To say no to DPs lift request

[PatrickMelroseFan]

DP asked if I’d give him a lift in a couple of weeks time when he is planning on meeting his sister for lunch (she lives abroad).

It’s an hours drive (each way) & in a village location so basically I would be a chauffeur so he can get pissed. But ‘ I could do something for a couple of hours ‘ - like what ?

So I’ve politely declined his request & he’s pissed off

I think the issue is some of us were raised properly with manners and others were raised in a barn.

Count us in the bonkers camp then. Both of us would do it without thinking twice.

I'd probably do it as a favour BUT my DH would never ask me to.

There's no way he'd leave me to sit in a car twiddling my thumbs just to fetch and carry him.

Is it because his sister still feels some loyalty to his ex. I think it is unusual for her to also exclude you under the circumstances. I would either go with dropping him early in the morning and doing something with your day or him driving himself and then staying over and back the next day.

I’d do it happily.

But I think the best suggestions is doing it one way, and sister dropping him back

And some are so laid back they wouldn't see it as an inconvenience

Or maybe just have something better to do with their time than play cool wife while their husbands take the piss.

Confused why SGB is throwing out sexist sterotypes myself.

As well as defending a man who has a tantrum when his wife doesn't drive him where she wants when he wants.

How can you ask one person to drive and then leave them outside the house while you go in to have lunch?

As a host, how can you do that to somebody who has gone out of their way to bring your brother to see you? Maybe the sister could bring out a plate of sandwiches for her to eat on the drive?

This isn't a lift to a job opportunity, a work event or a medical appointment. You either make everyone welcome or you do this sort of thing under your own steam and at your own cost. It is just good manners.

Haven’t RTFT but why can’t they meet somewhere more easily accessible by public transport for both?

Again: what no one knows is whether OP is routinely being asked for favours by her DP and has had enough, or whether she's usually the one expecting him to go out of his way to oblige her.
We don't know if OP is not invited to join this lunch because the DP and his sister have prior experience of OP sitting in between them and talking about herself all the time. There are people who cannot let a partner meet up with even family members without muscling in and demanding attention.
It may simply be that the sister doesn't like OP - you don't have to like your siblings' partners, and it's OK not to want to spend time with them, though if that's the case then it is rude of the DP to ask for a lift.
But plenty of people are happy to do a much-loved and generally fair-minded partner a favour at inconvenience to themselves, as long as it isn't too often and is going to be reciprocated.

It's not the lift that's weird. Both DH and I give lifts so the other person can drink/go somewhere out of the way/be safer.

It's the fact that she will be waiting in a car outside, all alone, while there is a perfectly fine lunch happening. All the people with a handle on the side of their head are missing the point that if you think she should do this because they're a 'team' and she loves him and selflessness, and blah blah, he would probably want her there. But he doesn't.

It's like Driving Miss Daisy.

It's just completely incomprehensible to me that a couple of glasses of wine are worth that much effort. Have a Coke, for crying out loud!

Have a Coke, for crying out loud!

Or meet somewhere with good transport links.

Or invite the OP.

Or stay overnight.

Or get a lift one way and a taxi back.

Or go for a walk instead.

The OP's OH seems to want to do the sum total of fuck-all to accommodate his own wants while he, and half of MN, appear to want her to waste 5 hours to accommodate them. Female socialisation indeed.

"It's just completely incomprehensible to me that a couple of glasses of wine are worth that much effort."

Yes-but it's no effort on the part of the person who wants to drink!

It's just completely incomprehensible to me that a couple of glasses of wine are worth that much effort. Have a Coke, for crying out loud!

And everywhere pretty much sells alcohol free beer these days. Of course yanbu anyone normal would just drive themselves there.

Where is this place that you can't get to a town of some sort with 20 mins / half an hour and then mooch around before going back to pick him up?

I absolutely would do this and wouldn't have any problem with it. DH would also do it for me. He'd have bugger all interest in sitting there with me and my sister while we had a catch up and vice versa.
I would totally be having a drink too when catching up with sister (or even old friends in fact).

This seems like minimum effort to me tbh. Unless you have to be somewhere on that day or you have to organise childcare etc.

Thank you all for your replies.

DP has read through the thread & is horrified at his behaviour. An invite was then extended which I declined.
He is going to drive himself & stay overnight if he decides to have a drink.
He is a bit of a softy & works abroad a lot at this time of the year so likes to come home when he is the country.

Ha ha.

I'm boggling at what some of you consider a 'village' - go to an art gallery? If it's a village like the one I live in, there's absolutely nothing to do, except wander around looking at the scenery for fifteen miles!

I would give him a lift. Go for a coffee and read a book. I think it's strange. You wouldn't give him a lift.

Strange request... Expecting you to drive but not inviting you to the meal... The whole "can't catch up with family without drinking so much alcohol that I won't be able drive home afterwards" aspect...

No, I wouldn't be inclined to "be kind", under those circumstances, nor would I ask anyone else (much less someone I care about) to do the same for me.

I think its very unkind not to invite a partner in these circumstances. Basically its like saying your just good enough to be my taxi and thats it.
I'd have told him to fuck right off never mind just saying no.

You can actually have a small glass of wine or half a pint with a meal without being over the limit. You then have a soft drink (I go for Diet Coke personally), then tea or coffee with the desert if you have one. That's perfectly legal and you can still have a lovely catch up. If you want more to drink, go to a hotel for the night and have more. Or fork out for a taxi back home.

It's ridiculous to expect your partner to be your chauffeur.

Cross post. That's a good result and I'm glad he's taken stock.

"I think its very unkind not to invite a partner in these circumstances"

Perhaps the sister doesn't realise that her brother would ask Op to drive him there & then hang about?