AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

I'm not from a different planet, my son has told me that he thinks that he is a woman, I am frantic with worry. I am not transphobic. Can you not see that it is possible to be anxious that the young person is just making what could be an irrevocable decision and then realise that it is the wrong decision? As I keep saying, if he has surgery and regrets it, how will he feel as a man with no penis? I'm sure it is common to regret the decision but it doesn't seem to be talked about. And apparently academics can't research it either.

Maybe duscuss thd fact that if she is a Trans man does she expect to date girls? If so you may want to expose her to lots of fantastic Butch or Stud lesbians. You can be a very masculine woman without changing your body.

OP I am sorry
At the end of the day we just want our kids to be happy . And sadly we know that the life will of a trans woman can be hard

Last month I watched a really good series called Transparent on amazon . It’s very well made and it’s about a large family and the dad comes out as trans when he is 70

It’s very very good and is the only thing I have read or watched that’s fairly honest about the whole issue . It also covers gender dysphoria .

It might be worth watching with your child to learn together

If it was me I would focus on their mental health and what they need to feel right and respectfully say NO medical changes until they are of adult age .

Good luck and wishing you and your child
Peace

And please please please do not allow binding

Famous Butch Lesbians:

Ruby Rose
Alison Bechdel
Amber of Amber's Closet on YouTube
Samira Wiley
Wen Liu

Also AzMarie Livingston

Does she play sport - only ime but there seems to be more lesbian girls doing physical team sports than is in the general population so she might meet some more girls like her by taking up football/hockey or similar.

TJ Wolfe, author

Clair balding

It is a big fad/trend right now like emo/scene kids and gangster used to be. The majority will grow out of it. My sister is going through this with her kids now. My kids are grown and in their teens they wanted to be a gangster hip hop whatever was the trend. They both grew out of it.

My response to the gangster nonsense was when you're of age, if you want to go live in the ghetto, you can but now you're under age. I'm glad I didn't entertain every silly teen thing. My kids are glad too.

@AEJS how are you today and how is your dd?

'Transparent' is about an older man who 'transitions' after being married and a father. IMHO the reasons for middle aged and elderly men deciding to 'be women' is very different to the reason teenage girls want to 'be boys'.

Please shift all advice here. including mine.

IMHO don't watch anything with her unless you have seen it and agree/approve the content. She is likely finding lots of things you won't agree with or approve of on the internet all by herself - so let your input be measured and cautious.

I think all of us posting (generally) want to help but we all have different views so please be aware (as you know) these are big issues for us as a society and for some of us personally.

Hopefully you will take away something of use from us all.

Metoodear
"It’s muchousen by proxy in my view"

That is the term I was after! Thank you.

SilverBirchTree perhaps I didn't explain properly. I didn't mean all parents of questioning children, I meant the radical ones on here who are really pushing the issue and attack anyone who says 'hang on, hold on, wait a minute'. Those children that are genuine transgender will become apparent. But by the child themselves, not by the parent who seems way too over eager to push it in people's faces.

I am sorry but the majority of teens being transgender/non binary etc etc are this generations equivalent of Emos. That's all it is.
In my day you became a goth.

Their bodies just not be altered in anyway at all.
let them wear what they want and dress how they want and call themselves whatever they want and i bet that in a few years time 99% of them will have grown out of it and be on to the next fad.

I am sorry but the majority of teens being transgender/non binary etc etc are this generations equivalent of Emos. That's all it is.
In my day you became a goth.

I agree with this. Huge huge difference is, being an emo did not cause an y actual changes (besides wearing 'odd' makeup and clothes for a while...in my case) where this new trend really really does. Even puberty blockers..they are not 100% reversible in reality and can cause lifelong medical issues even if the child somehow does change their minds. Its not harmless, its a very harmful trend.

Not helped by certain organisations encouraging people to (literally in some cases) have a party when someone 'comes out; as trans. It is entirely usual to be scared of puberty and want to avoid it, its entirely normal to not follow stereotypes. I am not lesbian but my sister is, and she is adamant she would have thought she was trans solely because of the attitude people have to lesbians and how confusing it all was in her teens. I would have said I was trans to avoid puberty as the attention I got from fully grown men once tits started coming was scary as fuck. This is a trend (in most cases, some kids will actually be transsexual as adults but not many) and a very very dangerous one. And people who encourage transition are horrendous tbh. As I said earlier in the thread, transgender trend is written off as 'transphobic' because they recommend watchful waiting. However, the tavistock centre recommends the same. So really, is the Tavistock centre transphobic? Mermaids should not exist IMO. They are nothing but a pressure group and have already been ordered by a judge to stay away from a child they (and the mother) were trying to trans when the kid was not trans.

absolutely 100 % agree- sorry post should have said 'their bodies just SHOULD not be changed'

jeez i really wanted to be a boy when i was a kid
dressed in my brother's cast offs, played with trains, best friends all male.
Even as an adult i don't wear skirts, don't often wear make up, like going to the football, etc etc bit am definitely female-have birthed and breastfed two children.

When I was her age I was the biggest tomboy going... When I got to 16/17 I transitioned to being a girly girl...tell her she should wait till she is a bit older and then decide.

Oh this phone drives me mad!

Please sift all advice here. including mine.

