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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Never thought I would end this friendship

167 replies

Queenoftheblitz · 04/06/2018 23:23

Ii have sent this to my oldest friend:

I'm hurt that you didn"t invite me on your birthday. It's not the first time you've done this. I have too much respect 4u to just remove u from my life, without at least telling u why. I wanted to go to your mum's funeral but u said it was a small affair. Then afterwards u told me Sue attended. Please don't bother contacting me unless it's genuine. I'm fine without fairweather friends believe me.

----
Never thought i would send this. My oldest friend. We're both 55. Met at the age of 5, first day of school.
She has been wonderful -really been there for me over the years.
But just last week she told me she spent her birthday having a quiet one with 2 friends - facial and a pizza. I would have been there like a shot but i wasn't asked. I'm just so sick of justifying crap behaviour. I need to accept this friendship has run its course. I just thought we'd be friends for life.

OP posts:
LivingMyBestLife · 04/06/2018 23:31

So when did your friend change from being 'really there for me over the years' to a 'fairweather' friend, OP? I think that's a harsh text tbh, no need to bring up her mother's funeral surely?

squagmire · 04/06/2018 23:32

Hey OP, you're obviously really upset by her behaviour. From an outside perspective though it's hard to see exactly what she's done wrong that makes you want to end the friendship...?

Can't you still be friends even though she chose to spend her birthday with two other friends? Or even though she was happy for Sue to be at the funeral?

Is it that you think of her as your very closest friend and so it's hurtful that she seems to think of others as being closer?

pinkdelight · 04/06/2018 23:33

Gosh that's quite drastic. She doesn't sound like a fair weather friend if she's really been there for you over the years. Surely she can spend her birthday with whoever she wants and it's not that big of a deal. I'd have thought you'd read less into such things with fifty years of friendship in the bank. I guess there must be a lot more to it but from this info alone it sounds like you're a bit petty/jealous of her having other friends.

gamerchick · 04/06/2018 23:34

Has the really been there for me been a 2 way street?

Plus being really there for someone doesn't make them a Fairweather friend Confused

DarthArts · 04/06/2018 23:35

What's the AIBU?

Sounds to me like you put more weight on the closeness of the relationship than she does.

You're hurt by that. That's ok, you feel how you feel.

Personally I wouldn't have sent the text. I'd have just left the friendship fade out.

You're response sounds quite intense if I'm honest and I'm wondering if that's part of the problem here.

Her mums funeral for example - you're making it about "you". Maybe that's why "Sue" was there as a friend and support, rather than someone who "needed" to be there for their own sake/self validation?

Maybe over the years your interests have diverged?

Who knows?

What is a reasonable assumption is that she's been cutting you out of her life for some reason wrt significant events because you are no longer amongst her closest friends.

I'm sure it's painful for you, but it feels like this has been going on for some time and all you can do is accept it and move on.

BettyBaggins · 04/06/2018 23:35

Dont mention her mothers funeral ffs! Why do you think she isnt involving you so much these days?

LighthouseSouth · 04/06/2018 23:36

Is this the whole story?

It seems drastic to end a friendship over this but tbh if you are normally very jealous and possessive, she might be relieved.

PiggyPoos · 04/06/2018 23:37

If you haven't sent it I would just say you are hurt that she didn't ask you out on her birthday and leave it at that.

All the dumping stuff is unneeded. Plus the mums funeral I would think you should just forget about. People have other things to worry about surely at times like that without having to worry about offending people.

pinkdelight · 04/06/2018 23:37

Also maybe if you have issues with her other close friends, that might be why she doesn't invite you to group things? Do you think you have some kind of rights because you've been her friend for longer?

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 04/06/2018 23:54

I really don't know what happened. A year ago she was round my home and Queen was on radio "you're my best friend" and she hugged me and told me i was her bf.
I've known her mum since i was 5 and isaid i wanted to go to her funeral (3 years ago). She said "don't bother. Blink and you'll miss it". I sent flowers. Then later, found out Sue turned up at funeral. There has been other stuff. About 8 years ago, it was like she was blanking me. I was in an abusive relationship - she didn't know, they never met. He used to say "she doesn't like you". And i believed him because she wasn't returning my calls.
Later when i got rid of him i told her what he said, hoping that would give her an outlet to explain herself. But she didnt. However she was going thru shit with her dp. The last few years i have spent hours on phone with her talking about her ex but she rately wants to meet up.
We have both been through some awful stuff over the years and been so supportive of each other.
I had a party at xmas and she came and i just ecpect special events such as christmas, birthdays etc we will noth make an effort to meet up. We don't live that far from each other - 30 minutes.

