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AIBU?

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Original poster

Never thought I would end this friendship

167 replies

Queenoftheblitz · 04/06/2018 23:23

Ii have sent this to my oldest friend:

I'm hurt that you didn"t invite me on your birthday. It's not the first time you've done this. I have too much respect 4u to just remove u from my life, without at least telling u why. I wanted to go to your mum's funeral but u said it was a small affair. Then afterwards u told me Sue attended. Please don't bother contacting me unless it's genuine. I'm fine without fairweather friends believe me.

----
Never thought i would send this. My oldest friend. We're both 55. Met at the age of 5, first day of school.
She has been wonderful -really been there for me over the years.
But just last week she told me she spent her birthday having a quiet one with 2 friends - facial and a pizza. I would have been there like a shot but i wasn't asked. I'm just so sick of justifying crap behaviour. I need to accept this friendship has run its course. I just thought we'd be friends for life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 02:41

Just read the whole thread - if you can be bothered.

OP posts:
chinesechicken · 05/06/2018 02:42

I have read it and it's so strange..

Coyoacan · 05/06/2018 02:50

Interesting to see someone who takes coke casting aspersions on someone who smokes weed.

LiteraryDevil1 · 05/06/2018 03:00

You sound like teenagers. Grow up. Although this sounds too stupid to be real.

PintOfMineralWater · 05/06/2018 03:13

"Interesting to see someone who takes coke casting aspersions on someone who smokes weed."

Yep. And how anyone can enjoy themselves off the back of an industry that causes profound human misery and suffering is unfathomable to me.

Maldives1986 · 05/06/2018 03:40

This thread took a turn that was completely unexpected and while I think perhaps the original message was a little thoughtless, particularly with reference to her mother's funeral, I can understand the sentiment behind it having accepted at 32 that my oldest friend and perhaps only friend Just simply aren't really in each other's lives any more.

This is a sad realisation for any body to come to terms with. A type of grief almost at the loss of someone that you thought would always just be there. So I think a few people could do to have a little more empathy for the OP and a little less judgement.

It is interesting to me (from a non judgemental stand point) that both the OP and the subject are both habitual and or occasional drug users as this not just affects their behaviour socially but also their reactions to things. As @Geppili said previously, weed can be an insular drug and make you shy away from social situations other than with people who are also users. And similarly, coke can make you very introspective and only see things from your own point of view an also act impulsively/erratically.

Either way it is not really for anybody to judge. Other than the case at hand. The message was probably sent a little hastily and irrationally but the sadness at the sense of loss is not. Perhaps it's worth taking the time to think about how this relationship might evolve so that you are still in each other's lives but to a lesser extent.

I for example have accepted that my oldest friend and I still care for one another but are not in each other's day to day lives but should the occasion arise we would be there in a heartbeat. It is not reasonable to expect 2 human beings to maintain the same level of intimacy through their entire lives....sorry for the essay

Namechangedname · 05/06/2018 06:58

It is not reasonable to expect 2 human beings to maintain the same level of intimacy through their entire lives...

But it's unrealistic.. Her mother & sister passed away, she was having troubles in her relationship. Some people deal with stress differently. Perhaps the weed helped her through. Perhaps withdrawing or seeking other friendships, helped her through.

Queenofblitz I think you recognise you have been harsh. I understand your reasoning behind sending it, though.

You seem to expect a lot from this friendship, despite the fact you have told us the stuff that your bf has gone through.

Your side of the friendship is conditional; on the condition that she does exactly as you say or face the consequences.

Maybe Sue is more understanding, more easy going. Or maybe your bf needed a break from you. You come across as quite intense and when people are struggling, that is not what is needed.

Geppili, are you the son or the 5-0Hmm

ParellelReality · 05/06/2018 07:05

Agreed that the text sounds incredibly childish.