I just wanted to say, that as a teenager I was never girly. I hated getting breasts and then I ended up being very flat chested (ironically) I didn't feel I fitted in with the girls at school. However I was not a sporty girl either. I had my hair cut short because I liked the style and it suited me. My mum always had short hair and wasn't into makeup or dresses etc.

Once I got to 18 I decide that having a boob job would help me feel more womanly and at one with my body. It didn't. It made me worry what people would think of me etc. However I focussed on cosmetic surgery changing myself etc. Obsessive dieting and exercising. This was the late 1990's. Cosmetic surgery was available to the masses.

I deeply regret these things I did. But at the time each procedure was the key to making me happy. That's how my thinking was. I see that in some of these children coming out as trans. It's if I change myself I will feel at peace with myself or happy.

Finding something less focused on what you look like or dress like is the key. Increasingly hard in these times of social media.

I found things like having a dog,yoga in a old school hall ( not one of these fancy health clubs) and making birthday cards gave me pleasure.

What I'm saying OP is can your daughter focus on some other ways of expressing herself and finding happiness too. Maybe she is trans but maybe she thinks it will make her feel complete but maybe it won't.

My daughter came 'out' about her sexuality when she was about 16, and I have to be honest - while I smiled to her face - I cried when she had gone. Not because I was ashamed or bothered by it, but I grieved for the loss of a future I had imagined plus the stress and prejudice she would face for being different, the fact that she was on a more difficult road. I cried for myself because she might not have children and I so wanted to be a grandma.
But to her face I was supportive, helpful, patient, loving ...
And 18 months later she had changed her mind about everything. It really was just a phase.

@titchy of course a GP would prescribe the pill without physical issues.... it's is first and foremost a contraceptive. I

Hi, I saw this post on Twitter and was deeply worried by the advice being given in the comments. So I decided to create an account here to lend my voice and clear up a few things.

1. Do not follow the advice of TransgenderTrend. They are not a group that is interested in the wellbeing of children. They actively dismiss studies into sexuality and gender identity and outline several transphobic slurs as "terminology". Their goal is to dismiss the voices of trans and gender-questioning people, youths and adults alike. Listen to medical professionals on this issue, not groups like these.

1. "Rapid onset gender dysphoria" is not a thing. It is a scare tactic used to describe trans people coming out. I can speak from experience when I say that any trans person will have considered and debated internally about their gender identity for years before gaining the confidence and courage to come out, especially to their parents. If your child has actively decided to talk about this with you it shows that they have an immense amount of trust in you, please do not dismiss that as "rapid onset".

1. Gender Identity Clinics are nothing to be afraid of. They do not have an agenda, they are part of the NHS and their job is to help the people that come to them understand themselves. They are staffed by medical professionals like any other. These people have studied for years to help people like your child and are the best people to talk to about these issues. They are highly considerate and careful, they will not prescribe any treatment without very careful consideration. They will not provide any treatment that they feel the patient is not ready for, again I speak from personal experience here. I begged them for HRT and they did not provide it because they knew from my responses to them that I was not ready for it at that time, and they were right. Also these are probably the best people to ask about binders, as they will be far more familiar with them than I am.

1. Talk to your child. I know you're very scared and inexperienced here, but you need to listen to your child and believe them. Again, they have likely been thinking about these things for years and have thought about how they would discuss it with you countless times. Just be patient and accepting and listen to your child, understand that they know how they feel about their identity. They are not just confused or following a trend, even if they decide they do not want to transition they should be allowed to discover themselves, and you should help them do that.

1. I know this is very difficult for you, that you are scared and confused. But please do not see your child opening up as something that is "happening to you". This is a troubling mindset that could lead you to make decisions about your child based on how they impact you rather than whether they are beneficial to your child. This is the exact attitudes my parents had, they saw me being trans as something that I was doing to them. This made me feel so guilty, made me feel that my identity was something my family could never accept, that they could never love me, only the version of me they believed was "correct". It drove me to near suicide. Please don't do to your child what my parents did to me.

This is your child's journey, not yours. Your job right now is to help them through this in whatever way is best for them. And it is your child's right (along with the help of professionals) to decide what route is best for them.

Again, your child coming out to you is a sign that they love and trust you immensely. So love and trust them in return. If you have any more questions please do not be afraid to ask.

This is your child opening up to you, it is an opportunity for you to grow closer with your child. Please do not waste it.

Perhaps some posters might like to read and reflect on this article.

quillette.com/2018/03/01/transgenderism-social-construction-diagnosis/

This is a website that claims in multiple articles that racism doesn't exist anymore so I'd suggest finding more credible and reliable sources of information.

I can speak from experience when I say that any trans person will have considered and debated internally about their gender identity for years before gaining the confidence and courage to come out, especially to their parents.

Cahn you explain multiple girls in the same friendship groups all suddenly deciding they are trans? In my stepdaughters year alone, there are now 6 transgirls. And they all came out within a month or so of each other.

Of course some kids might actually BE transsexual, but it seems pretty clear that most gender questioning kids are not. And its a little silly to deny there is a social contagion element of this, nor that its 'trendy' right now. Kind of like how being bi when I was at school was trendy and half my class claimed to be bi..but once school was done and dusted only a few people were actually gay/bi.