AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

Do not follow the advice of TransgenderTrend. They are not a group that is interested in the wellbeing of children.
Listen to medical professionals on this issue, not groups like these.

TT recommend the same treatment the Tavistock would. Which is watchful waiting, with support. So yeah.

Gender Identity Clinics are nothing to be afraid of. They do not have an agenda, they are part of the NHS and their job is to help the people that come to them understand themselves. They are staffed by medical professionals like any other. These people have studied for years to help people like your child and are the best people to talk to about these issues.

Agree with this. A gender clinic such as the Tavistock are good idea, however while on the waiting list, the NHS have an awful habit of recommending Mermaids to people for 'support' when mermaids are basically just a pressure group. Its not TT who were ordered to stay away from a child, but its TT who are claimed to be harmful to children. Its quite interesting really.

Also by transgirls in my previous post I meant transboys. Female people who have decided that they are actually male. One of whom is actually on testosterone at 14 (albeit not via a gender clinic, after being encouraged into it online and having a ridiculous parent who went along with it)

These people have studied for years to help people like your child and are the best people to talk to about these issues.

Studying for years doesn't necessarily mean they advise the right thing. I'm sure the people who supported outdated medical procedures studied for years and thought they were advising the best way to help people. While they were bashing into people's brain, forcing them to vomit out the gay and so on.

In the future we will look back on the way children are encouraged with the trans stuff in the same way. There'll be a generation of men and women chasing apologies for being allowed to buy into all of it.

Have you considered the fact that these kids became close friends because they were trans? And that the reason they came out soon after each other is because they talked about their identities together?

Again, being openly trans is in no way "trendy", we receive open abuse and we do not have equal rights in most countries. We risk abuse at school, at work, in public, from friends and family all just for being trans. It is not glamorous. If someone in this country is willing to openly talk about being trans with their parents then they know they are risking a lot.

And even if "most gender questioning kids are not" trans (which I would want to see evidence for) they should be allowed to talk to professionals about that and figure out what they want to do.

Have you considered the fact that these kids became close friends because they were trans? And that the reason they came out soon after each other is because they talked about their identities together?

Are you being serious...its hard to tell on this topic sometimes. Where on earth were all of these 'gender questioning kids' even as little as a few years back?

Being trans IS trendy in schools right now. Denying this is silly.

I'm still baffled how Transgender Trend is transphobic but the Travistock clinic isn't when they both advocate the same thing.

DD2 knows a number of transgender teenagers. Some of them she views as genuine but others she views as doing it because it's trendy. And this is the point of view of a teenage bisexual goth!

Now if they could just all stop changing their name to Aaron...

We have always been here.

The fact that more people are coming out at younger ages is because of increased knowledge and acceptance of trans people. This is literally exactly what happened with queer people.

Again, being trans is not "trendy" thinking so is ridiculous.

Equivoxin, you may be too close to this to be able to see both sides of the discussion. Be careful not to assume that your story is necessarily the same as the op’s child.

Transgender Trend seem to me to have a measured and kind approach to questioning children, not dismissive or pushy but preventing bullying. I would like to see similar calm and thorough guidelines for other childhood issues, frankly.

I'm still baffled how Transgender Trend is transphobic but the Travistock clinic isn't when they both advocate the same thing.

Indeed.

Again, being trans is not "trendy" thinking so is ridiculous.

Same as bi was not a trend 20 years back. Same as emo wasn't a few years back. Same as punk wasn't? And so on?

I don't think tits so much a trend among adults. But it is with school children currently. I mean, switch lesbophobic bullying* and people taking the piss about masculine dress sense...for 'oh you are so brave' and instant attention? Fuck yeah

*Obviously not all kids saying they are trans are lesbian, but a lot of them are.

Equivoxin you are every so deeply in denial. So it denial of reality, it is scary.

I'd rather you not attempt to gaslight me. And perhaps listen to trans people when they talk about their own views and experiences rather than dismissing them out of hand.

And perhaps listen to trans people when they talk about their own views and experiences rather than dismissing them out of hand.

We do listen to them. In fact we have several well respected regular trans posters here.

So to the OP, I hope these hostile responses to a trans person calmly explaining their point of view has shown you that commenters on MumsNet probably aren't the best people to ask for advice about your gender questioning child.

I hope these hostile responses to a trans person calmly explaining their point of view has shown you that commenters on MumsNet probably aren't the best people to ask for advice about your gender questioning child.

Perhaps stop acting like a twat then?

