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Original poster

Never thought I would end this friendship

167 replies

Queenoftheblitz · 04/06/2018 23:23

Ii have sent this to my oldest friend:

I'm hurt that you didn"t invite me on your birthday. It's not the first time you've done this. I have too much respect 4u to just remove u from my life, without at least telling u why. I wanted to go to your mum's funeral but u said it was a small affair. Then afterwards u told me Sue attended. Please don't bother contacting me unless it's genuine. I'm fine without fairweather friends believe me.

----
Never thought i would send this. My oldest friend. We're both 55. Met at the age of 5, first day of school.
She has been wonderful -really been there for me over the years.
But just last week she told me she spent her birthday having a quiet one with 2 friends - facial and a pizza. I would have been there like a shot but i wasn't asked. I'm just so sick of justifying crap behaviour. I need to accept this friendship has run its course. I just thought we'd be friends for life.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 05/06/2018 08:42

that Sue* just ‘turned up’ to the funeral

ParellelReality · 05/06/2018 08:44

55 year olds usually sound like grown ups though.

louharrisismyhero · 05/06/2018 08:45

That's a horrific text to send.

You have different expectations from the friendship, and that's ok. It's also ok to step away from being friends if you're not happy with it anymore.

But your text us spiteful, overly dramatic and incredibly off the mark. That's something I'd expect a young teen to do/react with!

BitOutOfPractice · 05/06/2018 08:48

So she's lost her mom and her sister and been though a horrible abusive relationship and now she gets this text from you? Crikey OP you really know how to stick the boot in don't you?

You sound very immature for 55 I have to say.

downwithlove · 05/06/2018 08:49

You recently "had it out" with another person and it felt "liberating" so you did this to your friend to feel liberated again. Your text was sent purely out of spite to make yourself feel better.

You're cross that she apparently told you not to go to the funeral then someone else turned up unexpectedly? How is that her fault?

You judge her for smoking weed yet you do cocaine yourself ?

Ok then Hmm

BitOutOfPractice · 05/06/2018 08:54

I also agree that this seems to be all about what you want. She has to phone you. She has to change her birthday plans to accommodate you. Her mom's funeral is about you wanting to pay your respects. You find it "liberating" to tell people what you think of them. Ugh.

kaytee87 · 05/06/2018 08:55

Grow up op.

Emmageddon · 05/06/2018 08:56

I must admit, you don't sound 55. Speaking as a woman of a certain age myself...
The txtspk, the egocentricity, the recreational drug use...

Whatever the real situation, you sound like a spiteful and malicious person and your oldest former friend is probably delighted you're no longer in her life.

Dancingmonkey87 · 05/06/2018 08:59

You sound hardwork op I couldn’t be friends with you.

FittonTower · 05/06/2018 09:01

You wanted to end your (lifelong) friendship? I think having a strop about who was and wasn't at her mother's funeral will have done it OP.

Ifonlyfor1day · 05/06/2018 09:08

GIPPILE... OP attitude was out if order and self indulgent. You are justifying her actions and her friends action as the friend smokes weed.

You know nothing more than the rest of us, which is OP actions, she sounds smothering to be honest making every thing about herself.

daffodillament · 05/06/2018 09:09

Ok. Not read full thread but this sounds way over the top Have some dignity FGS. Nothing wrong with her choosing two other mates for a bday get together ! You are jealous..that's all. she didn't deserve this text. Being friends for so long I hope this gets sorted. To coin a phrase, life is too bloody short for shit like this. Understand that you don't need to be included in every aspect of her life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/06/2018 09:15

Hum.

I have some sympathy with you, OP. I have a friend of almost the same longevity as you, and there isn't a chance in hell I would have excluded her from my mum's funeral - in fact I was very grateful for her (and her family's) support at that time. We haven't always celebrated birthdays together, usually because we're not in the same place - but when we have been, we have done so. She has a group of friends that is a very close-knit group and, although I like most of them, I am not a part of that group - I accept that and sometimes she does things I'm not invited to and that's ok. But big events - I'd always be included.

So while I don't think you needed to send that text, not really, I do understand that you're feeling hurt and excluded - I would too in your shoes. BUT I wouldn't have closed the door on my friend in that way, I would have just let things take their natural course.

Sorry you've had this experience.

Juells · 05/06/2018 09:19

Earlier i decided to just ignore her phone calls (she initiates most calls). But i love and respect her too much to do that. I would rather just let her know rather than ghosting her.

