He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

@sussexmedley. I so agree

Oh, if she's not interested, he'll definitely be back, saying how he's made a terrible mistake, and if you refuse to let him come back, he'll then turn it all around so it's your fault.

Don't have him back, and ignore, ignore, ignore. If he's done it once, it'll be easier for him to do it again, and you'll never be able to trust him.

Oh, if she's not interested, he'll definitely be back, saying how he's made a terrible mistake, and if you refuse to let him come back, he'll then turn it all around so it's your fault.

The worst thing of all is that he will sincerely believe this, too. He won't actually be trying to manipulate you in that sense. He will honestly and sincerely see himself as a tortured hero.

Let him know you see right through him and he's not the protagonist, you are. It's your story too, your voice and your god damned autonomy.

I really feel for you but it sounds like you've got this under control now.

My shithead exh did similar to me. Our dd was just a few months old and he "took a break" and went to stay at his dsis about an hour away. After about 10 months away he moved back into our house (into the spare room) as his dsis was moving to another part of the country. Little did I know that he'd had an OW (someone he worked with) the whole time. I only found out one day by going through his work bag on a weekend when he was out. She'd written him a letter given him an ultimatum and said she'd been waiting for him for 18 months to make a decision. So I filed for divorce. He's still with her 15 years later and they have 2 kids (she was pregnant before our divorce was final) but he's never married her. I've stayed permanently single since, I'm never giving another man the chance to hurt me again like that. I'm ok though, I am independent and my daughter is amazing. He's still a shithead to me (likes to wind me up) but he has at least been a good df to our dd.

So yeah, you can do this. It'll not be easy but in the end it's for the best. Good luck.

Good morning lovely MN!

It's a new day and I woke up listening to

Spoke to cousin last night and DH is staying there, as he needs time and space to think. Cousin gave me his address so now I can send the legal separation to him!

I texted my eldest DC's godmother (which is DH's niece) to say that "even though DH left us, I hope it doesn't affect your relationship with DC. Feel free to contact me now that DH moved out of our family home."

Morning Happiness. I'm glad to hear you're taking control.

I just can't get over him bragging to you that so many people are attracted to him. What an utter selfish bellend. That is beyond crass. He has been so vile to you for so long. He has really tried to bury your self esteem under the patio.

I used to sing 'I get knocked down but I get up again...'

Thanks to all the tips and advices from here, I'm actually starting to feel empowered and see a light at the end of the tunnel.
DH finally admitted to cousin that he is falling for female friend, to me he always said they were just "best friends". Surprise surprise, DH said to cousin that he doesn't want to be with female friend if we are not together anymore. Cousin said DH is going through a midlife crisis.
I've been listening to this song too and I might have posted it on FB!

I've been here and as many other people have said, don't lie to your DC, always be the parent they can rely on to tell the truth and be there for them unconditionally. As for telling other people, this is another way he is controlling the narrative. You should not feel ashamed to tell people, just keep it factual and let them know. As for his father, send him a very factual email telling him that DH has left and that is no longer at the home number. You need support from people and not people gossiping about you, so you set the narrative. Good luck OP.

You rock OP!

Hi OP, another poster who has been there too. Unfortunately I was like a pp who tried & was lied to for over 3 years. It nearly sent me insane.

Thank goodness for MN, which helped me find my way out.

My ex told me it was all over between him and OW and he was just leaving because of my unreasonable behaviour. He saw a solicitor to start the divorce process on those grounds and had the rare grace to admit that he fulfilled all the criteria for unreasonable behaviour and I did none.

I predicted to one of my (adult) children that within a few months he'd claim he'd bumped into OW at a supermarket and as we were no longer together they'd restarted their relationship.

It happened. Sainsbury's actually. Pathetic prick. They're not still together, because, you know, his unreasonable behaviour.

I'm so happy to see you're taking control. I did eventually and he was stunned that I divorced him. He actually thought that after moving out, seeing OW again, let alone his previous behaviour, that I would take him back. Delusional, entitled fool.

I had a thread at the time with empowering music and lots of people posted theirs. It was great! I wasn't me then, I name change a lot but another thread would be a good idea.

I listened to this repeatedly. My ex is a violent, controlling cheat, but hey, I fought to "keep" him. Yes, I've since had lots of therapy.

Glad to read you are feeling empowered. And at least you have clarity on your husband and his feelings for this friend. You know where you stand. As hard as it is emotionally, knowledge is power and you can continue to focus your energy on getting everything in place for you and your kids. You are doing great OP. Lots of people here rooting for you.

Oh lololol at not wanting to be with OW if you are not together anymore - that just about sums it up doesnt it! Thinks he is such a catch that you will take him back whatever, and he can have a 'little break' to taste the candy.
He seriously underestimated his desirability and, guess what, you did the unthinkable and decided that second place was no place at all.
He has blown it big time

Surprise surprise, DH said to cousin that he doesn't want to be with female friend if we are not together anymore.

He doesn't want to be with the OW, if you're not together any more?

What, he does want to be with her if you are together? Either you/cousin meant to say he does want to be with her now you've split up, or he's saying he wants his cake and eat it too, and have an affair whilst still being a couple with you.

Anyway, you're doing really well, and have had excellent advice. How are your plans coming along? Have you got some solicitor appointments yet, and found the financial details you need? Don't forget to ring up to get your benefits and council tax reduction applications started, as they often take a few weeks to come through.

He continues to re-write history, doesn't he? He's already fallen for the OW, already shagging her. What he thought is that he is such a stud he could ditch his family to see if the grass was greener and you would all just sit by the sidelines, doing the pick me dance until His Highness decided where he'd deign to rest his royal arse. But aw, diddums, he didn't get what he wanted! He's that stuck up.

