AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

[rosesandflowers]

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff ) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

Just had a look at your other thread and I was a bit off the mark with my comments about dh having an "attitude to women".
It's great how you can both talk things through calmly and be honest with each other.

Best wishes for your dd It sounds as though she's had a tough time but is handling her diagnosis really well.

Just had a look at your other thread and I was a bit off the mark with my comments about dh having an "attitude to women".

I can see how this might come across, but he really doesn't have one! I'm glad it's clear in my other thread.

I really value having honest and calm discussions too. It means a lot to me that we can always remain reasonable with each other eventually

And thank you about DD!

I read your other thread and its definitely not a LTB situation imo either.

However i can see he has the power to be a little condescending sometimes! Nobodys perfect. Assert yourself though 😊

I have a DH who works for an employer who expects spouses to attend certain events. It's quite normal in the industry that spouses are invited. It's a very male dominated field and most of the wives are SAHMs.

Believe it or not these events have helped DH quite a few times. I found them really hard at first and just had a really hard time figuring it all out. It all changed when I was put in charge of the wife events at an offsite meeting. It was the first time I was hosting so felt I had permission to put people in their places if they were being rude to another wife.

Sadly these events are part and parcel of DHs workplace and yes I'm expected to attend. My attending has had a positive impact on how DH is perceived. I'm happy to play my roll and I've become friends with some lovely women.

The wives who are SAHMs are the majority and have told me they feared me at first because I was foreign, working in a professional capacity with a career of my own and so much younger than all of them.

However, it's not a similar situation that you're seeing here. DH is never physically violent with me in any way. He doesn't order me around either or control what I do.

I think you've misunderstood me. I wasn't implying that your husband is physically abusive, but what he's doing is coercive, and it sounds like you're minimising his behaviour, like I minimised my ex-husband's behaviour. Because I wasn't getting beaten up on a regular basis, I didn't think it qualified as abusive.

He doesn't need to order you around, because you modify your behaviour (walking on eggshells). You really didn't want to go to this thing, but instead of just telling him that, and then not going, you started this thread to get other people's opinions, then you decided you would go, because you were tip toeing around his potential reaction. You've explained to him why you don't want to go, and he's laughed at, and belittled you, dismissing your legitimate reasons. And you're still going. So he's got what he wants.

In this house, (with my 2nd husband who's definitely a keeper) I'd have told my husband why I wasn't going and he'd have said ok, and sorry that his colleagues behaved like that to me. And that would have been the end of it. I'd have had no worries about telling him, and there would have been no discussions, minimising or belittling of me, after I told him.

Can you see the difference?

You need to find your own confidence and self esteem. Other wives have been rude to me and I don't allow it. I don't say something to DH, I have said things like 'Yes I work. Following my career is something I chose because I put so much into getting it going before I met DH.' Another good reply is 'The hard work has paid off and I'm really happy with my accomplishments.'

If I just said "I'm not going" he'd probably be angrier than he is now, because now I've given him an explanation. Whereas if I just outright refused to go without any further comments, he'd be confused and that would fuel his anger.

Firstly, "no" is a complete sentence and your DH has no right to be angry. I definitely believe that in relationships between men and women, men's behaviour when women say "no" is indicative of their attitude to the relationship. Obviously, in a conversation between two adults he'd ask why you don't want to go and you'd tell him. That should be the end of it.

These workplaces where wives are expected to go to work social events or even organise or attend wives' events and police the behaviour of other wives not only sound hideous but really are part of why these male dominated industries continue to be male dominated.

OP, did your dh go to boarding school from a young age, by any chance?

I do think one way to 'help' him work on his controlling tendencies would be for you to calmly, politely and cheerfully refuse to obey him. When he is telling you to do something you do not want to do, resist all the 'we'll discuss this later' bullshit and say, with a loving smile, 'There's nothing to discuss. I'm not going to do[x]'. He needs to learn to accept that he can't always have his own way, and to accept it without sulking, mocking you, or making it all about him and boohooing about how 'unsupportive' you are.

flora It is a huge problem for the wife events. I organize them now DH has been promoted. I try to mix in less girlie things. I've had us rock climbing, kayaking, hiking and taking golf lessons. For those less active I've had visits to museums, tours of places of interest, helicopter tours and art activities like clay, painting and sewing (did make a jewelry roll as the activity).

I put a lot of time into picking these activities. There are no spas and no shopping. Each experience is organized so you can be part of the group or take 5mins and be on your own without causes offense.

