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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why some women think it's not there job!!

230 replies

Damnivy · 07/06/2018 18:19

Ok so this doesn't apply to those women who can't/shouldn't be doing these things. And I'm not saying this is about all women. (I also know a man like this).

I'm so bored of listening and watching women who can't do things for them selves.
Like.. washing windows (outside), Mowing the lawn, getting in the loft, putting flat packs together, putting diesel in their car. All things iv heard that are apparently a 'man's job'.
Other things like, my SIL never being able to sort her baby out on her own, while out, always dragging DB of to the baby change, if she needs changing, although if it's my DBs turn to change the baby he goes and does it alone.
My sister apparently can't do the food shopping alone as she can't push the trolley and shop at the same time. She also refuses to do any decorating as it's a 'man's job' and even though she has never tried doing it, just knows she wouldn't be able too.
Makes me wonder how some women would ever cope alone.
I'm not saying my DH doesn't do these things, but I would never ask him to cut the grass, fill my car ext.. unless I had a good reason. We split things like most couples, if he is working more hours one week, I do most of the house/childcare stuff, if I'm working more hours then he does it.
I know I sound judgy, and I probably am, I would never say anything about this to them as I don't like to interfere, just really annoyed after watching my sister acting like she cant do anything today!
I wasn't brought up independent, I come from a family who mostly all have these views, many women in my family have never worked, as they belive they should be home with the children. Iv learnt to be independent.
Why are some women like this, and what things have you heard women say they can't do, as they cant/wouldn't be any good at/or class it as 'men's job's'.

OP posts:
lifechangesforever · 07/06/2018 19:38

**tip, not top Hmm

Charmatt · 07/06/2018 19:42

We once had a huge argument as we went on holiday because my husband presumed he was driving. I drive my car all year but he thought it was 'his job to drive it on holiday!
He only thought that once!

blackteasplease · 07/06/2018 19:46

Oh but since I am divorced I find all the blue jobs v easy! Especially the bins which is only once a week and takes no time!

It's just that there are more jobs to do if you do everything!

blackteasplease · 07/06/2018 19:48

I also have a rule that whoever drives to a party or event drives back as well.

Hate it when husbands think they do all the driving by default except when there's a drink to be had! I quite like driving but I also quite like to be the one to have a drink. But also I live in London so this comes up rarely!

Andrewofgg · 07/06/2018 19:48

We share the work; each according to ability. Very heavy jobs are my pigeon; DIY mainly DW’s because she likes it and is good at it. We have both had spells in hospital and the other has got on and run the place.

Short of begetting, bearing and bf children there is no reason to regard any domestic job as necessarily his or hers.

TheWernethWife · 07/06/2018 19:48

When I was a child we lived next door to a lady who only had one arm, she used to make her own bread and could paint and wallpaper.

They made them tough in those days.

LemonysSnicket · 07/06/2018 19:51

I don't know anyone like this ? A few inept men but women just crack on.

ShinyMe · 07/06/2018 19:53

I was brought up very independent, by a very independent mother. I assumed it was normal until this vivid memory I have of being about thirteen. My dad was away (he often worked abroad) and my mum and I spent half term decorating my bedroom. Stripped wallpaper, took up carpet, sanded floorboards, painted walls and woodwork, put up shelves, the works. I went back to school and had the following conversation:

Friends: What did you do at half term
me: we decorated my bedroom
Friends: oh! But isn't your dad away?
Me: yes
friends: oh! Did you get someone in?
Me: no
friends: oh! confused who decorated then?
Me: me and mum
friends: Oh! But does your dad know?
me: I dunno... can't remember if we told him
friends: but... but... very confused won't he MIND?

I can still see how confused and amazed they were that he would ALLOW us to do the decorating "for him". My colleagues now often seem surprised if I say I've done something practical like painting the fence or pressure blasting the patio. And yes, like others have said, when I told them I've driven long distances abroad they seem to think I'm some kind of superwoman with amazing bravery, rather than just someone doing something very ordinary really.

GahWhatever · 07/06/2018 19:54

I don't put out the wheely bins or go up in the loft.
I earn the money, do the bills, the cooking, the 'mental load' stuff.
DH clears the kitchen if kids don't (a whole thread right there), mows, does bins and loft work. Prefers that I don't do DIY because I don't do it to his standards, then doesn't do it so we (I) end up hiring someone about half the time.
Everything else we share (and to be fair he probably does more housework) but I initiate or ask...nothing gets done unless I spot the job.
We are busy people. Both have weaknesses and foibles, and both tolerate these because we are a pair of human beings with mutual affection. If your relatives' relationship dynamic works for them then why worry?

RebelRogue · 07/06/2018 19:58

Given all the threads about the useless men on here(that do NOTHING) I don't really get the anger and disappointment that some women can't or won't do certain jobs.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/06/2018 20:13

I can't assembly furniture, do DIY or gardening. I've still got some furniture in bits in the flat, but have always rented so no need for DIY or gardening or looking after a car. It's possible to live without these skills.

Thesearmsofmine · 07/06/2018 20:13

Surely people just do what works in their relationship? If your brother was unhappy with it he could say no change the baby by yourself.

