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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DPs lift request

321 replies

PatrickMelroseFan · 07/06/2018 08:58

DP asked if I’d give him a lift in a couple of weeks time when he is planning on meeting his sister for lunch (she lives abroad).

It’s an hours drive (each way) & in a village location so basically I would be a chauffeur so he can get pissed. But ‘ I could do something for a couple of hours ‘ - like what ?

So I’ve politely declined his request & he’s pissed off

OP posts:
MadMags · 07/06/2018 11:15

Terrible isn't it.

It is, actually.

Selfless people can actually manage to inconvenience themselves slightly for the person they love.

Imagine if we all guarded are time so weirdly.

GaraMedouar · 07/06/2018 11:16

YANBU - does he drive? Can he drive himself and then stay overnight and come back the next day?

pbjs · 07/06/2018 11:21

Selfless people can actually manage to inconvenience themselves slightly for the person they love.

"Selfless" people don't ask for things they know will seriously inconvenience ohers then strop when they don't get what they want. Hmm

Cath2907 · 07/06/2018 11:27

I wouldn't do this unless there was something I wanted to do in said village. But then my DH wouldn't ask me. He'd either invite me to join or make his own way. I've occasionally dropped him to the train station for a night out but he makes his own way home. I sometimes meet my sister and would like a drink but I don't because I have to drive there... Wouldn't dream of asking hubby to be my chauffeur.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/06/2018 11:29

OP weirdly, this is the sort of thing I love!

I know it's a village but if you are UK based, normally there are places nearby- can you find somewhere nice to go and read/ shop/ have a coffee/ nice lunch?

Cath2907 · 07/06/2018 11:34

My sister lives in a small rural welsh village. There is 1 pub, 1 spar shop and literally nothing else. Assuming we were meeting in the 1 pub my DH would then need to wander the streets until we were free. The village is 30 mins drive from the nearest small town. Even there you'd struggle to find a "nice" lunch. It would be ok if the weather was nice but he'd have to take a picnic and the village car park is far from a nice place to sit. Having grown up there I'd know some nice walks to take but he wouldn't.

I suspect many of you are thinking of much more chocolate boxey villages with lovely cafe's and small boutiques - like you get in posh places. I like hanging in out in those for the afternoon but they aren't all like that! Trust me a day out in my native village is not a joy and not for the faint of heart!

Look your DP can drive - he can therefore drive himself. Or he can go for the evening instead of lunch and stay over and drive home. You aren't his keeper. If it was you drive or he couldn't go at all that would be a different kettle of fish.

Okadas · 07/06/2018 11:36

It is a request, not an order worth getting annoyed about.

I've had friends ask me for favours that are of zero benefit to me. I do them if I can (be bothered) because I like these people and know they will return the favour if I ever need something. Unless your DP is a major selfish dick and wouldn't do the same for you why would you not put yourself out for him?

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 07/06/2018 11:39

If I was in your shoes, I’d be happy to drive a DP to meet family for lunch if I was invited to lunch. If I was being asked to be chauffeur then sit twiddling my thumbs for two hours the answer would be a resounding “hell no!”
Tell him if you’re not good enough to be invited to join him for lunch he can make him s own way. Then tell him, you don’t want to be invited as an afterthought because he needs a drive. He really is being thoughtless and insensitive.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/06/2018 11:44

OP's fucked off. Probably because she is the sort of person who thinks it's outrageous for a partner to ask for a favour.

And as to the PP whose DSIS lives in the absolute arse end of nowhere - OP hasn't confirmed whether or not the place her DP wants to visit consists of nothing but sheepshit and industrial estates, or whether it is a pretty little village.

Bluelady · 07/06/2018 11:44

It would never occur to me to say no. We do things for one another all the time. Isn't that what a partnership is all about? Are people really this selfish?

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2018 11:48

My mind boggles at the cheeky fuckery of some people. Cheeky fuckery towards people they proclaim to love and care about too. What a fucking user this man is.

To ask you to drive him there and not invite you is so rude. Stick to your guns, a big fat no is the right and only answer.

bonnyshide · 07/06/2018 11:50

I would be more than happy to give my DH a lift so he can see his sister (who lives abroad) and enjoy a boozy lunch with her

He'd do the same for me in a heartbeat, and often drives my tipsy ass home after a ladies night out.

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2018 11:50

Are people really this selfish?

Eh, what's selfish is him asking.

BottleOfJameson · 07/06/2018 11:52

Are people really this selfish?

yes apparently OP's DP is so selfish that a few drinks at lunch time is worth wasting OP's entire day over? Yes.

Original poster
PatrickMelroseFan · 07/06/2018 11:52

It really is in the middle of no where.

TBH I don’t feel I would be selfish in saying no when as someone else said I’m only good enough for the lift but not an invite.

I am more than happy for him to go alone , stay overnight etc but don’t want to be sat twiddling my thumbs. They’ll probably take 3 hours.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 07/06/2018 11:56

I still can't believe either of them would be happy to have a three hour lunch while one of their partner's sat in the car like a lemon! I'm not that close to DB's fiancee (nothing against her we just have nothing in common). I can imagine enjoying a meal one on one with my brother so we can bang on about memories and family stuff without her being bored. That said if I knew she was outside the pub in a car no way would I sit around chatting and drinking for three hours! I'd insist she came in and joined us. It's really rude.

