He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

Remember, you are married; so even if you are on a break, if he is seeing an OW, he is committing Adultery... you don't get to take a break in a marriage...

There is no such thing as a break, it's just a meaningless term that serves his purpose right now and keeps you quiet.

You are married - so either you are together properly or in the process of separating. If he sees someone else whilst not letting you know that he wants to end the marriage for good then he is cheating, and you can bloody well put his infidelity on the divorce petition.

Cross post!

What an absolute knob. Tell him no, under no circumstances will you express for your newborn. If your supply is already beginning to suffer, expressing and missing feeds can screw it right up. You are 100% NBU to refuse until baby is older.

Yup it’s the cowards way of dealing with things. Mine wanted a break to go on holiday with colleague from
Work he’d been shagging. Seems
To make them feel they’re not actually cheating.

Sorry OP. It’s a horrible time for you. Agree with ppl you should take back control.

they get it screamed at them how it wasn't cheating as "We were on a break!"

... in my case "We weren't getting along". We weren't getting along because he was out all the time and sour as hell when he was at home.

Hi there, dh sounds a charmer trying to turn it around on you !!!

Do you know he was talking to his cousin or was it the ow he was talking to ?!?!

Wallywobbles has given good advice re bank account along with Juells who suggest bagging up all his shit and leaving outside for collection. Get your house keys back from him pronto so he can’t come & go as he pleases.

I would NOT ponder to his texts get a new email address & text to advise him any communications will come through that email address as of now. You decide when you want to look at this emails and reply - ( I did this when my exh left to be with another woman) I used to check the emails every 2/3 days & reply when I thought appropriate.

Don’t think you have to meet every whim that he asks of you. He has fucked you and the children off - let him know this.

Eight years on from when my exh who I had been with 21yrs did this to me I have a mortgaged house, two young adults who have no contact with there dad and am happier than ever.

Wishing you all the best

About the locks,you can't change them but when you are in keep them locked and leave the key in or bolts on so that he cannot just wander in when you are there.
I goty self a list book from paperchase with memo stickers etc as I needed them to keep the real world in place while organising a new one as it can be overwhelming.
As others have said don't answer texts go down the email route,keep things short and factual.
Get an arrangement about him seeing the children,don't let is be a wishy washy as and when he wants.He will only have the baby for short periods between feeds.Dont exhaust yourself expressing yet ,maybe down the line when you child is a bit older and milk supply has settled but only if you're comfortable.If he moans about this just gently remind him that this is his choice.
And look after yourself,you sound calm but it is an emotional rollercoaster and keeping it in check Infront of children can make it exhausting.
When you feel completely overwrought theraputic stuffing of his belongings into black bags may help,put the in the garage if you have one.
Definitely separate bank account,move child benefit,move money from joint account leaving enough for mortgage,bills etc.
Find a solicitor,it may take a week or two to get an appointment,go for a free consultation to see if you feel comfortable.
Reduce council tax as only one adult there.
Check out childcare,childminder may be cheaper than nursery and a good one near you will be worth it.Do it now as there are waiting lists for good ones.
Take any help offered,see your GP if you need to.
Keep posting,so many of us have been there and if we have no advice can empathize.

He's following a classic script just like all spoonies. Re-writing history, she was controlling, we decided on a break of 6 months, next it will be 'while on break, I met X. OP tried to make out like she's the victim, but it just happened.'

STOP his BS NOW.

No more replying to his texts, TELL everyone, you need support, he's getting it from the OW, no more covering for him or lying to your old child, no more leaving the door open for him to walk in and fuck with his older child's emotions whenever he pleases or expressing so he can take the baby.

Time to focus on you and your family.

Start calling solicitors today.

Tell his dad now.

He has left you and his two children.

He's a cunt. You are the victim. He doesn't get to decide this.

Absolutely agree that you don't get to take a (one-sided) "break" from marriage vows!!!

He has opted out of your marriage and therefore you are separated and you can make that "legally separated" if you wish.

I think it would be great to call his bluff and make him realise you are not waiting around until he decides if his "break" is permanent or not.

These selfish, callous men that think they can park their marriage!!

Also move 50% of money into your own account before he realises that you are not taking this passively.

