FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

I'd go to the play because everyone else manages at appointments.
They can go on their own or ask another adult to help them.
But you e definitely done your fair share of the load.

Gosh, Cary, your response is depressing.

We as parents don’t get to decide what is important to our kids. Seemingly tiny things can be of earth-shattering importance to them. If we don’t respect and value the things that are important to them as they grow up then they won’t tell us about the big things when they’re older.

@HaHaHmm

What rubbish. If an 11 year old thinks her school play is more important than her grandad's medical appointment, she hasn't been brought up properly. I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong to make her so entitled.

I can see why you’re conflicted OP, but my vote is for the play too. Most of us don’t have the luxury of having a GP in the family to translate for us, but we manage to struggle through. You’re only missing one appointment with the ILS.

What does everyone else do; those of us who don't have medical family members to take to appointments?

We listen and ask questions until we understand.

You can't miss your daughters play.

Jazzy, we'll have to agree to disagree on that.

It’s academic, anyway. OP has said nothing at all to imply that her DD is ‘entitled’ or demanding. OP wants to go to the play. In her position, I would want to go to the play. My own parents and PILs would insist that I went to the play in the same situation. There are other competent adults in the family who can support on this occasion.

Definitely go to the play. The grandparents can ask a friend, another relation or just make notes/record the appointment. Or you can maybe phone the consultant afterwards.

The vast majority of people do not have a GP to take to their medical appointments. I wonder if your MiL has got to used to you being there that it is hard for her to imagine how to be in appointment without her personal GP by her side. But she can do it. Just like everyone else does. It might be that something you started doing to be kind has turned into something that is the norm. Maybe this is the chance to put in some more boundaries? I see no reason why other adults in the family or close friends can't do to appointments instead of you.

Yes, the idea that an 11 year old child wanting her mother to come to her leavers play is being entitled is entirely removed from reality.

you can ask the teacher for a quiet classroom or cupboard to take the call in. it's totally do able.........you can dial in on video phone. Be there for your daughter...

Don't school plays go on 3 nights? I rmember so many performances

What rubbish. If an 11 year old thinks her school play is more important than her grandad's medical appointment, she hasn't been brought up properly. I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong to make her so entitled.

Have you ever met an 11 year old before? They're not exactly known for their rational thinking.

Dd is 11- an age where she can understand that sometimes you make sacrifices for those you love"

Surely this could equally be applied to the grandparents who are far older than 11!
Go to the play.

jazzy I hope to God you're not a parent. There's nothing silly about a child's final big moment at primary school. These things mean the world to kids and, as a teacher, I have seen so many kids who are upset that they haven't been supported in their big moment by the people they want there.

Those saying the medical appointment is more important, I might agree if it wasn't the fact the FIL had someone else to go with and there are other dependants that could go with him.

People manage in medical appointments every hour of every day without a gp with them in appointments.

The entitled ones are the PIL. They sound extremely demanding. If they don't see that your attendance at probably her last school performance is more important than yet another medical appointment that hundreds of thousands of elderly people manage to attend without a personal GP on hand to translate, I'd be wondering what sort of grandparents they really were.

Mind you I would have been delighted to have a bono fide reason to miss DSs school play. 2 hrs long and 7 different casts to watch DS as a sea creature waving a cut out sea horse and looking deeply uncomfortable for about 15 seconds.

I really wish they’d get rid of the performance for all mentality for the junior school leavers play as its simply not fair on those DCs with zero interest and indeed active dislike of being on stage.

< Sorry pretty off topic>

@Tabathatwitchett

They mean the world at the time, but will be very quickly forgotten. The appointment on the other hand may have long-lasting consequences.

I can safely say that my dd hasn’t forgotten her leavers play (especially poignant as she was going to a different school than all her friends). I still have the programme.

Clearly school plays differ in importance at different schools.

At dd's school, it's very important. They don't do SATS (private school so focus is on entrance exams in January), so they've spent a huge amount of the last 2 terms working on this play.

The 'Year 6' play is quite an institution at this school, and it's their last big event before leaving.

It's not at all entitled for an 11 year old to want their parents to watch them perform.

Even if the play was;t such a big event at your school, it still is a big event for a child, so absolutely you should be there.
It is not an entitlement, it is a special moment.

Got to the play OP. The PILs can decide to move the appointment or take someone else or go by themselves armed with questions. Have a good time!

Ring the hospital. Explain the situation, possibly pull some doctory strings and they may be able to move the appointment to be first in the queue.

Go to the play. Have a catch up with MIL & FIL after their appointment if they have any questions.

@Theworldisfullofgs

A hospital is not going to move an appointment to accomodate a silly year 6 'play'

Hospitals can be flexible for all sorts of reasons. I speak from experience and they'd rather that people were supported and/or turned up.
It is possible to shift times.

Having an expectation as a child that your parents will be there to support and encourage you in your major endeavors is not entitled. If the OP's dd expects such a thing it will because it is the norm.
My dc's play, only yr 5, was a major event in their lives with months of practice and conversation around it. Yes not every parent could make it but those you had absent parents were sad about this. Yes of course they still enjoyed the play but they did mention it.
Understandably PIL are highly stressed but this isn't going to be OP's only chance to attend an appointment with them. In her shoes I would be taken aback that PIL expected her to miss dd's play.