To think my attempts to avoid co-sleeping were not "ridiculous"?

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

DS was a horrendous sleeper from birth - for the first 3 months of his life he slept no more than 45 minutes at a time, and wanted to bf constantly. To avoid co-sleeping whilst shattered (a dangerous risk of suffocating the baby accidentally) I used to pace around the room, sit upright with no backrest, and (when I was close to falling asleep) snap an elastic band on my wrist to keep me awake.

I never usually discuss this with friends, horses for courses etc. but a friend of mine has a baby 7months younger than DS (who is 10 months old now) and asked me what the nights were like. I was honest and explained what I'd been through to me be told that I was "ridiculous" and should "get off my high horse" because most parents co-sleep.

AIBU to be upset and to think that no, most parents do not co-sleep when shattered because it's unsafe?!

You must have been like a zombie at that time. I understand why you did that but I think it might have been a pretty miserable time.

I coslept with two of my three(the one I didn’t cosleep with has always liked his own space). Every parent I have ever talked about sleep with has coslept, my mum did it in the 70’s and 80’s. Co sleeping cribs are hugely popular now so I would say that it is pretty common.

I also co-slept on the maternity ward when the nurse brought me a bed guard and showed me how to do it safely. Then co-slept on and off, safely.

I think the problem here is not the co-sleeping or lack of, it's your attitude towards co-sleeping. Your posts here are so judgmental that they are almost vitriolic and you're certainly on your 'high horse' as your friend said. I can see why she was angry with you.

I also think it sounds like you had a horrendous time of it with your new baby and it's possible you are still traumatised in some way from that. You sound like you had a very difficult and unhappy time so of course you HAVE to believe that it was all worth it and it must be infuriating and upsetting to think that there's any possibility you might have been wrong, and difficult to see others having a better time because they decided to co sleep, so you have to tell yourself that they are wrong and dangerous. I get that - I just think you went too far telling her that.

How does that tally with women like me who breastfed and tried co sleeping but found the baby almost suffocated?*

Unless your baby require resuscitation they weren't 'almost suffocated'. You just rolled onto them and hey, guess what, you woke up! More than once! Almost like your body had an inbuilt mechanism to stop you from suffocating your baby...

Yanbu your friend sounds rude.

A side car cot is working really well for me, I can roll around in bed and he's happy in his own space. DS is 3 months and wakes for a big feed once per night and can put himself to sleep by having a big kick anf wiggle if he wakes up.

I have done some plannned cosleeping but don't enjoy it, I am a very deep sleeper (although bfeeding) and have woken up with his nose stuck under my boob before.

Cosleeping doesnt really solve the tiredness issue when your baby wants to be rocked or entertained at 3am (!) but luckily DS settled really well as soon as we got the next2me.

Some of my friends cosleep, quite a few with a sleepyhead. Horses for courses and all that

I'm sure planned safe co sleeping is safer than unplanned falling asleep or a dangerously sleep deprived parent.

My thoughts exactly. I've tried to be stubborn with my recently newborn and ended up falling asleep next to him by accident. Terrifying when it's unplanned.

Just off to bed with my baby. We've had a really beautiful first 3 months together, and us both getting enough sleep is a huge part of that. We share a king size bed, no bedding, I feed him then scoot over to my side-there's a foot of clear space between us. I really can't see much environmental difference between this and a cot on his own.

I sympathise, OP. DS had silent reflux and we didn't get treatment until he was 12 weeks (and a locum doctor finally took me seriously). Between about weeks 4 and 12, I stayed awake until 5am every night, holding DS upright as lying down was so uncomfortable for him. I drank many, many cans of Diet Coke, ate boxes of chocolate crispy bites and watched seven seasons of Gossip Girl. DH would take over at 5 and I'd get 2.5 hours in bed before he left for work at 7:30. It was fucking hellish. I was utterly, utterly terrified of co-sleeping.

However, one nights I dropped off in front of the telly with DS in my arms and I decided we had to move up to the spare room, which has a big bed. From then (around 12 weeks) we started co-sleeping and I'm actually still doing it now he's 8 months and still a pretty rubbish sleeper. I would have been petrified to do it when he was really wee, but he's a big bruiser now, and I did do my research into safe co-sleeping.

I admitted to my GP that we were bed-sharing and she told me not to beat myself up, as she'd done it too.

Planned cosleeping is so much better than the alternative (for me at least). Like others here have had the absolutely terrifying experience of starting to drift off on the sofa. Planned cosleeping (workout pillows etc) so clearly better. OP could you please link to a study showing planned bed sharing in the absence of alcohol, medication, smoking is dangerous?

OP is not being unreasonable for following advice, which at the moment in UK is to sleep in same room in separate sleeping space. Why would it be ridiculous to follow official advice?

But, if OP lectured mum that would be unreasonable.

Separately, has anyone found co sleeping doesn’t work for them? After initially being reluctant I eventually gave it ago as baby wakes at least hourly and expected it to solve all my problems! Unfortunately it seemed to make no difference to time taken to settle or duration of baby’s sleep. In anything it is harder as can’t rock baby - help!

