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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

345 replies

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 16:00

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff Grin) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers · 09/06/2018 18:26

I like to enjoy my free time. This brunch sounds like it would be an effort so I’d opt out

You don't want to go.
That is enough of a reason.

Op - I don’t understand why you have agreed to go to something which you hate so much.

I am firmly of the belief that marriage is about compromise.
Regardless of what you'd do if you were alone, once you are married you have to take your partner into account. Yes, if I just got invitations to awful brunches I probably wouldn't go. If my DH loves me to be there, and it could possibly impact his friendships and career if I didn't attend, I have to consider that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers · 09/06/2018 18:29

If your DH’s career is affected by non attendance of a spouse, then he doesn’t have much of a career.

I don't mean he'd get publicly shamed, fired and then have to start a new life as a window washer Grin I mean it's likely to affect people's perceptions of him and he might find it more difficult to get promotions etc.

I also think that my non-attendance might inspire some nasty comments that my DH would respond to, as such fracturing relationships with people at the company - some of whom are very influential. This could also affect promotions and could lead to him being viewed as antisocial, isolated or difficult, which would make him seem unsuited for his current position (which he's very happy with).

What would happen if you had a work event on the same day, which event would take priority?
It would be unlikely and if it did happen it would be very unfortunate, but I'd go to my work event.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 09/06/2018 18:33

I think it’s time he found a new employer. I can’t imagine working for an organisation whereby my career progression is impacted by whether my DH attended an event. It’s appalling.

Original poster
rosesandflowers · 09/06/2018 18:50

I think it’s time he found a new employer.

He's not going to leave a well suited, high paying and beneficial job just because they host bad brunches! Shock

I can’t imagine working for an organisation whereby my career progression is impacted by whether my DH attended an event.

I think this kind of thing is quite pervasive in his line of work, especially when you become high up.

Like I said it won't be outright. But it could very easily happen.

OP posts:
stressedoutpa · 09/06/2018 19:07

stressedoutpa I'm a CFO of a fintech subsidiary company of a broker dealer. No issues with my own career.

Are there 'husband events' at your company? No, I thought not because there would probably be outrage....

neurotransmittens · 09/06/2018 19:22

Since you say marriage is about compromise rosesandflowers (now why didn’t I think of that Hmm ) does this mean you will be going with your DH to the brunch?

But in answer to your AIBU - no YANBU

Want2bSupermum · 09/06/2018 20:20

No one has been involved with diversity before. DH does that role as well as the strategy role for his division and manages sales in North America. He also runs his own business. For such a huge business certain things have really shocked me. An example of their operating policies being shocking is DH not having a formal written employment contract. Everything is worked out verbally and DH emails the person he has neigotiated with so he has something.

Of course it's not called 'wife' events. The invitation is 'plus significant other' or 'plus family'. Some of the events are at resorts and if they have childcare the whole family is invited. These are better IMO because it really is like a free holiday for the rest of the family. All the meetings are 9-5 and there is no expectations to have dinner together. Everything in the resort is paid for including food, childcare, drinks etc. They pick really nice resorts like Sandy Lane in Barbados and Beaches in Turks and Caicos.

The part of the OPs issue that surprises me is that there isn't anyone putting a stop to the sneering. I've been to one event like that and I stepped in putting an immediate stop to it. It would be really looked down upon by the leadership of DHs employer if anyone, especially an employee, was so rude.

Want2bSupermum · 09/06/2018 20:28

Also, as I've previously said, DH comes to my work events he is invited to. He helps me out a lot with offering me a different perspective when I'm facing making a difficult decision with limited information and being there to support me. Just yesterday he stepped in and went to DSs graduation at school because I had to be in work to manage an outtage.

Original poster
rosesandflowers · 09/06/2018 20:29

does this mean you will be going with your DH to the brunch?

Yes but DH and I have agreed on some conditions which should make the night easier!

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers · 09/06/2018 20:30

It would be really looked down upon by the leadership of DHs employer if anyone, especially an employee, was so rude.

Lots of the employees are arses but they're not directly rude to me or anyone else; just their wives are generally insulting/unkind.

OP posts:
FloraFox · 09/06/2018 20:42

DH comes to my work events he is invited to. He helps me out a lot with offering me a different perspective when I'm facing making a difficult decision with limited information and being there to support me. Just yesterday he stepped in and went to DSs graduation at school because I had to be in work to manage an outrage.

That's not supporting a work role, that's just being a partner in life. Interesting that him attending his own DS's graduation is considered stepping in. You, on the other hand, are doing work for his company that they should be paying someone to do. If his PA isn't up to it, they should hire an events manager.

These sorts of requirements are one of the reasons why women can't reach senior roles in organisations. It's not usually so obvious as requiring a wife to attend events or contribute unpaid services to the company otherwise her husband's prospects are in jeopardy.