He’s got another woman and he’s a bad man.

Its the "Script" - especially blaming you for being "controlling".

Get those documents - and store stuff out of the house as much as possible. (Mother/brother?)
Make sure you have money, ideally move money out of joint accounts into your account - and make sure there is only enough in joint account to cover direct debits/mortgage etc. But be aware he may stop his payments anytime.
Tell your eldest DC the truth is an age appropriate way, DONOT promise him he'll see Daddy this weekend. It might not happen. And your Ex has to take the DC out, and not cross the threshold - as it is "too confusing" for the children.
You probably can't change the locks, but can add a bolt, chain etc. as "extra security" now you are alone with DC.
You can start packing up his stuff, black bags in the garage will do.
Start getting legal advice.
And yes do tell everyone.

Isn’t it tedious how predictable they all are

They probably all think it’s just them, poor hard done by little boys, not getting all the attention any more, and the OW really gets them. Well listen up boys, you’re not special you’re pathetic

Sorry OP. My exH did this too and I was an accommodating fool- letting him have his “time to sort his head” for almost a year. Fair enough I did act as a single woman during that time as we were separated- but I was also allowing in my mind that he would come back and we could try to work on our marriage. Until I learned that actually he moved in with the OW (who was funnily enough a work colleague!) just 4 months after leaving me. I found this out 11 months after we separated- so 7 months after they’d moved in when I thought he was living with mates.
Get to a lawyer and start official separation stuff like finances and children etc.
Sorry 💐 but you WILL survive this and it’s HIS loss.

@Isadora2007 oh no, it seems that so many OH think it's ok to put their family lives on hold while they figure out what they want! I'm sorry to hear you also went through it!
How did your DC react to it all?

@Costacoffeeplease yes it's all very pathetic how the think we are going to be patiently waiting for them!! Argh!!

@Bekabeech luckily most of his clothes are still packed, so I don't even need to pack them, as we moved in to a new house a couple of the days before the baby was born. Maybe that's why he never unpacked?! How didn't I think about it before now?!!

@Movablefeast very wise words, thank you! I'm laughing at "park your marriage" but it's so true!! They are no breaks from marriage vows. Until "I want to take a break" do us apart! LOL!!

@whatishappiness
My kids were 4 and 7 at the time and coped fine. He was a pretty shit dad which helped as they didn’t ever have much to miss really. As they got older they got more of the truth if events- which he denies to this day. But they’re late teens now and don’t have much time for him. You reap what you sow and for him this disengagement was what he ultimately both wanted and got. I doubt he is happy but he is damaged goods, and I’m glad he hasn’t had a bigger influence over our kids. I’m married to a wonderful man and have been for a long time now and we have more children. So exH leaving was the best thing for me really. It made me believe I was the strong woman that others saw I was. I was worth more than that and so were (are!) our kids. 💕

Feeling for you OP.
Are you sure he’s at his cousins?
Remember your contact/messages now may be evidence for later. So showing how reasonable and responsible you’ve been may be useful e.g. considering your baby’s need to breast feed, asking for a schedule of when he will see DC to give them some security, being clear it was his decision to leave to address long-term ‘confusIon’ rather than seek help/counselling. Evidence of sensible stuff basically and shows your level of responsible parenting vs his.

@expatinscotland I couldn't put it in better words myself! He suddenly remembered of silly things that I've said or done ten years ago. Nothing major though, but it's his way of proving that I'm "controlling"!

@Onlyoldontheoutside I've started keeping track of everything as soon as he mentioned that he wanted a break, back in December. I couldn't understand his behaviour so started logging everything to try and figure out how to make it better.
I am trying to keep calm, but I'm an emotional wreck. I spoke to my mum earlier but had to put the phone down as she kept telling me that he is coming back soon, blah blah blah. She couldn't understand why I don't want him back!!

@letsdolunch321 Oh no! I can't believe how many of us go through this. I am sorry to hear it also happened to you but glad to hear you are better now!
I'm worried about paying the mortgage and bills on my own. I can't afford them on maternity leave!

@Cuttingthegrass how charming! What happened? Did he go on holiday with OW? How did you find out?