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Original poster

FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

361 replies

dildial · 05/06/2018 23:22

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 06/06/2018 16:09

You send their son with them on this occasion. Then everyone is being looked after by the right person. You will be available afterwards for further support.

Eliza9917 · 06/06/2018 16:11

Why do they think the consultants they see won't be able to explain things so they can understand?

PrimalLass · 06/06/2018 16:18

Go to the play. I would have hated to miss the leavers one.

MustShowDH · 06/06/2018 16:55

If its that much stress for MIL to go to appointment that she needs someone with her, then why is she going at all?

FIL would be much better taking someone else.

kingjofferyworksintescos · 06/06/2018 16:58

You sound lovely OP, and kind and supportive of all your family , I can understand it's a difficult at the moment trying to juggle everything and be everywhere at once supporting everyone as you are trying to .

I personally would go to the medical consultation, as you say your FIL was going to the play but now really isn't up to it just supports my thought that his condition is pretty serious and it's him and your MIL that need help the most. I fully understand you have been to endless appointments already but this one is the consultant and has taken a long wait to get to it , your daughter will understand especially as her father is seeing the second showing , it's not like she will not have her family supporting her .

Could you talk to a colleague and swap a shift ? Of part of the shift and you see the later play ? Can you see the dress rehearsal instead .

For what it's worth my parents were full time professionals and rarely were able to take time to watch me doing school stuff and I've survived just fine , however my DGF was terminally ill for a year leading to his death when I was almost 9 and I was very aware that my DM needed to take him and my DGM to many appointments - I was much more concerned about my DGP's than loosing a bit of time with mum

Carycach100 · 06/06/2018 17:10

Your DD is 11 nota baby if you explain it to her and you have brought her up right, she will be able to put her grandparents health before you seeing her in a dumb primary play that someone could record anyway.

crumpet · 06/06/2018 17:15

Where is your dh in all of this? Can he go with his parents?

StaplesCorner · 06/06/2018 17:29

Cary - nice that you refer to it as a "dumb" primary play. I think that tells us all we can safely disregard your contribution.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/06/2018 17:37

Your DD is 11 nota baby if you explain it to her and you have brought her up right, she will be able to put her grandparents health before you seeing her in a dumb primary play that someone could record anyway.

Are you being deliberately goady there. I can't tell.

diddl · 06/06/2018 17:44

"Your DD is 11 nota baby "

Neither are the Op's ILs.

It's also not essential for ILs health that Op is at the appointment with them.

KERALA1 · 06/06/2018 17:48

The PIL are adults
OP has done lots for them already
Why can't any of their actual children step up Hmm ??

No brainer OP. You are the sandwich generation personified...

rookiemere · 06/06/2018 17:52

Honestly people seem to relish being mean sometimes. IMHO it is :

  • Not demanding of your DD to want her DM to see her in the school play. It is also not unreasonable that you should want to see it
but also

-It's not especially unreasonable for ILs to be grateful for your support and use it when it is available for medical support.

Your decision to go to the play and see if SIL can go along instead is a good one. If the ILs reaction is disproportionate then - having cut them some slack for this being an anxious time - it might be time to re-evaluate the level of support you're currently providing.

diddl · 06/06/2018 17:56

"it might be time to re-evaluate the level of support you're currently providing."

Yes-hopefully they are grateful for what Op has done & presumably will do-not create about the time she can't be there.

Iluvthe80s · 06/06/2018 18:02

Go to the play. Your mil will have to step up and deal with it unless a different family member can attend In your place. Personally I think it's unfair they have burdened you with going to the appointments.

Wakemeuuuup · 06/06/2018 18:06

You should definitely go to the play. My DS is year in year and it means so much to him that we're there to see him and we really really want to see it. We still talk about my oldest's for 2 years ago

Bibesia · 06/06/2018 18:09

Your DD is 11 nota baby

She's an 11 year old taking part in her last play in primary school before leaving. If you have children who have been through primary school, you would know that for them it really is quite a big deal. I vividly remember DS's last play, not least because it was the first in which he'd been given a decent part and it gave him the confidence to blossom in acting terms from then on.

if you explain it to her and you have brought her up right, she will be able to put her grandparents health before you seeing her in a dumb primary play that someone could record anyway.

Whether OP is with her ILs or not will make precisely no difference to her FiL's health. For the reasons explained, this isn't a dumb play, and what is important to the child is that her parents should be there during the performance, not that they might see a dodgy recording of it afterwards.

itssquidstella · 06/06/2018 18:22

Go to the play.

TwitterQueen1 · 06/06/2018 18:22

"....seeing her in a dumb primary play that someone could record anyway." Wow. just wow. Angry clearly not a parent...

Carycach100 · 06/06/2018 18:31

If you have children who have been through primary school, you would know that for them it really is quite a big deal.

Had 4 through primary- They were all at small schools with only like 6 or 7 in a year group so all must have had big parts, but all i can (vaguely) remember is youngest singing a solo.

AvoidingDM · 06/06/2018 18:47

Maybe it's the difference between kids in a normal 60 kids in year and village school with just 6. Or maybe it's a pfb thing but I firmly believe Op should go to the play.

AvoidingDM · 06/06/2018 18:48

Performing in front of lots of parents and not your own is bound to be hard.

20brilliantcolours · 06/06/2018 18:51

The play.

How do they think everyone else manages at hosp appts without their own personal Dr to translate?

StaplesCorner · 06/06/2018 19:09

Cary has kids. Do you think stuff they do its dumb? Sad

JazzyBlues · 06/06/2018 19:09

Goodness me, I certainly wouldn't be prioritising a 'play' that we will be completely forgotten about in 6 months. At that age, your DD should understand that important medical appointments come before silly plays.

StaplesCorner · 06/06/2018 19:10

Blimey there's another one!!

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