To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

[Laybyloitering]

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

Why the fuck have you posted on Mn, knowing that he ex is on here?

Very nasty that is, you know it will get back to the girl via her mum.

I’ve got little sympathy with you. Ended families are by and large shit for the children and only beneficial to the adults who are shagging.

If you tell her she can’t be a bridesmaid, especially after she’s asked will only further damage the relationship with her.

I would however speak to her about her badmouthing you. Let her know what you’ve heard and give her a chance to explain. It may well be a case of teenagers trying to be cool or doing it for her mums benefit. But a chat about how hurtful it is won’t go amiss. I’d let the bridesmaid thing drop tho and go ahead with your plans with her

I agree that it's unfortunate that word got back to you of what she said. I would be mortified if people know what I have said about them behind their back in a temper/fit of pique/bad mood. The worst things I have said about people when venting or ranting is not a true indicator of my feelings for them.

In your case I would be very wary of her mum's motive in making sure you found out what she said - it did no good to anyone.

Once again, rise above this. Be the nice not nasty adult. Allow your SD to shine alongside you at the wedding and be prepared for turbulent times if you have your own teenage children one day.

So two grown women are using mumsnet to manipulate a young troubled teenager?

You should both be fucking ashamed of yourselves. Very tempted to report this thread

@yesbarry what an unpleasant post! It's not my fault her parents split. She will be my bridesmaid, please see earlier posts.

"I’m slightly thrown by the logic that it’s apparently totally unacceptable that she vented (as far as she was aware) in confidence to her mother, who she should be able to trust, and that’s totally unforgiveable, but the OP is completely in the right to slag this poor girl off to thousands of strangers on the internet, on a forum she knows her SD’s DM reads."

Me too. In fact, if I were the bridegroom I would cancel the wedding at this point and consider myself to have dodged a bullet.

I mean, the poor man started off married to a woman who thinks it's ok to plaster her dd's comments made in confidence all over the internet, and now he's about to get married to a woman who would punish the child for that- and plaster the same situation all over the internet.

Be serious, OP. Have you never, even as an adult woman, blown off steam about somebody to a person you trusted, because you knew that it would never go further? Really? Never? If you have, then you have no right to decide it is the dd who is to blame here.

Those saying the dd had a choice not to be nasty- she did and she exercised that choice. By not making her comments public (unlike her mother and the OP) but confining them to a place where she thought they would be safe. That they were not is hardly her fault.

But you know she uses this to post about you and you are now posting about her! Clearly you will both read each other’s posts!! Then manipulate the young teenager? Yes? Sorry if I got that wrong but thought that’s what you posted?

How interesting that the daytime audience have an entirely different viewpoint to the evening posters. Why is that??

Can't see much difference tbh... you're just being called out on BS after you've updated

Layby
No idea. Herd mentality? Some people had a few drinks? People had a rough day and their tolerance levels gone down?

I have always been of the firm opinion that your sd must remain bridesmaid and that she’s being manipulated by her mother. It must be hard for her. I think you and her father should attempt to create a strong bond together both for you and for her. I don’t agree that you shouldn’t have posted this here but there is a very real danger your sd will find out and I would probably ask for it to be deleted.

I do, however, think it is important for you to see the similarities between her venting then and your venting now.

Some of the suggestions of getting her involved such as choosing jewellery for the other bms and buying her a special piece, perhaps a little different from theirs if that’s what she wants.

Would she be receptive to you just generally chatting at dinner one evening and saying you’re really looking forward to having her at your wedding and her dad is excited at her being your bm. You get it’s really tough having to get used to having you around. You’re someone different and new and her dad will always be her dad. You’re here if she needs you however that may be. This doesn’t have to be all said at the same time just things to counter the stroppiness perhaps.

I think you also need to be ready for the fact her mother may have seen this thread and come up with a strategy to deal with it. There is no doubt that she will show it to her dd. She has thus far shown no restraint if your account of her is accurate. As I say, I think you should delete it now.

Please rise above it! She's only young, totally at the mercy of her mums jaded, distorted views.

Take her out shopping for a dress she feels amazing in, buy her lunch, listen to her.

You'll want everyone to be happy on your wedding day!

Strive to be the exact opposite of what her mums telling her you are. Prove them both wrong and make your DP proud in the process.

It'll be a psychological victory for you and I promise it'll make you feel great.

Be the good guy in all of this. She's just a suggestible child and there's lots of time for a nice relationship to be forged between you.

I didn’t see your post last night. Was working.