I bet all these men think they have succeeded based on their own merits and they were just better than the women who were their peers when they were more junior. In realty they are just the "good enough" men who manage to tick all the boxes that have nothing to do with performance but to do with companies hiring in their image.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/06/2018 20:45

Do either of you have time to sleep supermum. Confused

roses please propose that the next brunch is held at Sandy Lane in Barbados. That doesn't sound too bad.

Original poster
rosesandflowers · 09/06/2018 21:07

please propose that the next brunch is held at Sandy Lane in Barbados. That doesn't sound too bad.

Grin
OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 09/06/2018 21:21

Yes DH stepped in because it was something I had wanted to do it. He is doing DDs softball games at 4:45pm and her end of year party at 1pm already this month. We split the school events between us based on our schedule. Last month DH was home for 3 days in the whole month. I did all the school stuff.

We have a busy schedule and it works for us. I wouldn't be happy with being a SAHM. I really like being able to have my own identity away from DH. Building up my career has been something I really wanted to do and I'm proud of what I have accomplished.

pigeondujour · 09/06/2018 22:14

I really like being able to have my own identity away from DH.

Nothing you've said suggests that you do have that. You sound utterly in awe of him and absolutely willing to accept the hideous and antiquated terms on which women are allowed in/near the boys' club, as does OP of her husband. Which would be fine for you, except that it has an impact on the rest of us.

Butterymuffin · 09/06/2018 22:22

He's not going to leave a well suited, high paying and beneficial job just because they host bad brunches

But it's not just occasional bad brunches, is it? You've said that if you as spouse didn't attend an event:

it's likely to affect people's perceptions of him and he might find it more difficult to get promotions etc.

That's more than just the event. That's a sexist, toxic work culture.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/06/2018 22:42

A sexist, toxic work culture I think OP knows this, where as Supermum seems to embrace it and enjoy it. There is a certain amount of irony in planning not to do stereotypically "girly" things when organising wife meetings. Hmm

That's part of the reason Op dislikes the events where she's expected to trail along in the role of submissive supportive wife. She hates the elitist attitudes of all his colleagues and their dismissive opinions of women, and the pathetic competition among the other women in their race to be the best Stepford Wife.

Even in the unlikely event that all the wives vetoed brunches, the sexist toxic work culture remains I would imagine.

Fruitcorner123 · 09/06/2018 23:15

I think it’s time he found a new employer. I can’t imagine working for an organisation whereby my career progression is impacted by whether my DH attended an event. It’s appalling

Parker231

I agree with you 100% how utterly horrendous. If you had been married to someone in this culture for so long (they have a teenage daughter) I imagine it would become your norm and assume that's what happened to the OP.

Sorry OP but YABVU to not recognise how sexist and vile this place of work is. I hope My DH would leave a place like that.

He's not going to leave a well suited, high paying and beneficial job just because they host bad brunches! shock

No but I hope most decent people would leave a place that judged them by whether their partner came to a function and expected said partner to be verbally abused at the function because they work in a non lucrative career. I mean WTF?

As pp have said this is so far from my personal experience I cannot believe this is real and you actually accept this as ok.

Fruitcorner123 · 09/06/2018 23:18

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

but the OP chooses to be married to man who not only embraces this culture but manipulates his wife in a way which suggests he is as sexist as they culture we are all disgusted by. You either believe he is abusive and she is abused or she has the free will to stand up for herself and chooses not to. If she chooses not to she is complicit.

stressedoutpa · 09/06/2018 23:41

absolutely willing to accept the hideous and antiquated terms on which women are allowed in/near the boys' club, as does OP of her husband. Which would be fine for you, except that it has an impact on the rest of us.

^ this

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/06/2018 23:43

It's a valid argument Fruit

I just think life isn't black and white, there are complex grey areas! It's certainly not easy to walk away from a long established career and find another employer. Clearly this ethos is deeply ingrained in his field? And the family are reliant on his salary.

I agree the sexist work culture is appalling.

123fushia · 09/06/2018 23:49

I wouldn’t go.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/06/2018 00:04

Does anyone remember that Presidents' Club dinner there was all the fuss about, not so long ago?
(Short version: literal wankfest for 'high achieving' men: they wanted the services of sex workers but were only prepared to pay the wages of wait staff - so treated the wait staff as though they were sex workers...)

blueshoes · 10/06/2018 00:29

To be fair, I doubt the 'brunch' is going to be like a Presidents' Club dinner. The latter was properly sleazy. The brunch is probably just wanky.

goodbyeeee · 10/06/2018 08:26

I wouldn't go. Why you should you subject yourself to that and more to the point why would your husband want you to be subjected to that. It makes him "happy" when you attend an event where you are treated so disparaging? That's wrong on so many levels.

I just can't imagine my DP wanting to spend time with people that "targeted" me in such a way. Im completely capable of holding my own against sexist pricks but he simply wouldn't want to be in their company either. Odd.