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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is your life easier when your DH is away?

204 replies

revision · 06/06/2018 16:22

Is this normal or not and am I awful for thinking this sometimes / quite a lot? AIBU?

DH is away with work for a few nights this week, as he often is. I just came back from the school run and rather than rushing round tidying the house and making dinner, I'm on MN with a coffee and will just do pasta or something later. Plus less mess and laundry all round and generally a more chilled atmosphere, even though the kids have exams this week.

I do appreciate DH for all he does and I miss him too, but AIBU to feel more relaxed when he's on a trip? Does anyone else feel like this ever?

OP posts:
Stinkywink · 06/06/2018 21:39

I live alone time but he is very hands on with the kids and housework so my life would be harder!

Sevendown · 06/06/2018 21:46

I don’t understand why the posters on this thread are with these men?

Is it just for the £££?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 06/06/2018 21:51

*I don’t understand why the posters on this thread are with these men?

Is it just for the £££?*

Haha oh do piss off! Grab a sense of humour whilst you’re there.

shinycat · 06/06/2018 21:51

@Sevendown

I don’t understand why the posters on this thread are with these men?

Is it just for the £££?

Yes. He earns six figures and I earn 5 times less than him. I love my lifestyle and I love his money.

That what you wanna hear hun?

Yeah? GOOD.

You can go now.

Notonthestairs · 06/06/2018 21:53

DH has always been away or unavailable Mon-Fri so it's actually more disruptive during the week if he's about!

Original poster
revision · 06/06/2018 21:56

No I do miss him a lot and I don't sleep as well when he's not here. I just don't miss the extra cleaning / tidying / cooking that goes with hiim and if he didn't go away fairly regularly I think I would find it too much to be honest. Maybe it's because he's not here all the time, that I make more effort when he is? I don't know. Nights like tonight I tend to max out and order Deliveroo. This is how I get balance,

OP posts:
EyeRolls · 06/06/2018 21:56

I have tried to put my finger on why it is, but when DH is away, I am calmer, everything that needs doing gets done and I love missing him so that we can 'reunite'! Yet I would say we have a great relationship. But I do do a lot of the emotional thinking and the delegating. When he's not here, I just do it myself rather than waiting for him to get around to it. He is also very untidy...

Yes to less complicated meals, less mess, less needing to compromise / explain...and no snoring!!

NamedyChangedy · 06/06/2018 21:58

I'm very open with DP about enjoying his work trips! Things are so much easier without him around, even though it means I have to do both drop offs and pick ups, I also get a relaxing evening in tidy house, and a big bed all to myself. Bliss!

UserV · 06/06/2018 22:11

@Eyerolls

I have tried to put my finger on why it is, but when DH is away, I am calmer, everything that needs doing gets done and I love missing him so that we can 'reunite'! Yet I would say we have a great relationship. But I do do a lot of the emotional thinking and the delegating. When he's not here, I just do it myself rather than waiting for him to get around to it. He is also very untidy...

Yes to less complicated meals, less mess, less needing to compromise / explain...and no snoring!!

I feel like this a bit too. Makes me wish he lived next door! Grin My DH is not untidy though. But as a few have said, it's hard to do 'my' thing when he is home. We either do what we both want, or what HE wants. If I do try to do what I want (or watch what I want,) I feel as if he is just sitting there bored, and just looking at the walls, (as he has no interest,) and I don't enjoy it. So him being away gives me an opportunity to do my thing and catch up on what I want to watch (and what I want to do.)

On another note, I have seen a lot of posts saying 'the kids are better behaved when DH is away.'

Why IS that? Why are your kids 'naughtier' when your DH is there?

Notso · 06/06/2018 22:21

In some ways it seems like less work when DH is away. I only prepare and cook dinner once, I eat earlier with the kids so dinner is eaten and dishes done by 5:30. There's less washing, he doesn't pop home for lunch. I like watching shite TV without him moaning and not hearing Sky sports news or 5 live.
He was miffed when he rang the other night and me and the kids were enjoying an after dinner walk in the sunshine rather than sitting at home miserable without him!
However, I miss my morning cup of tea in bed, coming down to an empty dishwasher and a load of washing on. I miss the back up when the kids are bickering. I don't sleep too well when he's not in bed with me and the sex, I miss the sex!

Almostfifty · 06/06/2018 22:35

No, I hated it when the DC were young, it was just so much hassle, having to drag them all out to pick up from activities.

Now, the DC are all grown and he works away and I just miss him. Really, really miss him.