Okadas · 07/06/2018 12:04

Can the sister pick him up and take him to the village then you collect him after?

Ragwort · 07/06/2018 12:07

You still haven't answered the question, 'would he do you a similar favour?'.

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 12:09

I would say to him exactly what you just said. If I’m only good enough for the lift but not an invite then no. To be honest, I just think it's weird you driving your partner to see his sister (your basically defacto in law) and he leaves you in the car while he goes and has lunch with her. It seems......wrong. You've been with him for 2 years. You and his sister should have a girly rapport and you should be joining him - as a couple. A team. I would definitely say you feel insulted you are made to sit it the car while he goes and has lunch and I would definitely suggest you say to him you feel insulted and hurt that he doesn't bring you along and all 3 of you enjoy yourselves. You are a partnership! Why on earth is he leaving you out? Its just wrong on many levels imo and you should say so. And if he insinuates, it is nothing about jealousy. It is about being respected as his other half. As his partner. Not 'oh she drove me here she is sitting in the car/in a cafe somewhere waiting for me'.

You are couple. You are his partner. Not his chauffeur or uber/taxi driver!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/06/2018 12:14

Actually i imagine the OP left as people were completely ignoring what she'd said about it being the kind of village where there is nothing to do but sit in the car with "Why can't you just find something to DO?"
She clearly stated this not just in the OP, but also in a follow up, but people still just keep asking her to pull a museum/cafe/gallery/beach/nice walk out of her arse. If there is nothing there, there's nothing there, I've seen plenty of villages when i used to go to work with my dad when i was off sick that have literally NOTHING touristy at all. And they tend to be in the middle of nowhere with a good 20+ minute drive to anywhere with anything to do.
An hour drive is a long way, to then be expected to sit there for at least a couple of hours while they have a long relaxing lunch with multiple bottles of wine is a piss take. Cars aren't comfortable to just sit about in, even if OP took a book or something maybe she just doesn't find car seats comfortable, i know i sure don't, and theres not much room, they weren't made for relaxing in. Is she supposed to slink in to the pub and not be seen or heard should she need a wee? Would she even be allowed to if she is not a customer, since i doubt there are any public facilities about.
The distance is clearly too far to drop off and pick up, which means this is an unreasonable "request" (his huffing dictates clearly its more an expectation) and so he should find an alternative.
His sister lives there, there's nothing stopping him driving and staying overnight, or even for just a few hours to break down the alcohol til hes under the limit if he has work commitments next day. He could get a taxi the whole way, or to the nearest public transport that can get him home or at least close for a not so taking the piss pick up and drop off.

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 12:22

Bluelady "We do things for one another all the time. Isn't that what a partnership is all about?" Isn't a partnership about going out as a united couple? Isn't that what partnership is all about? Is it normal in your partnership for your partner to meet his family for lunch and drinks, and leave you like a shag on a rock, or sitting in the car? Is that how your partner treats you?!?? This is not his drinking buddies - which would be a different matter entirely. This is family and by defacto hers if they are in a committed partnership.

I am truly staggered that there appears to be people like you who think it is ok to leave your partner in the car when having lunch and drinks. As if she is nothing but a bit of shit. Just a taxi and nothing more to him. Seriously, wtf? Are you for real? Talk about selfish! And insensitive, for the record. A partnership means you things TOGETHER. And meet family for lunch and drinks TOGETHER. At least, in my partnership it is. I feel sad for you that that is the type of partnership you settle for. I am so glad my partner doesn't treat me like a bit of shit to be used and hidden away when it is inconvenient to him like you appear to Bluelady.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/06/2018 12:23

‘ I could do something for a couple of hours ‘

If he can’t find any realistic suggestions of what ‘something’ you’re supposed to busy yourself with for a few hours then I’d tell him to go whistle for his lift - who knows he might be lucky and a taxi might turn up Wink

Neverender · 07/06/2018 12:25

I would, but then me and DH did stuff like this often before DC's came along. He once drove 1.5hrs to collect me from a work xmas party as I didn't want to stay over and we love each other.

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 12:26

bonnyshide " a ladies night out." A ladies night out, a boys night out at the pub is different to FAMILY. Completely and absolutely different. The defacto sil is basically family to the op too, in a way. You don't leave your partner sitting in the car while he sees your inlaws! What type of family/partnership is that?

KurriKurri · 07/06/2018 12:27

There are penty of places where there is absolutely nothing to do nearby. A one hour drive each way, a three hour lunch. Her DP is asking her to basically spend her day sitting in a car for five hours.

If her DP wants a lift he and his sister need to compromise by making it somewhere where she can go off and have lunch, do a bit of shopping or whatever.

It's a tall order to have someone drive you to the middle of nowhere and expect them to sit about twiddling thier thumbs - rather rude to ask. Especially when they are meeting a family member and haven't invited you.

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