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AIBU?

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Original poster

FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

361 replies

dildial · 05/06/2018 23:22

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

OP posts:
PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 06/06/2018 20:37

If the patient rings and says they can't make the appointment, the hospital will almost certainly reschedule. The problem is that it might take ages for a new appointment, not that a new appointment wouldn't be made.

Though this is a moot point, of course, since we've established there is no reason why OP needs to be present in person.

CristalTipps · 06/06/2018 20:41

Go to the play. I understand your in laws would like your expertise as a GP, but they can take notes and ask you to explain. Or simply ask the consultant to explain things? You've been to the others, I'm sure they're on the right track.

Hospitals can be flexible for all sorts of reasons. I speak from experience and they'd rather that people were supported and/or turned up.
It is possible to shift times.

But "We'd prefer a different date because we like to bring our GP DIL with us to every appointment" isn't really the best reason. I understand why they are leaning on her as a family member with medical expertise but the vast majority of people get by at medical appointments without taking a personal GP with them. She can miss one without anything catastrophic happening.

Tabathatwitchett · 06/06/2018 21:07

They mean the world at the time, but will be very quickly forgotten

Absolute nonsense

AlexanderHamilton · 06/06/2018 21:19

Children do not forget that their parents were not there for them at an important event.

KERALA1 · 06/06/2018 21:41

Ha I missed rainbow enrolment due to haphazard volunteers forgetting to tell me it was happening I literally attended everything as a sahm at the time dd is 12 now and still occasionally brings it up Grin

CristalTipps · 06/06/2018 21:55

I never forgot my Mum coming to see my primary school play - after my bit was over. She meant well but she was chaotic and always late. I hid it at the time but I remember how hurt I was that she couldn't get herself together. She missed the only speaking part I ever had. Poor me Grin

Carycach100 · 06/06/2018 22:10

to people whose children have left primary school a year or more ago.How many times have you looked since then at those videos you were falling over yourself to film?

Katz · 06/06/2018 22:17

School play wins out and I also wouldn’t promise to phone into the apt either. There’s the very real possibility that the hospital apt will be running late and if it’s only 20 mins before the play starts then then you could end up on the phone all to the apt and miss the play anyway.

Your MIL needs to put her big girl pants on and like others save said actually you not being there may do her good. I assume you work part time to facilitate family life not to be making 2 h round trips for every hosp apt in case FIL and MIL haven’t totally understood what they’ve been told.

Katz · 06/06/2018 22:20

Cary - my DD2 and I have looked at the photos (no video allowed) serveral times over the last 2 years since she did her leavers play, we’ve joked about the bits which went wrong and she shared memories of her friends who she’s no longer at school with. She has the photo I took of her and her friends at the end in a frame by her bed. The year 6 play was a huge deal to her.

My DD1 isn’t quiet as sentimental as her little sister but she still wanted someone at each of her performances so I ended up watching it twice as we had no other family who could make one of the performances.

cadburyegg · 06/06/2018 22:30

Your dd comes first. I also think you have gone above and beyond the call of duty in supporting your in laws by going to every appointment.

I also think that some posters views here are flawed. FIL goes to medical appointment. MIL goes to support him. OP goes to support MIL. Okay. But who supports the 11 year old child?

LexieLulu · 06/06/2018 22:36

I think I'd go to the appointment.

The child has got her DF going to the second show, it's not like her parents aren't watching it!

But if your MIL is really scared and wants your help, and your FIL is sick, I would help them.

Saying this, you're a GP, you must have an inkling of how sick FIL is. I would use you knowledge to know whether you think you are needed x

jelliebelly · 06/06/2018 22:37

Surely it's worth at least asking if it can be rearranged?

Nanny0gg · 06/06/2018 22:44

But there’s more than one performance?

ineedaholidaynow · 06/06/2018 23:21

OP can only make one performance as she is working on the other. Or maybe she should be expected to take the day off so she can do the appointment and watch the play.

For those saying the DD is being entitled my understanding is that OP wants to see the play, it is not all about the DD. As I stated above I would have been really disappointed if I had missed DS's Y6 play.

For those suggesting OP goes to the dress rehearsal that is not the same. I was a parent volunteer and helped on many school plays. Maybe it was just DS's school but the dress rehearsal was never a polished performance, in fact you could almost see the teachers' hair go grey, but the kids always managed to pull it out of the bag for the actual performance. Also, especially with Y6, there is a bit of a kindred spirit amongst some of the parents as you watch your children get ready to leave Primary school.

diddl · 07/06/2018 15:52

"But if your MIL is really scared and wants your help, and your FIL is sick, I would help them."

How about one of their own offspring help them?

LexieLulu · 07/06/2018 16:50

Her own offspring may not work as a doctor?

OP explained why MIL has asked her. She wants someone to help her understand the conversation with the specialist...

diddl · 07/06/2018 16:53

"She wants someone to help her understand the conversation with the specialist..."

Which obviously doesn't have to be a GP!

Fretfulparent · 07/06/2018 17:00

I would go to the play and arrange to telephone/speak to the consultant after the appointment to clarify any issues. Seeing as you are a GP I am sure the consultant would be happy to do this.

JassyRadlett · 07/06/2018 17:01

What rubbish. If an 11 year old thinks her school play is more important than her grandad's medical appointment, she hasn't been brought up properly. I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong to make her so entitled.

The 11 year old isn’t demanding that the appointment not happen, though, is she? FIL is the required person at the appointment. MIL will be there with him, and possibly SIL. OP’s presence is entirely optional. It’s very much a nice to have - and having a medical person attending any of your appointments is already an incredibly lucky circumstance. She’s already sacrificing her free time - which probably has an impact on her children - for four-hot round trips. A doctor in the family who is also willing and able to do that is incredibly rare.

The idea of medical appointments is that you should not require a second medical person to explain them to you. Having someone to provide support, remember things, ask questions is a great idea. The idea that the support person needs to be a doctor is ludicrous.

robotcartrainhat · 07/06/2018 17:04

Id totally go to the play. Its great you are helping the FIL but really they are grown adults who like anyone else should be able to deal with their own medical appointments. There will be two of them there and you could help them by providing a list of questions and going through what was said with them afterwards..... you being there is very over the top. Its a nice thing to do for them if you can... but at the expense of your own daughters play? No.

fabulous01 · 07/06/2018 17:05

Definitely play
The appointment could be cancelled at last minute and I am sure they can do a telephone consult or another family member can go

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 07/06/2018 17:06

so what’s your decision based on the advice offered on here OP?

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 07/06/2018 17:09

I’m kinda flabbergasted that you’ve all gone along with the idea that two grown adults attending a medical appointment require a third adult (who must be a doctor) in attendance, or they won’t have a clue what’s been said Confused

I think MIL has had a lot of help from you to manage her anxiety and it’d be very rude for her to expect you to continue doing it indefinitely, at the expense of your own family’s needs tbh.

At this point you’re just enabling her with her anxiety as she hasn’t had chance yet to go alone and learn that yes, she can cope, and no, she doesn’t require a personal doctor there in order to do so.

anonymousbird · 07/06/2018 17:09

100% you go to the play.

Someone else can cover the appointment if necessary. It's great that you have been so supportive so far, but TABU to expect you to miss the play.

ittakes2 · 07/06/2018 17:30

Go to your daughter’s play. Most people manage without a personal dr with them. I sometimes do specialist appointments by phone - can you call in during the appt?