AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

[rosesandflowers]

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff ) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

So what happens if someone doesn't have a spouse? Do they not get to climb so high on the ladder?

I say ‘thank you’ every time I hear about these 1950’s Stepford Wives organisations - a thank you that neither I or DH work for such places. We have numerous offsite events but they are now all employee only. Thankfully everyone has now realized that we don’t need or want to drag our spouses into our work events. I can’t imagine anything more insulting or demoralizing than the wives being taken into a separate room or event to have their own activities or being at the brunch/dinner only because of who they are married to.

So what happens if someone doesn't have a spouse? Do they not get to climb so high on the ladder?

I've heard stories of people being viewed as "irresponsible" because they haven't "settled down."

I don't know if that's a genuine problem though. I think it's more if you have a spouse, and they decline to attend, it's viewed as strange.

Of course it's a problem. The fact that you've even heard stories of it is a problem. Someone on this thread has said it - that's a problem.

Roses I know I'm late to this thread, but what strikes me is that a situation like this in a healthy marriage should be about compromise. He really wants you to go, you don't but because you can see it's important to him you will. You're compromising but he isn't. What I would ask for in your situation is that he does everything he can to make it a better experience for you. I know you mentioned he said he try to sit close to you, I think that's key to change. I think it's incredibly rude to all the partners for the employees to sit together and talk shop especially in such a way as it actively excludes partners.

It's rude and dismissive and should stop. If he stayed by your side and chatted with everyone about everything except work then the whole event might even be enjoyable and he would be doing his bit to compromise too. Equal relation, equal respect, equal compromise.

Equal relation, equal respect, equal compromise.

Yes, DH and I have agreed he will sit next to me and I'll drive up separately, and he's going to make an effort to have a whole table conversation rather than two separate sides.

It is a huge problem for the wife events. I organize them now DH has been promoted. I try to mix in less girlie things. I've had us rock climbing, kayaking, hiking and taking golf lessons. For those less active I've had visits to museums, tours of places of interest, helicopter tours and art activities like clay, painting and sewing (did make a jewelry roll as the activity).

Christ on a bike!!!

How bloody depressing. This is the wife to the Diversty Officer of 35k employees. Do you not see what is going on here? Are there any women in executive or management positions? What happens if their spouse is a SAHD or works in a low paid part-time role? Do they get invited to the wives event or do they have their own group where they go off and knit lentils?

So much for progress in the workplace. Attending events as the loyal wife who is only in the background only exacerbates the situation.

You'll be on here in a year or so complaining that you can only get a low paid boring job because you have taken time out of the workforce to support your husband as the trailing spouse. These 'DHs' are making the decisions and you are supporting them.

Yeah, no wonder these fields have equality problems.

Some people obviously don’t have a problem being a second class citizen. It would be good to think that in 2018 we had moved forward from the 1950’s.

FFS I cannot imagine having a relationship with someone who expected me to trail along to their work functions all the time.
Yes, sometimes it might be fun to go to the company dinner with your partner if it's good grub in a nice place - or for one spouse to attend an awards ceremony or something with the other (like you'd go to watch your DC's school play however fucking excruciating the standard, because you love your DC and want to support them) but regular 'wife events'? As though wives are not people in their own right?

So what happens if someone doesn't have a spouse? Do they not get to climb so high on the ladder?

It’s a rum old place where your DH works
What’s the sector ? It’s just so weird

We have two DHs in our group. One isn't a father and one is. Both of them work and yes the father works PT and is the one who does most of the childcare. DH has been very supportive of both of their spouses in the workplace.

There is only so much change you can bring when it isn't you or your OH setting the event. DH has been working really hard on his diversity role to get the fundamentals right. There were managers who didn't think it was inappropriate to take customers to strip clubs or visit prostitutes (where prostitution is legal). They are so far behind that I am not even trying to change something as minor as spouse involvement. That time will come but right now the CEOs wife and her group of wives enjoy meeting up.

DH comes to my Christmas party as do all spouses. I work for a small company and we are close knit.

stressedoutpa I'm a CFO of a fintech subsidiary company of a broker dealer. No issues with my own career.

