Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

361 replies

dildial · 05/06/2018 23:22

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

OP posts:
Turquoise123 · 07/06/2018 17:35

I think it's really interesting that everyone has said go to the play but no one ( apologies if I have missed this) has ask how serious the illness is .

If he is seriously ill I really think that changes things.

diddl · 07/06/2018 17:40

"If he is seriously ill I really think that changes things"

He has his wife going with him & he has a son & daughter who could also go.

I don't think it changes things in terms of Op needing to be there.

Icanttakemuchmore · 07/06/2018 17:43

Ri h the specialists secretary to see if the time can be changed with someone else that day? If not, give a list of questions to your mil and ask her to record the consultation.

ferrier · 07/06/2018 17:45

Most families don't have access to their own GP to help them understand things. Someone else in the family can help FIL/MIL on this occasion.

Strongmummy · 07/06/2018 17:45

The play, absolutely. They can deal with the doctor by themselves (they’d be doing so if you weren’t a GP) and if they are worried ask to record the conversation so you can “translate” later.

Fwaltz · 07/06/2018 18:04

I don’t suppose one of your colleagues (or a friend who is also be a doctor) would consider going along with them in your place?
I see where everyone is coming from saying that you should go to the play - and I think you should too - but I know in my family I would never be forgiven if I didn’t go to the hospital. My mother is a bit of a passive aggressive manipulator though, so if your MIL is not one to hold a grudge, defo go to the play.

CristalTipps · 07/06/2018 18:04

I think it's really interesting that everyone has said go to the play but no one ( apologies if I have missed this) has ask how serious the illness is.

Even if it is a very serious illness they already have the advantage of having a GP in the family, and one who has helped them so far, and presumably will continue to do that. Consultants don't speak Martian, it's in their own interests to help patients understand what is happening. It sounds like they are leaning on their DIL for security and comfort as much as anything else, which is understandable. It's also understandable that she wants to see her daughter's play.

catslife · 07/06/2018 18:05

Go to the play - you can explain anything that they don't understand later over the phone if needed.

FairyFlake45 · 07/06/2018 18:07

End of year 6!, Go to your daughters play definitely...you’ll remember that forever and will always regret it if you don’t go. As her grandparents, they must surely understand that.

SherbrookeFosterer · 07/06/2018 18:10

TBH all you need to do is sit with them and read through the consultant's notes after an appointment.

What you have done so far is way beyond the call of duty.

So I would go to my DC's play.

PeachyPeachTrees · 07/06/2018 18:18

Definitely go to the play.

MizCracker · 07/06/2018 18:19

Your PILs don't NEED you to attend the appointment. They would prefer you to attend, but they don't need you to attend.

I also think you might need to start saying "no" because, should this illness become serious/long term, you'll have to give up your free time to handhold endlessly.

Go to the play. You can support them afterwards when they relay the details to you.

Threepe · 07/06/2018 18:23

Go to the play not everyone has a doctor in the family to go to all hospital appoints ,doctors will explain in plain English for your mil and fil , you could ring before hand and ask if there would be a specialist nurse that could meet them and she could then answer any questions they have , I think you have done your fair share of appoints , don't feel bad go enjoy the play

fruitbrewhaha · 07/06/2018 18:25

I think what you have already been doing is above what would be expected.

The majority of people have to visit hospital and consultants without a medic as an advocate. Consultant are used to talking to patients who have no prior knowledge of their condition and explaining the treatment. They are also used to follow up questions.

Go to the play.

londoneast · 07/06/2018 18:38

Considering men dont really care for school plays get your dh to go the hospital and you go to the school play

MyOtherProfile · 07/06/2018 18:41

Considering men dont really care for school plays

Is this a joke that I missed? Because surely not even on MN could it be a serious opinion.

BensonBunny · 07/06/2018 18:41

Have you spoke to anyone in the specialist service? All three of the consultants I work with would be happy to call the medical relative of a patient they had seen to discuss results /plan etc. If you can set this up for later in the day you can talk to your in-laws first as well which would probably be helpful. I’d call the secretary or specialist nurses and see what they say.

TaggieRR · 07/06/2018 18:48

I would do the play. An 11 year old wanting her parents to attend is not entitled!

Nousernamefound · 07/06/2018 18:53

Would they be able to record the appointment on a phone/dictaphone and then you can explain anything they don’t understand? I’d prioritise my child on this occasion.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 07/06/2018 18:53

Another vote for the play here. You’ve been there so many times for your in-laws, now it’s time to be there for your daughter.

I’d try to change the medical appointment - last minute cancellations do occasionally happen, it’s worth trying. If it’s impossible, there are ways suggested by other posters of helping your in-laws out without being physically present at the appointment.

If you don’t go to the play you’ll always regret it, your daughter will be unhappy, and you may even end up resenting your in-laws for that. It’s not worth it.

londoneast · 07/06/2018 18:53

*marjorie25

Italiangreyhound
That's your opinion and this is mine which I will stick with.
No wonder if all this children cannot cope, because they are being raised wrapped up in cotton wool.
I have never seen so many depressed and unhappy people and a lot of these children are like that and will become like that.
Because mummy and daddy have to be there to constantly hold their hands. Children are a lot stronger than we as parents give them the benefit for.
The beauty of life is that it is a circle and what you teach and show children when they are young, comes right back to bite us in the ass when they are older and we need them*

I actually do agree with this though.
If your dh cant go with them you should go.
Theres way to many soft people in this world and i generally believe they are made that way from their parents babying them as kids.

TheresaMay · 07/06/2018 18:56

Actually I had the exact same sort of dilemma this week.

Dh and I had arranged that he would take me to the hospital for my 2 appointments, one to see the anaesthetist and one to see the gynaecologist to discuss my hysterectomy. To put it into context, I’m on morphine for the pain, have ME/CFS, disabled but can walk short distances, pretty unwell and my health is deteriorating because my uterus is poisoning me. The last 2 times I went to the hospital alone I ended up being very unwell and being looked after by nurses until I was well enough to drive home / wheel-chaired to my car etc.

Except that I remembered dd had a half hour dance practice class for an exam she’s taking in a couple of weeks. Dd had already missed a couple of classes so needed to go. The deal was dh would pick me up if I fell ill again and we’d get my car home another way. I went alone and was ok. Not great but managed not to collapse.

Dd came first. That’s not martyring myself. She knows I may be having my operation or be in hospital for her birthday or exams. This time I have to come first. Give and take.

JessieMcJessie · 07/06/2018 19:01

You said your husband can’t take time off at short notice because of the profession he’s in, but haven’t you had quite a lot of notice of both play and appointment?

JassyRadlett · 07/06/2018 19:06

Considering men dont really care for school plays get your dh to go the hospital and you go to the school play

  1. It’s often instructive to read all the OP’s posts, if not the full thread, so that you don’t make irrelevant suggestions.
  1. Please return that ridiculous, fucked-up stereotype to the nineteenth century and leave it there.
Kazarooney · 07/06/2018 19:08

Go to the play definitely that cannot expect you at every appointment they are lucky to have you help and advice but for one appointment they can surely manage without a gp accompanying as most people do

Swipe left for the next trending thread