To not want DSD2B to be a bridesmaid?

[Laybyloitering]

DP and I are due to marry later this year. We've been together four years and lived together for three. He has two children a boy and a girl. My DSD2B is 14 and I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her, I mean everything, but I've so far failed. I believe this could be down to her feeling guilty due to messages from her mum or it could be she just doesn't like me. I'm not the OW, her parents were separated for two years before I met DP. We get along Ok, have never had cross words but there's a general uncomfortable feeling between us.

When we announced our engagement she asked her dad if she could be his bridesmaid!? She didn't speak to me, but I said she could be my bridesmaid and we tried to make plans. They ended up being awkward and uncomfortable but we're persevering.

Last week I found out she's been bad mouthing me to her mum. Her mum posted this on here! I know her user name and she knows I know it, it's her way of making sly digs at me. I haven't a clue why as I have never done anything to harm DP's ex.

I checked with a friend of a friend and she confirmed that DSD has been quite unkind about me on several occasions.

I don't want DSD as bridesmaid, she will obviously come to the wedding and can have a role as her dad's attendant but AIBU to not want her to join me and my best friends and family as a bridesmaid when she has been so nasty?

You were a teenager once. But you have never been a parent.

Parents have to play the long game. The particular piece of behaviour isn't the important thing. What is important is the child's self-worth, the quality of your relationship with them, the bond between you, and the modeling of behaviours you want. This is the same if it's a three yo telling you they hate you because you turned off the TV or a 14 yo trying to please their DM in unhealthy ways. It's ALL about the child. He is a father and hopefully knows this.

So you model calm, emotional stability, appropriate reactions to things. You don't cut a child out of the wedding party to teach them a lesson. You be what you would like to see in her. She's already getting a shitty role model from her mother so yours needs to be twice as good.

She has a choice, be nasty or try to be nice.

You're the adult - take your own good advice.

You have made her sound nasty.
Try to empathise with a girl who is worried about losing her father. From what you've described her home life is pretty tense atm. Having her as bridesmaid might show her you're making an effort to include her in her father's new life. She will definitely have picked up that you find her hard work.

I feel pretty sure that the wedding will be off when the guy realises his daughter has been demoted from bridesmaid. Its pretty symbolic.

It’s sad to say OP, but I think you’ve made your mind up already. I say sad, not because I think yabu. Sad, because no matter what you’re DH says now, there will be a tiny part of him that feels let down by the woman he loves. And you’re going to give your dsd and her Mum (and others) a stick they can beat DH and you with forever. You are proving that you’re “not a nice person”. Never mi d all the shit she’s given you. She’s 14. You’re a grown woman. Be generous. Welcome her, involve her and if she’s still unhappy (my guess is, she will be, and for some time yet cause she’s a kid 😐) then you’ve done your bit. No one can sling mud in your direction.

Plus side? It might just be the beginning of a better relationship between the two of you.

I speak from YEARS of experience. Trust me, OP.

I confess that I haven't read the full thread (sorry) but has someone pointed out that there is a pretty high chance that DSD has done no such thing and the EW is just causing trouble?

Have you actually had a proper cards on table talk with this girl? Have you told her you understand and want to make things work? Everything Pocket said. If you sack her your relationship is doomed.

@AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy spot on.

I had years of distress with my DSD but i never gave up trying ... it was worth it because ultimately it saved the relationship between my DH and DSD.

I completely understand how angry and upset you are - but you know deep down you can’t disinvite her to be a bridesmaid, because of the long term damage. I also find when it comes to DH’s family, it’s best to not push for anything drastic where he might turn around in a few years if things have gone wrong and blame you! I wouldn’t ignore the situation though, I would have her sit down with DH and you and say “Susan, do you actually WANT to be our bridesmaid? We’ve heard that you said XYZ and it does not sound as though you want to be involved”. Hopefully, she does want to be involved and it might get her to buck up her ideas. If she doesn’t want to and wants to strop out of it then it’s her idea and you have done nothing wrong/don’t have to deal with a sulky bridesmaid all day.

Could you possibly sit her down (you and dp) and talk to her gently.
Let her know that you know she's unhappy with the wedding and question whether she wants to be part of it, given what she's been saying.
A good compromise might be suggesting she's a "grooms woman" rather than a bridesmaid. Still have a nice dress (or a suit if she'd like that) and stand with her dad.
Then she'll be supporting her dad, rather than you. She won't have to get ready etc with you - easier for her and less chance she'll ruin your day.

^ like crispy said

I think these are twice separate issues and that your DSD probably feels the same way.

At 14, I would imagine she’s excited about being a bridesmaid especially as she asked. And I would take the fact she asked as a huge positive.

Then deal with the bad mouthing separately. Because she’s probably also feeling very conflicted about her DF having a new family, marriage or not. Just be a kind and loving stepmum and give your relationship room to grow and flourish. Because the likelihood is it will and that in ten years time you’ll be great friends.

But don’t exclude her from the wedding party. That’s a punishment that doesn’t fit the ‘crime’ and will undo any progress you have made in your relationship with her.

