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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

256 replies

Laybyloitering · 04/06/2018 20:13

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

OP posts:
SilverDoe · 06/06/2018 20:57

OP I have a step son and I know it can be really hard. But you are in each others lives through a connection of loving the same person, and your DP has a responsibility to this girl. It’s hard having a little person that you don’t have the same bond with as your own children, especially when they act as projections of the ex.

But ultimately they are still children, children from a split up family, and they need not your love and affection necessarily but at least your approval and acceptance. Pushing the girl out of your wedding party when the groom is her own father is just not on. But I think you’ve already said that’s not happening right? So problem solved :)

Notonthestairs · 06/06/2018 21:15

I'm not approving her behaviour at all. I just think you are being manipulated it to becoming "the difficult one".

bellabasset · 07/06/2018 06:11

Your fiance's dd is a young teen with all the angst that can go with it. She would probably like to be living with both parents. She may very well have been having a moan to her mother. I see this as an issue for dp to bring up with his ex, what an example to give your child than putting this on social media. It's mischevious, nasty and malicious but I see it as a parenting issue. DP may well have other issues to sort out with ex on what he feels is appropriate parenting by the ex. Keep well away.

Your future sd has said she wants to be her df's bridesmaid and you've said you'd rather not have her with your family and friends supporting you before the ceremony. So look at both dc's being with their father before the ceremony. Then they will form part of the bridal party following you and your dp after the ceremony. Break with tradition and give your own speech thanking your dscs for their support for you both, that you will be there in the future supporting them and then hand them a gift from you and dh.

Enjoy your wedding.

FlaviaAlbia · 07/06/2018 06:27

A wedding is one day. It's relatively unimportant in the grand scale of marriage which which be for the long term.

Focus on the long term, you won't just magically bond with her because you're having her as a bridesmaid, it's a process she grows up. If you can't understand or accept that, then the relationship will never improve.

SakuraBlossom · 07/06/2018 06:37

It seems like you are going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't OP. I think DSD is in the wrong.

Personally I think you should stay as partners and not lumber yourself with this bullshit.

Missingstreetlife · 07/06/2018 07:00

She asked to be her dads bridesmaid, best girl? supporting him to marry you. A strong statement. Instead you ask her to be yours, why? Ask her if she prefers to be in dads group, perhaps even part of stag, can they go for ice cream or mocktails beforehand?

helacells · 07/06/2018 07:40

OP sorry but your marriage is doomed. It's clear she doesn't like you and inevitably her Dad will choose his kids over you. Honestly I often wonder why people bother blending families, it rarely seems to work

SandyY2K · 07/06/2018 07:56

I'd have another girly day with her and say you think she doesnt want to be a BM.... following what she's been saying.

Then tell her she doesnt have to be and you'll be fine with it....and You absolutely won't hold it against her, as you'd rather she enjoyed the day.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 07/06/2018 07:58

My DH didn’t choose his child over me but, I know it caused him a great deal of upset and I never wanted to be “that” person; the one who was in the middle ie. her not visiting for years and him supporting me but missing out on seeing his daughter. It was crap all round.

OP, this is NOT the way to start your marriage. A great deal of unhappiness lies ahead for you if you cannot accept her, in all her “glory”, good and bad because she is a part of him. Please reconsider.

My relationship with my dsd now, years later, isn’t exactly close but I still welcome her visiting, am interested (genuinely) in what she’s doing and wish her well. I haven’t forgotten the shit she gave me (and it was her Mum who met someone else, years before I came along and ended her parent’s marriage) but I just want us all to get along. Life’s short.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 07/06/2018 08:04

Also, I wouldn’t personally do the “girly” days/try too hard. I think it gave my dsd a kick to see me “trying” and her having the power to “pass or fail” my efforts. I’d just continue with the genuine excitement of my impending wedding and include her with real enthusiasm (no special treatment), act if you have to! I’d ask your other bridesmaids to do the same on your behalf and just accept that she’s asked, she’s there and it CAN be a wonderful time for ALL involved. It’s the ONLY way, OP. Because when that one day is over....your real relationship begins.

Cambionome · 07/06/2018 08:16

Op, in the nicest possible way you need to grow up a bit here. Yes, this is an unpleasant situation for you but - as many others have said - you are the adult and she is the child. You have to play the long game here; she will eventually come round (may take a few years!)

Good luck.