And some huge projection (and weird glee) coming from Geppeli. Who also doesn't sound like they know 'weed culture' at all actually.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 05/06/2018 07:07

If Sue just turned up at the funeral it seems very unfair to blame your friend for the fact that Sue was there and you weren't. You don't know that She wasn't given the exact same message you were and just chose to ignore it. That isn't your friend's fault and I think YWBU to mention it to her.

That being said, it does sound like the friendship has drifted. That might be due to several things - it sounds like there have been times when (due to your own difficult circumstances) you weren't there for her as much as you previously had been, and vice versa.

It's ok to cool a friendship if it's no longer good and close etc. These things happen. But it doesn't sound like it's something you can entirely lay at the door of your friend. I'm not sure you're seeing your own part in how it has drifted.

Maybe your friend will respond in a way that enables you to have a conversation about it and move forward. Or if not, you could either accept that it's done, or follow up with a call / message to apologise for laying the blame totally at her door. See how you feel in a day or so.

Nodancingshoes · 05/06/2018 07:13

I would (and have!) get up. At the weekend I would ask for one of the days as a lay in tho. When I was on mat leave I kind of thought that was my job. We always took turns at the weekend tho

Nodancingshoes · 05/06/2018 07:14

Sorry that is the wrong message! Don't know what happened there!!!!

kissthealderman · 05/06/2018 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElMarineroBaila · 05/06/2018 07:15

If I got a text like that from a friend I'd be rolling my eyes thinking "bloody drama queen, grow up!"

Doh9899 · 05/06/2018 07:17

Family was invited to the funeral not friends, Sue turned up uninvited. You can't blame your friend for that.

She wasn't there when you had problems with your ex, you then acknowledge she was going through her own shit so again you can't blame her for that.

She puts the effort in to contact you, you never call her

You don't sound very close in all honesty and if you're so quick to snap at her when you've literally explained yourself how she's done nothing wrong, then I'm not surprised she invited closer people to her birthday. You sound like you miss her so instead of cutting her out passive aggressively why not try and meet up with her and do a belated birthday thing

Whatshallidonowpeople · 05/06/2018 07:18

55 and you use text speak and a childish text? Did you mean 15?

Namechangedname · 05/06/2018 07:23

And some huge projection (and weird glee) coming from Geppeli. Who also doesn't sound like they know 'weed culture' at all actually.

My thoughts, too.

firehousedog · 05/06/2018 07:25

I personally wouldn't have sent the text but instead have withdrawn from the friendship if you felt thst way.

ShatnersWig · 05/06/2018 07:49

55 and takes coke occasionally? Jesus.

This is a very odd thread.

shockthemonkey · 05/06/2018 07:52

OP, when you say that you "respect her too much to just let the friendship fade away" I think you are being a little disingenuous. I just think you wanted to let rip with your feelings.

How is the kind of text you sent "respectful"? How is it more respectful than just letting the friendship fade out?

I do agree with you that an apology would be a good idea, given the various points made by PPs.

Lotuslots · 05/06/2018 07:53

I get it. Don't be too hard on yourself... the fact that you were so upset just proves how important she is to you. Otherwise you would ignore and not give a damn and never say a word. If you were my friend I would recognise that. :)

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/06/2018 08:05

Leaving aside everything else, I'd like to praise you for at least telling your friend what's going on. I fell out with one of my oldest friends too, but I still have no idea why, and it really hurt not knowing. I think ghosting people is cowardly and cruel.

Branleuse · 05/06/2018 08:32

id send a follow up text saying please ignore that text, im hormonal and overthinking stuff. I would love to catch up and am really missing you lately

SamandDean · 05/06/2018 08:34

This thread is just weird. You do not sound like a 55 year old. Both of you need to grow up

Branleuse · 05/06/2018 08:36

wtf does a 55 year old sound like? Theyre just people. 55 year olds arent all wizened elders of the village.
Some people have insecurities their whole life

SoyDora · 05/06/2018 08:41

How is it her fault that she just ‘turned up’ to the funeral?! She didn’t invite her and could hardly throw her out when she turned up. You were seriously out of order holding that against her.

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