To clarify DH is very supportive of my career but it isn't the sort where there are frequent dinners. He always comes when there is a gathering with a plus one.

He goes to other events, helps me out when he can, helps me get through my bumps. Honestly, my career was fast tracked earlier on when DH's income allowed me to make some investments I couldn't have without another source of money.

It's not like I have to put everything into DH's career and get nothing in return!

Any senior leadership position requires a spouse input. Look at politics. Mr May and Mr Thatcher both had their roles just as Mrs Blair and Mrs Cameron had

Not in business the spouses main roll is to hold the fort when their OH is flying for business

I have never seen this . We work our staff hard and for that reason we respect their free time and work life balanace

This is all 1950s crazy shit

Any senior leadership position requires a spouse input. Look at politics. Mr May and Mr Thatcher both had their roles just as Mrs Blair and Mrs Cameron had.

Stopfucking: Not in business grin the spouses main roll is to hold the fort when their OH is flying for business I have never seen this . We work our staff hard and for that reason we respect their free time and work life balance .This is all 1950s crazy shit

Stopfucking is correct. Where I work, the senior partners earn far more than $500K. They are just work horses who fly around the world and have no life, whilst their spouses hold the fort or they have 2 nannies. We have a chief diversity officer who I am sure will be sacked if they organised a wife event.

I am truly confused by this. Is it really called a wife event? At the very least, it should be 'domestic partner' and then open to spouses of both sexes.

want is your dh's role as diversity officer his day job?

I despair- we’ll never have equality if women agree to these trailing spouse events. Stand up for yourself - if you refused to organize or attend these second class events, they would soon stop taking place.

I suppose in America it doesn’t help having someone like Trump as President!

Any senior leadership position requires a spouse input. Look at politics. Mr May and Mr Thatcher both had their roles just as Mrs Blair and Mrs Cameron had.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks being a sales director of a company is in any way comparable to the prime minister of the country. It sounds like your and roses Hs have a rather grand idea of themselves and their work role.

Since you are the CFO of a company, what input does your spouse contribute to your role?

It sounds like your and roses Hs have a rather grand idea of themselves and their work role.

It's just the convention at his company. Spouses are expected, regardless of what I think of it.

OP: It's just the convention at his company

I have no doubt that is true. The only wife (I think even now it is called spouse) event I went to was when my dh was very senior at a traditional English establishment and it recruited from a certain upper middle class set. None of the wives are as bad as OP describes but the older partners certainly were more likely to have a more conventional SAHM wife arrangement.

Personally if I told my dh I did not want to go and he witnessed me once being spoken down to, I think he would accept that he will just have to hang out with his colleagues.

He would not say 'no' slowly whilst pretending to listen to me, which is what your dh did.

I can see where the balance of lies in your dh's eyes. I think there is a bit of his not seeing you as a living breathing person with your own thoughts in your own right. That you are someone to be humoured but really, it is what he wants that counts.

Are you someone who seeks out approval generally and dislike conflict?

I like to enjoy my free time. This brunch sounds like it would be an effort so I’d opt out

You don't want to go.

That is enough of a reason.

Op - I don’t understand why you have agreed to go to something which you hate so much. If your DH’s career is affected by non attendance of a spouse, then he doesn’t have much of a career. What would happen if you had a work event on the same day, which event would take priority?

Are you someone who seeks out approval generally and dislike conflict?

I don't seek out approval as a general rule, but I think I do when it comes to my DH.
I definitely dislike conflict - always have done.

I can see where the balance of lies in your dh's eyes. I think there is a bit of his not seeing you as a living breathing person with your own thoughts in your own right. That you are someone to be humoured but really, it is what he wants that counts.

I don't think DH manipulates/minimises because of how he sees me. I think he manipulates/minimises as an unhealthy coping strategy with his own problems.

Not preferable in some ways, perhaps, but I think it's more fixable.

Me and DH never go to each other’s work socials. I am not a prop and I’m certainly not going to go and sit and smile and keep my mouth shut at some night out I’m not even interested in. It’s sounds like a very old fashioned set up if partners are expected at events. Don’t go, you don’t work there and they don’t get to commandeer your time!