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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to DPs lift request

321 replies

PatrickMelroseFan · 07/06/2018 08:58

DP asked if I’d give him a lift in a couple of weeks time when he is planning on meeting his sister for lunch (she lives abroad).

It’s an hours drive (each way) & in a village location so basically I would be a chauffeur so he can get pissed. But ‘ I could do something for a couple of hours ‘ - like what ?

So I’ve politely declined his request & he’s pissed off

OP posts:
AnotherShirtRuined · 07/06/2018 12:57

Neverender So if, say, your mum asked you for a lift to your sister's house and your sister lived in the back end of nowhere an hour away, you would be happy to take her, sit in your car and wait for her because you hadn't been invited, only to drive her back home again after a few hours? It's not the DP spending time with his sister alone that's the problem here, it's the expectation that the OP will spend her day taking him there and back without being included.

Neverender · 07/06/2018 12:58

I'd ask. OP is free to say no but why would you if you're:
a. not doing anything else
b. happy in your own company
c. prepared to do something nice for someone else
d. have the resources (petrol etc.) to help someone

I would only say no for any of the above reasons.

Neverender · 07/06/2018 13:00

They're not going to her house! If DH wanted to go for lunch with his brother who he hadn't seen for ages and it was just going to be the two of them, I'd give him a lift.

If my Mum and sister wanted to go to the cinema I would not only drop them off and collect them, but I would look after my niece and nephew too.

What's the point of having people you love in your life if you aren't going to do nice things for each other? They do the same for me too.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 07/06/2018 13:01

I'd do it. If my boyfriends brother was coming in for lunch - i'd drive him, have a drink with them - go off and poodle for a few hours and pick them up :) Or arrange another friend to meet me at a rival lunch........

AnotherShirtRuined · 07/06/2018 13:01

But maybe she would like to do something else? See her own sister, for instance? And yes, it is nice to do something nice for someone else, but not if that someone else is taking the piss.

Neverender · 07/06/2018 13:02

Personally, I wouldn't wait in the car. I would probably go home and get some stuff done (even if it were an hour away) and then go back a lot later (longer than 3hrs), I'm sure they won't mind spending extra time together.

AnotherShirtRuined · 07/06/2018 13:03

If that is the case the kind thing is to let him stay the night at his sister's house and College him the following day...

AnotherShirtRuined · 07/06/2018 13:04

Collect, not College ! Bloody predictive text

FizzyGreenWater · 07/06/2018 13:06

I am turning this round and looking at it from the other side though - how bloody rude is this guy?!

It's fine to want to make plans to see your friend/sister/ whoever that you don't often get to catch up with, alone.

It's absolutely not fine to ask anyone to facilitate the trip in this way.

It would just about be ok to say, would you be amazing and give me a lift there, then I'll get a train back/stay over. (Or rather, if sis wants him to go to her so she doesn't have to move a muscle - perhaps she sorts it? hey bro, know it's awkward getting all the way out here, how about you stay over/I pay a taxi to nearest train station?)

But to actually say, can you take me all the way there, then sit in the car out of our way until we've finished, then bring me back?

I'd be so insulted by that and gutted that my partner could be so rude and entitled. It wouldn't really be about not being invited. It would be the whole arrogant rude package. I'd refuse because I'd feel I was being made a right fool of, and I'll go out of my way for anyone.

I would raise all my eyebrows at once and suggest politely that perhaps they meet in a mutually ok location. Or he stays over. I might be able to give him a lift there, if he plans to stay. Otherwise - no, I'm your partner, not some kind of employee. Give your sis my best...

halfwitpicker · 07/06/2018 13:06

Giraffe

CookPassBabtridge · 07/06/2018 13:07

I wouldn't mind as I'm good at amusing myself and would explore, but it would be a bit weird not joining them and also them knowing they have a time limit and that someone is waiting for them to finish. It's best all round if drives himself and stays over.

sprinklesandsauce · 07/06/2018 13:08

OP, YANBU to not want to do this. He has asked for a favour, it doesn't suit you to do it, so you don't have to. What is more important to him, getting pissed or seeing his sister?

He sounds like my dad, who will only do stuff if he can have a drink. He will never drive home from a wedding or a meal or a party. If he has to drive, he will not go. Selfish.

Very selfish to expect you to sit in a car doing nothing while he stuffs his face and gets drunk. If it is like villages round here, then there will be literally nothing do to, a lot of them don't have a shop or a pub, just houses.

Tell him no, and don't feel guilty doing it.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/06/2018 13:09

And also, Shock - HOW rude is the sister?!

Can you imagine this scenario. Oh hello. Nice to see you OP. Thanks for delivering my bro. See you later, we should be done around 4, that'll be our two bottles of wine. Shuts door.

