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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Never thought I would end this friendship

167 replies

Queenoftheblitz · 04/06/2018 23:23

Ii have sent this to my oldest friend:

I'm hurt that you didn"t invite me on your birthday. It's not the first time you've done this. I have too much respect 4u to just remove u from my life, without at least telling u why. I wanted to go to your mum's funeral but u said it was a small affair. Then afterwards u told me Sue attended. Please don't bother contacting me unless it's genuine. I'm fine without fairweather friends believe me.

----
Never thought i would send this. My oldest friend. We're both 55. Met at the age of 5, first day of school.
She has been wonderful -really been there for me over the years.
But just last week she told me she spent her birthday having a quiet one with 2 friends - facial and a pizza. I would have been there like a shot but i wasn't asked. I'm just so sick of justifying crap behaviour. I need to accept this friendship has run its course. I just thought we'd be friends for life.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 05/06/2018 09:55

Sometimes friendships run their course. I divorced my oldest friend just after my mum died when she sent me a Christmas card with "The most wonderful time of the year" on the front the day before the funeral. I just let it go though, said nothing and haven't seen or heard from her since.

To be honest, that text is awful. I feel so sorry for your poor friend.

OliviaStabler · 05/06/2018 10:09

Hi OP,

It doesn't matter if you wanted to be at the funeral or not, does it? She didn't want many people there, including Sue I suspect. You have to respect her wishes in that matter even if it hurts you.

As for her birthday, maybe those two friends surprised her with pizza and facials on the day. However close you are to someone, you can't always be there for every event.

I suspect that your friendship might be over now you have sent that text. It sounds like you wanted her to 'crawl' back to you and apologise but I think it might backfire.

Fruitbat1980 · 05/06/2018 10:21

“A toot of coke” at 55. Grin now I really have heard it all.
Love mumsnet.

jamoncrumpets · 05/06/2018 10:21

I'm on Sue's side, personally #teamsue

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/06/2018 10:26

55? Honestly, you sound about 40 years younger (and I'm not saying that to be hurtful; you really do read like a teen).

I agree that you wanted her to 'crawl back', and you wanted us to validate your feelings too. However, it does seem to be you in the wrong here. What's going on for you around this friend, or in general?

DBoo · 05/06/2018 10:31

Toot of coke just made my day Grin

OfaFrenchmind2 · 05/06/2018 10:50

Your happiness at being justified by the two bit psycologist on this thread about the weed making it all your poor friend's fault shows that she is better off without you. You do not really care about her, you care about hving this "oldest friend" as if it is a status symbol. This is quite pathetic.
Leave the poor woman alone and go have your "cull". You sound like a FB asshole having those just to have people begging them to take them back.

LighthouseSouth · 05/06/2018 10:58

not sure why the surprise at the toot of coke and weed

I used to work with a woman in her 50s who began the day with a Red Bull and either weed or coke.

now she's retired, she sticks with the weed and doesn't need the other two - but all jokes aside, in terms of coping with life, not so unusual.

CheeseyToast · 05/06/2018 11:24

Wow at the ageism on this thread. Since when were recreational drugs and texting only for teenagers?

downwithlove · 05/06/2018 11:29

Wow at the ageism on this thread. Since when were recreational drugs and texting only for teenagers?

I think it's more how childish the OP comes across in her attitude etc to be honest.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 05/06/2018 11:31

No way are you 55. 55 year olds don't use text speak and talk the way you do.

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/06/2018 11:37

Can someone explain to me why 55 year olds don't use text speak? Is it physically impossible after a certain age?

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/06/2018 11:38

I'm 52. I use text speak. In fact in my experience more older people use it as we used mobiles before smart phones made it easy to type a text.

jamoncrumpets · 05/06/2018 11:39

No issue with 55yos particularly 'tooting' on coke or using txtspk. More of an issue with anybody over the age of 15 expressing themselves in such a juvenile way. 25, 35, 45, 55. Any age.

sobersandra · 05/06/2018 11:46

@jamoncrumpets me too. #prayforsue

Seriously op. Just talk to your friend. No more texting and definitely don't take bloody funeral attendance as a sign of friendship.

Some people in my village will treat it as a day out ffs.

SoyDora · 05/06/2018 11:55

I’m 33 and have never heard anyone call it a ‘toot of coke’. Maybe I’ve led a sheltered life?

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 12:05

She called me. She apologised and so did I. I told her she has nothing to be sorry for. I have been feeling judged by others in my life, which harks back to the abuse I had from an ex who tried to turn friends and family against me. He succeeded with some of them.

I use txt speak because i have arthritis in my hands.

I let her initiate phone calls because she often doesn't want to talk as she suffers low moods. But when we talk I always suggest going out for the day. She always agrees but I tell her I'll leave it in her court as I don't want to pressure her.
I am not a demanding friend and she says I'm the one person who can pull her out of her dark mood. I'm happy to do that.

Anyway I am ashamed I lost control and today I feel like a total shit. She was crying on the phone and she didn't deserve it.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/06/2018 12:08

I am glad that you apologised and kind of hope that you are both back on an even footing again now.

Friends of that longevity are like family - usually in a good way! - so I hope you can both get past all this. x

twotallgiraffes · 05/06/2018 12:25

I can't lie, I laughed at the idea of a 55 year old woman 'tooting coke' what is this world we live in?!

Ifonlyfor1day · 05/06/2018 12:28

Do not be ashamed just learn from it. Maybe get some councillor to help hou deal with the negative feelings from your ex.

I am glad you sorted it out, everyone gets frustrated, next time you feel angry vent first. I hope you both feel better now.

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/06/2018 12:29

That sounds good OP. Maybe suggest a nice meet up for a walk or something so you can reconnect F2F without comitting to a whole day or a meal or coffee or anything.

I have friends i meet up with just for an hours stroll on a nice evening. It's long enough for a wee catch up without putting anyone under any pressure.

KarmaStar · 05/06/2018 12:44

I read the OP and thought she was 15!

SalemBlackCat · 05/06/2018 12:56

I think people are being very very harsh on you. Especially in regards to the funeral. I would be deeply hurt if my friend since I was 5 years old and I was close to her mother, tried to encourage me to stay away from the funeral of someone I regarded as a second mother. I was cruel and wrong for her friend to do that. You had every right to be upset that she didn't want you at the funeral of someone you knew since you were 5. Every....right. I would think it odd if you didn't feel upset about it. I think the people attacking you on that are the immature ones, and you showed maturity and respect.

However - I think she is entitled to do what she wants on her own birthday. Whether that be with one group of friends, 2 other groups of friends, or you and her, or just her, herself. Maybe she is trying to be fair to everyone and take turns with people. Like, birthday with one set of friends one year, another set the other year. So it is not the same friend all the time.

Original poster
Queenoftheblitz · 05/06/2018 13:09

Thankyou Salem.
She doesn't celebrate birthdays, hates getting older. It's a standing joke between us that she calls it "just another day". Never wants to mark it.
Which is why I was surprised that she did mark it albeit in a small way this year.

Two weeks ago someone got drunk and tore into me for being so "weak" to put up with abuse.
Despite two years of CBT, it set up a train of thought that everyone around me viewed me that way.
I left the abuse 5 years ago and yet I was still being judged. Yesterday 3 glasses of wine tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 05/06/2018 13:10

Hi all,
Many thanks to those who reported concerns. We just wanted to pop on and say that the poster has been with us for ages and has a decent record with us. We're very glad you got your issue resolved, OP. Flowers