Confused
downwithlove · 05/06/2018 09:21

OP sounds ridiculously ego centric. Maybe her friend didn't want her at the funeral as she would be all "me me me" about her own grief?

Rhiannon13 · 05/06/2018 09:27

The text was sent and you know it was wrong so perhaps a short apology would be appropriate? If your friendship is worth anything she'll hopefully read between the lines and see this is your way of telling her you're missing her, although I'm afraid you come across as needy and immature which might explain the cooling off on her part (I missed your age at the beginning so presumed you were in your early 20s). Why couldn't you have arranged a meet-up instead?

dinosaursandtea · 05/06/2018 09:28

The friend is well rid. And if she has been ghosting the drama queen of an OP, who can blame her?

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/06/2018 09:28

Maybe Sue didn't ask about the funeral, sh just came. How is that your friends fault?

Maybe one of the friends organised the trip for her birthday and they didn't invite you, so once again not your friends fault.

have you tried organising some nice activities with your friend? It's a two way street, and just becasue she is your best friend, as harsh as it seems, it doesn't make you her best friend. The reality of life is that we often don't necessariy mean as much to people as they mean to us. That's okay.

I'm a similar age and I don't do the whole "best friend" thing. I have different people that I would go to first or invite to things depending on what it is and who I think would be the best person to speak to or would enjoy the activity best.

I'm in my 50s, not my teens, we aren't all joined at the hip.

I appreciate that you feel sad but you need to maybe expand your own horizons or you be the one to make the effort first.

jamoncrumpets · 05/06/2018 09:30

Christ, are you twelve?

jamoncrumpets · 05/06/2018 09:33

This has Jeremy Kyle fodder written all over it. Angry misspelled 'textses', weed dealing sons, 'tooting' on coke...

Juells · 05/06/2018 09:33

I have too much respect 4u to just remove u from my life, without at least telling u why. I wanted to go to your mum's funeral but u said it was a small affair. Then afterwards u told me Sue attended. Please don't bother contacting me unless it's genuine. I'm fine without fairweather friends believe me.

I have too much respect 4u to just remove u from my life, without at least telling u why. = I want to be sure to upset you in case you don't notice I haven't been answering your calls.

Please don't bother contacting me unless it's genuine. Yeah, that's going to happen 🤣

She's well rid

Rhiannon13 · 05/06/2018 09:39

My best friend (of over 30 years) didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, and only invited me to the evening do. It was because I was being a bit of a dick around that time and undoubtedly she wouldn't have been able to trust my behaviour. We both get this, it's never been an issue. Adults make their own decisions and good friends respect that.

helforddreams · 05/06/2018 09:49

Oh dear, I could almost be your friend...

Like many others I do disagree with you mentioning her mum's funeral. I too asked (or perhaps indicated) that my closest friend since the first day of school not attend my mum's funeral recently because it would be just a small affair. I did this because I thought it would be worse if she did come, more emotional as she knew me so well, though I don't think I said that. On the actual day some very casual aquaintances/neighbours of mine turned up (who did not really know my mum) but had seen of her death on facebook. Obviously I welcomed them ("Sue") and invited them back for refreshments. But a funeral is a personal thing that you do not issue invitations to, some people want to avoid them, others out of a sense of respect attend. Perhaps, like me, your dear friend, did not know "Sue" would be there, and even if she actually said in advance she was coming, your friend may not have felt she could ask her not to come - as you were such a dear friend she was perhaps able to be more honest with you. Also my closest friend and I have never really celebrated each other's birthdays, which may seem strange. But she has other friends who she tends to go out and have fun with, but we are more long deep and meaningful chats and are much more important to each other than a birthday meal or night out.

I haven't read all the thread so do not know if there was a follow up to your message. I did feel that the words in your message seem somewhat childish and self centred (sorry). However, the explanations you have written since are far more understandable and kinder. I hope the opportunity arises so you can explain further to her. Especially as you have used the unkind term "fairweather friend" but in your explanations say "she has been wonderful and there for me". Old friends are so much more important that birthdays I hope you have a chance to put things straight and I wish you good luck.

QueenUnicorn · 05/06/2018 09:52

She doesn't sound like a bad friend at all to be honest, being there for you even with everything she's been through. And initiating most calls? It sounds like she puts the effort in and you've thrown a strop about not being invited to a birthday event of which only 2 people went to....

helforddreams · 05/06/2018 09:53

In addition to my last post....perhaps issuing her a heartfelt apology/flowers for referring to your lifelong friend as a "fairweather friend", and for using her mother's funeral against her would be the way to go. I think I would have appreciated that and perhaps then you can then move on.

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