AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

[rosesandflowers]

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff ) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

Countries where prostitution is legal have higher rates of trafficked women. Sticking a line in your employee handbook requiring your employees to meet the minimum standards of human decency is not something worth bragging about.

Would be terrible for you to have a headache come on from the red wine...

Fucking hell, so so depressing. Do you always dispense sex to your H on a transactional basis?

flora I don't disagree with you and it was sad that it needed to be added. Now it's possible to terminate employees who do this. Before it wasn't.

Also the headache from the red wine comment had nothing to do with sex but about having an excuse to leave the event early.

Erm, OP won't be drinking if she's driving.

For those disgusted by the sexism encountered in the workplace, please spare a thought for the women who are being exploited sexually in Leeds.

This thread is what needs to be addressed. It's absolutely horrific that this is going on in Leeds and no one is speaking up for the women affected. These women really need help, and the police ought to be ashamed of themselves for enabling this abuse.

Not as ashamed as the BBC ought to be.

Minimizing the decision to make soliciting female prostitutes legal in Leeds is shameful.

There has been a complete breakdown in this area and a few other areas in north. The police had this area as a no go area and had given up. This is their 'fight-back' which is so weak and lame it's depressing.

Just a thought, making it illegal to solicit a prostitute and putting police in place to make sure all were caught, would help these women reach their bottom faster and seek help. The drug rehab programs in our area run campaigns to tell people not to give anything to the homeless because it just delays them reaching their bottom point where they are willing to seek help.

Also, the council ought to be ashamed of how they have managed this area. It's being regenerated now with apartment units being sold privately. Someone has made an awful lot of money and it isn't the sex workers.

The documentary was awful but what is worse is the continued disservice to women in British society. I wonder what the response would be to male prostitutes?

Most if not all work socialising is like a shark/barracuda feeding frenzy, & if anyone thinks they are “fun” they are kidding themselves.
With that in mind, and considering the OP is inclined to go to this “do” she needs a change of attitude in order to swim with the sharks. Work out how to develop a thicker skin (I know, easier said than done) When someone asks you a question ( that you don’t like or don’t want to answer) instead of responding, ask a question.
Listen, a lot, and ask them a lot of questions. People love to talk about themselves. If really cornered, devise some jokey answers ( prepare a few beforehand.)
This event is not about fun; it is not about getting to know other people. It is about coming out of the shark pool alive.
Also, dress to kill.
Good luck

@Want2bSupermum I agree that it is horrific but this seems really quite a sudden and odd direction to take your contribution to this particular thread in.

The link is that I'm getting stick for DH enacting policies that ban employees from using sex workers and strippers during company time and/or using company money. You realize with the change in rules they are making prostitution legal for both parties for a significant part of the day and the impact this will have on our society?

I've got DHs employer covered. If people want to protest and make a difference to the lives of women then please speak up for the women in Leeds who are being sold to the highest male bidder. The majority of women working as sex workers are being exploited and have significant issues including drug addiction.

FloraFox Where is your outrage for what is happening in Leeds? You realize companies in the U.K. are going to have to start adding these clauses because they are moving down the path of legalizing solicitation of sex workers.

Why do you let what they think become so important in your head? I wouldn't bother going. And the horrible stay at home partners sound like typical uneducated airheads hence if I were you, I wouldn't let anything that comes out if their mouth affect me because you are clearly better than them. They just have too much time doing useless shit at home so the need to gossip is huge. I'm pretty confident and I wouldn't be confrontational if I am at a situation like that but it will be clear to those types that they are so unimportant that I'll just laugh at them if they spout shit.

FloraFox Where is your outrage for what is happening in Leeds? You realize companies in the U.K. are going to have to start adding these clauses because they are moving down the path of legalizing solicitation of sex workers.

@Want2bSupermum I am involved in IRL activism in favour of the Nordic model and have been vocal on many threads on MN arguing in favour of the Nordic model. TBH, my primary focus is not on employee handbooks. There are other bases for terminating the employment of employees for activities that are not illegal.

