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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Never thought I would end this friendship

167 replies

Queenoftheblitz · 04/06/2018 23:23

Ii have sent this to my oldest friend:

I'm hurt that you didn"t invite me on your birthday. It's not the first time you've done this. I have too much respect 4u to just remove u from my life, without at least telling u why. I wanted to go to your mum's funeral but u said it was a small affair. Then afterwards u told me Sue attended. Please don't bother contacting me unless it's genuine. I'm fine without fairweather friends believe me.

----
Never thought i would send this. My oldest friend. We're both 55. Met at the age of 5, first day of school.
She has been wonderful -really been there for me over the years.
But just last week she told me she spent her birthday having a quiet one with 2 friends - facial and a pizza. I would have been there like a shot but i wasn't asked. I'm just so sick of justifying crap behaviour. I need to accept this friendship has run its course. I just thought we'd be friends for life.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 05/06/2018 00:47

FFS, then it clearly was a small, quick affair that she didn’t want friends at!

Emmageddon · 05/06/2018 00:48

Her mum AND her younger sister have passed away and you're peeved at not getting any invitation to her birthday celebration?

dinosaursandtea · 05/06/2018 00:48

And ‘expecting’ an invite... I assumed you were quite young but reading back you’re 55 and acting like a child.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 00:49

Mykingdom, thank you. I am going to send her a further txt as you suggested.

OP posts:
Ifonlyfor1day · 05/06/2018 00:49

Oh dear.

If her youngest sister died last year, and she was having a bad time with her dp 8years ago, when you were in an abusive relationship, when you felt pushed out, maybe she is dealing with her own stuff.

It also does not sound like she stopped you attending her mum's funeral more of a do not bother. Sue turned up, I'd be happy your friend had support.

I think the text was harsh considering all she has went through. I do not like to be harsh but you sound like hardwork dragging up years ago in a text.

As a pp said your oldest friend may not be your closest.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 00:53

Dinosaur, nothing childish at all. It's a long friendship. She supported me when my parents died. I wanted to do the same for her.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 05/06/2018 00:53

This is all about what you want and not what she needs. Probably best you end the friendship, all things considered.

Eliza9917 · 05/06/2018 00:54

Maybe the friends at her birthday were friends that ring HER?

Petalflowers · 05/06/2018 00:54

I,’m sorry you feel,how you do, but i don’t think your friend has done anything wrong.

Regarding the funeral,,your friend probably anticipated a small affair. However, generally funerals are public affairs, so anyone can go, hence Sue ptobably heard about it and wanted to pay her respects.

Also, she is entitled to spend her birthday with who she wants. Maybe the other friends invited her out, rather than friend organising it herself.

RhapsodyQueen · 05/06/2018 00:55

Ok, so Sue wasn't invited - so it wasn't a slight on you. She just wanted to grieve alone, which is her prerogative.

Ifonlyfor1day · 05/06/2018 00:56

You really need to apologise, explain you were emotional and back away for a while see if the friendship can recover.

FeralBeryl · 05/06/2018 00:57

Oh God! Please don't send anything else tonight until you've calmed down.
The funeral was awful to mention. She couldn't help who turned up - lots of people turned up to my DF's funeral, some I really would have preferred not but they wanted to pay their respects.
Your friend sounds like she was trying to help not inconvenience you.
You have admitted that she initiates most phone calls, yet say she's hot and cold.
Her mum has died, her sister has died, and she's had a bad relationship but she's hot and cold?
You need to snap out of projecting other poor friendships onto her, she's not the baddie.
Apologise, move on, either with her or not but you owe her an apology from the information you supply here.

elisaveta · 05/06/2018 00:59

Sue not being invited changes the whole funeral thing. Agree with others that it might be a good idea to text again.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 01:00

With regard to the funeral she did say later she didn't want to be around peoples grief. She can come across as very cool in that respect and doesn't show her emotions except to me and a small group of friends. It can be hard at times.
I wish I'd never sent that txt. Am trying to compose an apology.

OP posts:
ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 05/06/2018 01:08

Good luck x

FeralBeryl · 05/06/2018 01:10

You've known her mum since you were small, your grief may have been too much for her to cope with on top of her own.
Take your time with your next message.
Apologise unreservedly re: funeral, then explain that you've felt very hurt by a lot of your friends lately and got her mixed up into it too without intending to.
You'll probably both need a bit of space after this. Never text in haste, it never ends well Thanks

mirialis · 05/06/2018 01:12

OP - I get that you wished you'd never sent the text but is that because you weren't sincere and you want the friendship to continue, or because - despite being sincere - you don't want the friendship to end on such a sour note?

a) I'm really sorry for that last text. It reads much more harshly than I intended. I've been feeling low and didn't mean to lash out like that. I really do wish you well

b) I'm so sorry for that last text - can you forgive me? I'm feeling low and I lashed out and that was wrong of me. Can we meet and talk in person? Again, I'm sorry

etc. in your own words.

The good thing is, she's known you for half a century so I doubt this text is going to be quite the 'bolt out of the blue' it would have been in other circumstances.

I hope you feel happier soon - next time come on MN before pressing send. Flowers

PositivelyPERF · 05/06/2018 01:19

Gosh OP, I don’t think there’s any way back from that message. The damage is done. Shortly after my husband died I received a message from the partner of one of husband’s many friends, complaining about the fact that I hadn’t contacted them. She lamented about how upset her partner was that he had missed the funeral, while not once considering how I felt. I haven’t spoken to her since.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 01:21

Mirialis, I think it's because I've recently had it out with another person and it was liberating to say what was on my mind. The downside is I got to hear all about my faults - not nice to hear but most of it was true!

I have sent an apologetic txt to my friend. She lives in a strange location so she doesn't always receive my texts - fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Geppili · 05/06/2018 01:23

Hi Op
One thing that stuck me from your posts about ur friend is that she smokes weed. This is perhaps was is separating you. Weed and grief can make you want to be alone or at least away from people. It smells. It's illegal. It prob a source of shame and anxiety to her. If you don't smoke AND you disapprove or are unsupportive about her self medicating drug use, then THAT is a massive factor in distancing her from you. I guarantee.

Coyoacan · 05/06/2018 01:25

Oh gosh, the birthday thing. I have several very close friends but they don't all want to hang out together so I generally see them individually. How on earth could I see all my close friends on my birthday?

The idea of having just one best friend who I would have to spend all my special occasions with would drive me nuts.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 01:28

Positively, I'm sorry for your loss but people do want to pay their respects.
My dad's friend blanked me at my dad's funeral necause I didn't ask her to do the buffet for his wake.

OP posts:
Geppili · 05/06/2018 01:30

Have you talked to her about the weed?

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 01:31

Geppilli I don't smoke weed but I don't have a problem with her smoking it in my house. She was having counselling to get off it but that's stopped since her sister died.

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 05/06/2018 01:31

Positively, I'm sorry for your loss but people do want to pay their respects

I think the bereaved may have other things to be concerned about, such as not following their loved one into the grave.

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