OP, you keep going on about evidence. Can you link please (to original evidence sources, not guidelines please)? Because I don’t think there is evidence to support what you’re saying. Happy to be proved wrong.

No we didn't ever but my nightmares until they were around 2 was that I had fallen asleep with them in the bed. I used to wake up screaming that I had a baby in the bed. It was a real fear that I had fallen asleep. I think there had been a case where a woman had suffocated her baby while exhausted

Why didn't you just get one of those side bed things that clip on to your bed for the baby, or as a pp said lash the cot to your side?

Kind of impossible to roll on to one of those. It does sound like you martyred yourself somewhat tbh.

Yanbu, advice is for first 6 months safest place for baby is in cot or crib in same room as parents. Although it's up to parents to make the decision they're happiest with

I didn't co-sleep with either of mine, I expected to be exhausted from lack of sleep with a new baby. Although the youngest learnt to climb out of his cot and get in bed with me as soon as he could walk anyway. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 5.

Definitely not going to co sleep with next one either, don't see how there would be room to do it safely. My partner is big and the bed is too small . Would totally have one of those co-sleeping cribs if I could afford it though!

john I don’t know your budget but the Ikea Gulliver range works as a sidecar cot and costs £60 new / can buy used and get a new mattress.

Each to their own! I never planned on co-sleeping but found myself nodding off during the long night feeds in the early days which really freaked me out! In the end it was much safer for us to co-sleep.

*It's not just a problem if you accidentally fall asleep, there's a proven correlation between planned co-sleeping with a baby and suffocating them (which my paediatrician DSis says usually gets classified as SIDS to spare the parents the guilt).

DSis says she would NEVER co-sleep with a pre-6 month old because she's had to try to resuscitate so many babies needlessly.*

OP, could you tell us which trust your sister works for? With SIDS being thankfully rare in the UK, maybe we should be asking the NHS why this trust sees so many cases? Should we also perhaps warn the trust that their drs are deliberately lying about cause of death?

She was BU. If we’re judging people I think it’s best to avoid co sleeping in the first 3 months regardless of being tired.....it beats being tired for the next 3 years because your child won’t sleep unless his in your bed.

I’m a heavy sleeper, my baby would have been at risk if he slept with me so I didn’t do it. Sleeps like a legend now, put him down and he sleeps straight away, went through the night early.

OMG op, if you some to your 'friend ' in the same way as your posts are coming across then I'm not surprised she told you to get off your high horse!

I agree with her to some extent - I wouldn't have gone to the extremes that you did, it sounds like you were dangerously tired. But guess what, it doesn't make you a better parent - you just really prioritised not sleeping with your baby.

I co-slept and breast fed out of necessity - it was the only way of everyone getting some sleep, and it worked a treat. For the first 6 months or so DD would only sleep on my chest or DH's chest. After that she was nestled in between us and she was never rolled on because when you know our baby was next to us we were very aware of her presence and sort of curled around her.

It was lovely really, and when a 10 year old DD who's almost as tall as I am hurls herself into the bed and lies on top of me for a cuddle it seems amazing that she used to fit on my chest in tiny ball - we've a lovely photo of her asleep sitting on the palm of her dad's hand, they grow up so fast

TBH it makes me a bit anxious hearing of parents cosleeping with a sleepyhead since this seems dangerous to me.

SIDS can happen anywhere, any time, not just in a cot so yes it does sadly happen in parents' beds. That doesn't mean that the figures were changed to spare somebody guilt. AFAIK if the cause of death is undetermined this is stated. There are certainly some figures on the stats list which state this.

SPOKE to your friend, not some.

littledinaco - thank you for that. Yes I suppose bottlefed babies would feel fuller. I put my daughter in bed with me from about 6am-8am even though she's bottle fed and just make sure she had no bedding and pillows around her. It's not easy sometimes is it, we are always made to feel as though we are doing something wrong.

I was given information on safe bed sharing on the maternity ward when oldest was born. I thought I wouldn’t need it 😂. Had both mine on the bed next to me for about three months. I wasn’t in a proper deep sleep but at least I was laying down and rested. They both went into a cot without too much angst. DH on a spare bed in the baby’s room as he takes prescription painkillers. It meant he got a good chunk of sleep as well.

It's not just a problem if you accidentally fall asleep, there's a proven correlation between planned co-sleeping with a baby and suffocating them (which my paediatrician DSis says usually gets classified as SIDS to spare the parents the guilt).

Bollocks! Are you really expecting us to believe that paediatricians are classifying infant death incorrectly just to save parents from feeling guilty, whilst simultaneously issuing guidelines on how to co-sleep safely.

a few months of sleep deprivation are better than a dead baby.

Severe sleep deprivation will make you the most lethal danger your baby will face. Not just when you're co-sleeping but at every minute of every day. It will make you far more likely to have an accident whilst doing everyday things (cooking, driving, carrying your baby, etc.).

TBH it makes me a bit anxious hearing of parents cosleeping with a sleepyhead since this seems dangerous to me.

Why does it seem dangerous @BertieBotts ?

Sleepyheads haven't been linked to any incidences of SIDS or anything like that, and it compartmentalises baby.