I’m slightly thrown by the logic that it’s apparently totally unacceptable that she vented (as far as she was aware) in confidence to her mother, who she should be able to trust, and that’s totally unforgiveable, but the OP is completely in the right to slag this poor girl off to thousands of strangers on the internet, on a forum she knows her SD’s DM reads. This isn’t exactly a situation which the DM won’t be able to recognise – her ex is getting married soon, SM doesn’t like her DD, DD has been stressed at her recently and she posted on MN about it.

I really hope this girl’s DF has his DD’s back.

God no way can you stop her being a bridesmaid now. She's 14 and she's in an incredibly difficult situation, she knows her mum wants to hear nasty things about you and she's obliging to a certain extent.

I also agree with Whatzat298. DSD just ranted to her mum supposedly in private, it's not her fault her DM blasted it all over the internet. It's also likely the exW will read this thread and tell DSD about it hoping to turn her daughter against OP. It seems ill advised to post it. Poor DSD!

My 13 y/o niece was my bridesmaid despite moaning constantly about what she had to wear (her mum's choice not mine!), repeatedly changing her mind about whether or not she wanted to be a bridesmaid, complaining that our wedding was "stupid" and telling my DH she didn't even want to GO. She didn't do that because she hates me. She did it because she's 13 and hates herself and is confused and unhappy and hormonal. Surely you can see that not only is your STBDSD dealing with all that, she's also dealing with a Mum who doesn't want her to get on with her SM and is deliberately antagonising the situation?

She's a child. You're the adult. Behave like one. Or you'll never foster a relationship with her.

As an aside, my niece was delighted to be a bridesmaid on the day, had a fantastic time, still wears the bridesmaid bangle we got her and regularly talks about how much fun it was. On top of that, when I walked into the vestry and saw her beaming happily at me it was one of the best moments of my whole wedding.

She'll be devastated if you sack her as bridesmaid.

Sounds like the mum is jealous and is doing her best to wreck things. Don't let her.

People, including her mum, have been telling you nasty things about her, but if you're going to remove her as a bridesmaid I think you owe it to her to have a face to face conversation about what she's allegedly been saying.

If anyone ever tries to tell me something someone's said behind my back, I always say 'If they want me to know what they think, they'll tell me themselves'. Just something I've learnt along the way - people rarely do this to benefit anyone but themselves.

Does she want to be your bridesmaid? I can't see anywhere that you've actually asked her. You just told her she could be your bridesmaid.

So, ask her. Have a proper conversation. Clear the air. Be the adult and listen to her with no hard feelings whatever she says. Make it clear you do want her to be your BM but only if she wants to. If she'd prefer to take a different role in the wedding you wouldn't be hurt but you would love her to take that special role for you if she feels happy to do it.

She's whinged to her mum and then her mum has used it as a stick to beat you with. And you are playing straight in to her hands you fool.

Do the opposite from what the mum is expecting - tell your stepdaughter you know that this must be difficult but you are pleased she'll be there etc etc. And ask if there are specific problems that you can help fix. Let her be bridesmaid (if that's what she still wants) and do as much or as little as you agree.

You taking umbrage at a kid facing life changes (imposed on them) and managing an upset/bitter/whatever parent is just a bit shit - you can do better than that.

FGS, you're the adult and she's a child. You need to grow up.

Not letting her be your bridesmaid is likely to have repercussions for your future relationship with this child. If you want to repair/improve your relationship with her then let her be bridesmaid.

She will always remember if you don't.

And being a 14 year old does not in any way prepare you for being a parent of one.

Until you came along she probably thought her mum and dad would get back together, and she probably thinks that if you weren't around they would still be able to be a family again, that's what a teenage girl who's parents have separated wants. Pushing her further away is not going to teach her anything except that she is right and your the problem, try and understand her, ask her how she feels and reassure her that your not gonna come between her and her father, a gentler approach might yield a better response.

Be the adult - she is a teenager !

Is it possible that the mum has over exaggerated? So "Layby was so grumpy this weekend" was publicly replaced by "Layby is a permanently miserable bitch" etc

Have you ever moaned about a family member or work colleague OP? Be angry with the mum for gloating not at dsd for venting,

Of course you're being unreasonable! Be the bigger person, she's 14, having a hard time dealing with a new woman in her life now taking a very big step with her dad. Take her out for a coffee and cake or for ice cream or something and have a heart to heart with her, she's old enough to be mature and be spoken to appropriately and explained to that her actions hurt, but that you do love her, you do respect her and you do want her to be a part of the wedding. reach out. Give her a small task to be in charge of maybe such as choosing jewellery for the bridesmaids. She probably wants to feel like she belongs, and trust me - she's sensing the hostility from you, and will only go on a defence and give it straight back ten fold.

I speak from experience.

YABU. You need to rise above this. She’s a child. Her mother should never have posted on here knowing you would likely see it. She was unreasonable for doing that.

I don’t understand why she wasn’t able to be her dads groomsmaid (or something along those lines) in the first place. Why wasn’t she his groomsmaid?