HopefullyAnonymous · 07/06/2018 08:21

I feel very sorry for the DD. No wonder her head is all over the place if both her mother and stepmother are using threads on MN as a way of scoring cheap points against each other. She’s just copying the nastiness she sees in both of you.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/06/2018 08:30

Her dad needs to sit her down and explain the role of a bridesmaid. It is not about the dress, the hair and the attention but about love, support and respect. You have chosen her because of those reasons (sic), she needs to accept this role for these reasons. tell her that he had been disappointed to hear some disturbing reports about her saying unkind things (no need for details) and he had hoped that she was grown up enough to realise this was wrong. Tell her He understands that this is a big thing in her life, something her mum may be struggling with but it is also a big thing in his life and he loved and respects you, wanting you to grow old together. If she feels that she cannot do this for whatever reason then she needs to decide whether to carry on. My feeling is that pressure is coming down from her mother and She feels torn. However, she is old enough to make the right choice and he should allow her to do this with your full support.

Daddystepdaddy · 07/06/2018 08:40

Your DP needs to step in and parent here. I agree with others about being very careful before sacking her from being a bridesmaid it could be very damaging.

14 is a very difficult age especially for a child in a blended family (I speak from experience) and so you need to be clear consistent and supportive (something I didn't always do I'm afraid).

Ohmydayslove · 07/06/2018 08:47

Sorry if you are yawning at people disagreeing with you carrying a war over the Internet with your step daughters mum.

Sorry to bore you op but I am pointing out you name changing is hardly going to disguise you from the mother who is a numsnetter.

But hey you and her carry on your bitching session and then both tell the 14 year old and see how her head spins.

I reiterate you should both be ashamed of yourself and get this thread pulled.

PretABoire · 07/06/2018 08:49

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Are you really surprised she doesn’t like you? It doesn’t sound as though you like her very much. Even before your friends started bitching and gossiping about her. I’m slightly appalled that you seem to think she had some nerve asking to be bridesmaid - it’s a pretty normal way of showing SC they have a place in your new family unit.

PoshPenny · 07/06/2018 08:53

You shouldn't post this if it's a sly dig at the other side and it sounds like it is. If this 14yo is supposedly bitching about you behind your back, then I would initiate a conversation along the lines of why do you want to be a bridesmaid if you dislike me so much? With her father present. It may well be she's so conditioned by her mother she can't see what she's doing.

Daddystepdaddy · 07/06/2018 08:57

@PoshPenny In my experience a direct confrontation like that rarely works. 14 year old will just get angry and defensive. The OP's DP needs to do the leg work here.

PretABoire · 07/06/2018 09:04

A confrontation is likely to make her feel betrayed, spied on, as though she has no right to her own feelings. It’s a shit idea. I don’t think it’s the DPs job. I think if OP wants to be a wife and stepmother it’s her job to be likeable - you can’t force someone to like you if you only have contempt for them! She’s 14, not an adult. From DSDs point of view you’re shoehorning your way into her family. She was already part of that family. If you don’t get on that’s something for YOU to work on instead of expecting the reaction you want from a hormonal teenager. It’s also a bit strong to call her badly behaved when she hasn’t actually said or done anything to your face or even anything which would affect you if your friend weren’t a gossip.

mummmy2017 · 07/06/2018 09:16

She is going to be your legal SD...

Your the adult here... you asked she want to be a bridemaid let her.... at no point do you ever want to have it thrown down you were a bridezilla.
At 14 she is still a child and you need to accept she is still hurting over life. Not being just mum and dad. Smile sweetly and just enjoy your day. Don't give cause for anything to be your fault for stopping her being a part of this wedding.

ConkerGame · 07/06/2018 09:55

From your OP, she originally asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid. That was clearly what she wanted so why didn’t you go along with this if things are uncomfortable between the two of you?

By refusing her request and making her one of your bridesmaids you have created unnecessary drama and angst. But it’s too late to go back now as she would see a demotion as a complete rejection.

I think you should either kill her with kindness or be open with her and say you realise you’re not her favourite person but you want her to be happy, so would she prefer being a bridesmaid/attendant for her dad as she originally suggested? If so, that might be the best outcome for everyone.

Cloudyapples · 07/06/2018 10:33

I was the same with my sm (although she was the ow). We have a fine relationship now - not super close but we get on. At her wedding to my df my dsis and I did a reading which felt much more appropriate than bridesmaids to a woman we weren’t particularly close to. Alternatively could she be her dad’s ‘best woman’ or female usher? So she feels involved but from her dad’s side not yours?

Pigletthedog · 07/06/2018 10:47

How do you know that she's actually been saying nasty things about you? Could it not just be her mums way of stirring things up?

SilverDoe · 07/06/2018 15:06

Oh hang on.

DSD specifically asked to be a bridesmaid for her dad, then you said she should be your bridesmaid instead?

No wonder she was moaning about you and saying she didn’t want to be your bridesmaid. She should be in her dad’s wedding party! You are being a dick in that sense, to put it bluntly.

3 cheers for elopements Wine

Zebra31 · 07/06/2018 17:15

Regarding SD been dads bridemaid. I asked the same earlier. Why is she not part of her dads wedding party? I honestly don’t understand that.

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