Bluelady · 06/06/2018 23:45

Is it for the £££? Hardly. I've got more £££ than he has. I love mine very much but I don't need him to be around all the time, in fact I appreciate far more because he's not here 24/7.

cricketballs3 · 07/06/2018 00:28

If this is the type of relationship you've settled for then no wonder you're happy when your DH goes away. For a large number of us though this in no way representative of our relationships. Both me and DH travel for work and miss each other dreadfully. If there's a way of minimising the length of the trip then we do but that doesn't mean we're pathetic. We just love each others company. I'd rather have it our way then wishing he wasn't around because he doesn't pull his weight and makes my life harder.

I can't remember saying we dont miss each other or that I've settled.....we miss each other like crazy Friday night sex is beyond amazing but this thread is about the lighter side of having a partner who has to work away and how we deal with it...like having the TV remote to ourselves so we can watch crap without having to hear any moaning Grin

Stinkywink · 07/06/2018 06:17

I don't understand why there is MORE housework when they're there? Surely it should be less if they're helping out equally? And surely childcare should be easier because someone else is doing half of it? Hmm

Aebj · 07/06/2018 06:41

We are very much more organised when dh isn’t here and I kind of relax more. I can watch home and away without the ‘this is crap’ comments !!! I even get the bed to myself and my cats think it’s heaven that I’m just about.
I miss him. He likes fixing things, so although able to do most jobs I save some for him. ( mainly so he doesn’t get under my feet!!) . We have FaceTime which is great and he can help with the boys maths homework!!!

We have seen him in person for about 14 weeks ( 1 of which was because ds2 had his pacemaker operation, we were an emergency case, stressful time!!) in the last 18 months. We are a defence family so this is normal for us. I’m just glad that at the moment we have FaceTime.
So in answer to your question, yes it’s easier ( at the moment) for him to be away!!

Namechange128 · 07/06/2018 07:00

Easier when he's away here too, though only for a couple of days and not on the weekend (and he says the same when I travel for work).

I don't like the railing on the pp that said she didn't like it and she was getting her mum over when her DH went on a 4 day stag do though - for all any of us know, she has 3 under 3 including a newborn, while many of the people posting here have DCs of primary age and above (and no additional needs anywhere).

SoyDora · 07/06/2018 07:13

I don't understand why there is MORE housework when they're there? Surely it should be less if they're helping out equally? And surely childcare should be easier because someone else is doing half of it?

Yeah this is what I don’t understand! When DH is away I have to do double the housework and double the childcare, as he usually does half of it!

BertieBotts · 07/06/2018 07:19

Harder for me. I don't think I'm very good at being an adult Blush

Yes I probably do relax more but then that leads to things falling apart somewhat, and it seems like there is LOADS to do in the house. He does pick up quite a lot of my slack, and I'm grateful for it.

Original poster
revision · 07/06/2018 07:20

SoyDora - maybe yours in the lucky minority then, because out over 140 posts on here, there are only about 5 that say it's less work when their DH is home. Most people still do miss their husband's...but still Confused.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 07/06/2018 07:23

My latest DH is really helpful - cooks, doesn't make a mess, is brilliant at fixing things and DIY. Plus, just seeing him lifts my spirits in a way I can't put into words. And I get scared at night without him. So no.

BUT with my first DH, I always felt under pressure and loved it when we split up and I was alone with the kids.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 07/06/2018 07:24

I don't understand why there is MORE housework when they're there? Surely it should be less if they're helping out equally? And surely childcare should be easier because someone else is doing half of it?

Er, because different husbands do differing levels of housework? If there’s one thing that the threads on MN show it’s that!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 07/06/2018 07:26

I think it's really interesting that "proper meals" comes up so frequently on this thread.

Is this why women tend to put on weight when they get married? This male demand for a "proper" full-on dinner every night? Without men, we'd all be eating snacks for tea.

SoyDora · 07/06/2018 07:29

Maybe I am the lucky minority, I don’t know! I certainly appreciate the housework and childcare he does when I read many threads on here.

Mumthedogsbeensick · 07/06/2018 07:30

One thing I notice when my husband is away - the toilet roll lasts longer!

Whattodowithaminute · 07/06/2018 07:32

It’s just different here. I eat with the kids whilst he’s away so once they are in bed I just do a quick clear up and some TV before bed. We would always eat together when he’s home about 8 and I really enjoy having someone to chat to. Getting a shower in the mornings is harder when he’s away.
But the kids struggle without him here (even though he normally would only see them for half an hour a day in the week) middle son has been up in the night nearly every night in the last week and oldest wet the bed which he hasn’t done for over a year... toddler blissfully unaware either way! Generally I’d prefer to have him here

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