AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

[rosesandflowers]

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff ) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

Will DH’s career be affected if you refuse to go?

I doubt directly but if he becomes more isolated by these people (some of whom are quite influential in the company) it could make his life much more difficult.

I can see why you don't want to go. I can also see why men don't like you, it's because they're tossers who want their wives to be dependant so that they are more 'useful' to them and if they showed acceptance of anything different their wives might get ideas above their station.

I wonder why your DH cares so much about their opinion of his relationship? I think in your position I would never go to anything where I would have to be near them, they're going to be sneery about you no matter what you do but they will hopefully get bored of sneering about you to your DH if you're not there.

I very rarely go to any of DH's 'things'. It used to bother him and he would complain about 'lack of team spirit' but I pointed out that I don't work for him and couldn't care less about the team and he's given up. And it wasn't even horrible to go to work stuff (because I'm the boss's wife so everyone was at least outwardly polite to me) just really dull.

I haven't read your other thread so apologies if I'm missing something, but you do seem to be making a bit of a drama about not very much!

The work colleagues sound vile. I absolutely wouldn't dream of going just to feel uncomfortable and be insulted! If your dh is a fully functioning adult he will cope perfectly well without you there.

Sounds like you need to start putting yourself first and stop letting other people's idiocies affect you.

Good luck.

What I can't understand is why both you and your H feel it is important to play nice with these fucking morons. Is he generally a decent partner to you, or is there a possibility he wants to put you through such grim social encounters as a way of proving to himself that you are really the little woman who will obey her man when he wants to feel like King Big Dick?
If it's a matter of him knowing that he has to keep in with the idiots or risk his job and him having to spend his working days with them is not actually harming your relationship generally, then could you go, smile sweetly and quietly make up a story about them all getting eaten alive by zombie rats? (I'm assuming that making it clear to them you find them ridiculous would have the same job-harming consequences as your H telling them to fuck off...)

Yes, of course, no one should have to put up with ghastly colleagues - or a job where the employer feels some kind of right of ownership over not just employees but their families as well (so every spouse has to show up and perform tricks for doggy treats or there is a negative impact on the employee) but I appreciate that the economic climate makes the prospect of losing your job for social noncompliance a lot more frightening.

I'm just wondering how they hold a brunch through the post

If it were me, I would be tempted to go along and take the piss out of them with a big smile on my face - 'Goodness me, I know there's a fuckwit in the White House but this is 2018. You might need to think again, studies have shown that sexism is really bad for companies' bottom line'. Etc.

Going against the tide here but you sound difficult and anti-social OP, so I wouldn't go if I were you.

You say they're horrible, that they pick at the dynamic between you and your DP (why do you let them?), that things get tense etc etc. If you can't suck it up once in a while and behave politely and socially with your DP's work colleagues don't go.

What the hell does he do? That by his wife declining to attend could affect his career?

If you do go, then it might be effective to be less 'interesting'. Answer questions vaguely or deflect with a bland question of your own. Any interest that they show in your life or your career is only looking for ammunition to use against you. Do you remember those Harry Enfield 'Women, know your place' sketches where women were told off for having a wild and dangerous opinion of their own? Well, don't have an opinion of your own, be vague, defer to your DH, talk blandly about the weather lately.

I wouldn't normally recommend that, but it's only for one afternoon/evening with people who are such arseholes that they will never consider you to be equal to them in any way so there's no point in even trying with them.

Could you arrange for a friend to call you away on an emergency so that you can disappear for a few hours?

I'm just wondering how they hold a brunch through the post

You get an invitation through the post - the brunch isn't held through letters!

Hell would freeze over before I'd go! Tell your OH you can't face it this year and it's up to him what reason he gives.

what would you dh say if you were honest and laid it all out like you have here.

Could you suggest a compromise to your DH? Tell him how much you dislike his colleagues, and why.

Tell him you really would prefer not to go, but you know how important it is to him.

Suggest that he and you make a point of spending time with other people at the brunch - call it networking. His arsey sounding friends can't argue with that!

Ugh. They’re lawyers aren’t they?! I’m a lawyer and my DH has made similar comments about my former colleagues. He was pretty spot on.

