AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

I am also non-binary

I have no words for you.

Except the paragraph you just wrote previously to that statement. 🙄

I meant "I have no more words for you". My mistake.

Now I'm done with you

Yes?

Byeeeeeee!

Everyone is non-binary. With maybe a couple of exceptions in the whole world. People who aspire to actually be Barbie, and GI Joe.

You don't seem to know what non-binary means. It means not identifying as male or female, but somewhere in between or outside of those.

It means not identifying as male or female

So just like 99% of the world's population then, including myself.

Sorry dear but you're really not special.

I know what non binary means, as I AM non binary (or agender)

Male and female are not 'identities' either. And 'gender' is about masculinity and femininity.

I don't have a 'gender identity' at all (I suspect most don't have one actually) and have a range of masculine and feminine interests which sometimes depend on my mood that day. This makes me either a-gender, gender queer, or non-binary. Or possibly all three. Any one of these sparkly labels make me trans too.

I did try asking my beloved offspring what my gender identity was, after one of them had told me that ‘we now know there are over 73 different ones’.

The gaping look on their faces suggested they’d never considered that old boring people could have exciting things like gender identities.

Equivonix, how can one identify as male or female? We ARE either male or female- that is sex, not gender, and sex is binary and cannot be changed nor is it on any kind of spectrum.

Gender is masculine/feminine. We can identify as those things but as others have already pointed out, we ALL share a range of likes/preferences/characteristics that come from both ends of the spectrum.

So you don't identify with the gender you were assigned to at birth?

Okay, that's cool.

Do you have preferred pronouns you'd prefer I use?

I am also non-binary.

As is every single person on the planet

You have a gender identity, everyone does. Saying you don't is like saying you don't have a sexuality, or don't have a race.

I assume you are cisgender (sorry if I'm wrong there).

Also trying to put a number on how many gender identities there are is kind of silly. Again it's like trying to number the sexualities or races. Why bother?

There seems to be two definitions of non binary going on here 🤔

One where you just do, wear, and behave however you want, hardly giving a thought to what sex or gender you are, it simply doesn't occur to you to so you don't tend to need to shout about it to anyone who will listen. The second where you work very hard to draw attention to the fact that you do not identify as a specific sex or gender and trumpet this to anyone who will listen (and even those who won't!) and demand that everyone acknowledge it, pay you loads of attention, tell you how brave you are and make lots of allowances and changes to accommodate you.

The first is great, the second is terribly tiresome 💤

So you don't identify with the gender you were assigned to at birth?

Nobody is assigned a gender at birth.

I know I'm female because that's what my biology tells me I am.

I don't identify as female though because female is not an identity or a feeling. It is biological reality.

I have realised that transactivism is weirdly like evangelical Christainity. 'I am the way, the truth and the life.'

Have any of us ever had any success discussing the finer shades of theology/belief with an Evangelical?

No, I didn't think so.

Night, night to all Mumsnet mothers.

So you don't identify with the gender you were assigned to at birth?

You are not assigned a gender at birth. Your sex is observed and recorded. I don’t identify as any gender. I am of the female sex. That makes me agender and oh so special, I guess. But my sex remains female regardless of how I may wish to identify

You have a gender identity, everyone does.

No I don't.

I think gender is a load of crap and I reject it.

I assume you are cisgender (sorry if I'm wrong there).

No because that was mean that I am happy about the gender roles which are imposed on me as a woman. I can assure you that I am certainly not happy or comfortable with any of them.

You have a gender identity, everyone does.

I don’t

Firstly OP, completely understand your upset - Im sure I’d freak out in this situation too.

Like a PP said - rejecting things that are stereotypically feminine does not mean she has to become a boy. There is nothing inherently male or female about the length of your hair or the colour clothes you wear. These are socially-constructed ideas. If she wants short hair and would rather wear shirts than floral dresses, that’s fine, she doesn’t have to go to such drastic measures. Poor thing is only 14. I don’t have direct experience of TG but I read a lot of “I always liked football rather than dolls etc therefore that must mean I want to be a boy” or vice versa and it seems such a drastic move to bind your breasts/take hormones/ have surgery simply because your preferences when it comes to your appearance or activities you enjoy are not the norm for your gender.

I’m not explaining myself well and fully expect to be flamed but this is all getting a bit out of hand!

No flaming here Choc, that’s a sensible view imo

And with these latest responses we get to the truth of the matter. It's not that these people want the best for kids, or are just being cautious. They just refuse to accept that trans people exist and are just as legitimate in their gender as they are.

They think trans people exist because it is "trendy" or they want to be "special". They refuse to accept that people different than them are becoming more recognised in society and that this is okay.

They just want trans people to shut up, stop talking about their identities.

...totally agree HollyGibney.

PS if anyone can tell me how to tag another MNer, that would be much appreciated!!