I guess we do have the typical split in our house, it’s not that I can’t mow the lawn or build a flat pack and DH is perfectly able to cook or mop the floor but we just do what works for us. If DH suddenly didn’t want to mow the lawn he could say so and I would be able to do it.

I also am a wife that doesn’t drive with a husband that does. I can’t afford to learn(now I wish I had done it at 17 when I had the funds), pay insurance etc

Damnivy · 07/06/2018 20:14

Completly get dividing jobs in relationships, just like my kids have there chores too. There are also things we each prefer to do, I prefer to clean the bathroom, and ironing, i enjoy these jobs, although dh does do them sometimes. DH prefers to wash the car and cook a roast at the weekend as he enjoys it. But I will do this if I have too.
DH also does the bins. As all 5ft of me doesn't have the strength to pull a full wheelie bin up 5 steps like my giant husband can. Although, weeks he is away I just use sacks instead.
I get all these things. Just people that act like they can't do stuff or won't even try really bugs me.
Also SIL baby is 5 months now. I understood when she was new born, although now bugs me, DB could be eating and she will get him to stop to help her change the baby, she will even do this at ours or Mils house, where she just does it on a changing mat on the floor, he still has to go hold her legs up ext.. She does this on her own when he works, and never offers to help when he does the changing. He has always done all night feeds too, (his choice, so he gets more time with baby) so it's not like he doesn't do his fair share.

OP posts:
ElMarineroBaila · 07/06/2018 20:15

A woman can do all of these things, but I'm lazy and my husband is compliant so what's the problem? I've asked him before what he thinks about this and he says "I like it when you ask me to do things" !!!

sobeyondthehills · 07/06/2018 20:19

There are 2 things that I am no longer allowed to do, cutting the grass with a strimmer, I nearly took my leg off and putting together flat pack furniture, apparently I built the computer desk wrong and its going to fall apart any minute. lasted 5 years so far and if he had done it when I said, I wouldn't of had to do it

Actually just thought of another thing, binning the dead animals the cats bring in, I refuse to do that

SinceWhenDid · 07/06/2018 20:20

I insist that dh does stuff like cut the grass otherwise he really would do next to fuck all.

As it is he started tidying the garden 4 weeks ago to mow the lawn and hasn't actually got around to it yet Angry

RebelRogue · 07/06/2018 20:20

@Damnivy ah so it's not women it's SIL and you poor poor DB . Bring out the violins for him and the pitchforks for the SIL.

SueGeneris · 07/06/2018 20:24

This thread has reminded me that I need to get some flexible bath sealant and get that done.

I do know some women like this. If I was their partner it would put me off. DH and I share most jobs - basically the only things he does that I don't are things I am not strong enough to do. He is capable and resourceful and confident - I think these are attractive qualities.

Thingywhatsit · 07/06/2018 20:25

Single parent of 15 years here - only thing I can't (well I can but I dislike doing) is drilling holes in walls so my dad does that for me!

Oh and I've never hung wallpaper so not sure if I can do that! I also really dislike using jump leads on cars as it scares me for some reason! All gardening/diy/flat pack/changing tyres/fixing appliances I do myself.

StaplesCorner · 07/06/2018 20:27

I can do all those things, although I prefer not to. However, if I did those things on my own, DH would finally achieve his lifetime goal of not fucking moving AT ALL. So anything he can cope with, I let him (or make him) do it.

AdoraBell · 07/06/2018 20:29

The only thing on your list that I have never done is put fuel in a car. That’s only because I don’t have a UK driving licence and where I was driving all petrol stations have staff for the pumps.

Lilymossflower · 07/06/2018 20:36

This is ridiculous! Example of patriarchal conditioning being continued by women. Wtf

Cherrysherbet · 07/06/2018 20:37

I think however jobs are split between a couple is their own business, and absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.
My Dh and I both work, we both do household chores, we both spend time with the kids and share childcare responsibilities.
He does most of the cooking, I do most of the cleaning. He does the DIY, I sort the kids School stuff. He cuts the grass, I do the washing.

The point is, we are happy with our situation. It works for us, and our family.
There are so many things to do, and limited time. For us it makes sense to split jobs, and stick to what we know best.

I don't want to do the DIY/cut the grass. He doesn't mind it.
He doesn't want to do the washing/ironing. I don't mind it.
YABU

Currywurstmitpommes · 07/06/2018 20:37

I lived with women like these at uni. 5 girls in a house and 2 of them couldn’t —wouldn’t— take the bins out ‘cos it was a ‘boy job’. I went away for a week and came home to a kitchen full of bin bags. I asked them who they thought had taken them out all year and was told that it was all right for me to do it..l well basically ‘cos I wasnt feminine. I’m glad I don’t have housemates anymore.

Damnivy · 07/06/2018 20:38

@ rebelrogue No this is not just about SIL, I don't dislike her, thats not what this is about, she has actually been one of my best friends for the last 14 years, and was like this with her exdh too, although this is her first baby.

As iv mentioned, my own family are also like this, including my sister as iv also used for example, also many other examples from women I know or have overheard!

OP posts: