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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DPs lift request

321 replies

PatrickMelroseFan · 07/06/2018 08:58

DP asked if I’d give him a lift in a couple of weeks time when he is planning on meeting his sister for lunch (she lives abroad).

It’s an hours drive (each way) & in a village location so basically I would be a chauffeur so he can get pissed. But ‘ I could do something for a couple of hours ‘ - like what ?

So I’ve politely declined his request & he’s pissed off

OP posts:
liz70 · 07/06/2018 09:37

Pick SIL up from wherever and drop her and DH at a pub within walking distance from your home. Leave them to their boozy lunch, and get on with your day. Tell them it's that, or take a taxi.

Singlenotsingle · 07/06/2018 09:38

Ragwort, not at all! He needs to drive himself and stay overnight. I'm surprised at what he's asking OP to do - act as unpaid chauffeur and hang around while he and dsis get pissed. He is BU

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 09:39

Ask him why you are not invited? Does his sister even know about you? Why would she not ask why you are not with him? Surely she'd demand to meet with you and you all have drinks together? I was all ready to say YABU but then I saw you are not invited. I would make a point of asking why he doesn't want to be seen with you, and say you will drive him IF you go along to drinks too.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/06/2018 09:40

does she have access to a car? Could he get her to help in some way i.e. meet him at a nearby train station, then you can pick him up. OR if you have two cars could he take one and leave it in her driveway? you could pick him up and sort out car later.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/06/2018 09:42

I don't think its unreasonable for him to want to see his sister on his own. If 2 sister's were meeting and one of them wanted to bring their male partner that would probably be criticised. It's fine to want time with sibling on your own.

Original poster
PatrickMelroseFan · 07/06/2018 09:42

Yes I’ve met her on several occasions. She only comes to the UK a couple of times a year.
We have been together 2 years. He was with his previous ExW for 20 years so actually I do completely understand them wanting to meet on their own.
I might suggest driving him there , him staying overnight & she can bring him back the next day.

OP posts:
speakout · 07/06/2018 09:43

No I wouldn't drive an hour.
I don't mind picking up OH from a local bus stop or station if he has been drinking at a works night out- but not an hour no.
I would expect him to get public transport for most of the way.

chocatoo · 07/06/2018 09:43

This reply has been deleted

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overnightangel · 07/06/2018 09:44

Would he do the same for you? If so YABU, if not YANBU.
Though isn’t part of being a relationship doing nice things for each other sometimes?

chocatoo · 07/06/2018 09:45

Oh, haha I’ve just realised it’s your DP, I thought it was your Father!!

OohMavis · 07/06/2018 09:46

Would he do it for you?

wagil · 07/06/2018 09:49

I really can't picture this, won't his sister feel uncomfortable knowing you're sitting waiting outside? Do you get on?

What the hell do they chat about? Presumably how odd their family is.

blackteasplease · 07/06/2018 09:50

Yanbu!

What an incredibly unreasonable thing to ask of you! So insulting as well! What he's thinking of is a taxi I think.

He really should get a taxi both ways of he wants to drink or he can drive himself and not drink. That wouldn't stop him catching up! If you were feeling especially kind you could offer to drive him there and he gets a taxi back. Or the other way round but if you do the return journey he might mess you about re leaving times (if he's as entitled as he sounds).

wagil · 07/06/2018 09:51

Ah, cross post, get it.

Presumably you share a car.

Emily7708 · 07/06/2018 09:53

I would do it for my DH without hesitation, and it wouldn’t bother me at all if I wasn’t invited. Listening to other people’s relatives chat and reminisce is beyond boring. Can’t you just sit and read a book or watch a film? Unless he’s a complete shitbag why wouldn’t you want to do a favour for him? Maybe you could give them a couple of hours and then join them afterwards?

JessicaJonesJacket · 07/06/2018 09:55

I'd do it for DP and he would do it for me.

They only see each other twice a year and I'm sure there must be something you can do nearby. I wouldn't sit in the car but I used to travel with DP for work and if he had meetings no matter the location, day or time, I'd find somewhere to go or/and something to do.

blackteasplease · 07/06/2018 09:55

I really can never understand people who asks for "lifts" from people because they are too tight to fork out for a taxi or won't budget for one.

When I was a teen I lived in a v remote location. When I was old enough to go out drinking and if no one from my group who lived near me wanted to drive (we all often drove and observed a zero alcohol limit) we would budget for a taxi from our limited earned money and always made sure we didn't spend those funds while we were out.

Ragwort · 07/06/2018 09:55

What an incredibly unreasonable thing to ask of you!

Why is it so unreasonable, I'm often amazed on Mumsnet about how people think that a 'kind, thoughtful gesture' to do something for your partner is considered 'unreasonable'.

What else would you be specifically doing at the time he wanted a lift, assuming you aren't working or have something booked surely it's not the end of the world. I'm sure my DH doesn't particularly like driving me to the airport at 4am in the morning (3 hour round trip) and meeting me the following week but he does it because he loves me and knows I would do the same for him.

Of course the key question is, which you haven't answered, would he do the same for you? Is he generally kind and generous towards you?

Emily7708 · 07/06/2018 09:57

What’s the point of your overnight suggestion - you’re driving back that way! Are you that short of time you can’t spare two hours to wait for him? You haven’t been with him that long so surely you’re still at the stage of wanting to do nice things for each other?

blackteasplease · 07/06/2018 09:57

But she hasnt offered, he has asked and is huffy about it. If the OP offered fair enough. Or if he had actually done the same pr something equally inconvenient for her before, but we don't have any suggestion of that.

happypoobum · 07/06/2018 09:58

No way would I do this!!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/06/2018 09:59

Emily
I doubt a long lunch with a couple of bottles of wine will be over in two hours.

Hogtini · 07/06/2018 10:00

Gosh seems a bit mean when it's his sister who leaves abroad and he rarely sees. I take it this is the first time he's asked in the 2 years so why not - unless you have any other pressing engagements. I would just see it as doing a favour and ask for a lunch for the two of you in return - he can drive.

BottleOfJameson · 07/06/2018 10:00

I really can't picture this, won't his sister feel uncomfortable knowing you're sitting waiting outside? That's what I was thinking. No way would I let my DB's girlfriend hang around in the car while we were having a nice long lunch!

Emily7708 · 07/06/2018 10:01

I thought that Chaz, but the OP says a couple of hours. Maybe they are fast drinkers!