Why have you not told him before how you feel about his colleagues and their spouses? Would he really want you there if he knew how horrible you find it? I know I wouldn't want to put my husband though something like that.

I haven't read your previous thread so know nothing more about your relationship than what you have posted here, but I think it might be time for a open, calm and frank conversation with your husband,

What I can't understand is why both you and your H feel it is important to play nice with these fucking morons. Is he generally a decent partner to you, or is there a possibility he wants to put you through such grim social encounters as a way of proving to himself that you are really the little woman who will obey her man when he wants to feel like King Big Dick?

Well, I think he genuinely likes most of them.

Many people on Mumsnet have suggested he likes to "put me in my place" - I'm not sure if that's true but recent events might suggest so I think encouraging him to be more relaxed might quell this kind of behaviour.

I don't think he consciously does it, honestly I'm unsure if he does it at all. We've always had a very equal relationship.

I like BlackAmericanoNoSugar's advice!

Yes, if you do go, just come across as a little bored, a little bemused and a little nonchalant - like you are just marking time at the event because you are doing them a favour. Don't give them a way in to be rude and don't rise to any bait they dangle.

Listen to something hilarious before you go and think about it and smile, write the shopping list in your head, plan your next holiday.

Or don't go at all. Whatever works for you.

Your DH will be fine.

I'm not sure why you're so worried about upsetting Dh and he's not at all worried that you're continually upset by his colleagues' attitude to you; the put downs, the condescending remarks, the sly digs. He just ignores all that does he?

They all sound like ignorant small minded sexist arse holes. Just have a migraine.. let them talk!

Going against the tide here but you sound difficult and anti-social OP, so I wouldn't go if I were you.

You say they're horrible, that they pick at the dynamic between you and your DP (why do you let them?), that things get tense etc etc. If you can't suck it up once in a while and behave politely and socially with your DP's work colleagues don't go.

How exactly am I to stop them making targeted comments at me?

But I suppose I could be more passive amicable. I think this might work:
If you do go, then it might be effective to be less 'interesting'. Answer questions vaguely or deflect with a bland question of your own. Any interest that they show in your life or your career is only looking for ammunition to use against you.

It sounds like a very unpleasant atmosphere- and counter productive if the aim is team building and company spirit. I do go to this sort of thing with my husband on occasion if he asks - he doesn’t enjoy them but he knows I can do Olympic level superficial chit chat with anyone. We can then laugh about it after.

It’s a bit different if you feel uncomfortable in the situation and he doesn’t see or empathise with you about it. Brunch is less intense than dinner - if you feel you could manage it to be supportive and he would like your help, then being deliberately vague and swerving the conversation off onto entirely different subjects is my tip for enduring people who don’t know how to behave socially ( and picking away at someone’s relationship is utterly ill mannered in that sort of context) Keep it light and don’t react- don’t answer anything directly you don’t want to - just comment favourably on things like the food, the setting, uncontentious news items etc.

If they're lawyers then arguing with you is their entertainment. Saying "You're probably right" in a vague way that implies you haven't even listened to what they've said will bore them to tears and they'll move on to someone else.

what would you dh say if you were honest and laid it all out like you have here.

He'd hear me out but it would probably stress him.
I'm also slightly afraid that he'll make it out that I'm being anxious/overemotional and worrying about nothing or making dramas up in my head so that he doesn't have to confront it.

Which will cause a big blow up on its own.

He just ignores all that does he?

I'm not sure he notices most of it. It's separate conversations for most of these things.

I can usually handle it myself, but if it gets to a point where he feels he has to intervene, he will.

I'd use your daughter as an excuse - DH can explain that one easily and it's understandable to any rational person (which may exclude most of them but then it may fit in well with their 'wifey looks after the house and children' view). And tell DH that as the one you get on with isn't there you'd rather give it a miss this time and spend some quality time with DD.

Argh I know it sounds crap but I would go. It sounds like it’ll impact his job if you don’t. Is the company paying? I’d try to get in a ‘yay free linch’ State of mind but make v clear to dh this is a favour!