My understanding is your step dd was manipulated by her mother and betrayed by her posting her opinions of you on here and you read them and are now posting you don’t want her dd to b your bridesmaid? So she can read that and presumably tell her dd.

IS that wrong? I presume your audience changed when you drip fed?

I also added you should report your thread to prevent this.

To be fair to the 14yo, she has only vented in private to her mother.
The 2 grown women in this situation; the mother and the stbsm have vented on a public forum; and have shown the least amount of discretion.

Her mum is using her as bait to just shit stir and cause havoc at a time which should be lovely and exciting. I would ignore it and not rise to it. She will eventually see through her mums manipulation when the ex hasnt gotten her way.

Giver her a bridesmaid gift and a letter, get her dad to be more stern. Do not make yourself out to be bad guy

Why the fuck have you posted on Mn, knowing that the ex is on here?

This is actually a good question...

I'd talk to her NOT mentioning any badmouthing she may or may not have done. Preferably with your DH. Say you think you may have got it wrong - does she want to be bridesmaid or would she prefer to be her dad's supporter? ask her how she envisages it working and what she might like to wear. Or would she like to do a reading?

As PPs have said, you are the adult and you will have your DSD in your life for years to come. She's going through a lot - even older DSDs find it hard to accept a new woman or man in their parents' lives.

And remember when people go low you go higher so get this thread pulled and the pair of you stop using the internet to score points off each other st the expense of a vulnerable child.

It’s not nice

Agree with the posters saying you must rise above it. Children don’t get to choose their parents and less still do they get to choose their step parents. She doesn’t have a strong bond with you (yet), and she is a teenage girl. If your DP’s ex is as bitter as she sounds from your description, then the girl is likely dealing with her mums emotional fallout about the situation as well. And that’s on top of all of her feelings about her split parents.

So try and bear that in mind. It sounds like the ex’s sole purpose was to cause drama, and I’m sure she would love to succeed by making you an enemy of your DSD, and therefore causing friction between you and DP. I’m sure her ideal outcome would be to cause ructions on your wedding day, so make sure you avoid giving her any satisfaction and making sure all 3 of you have a wonderful time.

And in the case that the ex really isn’t just trying to cause a stir because of you two getting married, and is genuinely expressing some kind of concern, then it’s still not the ideal course of action to punish her DD because you have caught wind of it via MN.

Lastly, sorry if I have missed this as I don’t have time to read the whole thread - but did anybody actually ask DSD what she would like her role in the wedding to be, rather than asking the somewhat leading question of “will you be a bridesmaid?”. Can’t she be a groomsmaid or ring bearer or something? Did she herself definitely have her heart set on being one of your bridesmaids?

Bet OP disappeared now that the replies are disagreeing with her

She is 14. I was a bridesmaid to my sister at 14. I was horrible, I wanted to be a bridesmaid but I was angry and confused about everything at the time. My hormones were everywhere, I was worried about gcses, boys, school friends etc. I can look back now and realise how ridiculous I was but at the time everything felt like a massive deal. I hated the dress, I hated the shoes, I didn't want to stay at my sister's house, I was in a massive emo phase I didn't want to wear the butterfly jewellery etc etc. I'm surprised my sister was still talking to me by the wedding. I knew right from wrong but I just had trouble expressing myself.
I was like that with my sister can you imagine being a confused 14 year old who's father is getting remarried? Your mother obviously doesn't like your dad's fiance. You are worries about losing your dad,being replaced by new kids etc. You vent to your mum cause you want someone to hear you and she plasters it all over the internet. Then you stepmum does the same thing. You are stuck between 2 grown women who care more about themselves than you. No wonder She is lashing out a bit.

She's 14 - plenty of 14 year olds are nasty little shits, not sure why MN seems to put them on a pedestal.

At the end of the day, you're marrying the man, unfortunately you have to tolerate the baggage he comes with.

Doesn't mean you have to be bezzie buddies with her though.

The OP hasn't got the thread deleted.... clear to me why a 14 year old child would play up with the battle between the 2 mums goading each other on MN and the father who goes for women with this level of maturity

@googlegoggles - unless you know something I don't, there is no bating or goading going on. I have name changed and changed details to remain anonymous. Please keep your nasty comments to yourself.

I didn't disappear because people disagree, if i'd wanted unanimous approval I wouldn't have posted here. I am slightly bored of all of the mummies approving a badly behaved 14 year old and slating me simply for being a step mum. Yawn!

I, for one, am not "approving" what she did. But I'm a stepmum myself. You need to pick your battles. It's MUCH easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar. My DSD and I have a great relationship - possibly better than the one she has with her own mum.