AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

And with these latest responses we get to the truth of the matter. It's not that these people want the best for kids, or are just being cautious. They just refuse to accept that trans people exist and are just as legitimate in their gender as they are.

They think trans people exist because it is "trendy" or they want to be "special". They refuse to accept that people different than them are becoming more recognised in society and that this is okay.

They just want trans people to shut up, stop talking about their identities.

Also, you know, we're not new.

Rejecting gender and thinking it's a load of crap has nothing to do with denying trans people exist.

Of course trans people exist.

Nobody has said transsexual people don’t exist. However, a lot of us do not believe gender to be anything other than a social construct.

I’m agender by all accounts of what that means, so I’m under the trans umbrella myself. I believe firmly in myself therefore I must believe trans people exist

Of course trans people have always existed. Nobody has claimed they haven't.

Hey, Equivoxin - you know what's a handy word to describe the notion that people either 'identify with the gender they were assigned to at birth', or don't?

Binary. Our brains are binary, and as a result, so is our language. Everything starts with being either 'this' or 'not this' - with the criteria being incrementally narrowed until we've reached a satisfactory and useful level of description.

I wasn't 'assigned a gender at birth'. I don't have a 'gender identity'. That is not remotely like saying I don't have a 'sexuality' - but actually, yes, a bit like saying I don't have a 'race', given that 'race' is, like gender, a social construct.

Gosh, she sounds like the majority of girls I know of that age, they aren't all into girly things.
Quite a lot are still tom boys at this age, and get on better with boys than girls.
I'm not saying that she doesn't think she wants to be a boy, but that doesn't mean that she won't change her mind.
it's up to you but no way would I encourage stopping periods and binding breasts on a child, I think it's terrible and just trying to be cool for the children. Mum is down with the kids and the trend that seems to be emerging.

I feel like you're not getting what you want out of this discussion; not getting the full on, drum beating, transphobia you seem to want and thought you'd find, so are now making things up and pretending we are saying things we are not hoping to get us all foaming and hating. Well good luck with that. It just doesn't happen here, gender critical debate is not hate or transphobia as you are finding out

@Equivoxin I am also non-binary. Referring to that as "confusion and chaos" is deeply disconcerting.
And you wonder why your child is adamant in having their identity be recognised while actively doubting that identity is even legitimate.
I have no words for you.

I take it you're not familiar with ASD and the obsessive tendencies then? And you seem to have mixed up the various DC I have referred to and attributed it all to my DD....

So even though I want to ensure my DD (or whatever term she eventually wants to settle on) is making the decision based on her gender identity, not just on an obsession of what others are currently doing in her year group, (which we have been through before hence the anime/goth), is having "no words" for me in a dismissive sense, well I'll live with that.

You suggested speaking to professionals, and that is the route we are taking. The psych we have seen so far has suggested it's identity as a whole rather than just gender itself. It may mean as time goes on it does indeed settle on being GNB.

The "chaos and confusion" was in relation to another child, a F to M rather than GNB whose whole family background - mental health, chaotic family life - also play a part in this child's many issues. If the child, after professional help, is FtoM, then that's sorted, but there is a hell of a lot of issues to wade through over this child's unhappiness before you get there. The "I'm Trans, you're not" (this child saying to my DD she isn't Trans as GNB doesn't count), shows the competitive and manipulative nature of (some) teenage girls vying for attention amongst their peers (look up relational bullying).

No, in fact I'm finding out it's far worse than I imagined.

I came here to try and help a mother in need but instead I was shouted down by people who are uninterested in listening to the one trans voice in the entire thread.

I was planning to keep my account open just in case the OP did decide to take me up on my offer to message me. But I think I'll just leave.

They just want trans people to shut up, stop talking about their identities.

Watching you invent arguments, so you can argue against them is mildly irritating.

instead I was shouted down by people who are uninterested in listening to the one trans voice in the entire thread.

No, you weren't. People disagreed with you. This is not being shouted down. And had you bothered to actually read the thread, you would know you were not 'the one trans voice'.
You're inventing straw men so you can say how terrible they are.
This tactic is quite common.

@Equivoxin Also trying to put a number on how many gender identities there are is kind of silly. Again it's like trying to number the sexualities or races. Why bother?

Because that is what the kids at my DDs school do. They discuss endlessly how many gender identities they are, it's like a competition as to who is more knowledgeable. There's status in knowing these things and being these different identities.

Some of these kids will no doubt be genuine in their transition to whichever gender they identify with. For others it's just a point scoring popularity contest amongst fellow pupils.

I'm very sorry to the OP that I couldn't stick around and that this argument got as long as it did. I didn't intend for this, I had genuinely hoped that people would read my statement and listen to it, but clearly that hasn't happened. I hope you and your child both do what's best and grow closer together through your experience.

But I have to leave now. I'll be deleting my account. Sorry.

I was shouted down by people who are uninterested in listening to the one trans voice in the entire thread.

Except you aren't the "one trans voice in the entire thread".

I think this shows how utterly self absorbed you are tbh.

So you don't identify with the gender you were assigned to at birth?

I was not assigned a gender at birth.

Do you have preferred pronouns you'd prefer I use?

Not particularly bothered, though I do like the idea of your highness?

You have a gender identity, everyone does.

No they don't. I know for a fact I don't. And a-gender seems to be a pretty well accepted theory among queer theorists? A-gender literally means has no gender identity.

I don't actually think many people have a gender identity. Every person I have asked has said they don't 'feel like' a man/woman they just ARE that. So seemingly, this womanly/manly essence is rare.

That other trans poster probably wasn't the right kind of trans @StrangeLookingParasite, AKA they weren't a misogynistic goady twat.

Also

They just refuse to accept that trans people exist and are just as legitimate in their gender as they are.

Of course trans people exist? Who on earth has said they don't?

They think trans people exist because it is "trendy" or they want to be "special". Not all no. But many children coming out as trans, certainly.

That letter linked up thread from the psychiatrist is worth reading for its compassion and good sense.

I came here to try and help a mother in need but instead I was shouted down by people who are uninterested in listening to the one trans voice in the entire thread.

I think you might find that a-gender, and also non-binary people are trans too. There are many trans voices in this thread. And noone as shouted you down, just people disagree with you.

Has anybody actually bothered to answer how Transgender Trend is transphobic but Travistock isn't? No? Thought not.

Except for when doing the necessary in the toilet there are days when I don't do anything with my penis at all. I don't understand why it has suddenly become so important.

I thought we were trying to make gender differences less important?

So, to sum up

Over 90% of posters with trans children or who are themselves trans recommend getting a referral to the Tavistock so that doctors - you know, those people who have spent years in med school - can decide if and when medical intervention is appropriate

Over 90% of posters with no personal experience, but who in many cases have a gender-critical mindset, advocate a "wait-and-see" approach which appears to translate in practice into "delay as long as possible"

It's your child. Which group do you think is most reliable?

@Equivoxin I am very sorry for the experiences you have had with family etc. But you cannot possibly know that all trans identifying young people in 2018 have had exactly the same journey as you. I admire your comparison for the OP's daughter but you are wrong to think we do not share it.

@TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole that's terrible to be put on testosterone at 14!

@GibbertyFlibbert

Uh, Tavistock follows the "wait and see" route.