The previous wives organizing activities were shocked when I set this up. It was a huge risk but I wanted to make it open to all spouses. It's gone down well and I organize most events. The DHs come along sometimes to things like the golf lessons and mini golf. Some of the wives come across as being bitchy but really they are very insecure. There is far less bitching going on compared to before.

want2 do you get paid for this?

Through my DH yes. He is very highly compensated making over £500k a year. It's also been good for my career. I moved away from big4 accounting last year and went to my client. I'm now the CFO of the fintech subsidiary and I manage all major high profile company events.

By the way, that brunch sounds like my idea of hell. We do have a brunch held in December but it's for the kids. Our DC are always the naughtiest and one of the men dress up as Santa, giving a gift to each child. There is no other way brunch can be a good idea.

Wives’ events? Expected attendance of spouses at work dos? Judgement over women working (from home?!)? What is this 1950s madness? MN is like another universe.

Just tell him you don’t want to go, he’s hardly going to leave you over it.

So no then. Does your DH organise husbands' events for your company? I'm guessing not.

This is one of the ways women are excluded from highly paid jobs. The men are expected to provide their wives' services and the wives provide them so their husbands can get the promotions that benefit them. And yet you get people saying that men are in these great positions because they are naturally better than women at these roles.

flora I could do nothing and we would still be doing long lunches, shopping and spa days. DHs assistant should be organizing everything but she is crap. I took it on myself because if I'm going to be disruptive it needs to be done perfectly so there isn't much to complain about. DH does organize events. He is a sales director so it goes with the territory. The wives thing was me and something I drove. I am an extremely busy person. Taking time out of my schedule, it has to count. I couldn't face another shopping trip or spa day.

I don't disagree with where you are coming from. I just see it that if you want to bring about change you need to start somewhere. DH is the diversity officer for 35k employees. At these offsite meetings we now have a couple of DHs whose spouses are the employees.

To be clear we didn't pay for the events. It was all expensed. I attend 3 offsite meetings a year. They are at amazing places and I really want to be able to get something from these visits.

As a working wife I have a harder time because I'm working and I need to take care of things. I am becomming senior and I'm responsible for certain things that have to get done. What's nice is that I'm getting invited to an offsite meeting in Q4 this year and DH is the spouse.

want2 I don't see that it makes much difference whether you are doing golf or spa days. You are all contributing unpaid labour for the benefit of your DH's career, just like any good Stepford wife. How are you being disruptive?

It doesn't sound like you drove the wives' events but that you tried to make them less mindless. Why are wives expected to participate in these events?

IME being a sales director doesn't require contributing your spouse's unpaid labour as an events coordinator.

How lovely that your DH who has the unpaid labour of his DW is the diversity officer for 35k employees. If only they all had the unpaid support of their DPs, they could achieve what he has achieved. Diversity, eh?

Any senior leadership position requires a spouse input. Look at politics. Mr May and Mr Thatcher both had their roles just as Mrs Blair and Mrs Cameron had.

When you marry for money, you earn every penny. Jesus Christ, what are some women teaching their daughters?

Any senior leadership position requires a spouse input.

Christ on a fucking bike. Is that what your bloke tells people in his diversity officer role?

OP, did your dh go to boarding school from a young age, by any chance?

Not boarding, but he went private.

Firstly, "no" is a complete sentence and your DH has no right to be angry.

He'd be angry because of my lack of communication. Not just "no."

Other wives have been rude to me and I don't allow it. I don't say something to DH, I have said things like 'Yes I work. Following my career is something I chose because I put so much into getting it going before I met DH.' Another good reply is 'The hard work has paid off and I'm really happy with my accomplishments.'

The first time they asked me why I work I simply replied, "oh, I just really love what I do." Then they started asking who did more chores/cooking, who picked up the DC etc. I was so I didn't really reply!

Replying assertively just racks up the tension. Generally I just interact with her as little as possible and ignore any unkind remarks.

I can't imagine anything more gruesome than being expected to go to "wives' events" regularly. I've been to a couple of work-based conferences with my DH not because it was expected, but because they were in places I wanted to visit. Fortunately they didn't have a series of "spouse's events" arranged during the day but I did feel I should show moral support at a social event in the evenings. They were the most stunningly boring events I have ever been to - an awful lot of standing around listening to conversations about building projects. There seemed to be a general assumption amongst the participants that wives must be SAHMs and therefore too boring to talk to, so we tended to be on the periphery of conversation groups; and even if they discovered that I do have a career, it seemed to be so far from their experience that they couldn't assimilate it anyway. I've decided I'm not going again.