Midlife crisis, my arse!

Seen a solicitor yet? Get on that, because again, I have a feeling most will advice divorce with clean break.

Omg what a dickhead!

I feel for you, OP :( No matter what one suspects, hearing the truth from someone else is like a kick in the stomach. Up until then it's possible to think it's not really happening, it might all be in your head, it might all come right. Then someone tells you the truth.

He's an idiot. OP, you are best rid off because how can you trust him anymore?

I asked his cousin "did he tell you about the female friend from work?"
His cousin said "he told me that he has fallen for her" and then cousin asked him "if you and Happiness are not together anymore, do you want to be with female friend?"
He said "no I don't want to be with her".
Now it is starting to make sense why he kept listening to Attention

It seems that he just wanted to feel desired and her attention, blah blah blah. Or maybe she's the want that just wanted his attention but didn't want his heart? Whatever it is, it's an emotional affair!

He said to cousin that nothing sexually happened between them, even though they had the opportunity and he wondered what life would be like with her. He actually told me the same before and I believe him.

I'm not hiding anymore, it's been a productive morning so far. I've texted DH sister this morning (same text that I sent to eldest's godmother), she called me back straight away and was shocked. DH hasn't told her that he left. She's coming round to see me and DC tomorrow. She couldn't believe her own brother could be such a p**ck!

I also had a chat with the deputy head at eldest school as, although DC hasn't asked about DH, DC's behaviour has changed and I don't want it to affect academic progress. I will tell DC the truth when I'm asked about DH whereabouts.

I also told a mum from school (her husband is DH's cousin). She was shocked and said would call her husband ASAP!

He said to cousin that nothing sexually happened between them, even though they had the opportunity and he wondered what life would be like with her. He actually told me the same before and I believe him.

My MiL phoned me after ex and I split, and assured me that 'absolutely nothing happened' between OW and ex before we split, ex had promised her that. Unfortunately, he'd already admitted all some to me, he just didn't want other people to know what a prick he was.

Don't trust what he's telling other people. He's trying to make himself into the tortured soul, who's still honourable. Well, he's not honourable, he's a prick.

I also told a mum from school (her husband is DH's cousin). She was shocked and said would call her husband ASAP! 🤣

That's the way to do it! Get it all out in the open so he can't pretend it's all your doing.

He said to cousin that nothing sexually happened between them, even though they had the opportunity

Well of course he did. To say anything else would make him the bad guy. They never want to be the bad guy.

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you but honestly I'm in awe of your bravery! WELL DONE on making this news public immediately and burning those bridges (even though he obviously wanted to keep his shady behaviour a secret for a lot longer). Good for you for not "falling into line" and letting him mistreat you any longer as you being straight up about what's happened has a achieved two things straight away;

1. you have a support system in place

2. he looks like the flaky, selfish, cheating idiot that he truly is.

I wish I'd had your courage when I split with my ex: although I technically left him and there was no one else involved initially, he was emotionally abusive to me. He begged me for over TWO YEARS not to tell anyone until he was over it and ready. I had constant temper tantrums and guilt trips from him and he still coerced me to go along to family parties and friends weddings, etc, as a couple. It was awful and I was too weak to say no. (He would threaten me a lot with other things regarding the kids). I should never have gone along with it though because 3 years later he's swanning around with a new bird looking like the innocent party somehow! I have a new partner too and yet somehow, I've lost the bulk of the friendship group. I had no support in all that time and had to deal with everything on my own. 2 years was obviously plenty of time to plant lies and slowly phase me out over time I guess. Who knows what bullshit he says about me? I no longer care and I'm happy enough. But boy I wish I'd done exactly as you've done, right at the beginning...

Anyway, back to you: you are spot on to give him a great big dose of reality as it sounds like his little fantasy affair isn't quite worth it now he realises a) what he's lost and b) everyone now thinks he's a dick.

How fucking dare he treat you this way during your pregnancy and after birth when you were at your most vulnerable and what a selfish bastard to expect you just put up with his cheating while he decides what to do. If he decided to come back to you, he would have been full of "we were on a break" excuses that you'd be expected to accept. And if he decided to skip off into the sunset with this new bird, he'd probably expect you to swallow it and be happy for him. It's all.about.him. Isn't it? You are a mere prop in the show that is his life. He should be concentrating on his new baby not fucking around. He just wants you to eat shit and smile.

I hope you go the whole hog and file for divorce ASAP OP. You are worth so much more than this selfish loser. I admire your strength (and hey, if you get the work colleagues name, maybe petition her in the divorce as well)!

I think you've got this...xxx

'He said to cousin that nothing sexually happened between them, even though they had the opportunity and he wondered what life would be like with her. He actually told me the same before and I believe him. '

They all say that, and you know what, you can't believe him because he has already shown you the type of person he really is: someone who ditched his family with nary a backwards glance, who lied to you about this other person, a person to whom you and his own children mean so little, he lies to re-write history - declare that you were 'on a break' (you can take a break from being a parent? Wow, how come he can declare that you are involved in this break from marriage but not from the kids?), tells others you are controlling, bragged to you about how attractive he is to other women.

Nope, you can't believe him. He'll try to make it into 'just an emotional affair' in order to wheedle his way back into your bed because his whole break song and dance didn't work so he needs to try a new tack now, to keep you in the fire so he can bail back since it hasn't worked out with OW.

He's a liar, OP. He lied to you about why he left. So you cannot for a minute believe 'nothing happened'.

It happened.
Sure as eggs is eggs.

@WhatIsHappiness you are absolutely slaying this lovely. I cannot believe how composed and in control you've been.

So glad you've taken charge and started telling people. It stops him dictating the narrative AND it will help to get it through his thick skull that things can't 'just go back to how they were' when he's walked out on you.