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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DPs lift request

321 replies

PatrickMelroseFan · 07/06/2018 08:58

DP asked if I’d give him a lift in a couple of weeks time when he is planning on meeting his sister for lunch (she lives abroad).

It’s an hours drive (each way) & in a village location so basically I would be a chauffeur so he can get pissed. But ‘ I could do something for a couple of hours ‘ - like what ?

So I’ve politely declined his request & he’s pissed off

OP posts:
overnightangel · 07/06/2018 10:01

what @ragwort said

flowery · 07/06/2018 10:06

I think it's very rude to ask you to act as chauffeur but not invite you for lunch. Very inhospitable of DP and his sister.

Presumably he is unable to drive, because of course just literally wanting to drink alcohol isn't anything like good enough reason to drag someone an hour away to hang around outside.... If not being able to go for a lunch with family without alcohol being involved is the reason he wants to massively inconvenience you I'd think that utterly pathetic tbh.

liz70 · 07/06/2018 10:06

"No way would I let my DB's girlfriend hang around in the car while we were having a nice long lunch!"

Exactly. It's just so fucking rude and ignorant.

BlueSatsuma · 07/06/2018 10:07

The dp doesn’t hurt have the means of getting there himself as oh doesn’t want to drive him and hang around.

So, he drives himself, chats to his sister and drives home.

No need for alcohol. It’s not possible on this occasion so he’ll have to just suck it up.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/06/2018 10:09

Sometimes I can't believe what I read on here.

I would do this for my boyfriend and he would do it for me, no hesitation. In fact he'd offer then insist so I could enjoy myself.

ohfourfoxache · 07/06/2018 10:11

Yanbu at all. There is no way I’d drive just to sit around waiting for them to get pissed.

But importantly, there is no way DH would ask me to do this either. You’ve been together 2 years - what’s he like in other areas of life? Is he generally a sulker?

MismatchedPJs · 07/06/2018 10:13

Even if you understand his motivation, I do think he's being a bit disrespectful to expect you sit in the carpark, explicitly excluded from the invitation. I respect your self-respect in saying no! Grin

I can see the argument that he'd like to see his sister alone, fair enough. But not at any price. If you are close enough for him to ask this big favour, you are close enough to be included.

Fruitbat1980 · 07/06/2018 10:13

I think compromise is key. I’d drop him off but tell him to make his own drunken way home as waiting about and not being invited to join in is just a P*sstake.

PlumsGalore · 07/06/2018 10:14

I would have no problem taking him or picking him up but not both if I wasn't invited and was expected to sit around waiting for a few hours.

That is ridiculous. I agree that since it is his sister's UK home village then it's perfectly reasonable on all counts that he stays over. I would be happy to drop off one day and come back for him the next too.

I would not, absolutely not, hang around for hours. I think that is unacceptable on his part.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/06/2018 10:19

The DP seemed to think that OP could entertain herself in the local area, not sit in the car with a face like a smacked arse, looking at her watch and tooting the horn occasionally.
Is the area nice? If it's some pretty little village with interesting shops or an art gallery, or a beach or whatever then maybe he thought it would make a pleasant day out for both of them. I could imagine accompanying a partner somewhere and amusing myself in a pleasant location for a while, and not being outraged and offended at the mere idea.
But it does depend on the relationship between OP and the DP - whether he is a bit of a taker who routinely expects OP to put herself out for him but somehow always has a good reason not to do her a favour if she asks, or whether OP is a clingy whiner who can't entertain herself for five minutes without demanding her DP's attention and expects to be invited absolutely everywhere because Our Relationship is The Most Important Thing and Everyone Must Respect Our Relationship.

Footballmumofthefuture · 07/06/2018 10:19

Yeah I would do it no problem.

flowery · 07/06/2018 10:20

”I would do this for my boyfriend and he would do it for me, no hesitation. In fact he'd offer then insist so I could enjoy myself.”

I couldn’t possibly enjoy myself knowing I’d dragged DH out and left him sat outside for a couple of hours just so I could have a drink over lunch. On the other hand I am perfectly capable of enjoying a lunch without alcohol.

Takes all sorts I guess.

AnotherShirtRuined · 07/06/2018 10:20

He may LIKE to have a drink with lunch but does he HAVE to drink? And if so, why is that the OP's problem to the extent that she should have to give up the better part of a day to drive her DP to a social occasion to which she is uninvited/undesired, sit around waiting for him for goodness knows how long only to drive him back again merely to facilitate his drinking? How is that not an unreasonable request?

I would never expect this from my DH nor him from me. We would either not drink or find different means of transport. Easy.

Emily7708 · 07/06/2018 10:22

PlumsGalore you say you’d be happy to drop off one day and pick up the next but not wait for him to have lunch? This means you would be driving for an extra two hours, spending money on petrol and eating into two days, so how is that better than just waiting for him to have lunch?

ifonly4 · 07/06/2018 10:22

Your part of his life, and surely you can be included in this. I'm just wondering if the time can be extended, perhaps both of you staying overnight, having a nice meal/drink in the evening and pethaps you going off shopping/sight seeing for a few hours on arrival/the next day. They can still have a good catch up with you there.

A4710Rider · 07/06/2018 10:23

I think you're being selfish, it's his sister, obviously they're close, they want to have a gossip and get shitfaced. Think about someone else rather than yourself.

CristalTipps · 07/06/2018 10:23

What would you do for a couple of hours other than - get lunch? A two year relationship isn't nothing, especially if you're stable and it looks like you're in it for the long haul.

It would be more normal/polite of them both if you drove him down, she gave you both lunch, then you drove back and he stayed over for the night then got a taxi in the morning to the nearest station.

Footballmumofthefuture · 07/06/2018 10:26

I'd drop him at his Dsis in the morning. Book a spa day or something similar nearby ish. Then I'd pick him up in the early evening.
Failing that I would come home binge on a box set and pick him up the same as above.

beachysandy81 · 07/06/2018 10:30

I wouldn't have the cheek to ask someone to do this for me and not invite them to the lunch!!

SofieMonde · 07/06/2018 10:31

Is there really nothing to do in that area? A museum? art gallery? cafe? nice walk? anything?
You should say you will drive if he promises a weekend abroad for you :) or a day spa, negotiate to your advantage :)

SofieMonde · 07/06/2018 10:32

look on Virgin experience days you could go hot air ballooning or skydiving while they are busy getting pissed lol

19lottie82 · 07/06/2018 10:33

I really don’t get why the OP would have to sit and wait outside?! Go shopping, see a friend....... I’m guessing if your DH and his DSis are having a few drinks they won’t be done in 2 hours anyway!

Why not agree to give him a lift there, then surely when he’s done he can get a taxi to the nearest train station, jump a train home then you can pick him up from the station later on?

I guess it all comes down to would he do it for you? My DH and I would most likely come to an agreement like the one above.

pbjs · 07/06/2018 10:34

If he can drive and is literally expecting you sit around like a twat because he needs to get drunk with his sister yanbu.

If he can't Id probably help him out.

MN is weird about alcohol though so people will think you are being unreasonable to not faciliate your dp getting pissed.

SofieMonde · 07/06/2018 10:34

Or hook up with a tinder date for a few hours, doesn't matter if you are somewhere remote, you will find someone....he doesn't sound very respectful

19lottie82 · 07/06/2018 10:34

You should say you will drive if he
promises a weekend abroad for you

Ah ha ha! I think a taxi each way would be a lot cheaper Grin