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/06/2018 23:59

Oh OP Flowers. Sometimes 'oldest friend' doesn't mean 'closest friend.'

It sounds as though you see the friendship quite differently to her and maybe it's time to recognise one of my grandmother's favorite sayings, 'all endings are true ones' (which sometimes isn't true, but there you go Grin).

I don't think the text was a great idea, but it's done. Move on and forward.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 00:00

I'm not jealous of her other friendships believe me. I know them and they're lovely.
In addition I have lots of other friends.
But i feel she is pushing me away.
Her younger sister died last year and my friend smokes too much weed.
Oh shit. I shouldn't i have sent it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 00:06

Bette davis I get it. But i have too much respect 4 her to just fade her out. Earlier i decided to just ignore her phone calls (she initiates most calls). But i love and respect her too much to do that. I would rather just let her know rather than ghosting her.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 05/06/2018 00:11

Is that seriously all she said about the funeral, and that led to you not coming? I don't want to make you feel worse but that wasn't someone telling you not to come to the funeral.
The friends she met on her birthday could be two who go well together (workmates even) and who have stuff in common that you don't have. Don't most of us have different groups of friends who we socialise with separately? Anyway it's done now and you'll have to see what comes of it.

squagmire · 05/06/2018 00:11

It doesn't feel like a loving or respectful thing that you're doing, though, OP.

It seems like you have quite clear expectations of how close you want to be with her, what stuff she should include you in etc., and she feels differently for whatever reason.

If you have so much love and respect for her, why not have a discussion rather than text her in this slightly passive aggressive way?

dinosaursandtea · 05/06/2018 00:13

I’m sorry, but bringing her mother’s funeral into it is an appalling thing to do.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 00:21

Bringing her mums funeral into it was wrong. But i was so hurt. In my teens her mum was like a 2nd mum to me, i used to go round and spend time chatting with her mum while my friend was at work.
Sue hardly knew her mum as her mum lived abroad when she met my friend.
All of you are right. I should not have mentioned the funeral.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 05/06/2018 00:23

Treating her other friends as though they’re your competition isn’t a healthy way to see things, tbh. Maybe Sue had lost her own mum, maybe they’re closer than you realised, maybe she just showed up. And if that’s the kind of thing you lash out with when you’re hurt... well, there’s your answer.

elisaveta · 05/06/2018 00:34

If I received that text I think I'd recognise that you're hurt. Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned here mum's funeral, but as you were close to her mum in her own right, it seems hard that you weren't there. I'd have minded that a lot. I'd have minded that much more than the birthday, to be honest. You're paying her the compliment of being honest, at least. Maybe it will lead to a helpful conversation between the two of you.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 00:36

I think I've come to this because I blithly thought this friendship was for life. I don't have a jealous nature and have no problem with her other friends.
I am however looking at various people in my life and doing "cull" of people who i find negative.
Over the last few years this particular friend has blown hot and cold with me. And it hasn't been good for my self esteem.
I just think I've clung onto a friendship that is possibly past its sell by date. I never thought that would happen.

OP posts:
MLMsuperfan · 05/06/2018 00:40

I've never seen the need to 'break up' with a friend. Just let it fizzle out.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 05/06/2018 00:40

Op, it sounds like you have been a bit harsh...I know you want to be invited to everything...but she is allowed to have other friends, and she is allowed to do things with other friends that don't include you, it's no need to get jealous and fall out with her...your post sounds like schoolyard jealousy..

Look at it from her point of view, her mother has died, and she may just want to be left alone to grieve and she has you wanting to be part of everything and invited to everything, and that can seem overbearing and too much to a person...so she may have backed off from you to get a bit of breathing space...

It was distasteful to bring up her mother's funeral...

RhapsodyQueen · 05/06/2018 00:40

Was Sue welcomed at the funeral, or had she just turned up? Maybe your friend hadn't wanted Sue there either, but Sue showed up anyway?

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/06/2018 00:42

Jesus she has been through an awful lot. I don’t think you should have sent it, asking to meet and talk would have been a lot lot better - could you send an apology, say you were over emotional about missing her and ask to meet?

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 00:46

Elder, i don't want to be invited to everything. Birthdays and funerals are a big deal and yes, because of our history I expect an invite.
Unless, of course, I'm not really that important to her anymore.
And that's the conclusion I've come to.

Rhapsody, no Sue just turned up apparently.

OP posts: