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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my attempts to avoid co-sleeping were not "ridiculous"?

174 replies

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 09/06/2018 21:16

DS was a horrendous sleeper from birth - for the first 3 months of his life he slept no more than 45 minutes at a time, and wanted to bf constantly. To avoid co-sleeping whilst shattered (a dangerous risk of suffocating the baby accidentally) I used to pace around the room, sit upright with no backrest, and (when I was close to falling asleep) snap an elastic band on my wrist to keep me awake.

I never usually discuss this with friends, horses for courses etc. but a friend of mine has a baby 7months younger than DS (who is 10 months old now) and asked me what the nights were like. I was honest and explained what I'd been through to me be told that I was "ridiculous" and should "get off my high horse" because most parents co-sleep.

AIBU to be upset and to think that no, most parents do not co-sleep when shattered because it's unsafe?!

OP posts:

MrsPworkingmummy · 09/06/2018 21:29

I'm a huge fan of co-sleeping. My son is 4 months and we've had no issues with lack of sleep at all. Coslept with my 6 year old too. Highly recommend x

Cheby · 09/06/2018 21:30

You weren’t being ridiculous OP, you we’re doing the best you could in a very difficult situation.

We were similar; we resisted cosleeping with DD1 Because we were terrified it was unsafe. We tried all the stuff you did, slept in shifts, I developed PND, we were both crippled with exhaustion and accidentally falling asleep with her on the sofa. At 6 weeks our lovely midwife helped us research safe cosleeping and we all suddenly got more sleep (baby included, miraculously she slept for 90mins-2hr stretches if she was in close proximity to a boob at all times!), I got back to sleep faster and we were all better rested.

So I imagine that’s what your rude and unsupportive ‘friend’ was clumsily trying to get at; that cosleeping might actually have been a way out of your sleep woes.

I do think something like 70% of parents admit to cosleeping with their babies, usually due to exhaustion/desperation (ISIS has some info on it). It’s this unplanned cosleeping that’s most dangerous, or falling asleep on the sofa or while sitting up holding a baby. It’s safer to plan cosleeping, removing hazards etc.

So she may have technically been right about the most parents thing. But she was being a dick about it. Maybe she felt your choice not to cosleep was a judgement on her choice to do it? which of course it wasn’t.

Kitsandkids · 09/06/2018 21:30

I coslept with mine purely so that I could sleep and not get shattered. I soon learned how to breastfeed her lying down on my side and we both got some sleep. If I could have got her to sleep in a cot when she was tiny without her screaming whenever I attempted to put her in one I would have done but I wasn't willing to let her scream when she was so little. I couldn't have stayed awake all night to feed/Rock her - I need sleep and I think my mental health would have really suffered.

When she was 11 months I bit the bullet and started to be stricter about her sleeping in her cot in the evenings - funnily enough though as soon as I'm in bed she wakes up and cuddles straight in with me!

I don't think you were ridiculous though- you did what you thought best and your friend shouldn't try to belittle your methods.

SharronNeedles · 09/06/2018 21:31

If we weren’t meant to co sleep why do we get an overwhelming feeling of tiredness when we feed

Do we?? I must be doing it wrong then...

BlueJava · 09/06/2018 21:32

I don't see why you'd get upset, although your friend shouldn't have said what she did imo. Each parent does things their own way - some co-sleep some do not. Personally I did not and put them (twin DS) in their own room pretty early on because that's what suited us.

Original poster

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 09/06/2018 21:32

It's not just a problem if you accidentally fall asleep, there's a proven correlation between planned co-sleeping with a baby and suffocating them (which my paediatrician DSis says usually gets classified as SIDS to spare the parents the guilt).

DSis says she would NEVER co-sleep with a pre-6 month old because she's had to try to resuscitate so many babies needlessly.

I really don't think it's ridiculous or being a martyr to avoid co-sleeping regardless of the impact on your own convenience - a few months of sleep deprivation are better than a dead baby.

OP posts:

CleverQuacks · 09/06/2018 21:32

I used to have the same fears about co sleeping however one night I was feeding baby on the sofa and must have drifted off to sleep. I woke up suddenly and baby was squashed between me and the sofa cushion. Thank god it must have only been seconds but after that I knew I needed to find a safer way to sleep with him. I did lots of research on co sleeping and found that it was loads safer than risking him getting squashed on the sofa again.

That being said I don’t think you were rediculous for doing everything you could to keep awake. You were just doing what you thought was best for your baby.

Cheby · 09/06/2018 21:35

If it’s recirded inaccurately as SIDs rather than overlaying how is it a proven correlation? Can you cite the study you’re referring to OP?

Kazplus2 · 09/06/2018 21:37

I co slept with my youngest for first three months. I'm a fairly light sleeper and there was lots of precautions a in place. It was a lovely experience and we both slept better for it. OH was banished into spare room during this time

littledinaco · 09/06/2018 21:37

I did lots of reading regarding safe co-sleeping, looking at statistics, etc. I feel like I balanced all the risks and made an informed decision.
I decided to safely co-sleep and DC and I slept great. I honestly didn’t feel tired.
I didn’t have any difficulties with their sleep as they got older either.

One of the main issues with co-sleeping is when it’s not planned so people fall asleep accidentally or decide to co-sleep at 2am when they are exhausted without setting the bed up safely, etc. If it’s planned and you’re breastfeeding, you don’t fall into that exhaustion which is then obviously unsafe.

What you did sounds utterly exhausting, I don’t think I would have coped doing that. I think I would have been at risk of crashing the car/falling down the stairs/having an accident cooking etc as i’d be so tired.

EveMoneypenny · 09/06/2018 21:38

I'm the same. I would never want to co-sleep. I used to sometimes wake up panicking that I'd left the baby somewhere in the bed accidentally (I never had, he was always in his cot). I did a similar thing to the rubber band twanging on the first night back from hospital with newborn DS - I was subconsciously biting my lip to stay awake. It then swelled up dramatically so I had a fat lip, which was just great with all the visitors coming to the house to see the baby.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/06/2018 21:38

YANBU for following official safe sleeping advice! I can see why people (myself inclided) do it though - the lesser of two evils...I am a very light sleeper but am so sleep deprived i keep falling asleep feeding sitting up which isn't like me (I never fall asleep in front of the TV etc). I feel it's safer to Co sleep lying down than sitting up with baby wedged on cushions etc. That said...if someone asks you a question on your experience of something they should never criticise the answer! It wasn't like you were telling her she was doing wrong!?

Original poster

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 09/06/2018 21:39

Clever it's not just what I thought was best - it was based on actual evidence and peer-reviewed scientific research. I truly would not have put myself through that if I'd not properly researched the facts.

OP posts:

Kitsandkids · 09/06/2018 21:40

Personally, I think that a few months of sleep deprivation would mean, in many cases, people falling asleep holding babies, stumbling down stairs holding babies, dozing off and spilling hot tea on babies etc.

PenApple · 09/06/2018 21:41

I never co-slept with any of mine, as I didn’t feel it was safe - no matter many leaflets I read. So I did the same as you. Lots of people do, and lots of people co-sleep.

dontforgetto · 09/06/2018 21:43

OP, I understand you did research and decide what risks you were or were not willing to take with regards to sleep deprivation and co-sleeping. However, I'm sure you can appreciate that your method was not without risk too? That kind of sleep deprivation you chose to continue can cause accidents too.

As parents we constantly have to make risk assessments based on the knowledge we have available to us. It sounds like you and your friend came out with different results, but neither of you is right or wrong.

User46942 · 09/06/2018 21:45

I agree with you op. Even a tiny risk is too much of a risk. But as long as people are informed it’s their choice. FWIW I don’t know anyone IRL who co slept .

doleritedinosaur · 09/06/2018 21:45

Sleeping upright holding your baby is far more dangerous than co-sleeping.

Cheby · 09/06/2018 21:46

Ah hang on OP. Did you pull the dead baby card on your friend too? In which case I can see why she may have told you to get off your high horse. I might be swinging round to your friend’s point of view.

cunningartificer · 09/06/2018 21:46

Co sleeping worked for all our DCs and was terrific, but we set it up with cot and so baby’s space attached to bed, so I could wake, feed, move baby back to cot space and ultimately often just lean over to feed. Lovely snuggling. Very safe (obviously no drink etc) research suggests mothers are hyper aware of where baby is and light sleep and wake quickly—certainly my experience. I think of my DCs as being good sleepers but they were just good co sleepers I think!

wowbutter · 09/06/2018 21:47

I did what you did with my first born.
I co slept with my second born, for the first few months, much nicer and easier. And no, never woke up with them anywhere near under me or in any danger.
Baby slept on husbands side of the bed, me on mine, baby slept higher up than me. And he's survived. But with my first I was too scared. And yes, I've read all the studies.

Believeitornot · 09/06/2018 21:48

First time around I tried to avoid Co sleeping and ended up doing more dangerous sleeping eg falling sleep with ds on armchairs etc.

Second time I just set up Co sleeping more safely from day one. No duvet, covers were waist height, I didn’t drink and had no pillow.

I slept so much better - ok dd was awful but I was so tired I could tell the difference between being woken up and having to get up and feed vs sleepily whipping out a boob and sleep lying down.

Pixie2015 · 09/06/2018 21:48

Individual choice and what works for the parties involved. I co-slept but only in a king size bed with baby and partner in different room - didn’t drink alcohol and baby feed when wanted - may not be my idea choice but we all slept

Believeitornot · 09/06/2018 21:49

Clever it's not just what I thought was best - it was based on actual evidence and peer-reviewed scientific research. I truly would not have put myself through that if I'd not properly researched the facts

I thought Co sleeping research lumped in all co sleeping together.

But where’s the research on safe co sleeping? Is there any?

MsMotherOfDragons · 09/06/2018 21:50

Co-sleeping isn't really unsafe.

It's unplanned co-sleeping that's unsafe -- in unsuitable places (e.g. sofa) and unsuitable circumstances (having had a drink and/or drugs, which includes prescription ones).

Sorry you had such a rubbish time. You might want to research safe co-sleeping next time. Your friend wasn't being ridiculous either; I see where both of you were coming from.

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