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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

345 replies

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 16:00

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff Grin) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/06/2018 21:02

Do you have a link to your new thread?

stressedoutpa · 17/06/2018 00:30

Birds of a feather flock together springs to mind.

mathanxiety · 17/06/2018 00:49

Q: what would you dh say if you were honest and laid it all out like you have here.

A: He'd hear me out but it would probably stress him.
I'm also slightly afraid that he'll make it out that I'm being anxious/overemotional and worrying about nothing or making dramas up in my head so that he doesn't have to confront it.

Which will cause a big blow up on its own.

I am sorry to bust your bubble here, but you do not have a very equal relationship.

Only one of you is allowed to express feelings.

Want2bSupermum · 17/06/2018 01:16

Shock Well done for walking out. You now have an excellent reason for never going back and also you should speak to your DH about submitting a formal complaint for the way you were treated. You are his wife. They have absolutely zero respect for him.

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 08:39

You now have an excellent reason for never going back and also you should speak to your DH about submitting a formal complaint for the way you were treated. You are his wife. They have absolutely zero respect for him.

Can he do that?

If that's the case I might mention that to him when he comes down Hmm (he's in bed.)

Should I bother copying and pasting my last update onto this thread?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/06/2018 08:40

Oh OP Sad

You were right to dread this event

Look this is a deal breaker . Them and the DH

No need to do anything immediate but I would be raging about this on every level

Why the fuck did he share your sex life 🤬

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 08:57

Why the fuck did he share your sex life

When he comes down I plan on finding out!

I'll be updating his response on my other thread which I think someone kindly posted above after we've talked. It's either going to go very swimmingly or I'll need all the advice I can get.

Motoko · 17/06/2018 09:00

Why bother asking advice, you just bat away all suggestions. The majority advice is LTB, but you've minimised things and said you're not going to.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/06/2018 11:13

Give her time , give her time

stressedoutpa · 17/06/2018 11:31

Why bother asking advice, you just bat away all suggestions.

^ this

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/06/2018 13:35

It will filter in eventually

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 14:07

Why bother asking advice, you just bat away all suggestions.

Lots have suggested divorce - not an option.

DH is going to look for a new place to work.

Motoko · 17/06/2018 15:38

No, he's not. He told you that you were selfish wanting him to change jobs, because he's comfortable and likes it there. He won't get another job.

HouseOfLynx · 17/06/2018 17:47

Just read your other thread. Why do you put yourself through this? It's like an abusive relationship with your husband's work colleagues.

Want2bSupermum · 17/06/2018 18:39

As bad as DHs work events are no one is rude to anyone. There are a couple of thinly veiled comments between the men but everyone is civil to each other.

You have two problems in that you don't have much self respect and your second problem is that your DC are watching this and might think it's normal.

Only one person can fix this and that is you. He lets his relationship dynamic affect his relationship with you. He is treated like crap at work and bring it home to dump on you. Don't put up with it. As for the colleague sharing something told to them in private, I wouldn't send my DC to the private school he went to. If that happened at one of the work events I go to, the oik wouldn't have a job beyond Monday morning.

Finally your DH is very middle class and is no gentleman. Quit putting him up on a pedestal. I don't know how you have a healthy marriage with someone like this. You need professional help individually and as a couple of you decide you want to try and make it work.

pigeondujour · 17/06/2018 19:00

You now have an excellent reason for never going back and also you should speak to your DH about submitting a formal complaint for the way you were treated. You are his wife. They have absolutely zero respect for him.
*
Can he do that?

If that's the case I might mention that to him when he comes down*

Seriously? You want him to submit a formal complaint about his colleague mentioning the details of his sex life, which he shared with them? My god.

Lots have suggested divorce - not an option.

What a lovely thing to model to your daughter - leaving an abusive relationship not being an option.

Parker231 · 17/06/2018 19:25

Your DH’s colleagues are idiots but there is nothing you can do about them. Your problem is your relationship with your DH and what you now do about it. You have a problem with believing your DH is superior to you. As I have said earlier in this thread, I would have never gone to these type of events where the spouse (usually the wife) is treated as a second class citizen.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/06/2018 18:52

One thing that OP may possibly consider - since the whole 50 Shades phenomenon, people have been a little more open when it comes to discussing sex - in a fairly non-specific way. So the H may have said no more than 'OP like that fim/book' and the rude pillock at work made further assumptions...

rosesandflowers1 · 20/06/2018 17:50

So the H may have said no more than 'OP like that fim/book' and the rude pillock at work made further assumptions...

Not the case, I'm afraid.

Not sure if you've read the other thread but DH admitted that he told him.

It's sorted out but he was definitely to blame for his colleague knowing.

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