Other trans posters here manage to not behave like twats and in return they get nothing but respect, kindness and understanding from us.

This is another article/exchange of letters which the OP might find helpful.

4thwavenow.com/2018/05/10/the-project-of-a-lifetime-a-therapists-letter-to-a-trans-identified-teen/

I hope the OP is more willing to listen to the views of those who disagree than many of these commenters are. Again, OP, if you would like to talk, even if you disagree with me, please feel free to message me.

You've not had any hostile responses. You've had your statements challenged. The same as every other thread on this forum. I know that a certain type of trans person sees this as one and the same and thinks only unquestioning, starry eyed, excitable enthusiasm will do so I understand why you're being all hurty and trying to rewrite what's been said. Anyone with an ounce of common sense can read your posts and the responses to it and know that this is just a fairly low level sensible debate.

OP I hope you are able to take some of the good advice on here, and that it helps what must be a very difficult situation
I have to correct some inaccuracies mentioned earlier
equivoxin Rapid onset gender dysphoria is a real thing. It was actually discussed at a recent Royal College of Psychiatry conference. They also referenced transgender trend as a useful resource for parents

In response to previous posters puberty blockers are not fully reversible - they are known to cause on average loss of 8 IQ points, and potentially have huge effects on bony density at a crucial time. Puberty is also a hugely important time of personal development/ sense of self and it’s not clear what impact puberty blockers have on that - but it’s likely they may extend dysphoria given that puberty normally leads to it resolving (80% of the time)
Breast binders are also not safe and can cause problems with breast tissue development as well as rib fractures and breathing problems. They are a really bad idea.

I’m really heartened to see so many people recommending transgender trend and the work of Lily Maynard who has been through this herself with her daughter
Best wishes OP. Let your daughter know how loved she is and hopefully this too will pass

*@Equivoxin Have you considered the fact that these kids became close friends because they were trans? And that the reason they came out soon after each other is because they talked about their identities together?

Again, being openly trans is in no way "trendy", we receive open abuse and we do not have equal rights in most countries. We risk abuse at school, at work, in public, from friends and family all just for being trans. It is not glamorous. If someone in this country is willing to openly talk about being trans with their parents then they know they are risking a lot.

And even if "most gender questioning kids are not" trans (which I would want to see evidence for) they should be allowed to talk to professionals about that and figure out what they want to do.*

My DD who is saying she is GNB has in the same friendship group at school another 2 kids who are also Transgender. One of them makes no fuss about the fact, just gets on with it. The other is shouting from the rooftops about it all, and accusing anyone else of not really being Transgender and just copying them instead - they are also posting on social media under different genders and in different gendered outfits outfits depending on how they feel. This child I feel needs a lot of support to negotiate their way through the confusion and chaos that is in their own mind over their identity. So in that way I agree that those (who are almost treating Trans as a new religion - eating, breathing, sleeping it as well as preaching it to anyone who will listen) need to see professionals.

My own DD now claps and screams with delight when anything Trans comes on TV (which is often as it's via YouTube or whatever she is watching) and her reaction comes across to me as borderline obsessive. Yet she still wants to wear Goth/Anime dresses, heels and makeup as that is another of her obsessions. She's being assessed for ASD as she has obsessive tendencies, and I want to ensure that Trans is actually what is going on, rather than it just being an obsession that will change at some point.

You've not had any hostile responses.

Equivoxin you are every so deeply in denial. So it denial of reality, it is scary.

Perhaps stop acting like a twat then?

riiiiiiiight...

@Equivoxin

Well if it quacks like a duck...

Still not "hostile". You just don't like being challenged. It's fine most people don't but squawking "hostility" "transphobia" etc every time it happens is ensuring that you're not going to be taken seriously.

Omg there is so much poor advise on here.
Hug your dd close and tell her how happy you are that she trusted you enough to tell you this and that you are proud of her for having the courage to do so.
Go to your gp and ask for a referral to a trained counsellor so your dd can explore her thoughts and feelings in a safe, judgement free environment, away from other people's emotions.
If she truly feels she is transgender then it is not a quick process and she will need to have different assessments before any form of treatment begins.
Definitely no breast binders at such a young age and I doubt the gp will put her on the pill to stop her periods because that's not healthy either.
Good luck to your dd, it's not an easy road but whatever the outcome I hope she finds the peace and happiness that she is searching for.

I am also non-binary. Referring to that as "confusion and chaos" is deeply disconcerting.

And you wonder why your child is adamant in having their identity be recognised while actively doubting that identity is even legitimate.

I have no words for you.