Sorry but if she is even vaguely ok with that plan and doesn't IMMEDIATELY say oh no, OP must come too, coming all this way - let's do a joint one (and ok implication is you stay sober but bloody hell at least you're not being treated like a chauffeur!) then - RUDE RUDE RUDE!

Hogtini · 07/06/2018 13:12

Sorry but at no point has the OP's DP said she must sit in the car - she has said this herself. Plenty of us grown-ups could happily entertain ourselves for a few hours with a walk/book/drive on elsewhere to do something else. I would hope my DP would assume I could have the mind set to do this too. The OP's DP has asked weeks in advance, it's a simple question, he's not some random asking this is her DP who shares her life. She has had the opportunity to say yes or no. Some people are making him out to be some kind of ogre for asking, jeez.

Astella22 · 07/06/2018 13:12

TBH I don’t feel I would be selfish in saying no when as someone else said I’m only good enough for the lift but not an invite.

Completely agree with this. I mean if it was 10 even 20 mins away (making a round trip of 40 mins) then I would say OK but an hour there to sit around outside like the help would be a complete no no for me. He could easily spring for a taxi to the nearest bus/train station afterwards and get home that way. I think his request is rather selfish.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 07/06/2018 13:13

Are you supposed to take a packed lunch with you and per in the bushes.
To those saying you'd do it for a loved one and they would for you then I doubt either of you would even think of asking something so rude and selfish is you really care so much for the other.

Rhiannon13 · 07/06/2018 13:16

I would do anything for a couple of hours of peace to get on with my book uninterrupted, so would definitely say yes.

Jaxhog · 07/06/2018 13:21

It does seem a bit mean to ask you to drive him to his Sister's house and ask you to wait in the car! Couldn't you wait in the house?

I think your idea of driving him there, him staying overnight, and sis driving him home seems like the best idea.

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 13:22

"But to actually say, can you take me all the way there, then sit in the car out of our way until we've finished, then bring me back?

I'd be so insulted by that"

Exactly FizzyGreenWater I am glad others grasp the concept as I was wondering if I was living in an alternate universe where partners were not family and were just the hired help. It really boggles my mind the setup other people have with their partners. Confused And yes, the sister is very rude. If I were the sister I would be asking where his partner was, on being told she is waiting in the car/taking a drive/sitting in a cafe nearby, I would be absolutely mortified. Positively mortified and embarrassed and ashamed. I would be angry with my brother and demand he go bring her in now and I'd apologise profusely to her for my rudeness and my brother's rudeness and lack of manners.

flowery · 07/06/2018 13:23

"He once drove 1.5hrs to collect me from a work xmas party as I didn't want to stay over and we love each other"

Yes, my DH would do (and has done) similar, and so would I.

But neither of us would be so selfish as to expect the other to drive an hour, hang around in the middle of nowhere for a couple of hours then drive back for an hour so that we could have an alcoholic drink at lunchtime. There's a huge world of difference between doing an annual evening Christmas party sober and doing lunch with a family member sober.

I honestly can't think of anyone I know who prioritises alcohol so much as to put their partner to massive inconvenience so that they can have some of a lunch time. That's completely bonkers, I can't even get my head round it. And people are thinking the OP is the selfish one! Grin

flowery · 07/06/2018 13:24

" If I were the sister I would be asking where his partner was, on being told she is waiting in the car/taking a drive/sitting in a cafe nearby, I would be absolutely mortified. Positively mortified and embarrassed and ashamed. I would be angry with my brother and demand he go bring her in now and I'd apologise profusely to her for my rudeness and my brother's rudeness and lack of manners."

Yes, this. I would be utterly horrified if I found out my brother was planning to do this.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 07/06/2018 13:27

She has had the opportunity to say yes or no. Some people are making him out to be some kind of ogre for asking, jeez

But she said no and now he’s got the hump. Confused. He’s BU. Ok fine, ask the CF question but accept that the answer might be no and make other arrangements.

I wouldn’t dream of expecting this of my DP - either he’s included or he isn’t, that doesn’t mean he gets to ferry me around and vice versa.

chickenpox100 · 07/06/2018 13:30

Breathtakingly rude of him.

He can (a) invite you to join the lunch (b) not drink (c) take public transport.

I wouldn't stay married to someone like that for five minutes.

And then to sulk when you said no!!! It would have been different if you had offered and he had been suitably grateful.

chickenpox100 · 07/06/2018 13:32

I would no more ask my partner to do this than I would fly. Why would someone treat their life partner in a way they wouldn't treat a friend? And expect to be able to treat them like this as some God-given right? This right here is what's wrong with our narcissistic culture.

AnotherShirtRuined · 07/06/2018 13:34

flowery Precisely!