Why do you think it is necessary for me to express outrage about Leeds on this particular thread? Are there any other issues I need to express outrage on before I can express my view on your H's not particularly impressive diversity record?

I think it's inconsistent to criticize me for the efforts made by my DH and myself to make positive changes from within the system. On one hand you criticize me for making changes to a sexist system and don't see your own sexism through your activism.

DH is Danish. Let me share that the prostitutes in denmark are primarily not Danish. They are trafficked women from the Baltic states and Far East (Thailand and Philippines mainly). The Danish men and women who are prostitutes are primarily struggling drug addicts with significant MH issues. I have no clue why anyone would think it's a good idea to follow the Nordic model.

Company policies have to match the culture you are trying to create in the workplace. If you want to be inclusive you can't allow employees to utilize sex workers. The law normally disallows this. When it doesn't you can't terminate someone for some 'other' reason. That isn't lawful and you know it.

Banking? My dh’s life was very much like this. It’s frustrating! Sorry have no advice OP. Hang in there! Is there anyone you could possibly like/get on with?

The Nordic model in reference to prostitution means laws that criminalise the buyer of people for sex but decriminalises and provides support for those who are prostituted.

nordicmodelnow.org/what-is-the-nordic-model/

Unfortunately Denmark has not adopted the Nordic model but has followed decriminalisation. There is plenty of evidence that trafficking increases in countries with legalised or decriminalised prostitution.

You certainly can terminate employee's employment for gross misconduct which covers a number of reasons, including bringing the company into disrepute even if the actions are not themselves illegal - numerous people have been fired for sending legal pornography from work emails and recently two RNLI crewmen were fired for having a mug at work with naked women on it.

Yes those people lost their jobs because there is specific employer rules prohibiting that behavior. You can't just fire someone for no reason. You have to clearly communicate expected behavior through policies and then have procedures in place for monitoring and taking action to ensure those policies are adhered to. If the policies don't explicitly state the expected behavior then you can't terminate employment.

The Nordic model is disastrous. It has made life far more difficult and dangerous for the people its advocates claim to want to protect.
Sex work is work: no one should be coerced into it but abolitionist policies harm both those who are operating under coercion and those who have decided it's a viable job choice.

Nordic Model?

I think the Op has lost interest....

Want2be there are a number of reasons where an employee can be dismissed for conduct and while it is advisable to include prohibited behaviour in the employer's handbook or policies, the reasons are not limited to those included in the handbook. An employee can be dismissed where his actions bring the employer into disrepute. I know of a number of cases of people being dismissed for behaviour that was not prohibited in the handbook.

Anyway, that's totally beside the point. I'm not saying it is not advisable for your H's company to include a prohibition on using prostitutes in their handbook, I'm saying it's a pretty minimal contribution - "employees must meet the minimum standards of human decency" is hardly anything to crow about.

SGB the Nordic model is not disastrous. Trafficking and murder rates of women in prostitution are provably lower in Nordic model countries than legalised or decriminalised countries. If you have a viable job choice i.e. other options to make a living through another job, I'm afraid I'm not going to prioritise your choice over the harm done to women by prostitution.

Hi, this is rosesandflowers.

I've come home from the brunch early. It was absolutely disastrous. I think I'll make a new thread as I'm absolutely fuming with DH and completely mortified.

It started off okay. The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at his bloody brunch and that him being with me wouldn't help at all.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this.

I've got a lot of time before he comes home at which point we'll have to discuss this.

I think I'll post this all on a new thread at some point to get some advice.

Arsehole! There should be a rule that if a sexual partner ever describes an activity then that particular activity will never happen again.

Honestly I'm in half a mind to instigate that rule

I started a new thread for it BTW.

Yanbu to be pissed off that he divulged that. As for those couples...fucked up. Really fucked up the lot of them.

I don't mean to put thoughts in your head, but if my DH had told someone (and he's surprisingly prudish except when actually in bed so would never discuss his sex life) then I would find it hard to get into the mood again. I would always be wondering whether the thing that's currently happening will be tomorrow's after-work pub chat.