Who should get up early with toddler

[Babynonamee]

I genuinely don't know what is fair.

We have DS1 (18 months) and DS2 (6 weeks)
My DH works full time 8:30-4pm Mon-Fri. I am on maternity leave.

I am up 2-3 times per night feeding the newborn baby (he's pretty good baby to be honest).
Our toddler wakes up between 5am and 6:30 am. And is occasionally up during the night.

Who should get up with the toddler early in the morning? Me who had had a disturbed night sleep every night, or DH who has work all day (he leaves At 8am)?

Also- on the rare occasion toddler wakes during the night, who should be the one to go to him and settle him? (It can take 1-2 hours to settle him)

DH thinks I should as he works. AIBU to think he should? As I am up every night with newborn... Or at least we should take it in turns?

Also I’ve been a LP since DS was 9 months. Went back to work in high pressure creative office based job at 12 months. Still breastfeeding and coslesping, up minimum 6 times a night until recently (he’s a terrible sleeper).

I’m often tired at work- but able to function very well. A full weekend day with DS and I’m on my knees by 2.30pm though.

We currently take it in turns and that will be the same when DC2 comes along.

Our 4yo is up at 5.45-6.15 every day. DH and I have adjusted our bedtimes accordingly.
Entertaining a toddler all day is knackering enough without sleep deprivation and another DC added.

Also I think it’s worth reminding him that looking after two very young dcs is HARD WORK (has ever been left in his own with them for any length of time? Or even just the older one?) and that you need to be in the ball too.
And that, if he was paying someone to look after his dcs, he wouldn’t accept that they weren’t up to the job because they are tired. So let’s wouod leave dc in front of the tv because can’t be bothered, wouod t be in the ball safety wise etc...
So why would it be ok for you, as the mother?

I agree if there is a significant difference in how each partner deals with sleep deprivation that should be taken into consideration. Also agree if the person going out to work is going to perform surgery or similar then they should have an unbrokennights sleep beforehand!

But looking after another life completely dependent on you needs a bloody good nights sleep.

I won’t put it here but I remember a terrible incident when I was pregnant where a mother desperate for sleep just fell asleep during the day with tragic consequences. She was doing both day and night shift and it cost lives.

@TheSheepofWallSt
Yes the old chestnut of "what if he gets fired because he falls asleep after virtually a full night of sleep" has made my blood pressure rise further.

Also the smug "why don't you swap roles and bring home the bacon", clearly implying OP obviously has it so much easier so how dare she moans... Ignorant, misguided and manipulative.

Those suggesting splitting the lie ins based on weekdays/weekends ignore the fact that this solution is crap for the OP who by Wednesday would be dead on her feet.

I just cannot get over how little regard people have for the wellbeing of mothers caring for such young children.

He has an office job 15 minutes away. He’s not a brain surgeon working a 60 hour week. He can sort the toddler. You do the baby.

You should be doing it.

YABU to call working 8.30-4 (or even 8-4.30 with commute) a full time job this is all I was thinking when I read the post!

@bumpity

I’m off. This thread is making me furious.

OP- tell your lazy fucker of a husband to get the fuck out of bed with the toddler on a morning, and to do it gladly. Your job as a mother (and it IS a job) of a newborn is hard bloody work. A toddler is hard bloody work. And you’re on call 24/7. He can give you that couple of hours grace on a morning, surely? Or does he love that bit of sleep and selfishness more than he loves you?

Also the smug "why don't you swap roles and bring home the bacon", clearly implying OP obviously has it so much easier so how dare she moans... Ignorant, misguided and manipulative.

It's a good question though, and I am willing to bet that 95% of mothers of babies/ toddlers/ young children complaining about how they 'have to do everything' would not swap places with their DH and go out to do paid employment (whilst the DH stays at home...)

You can call it smug and misguided and manipulative blah blah blah, but the poster who said that/asked that has a good point. Many women are more than happy to be SAHMs.... and would not want to switch places with their husband/partner. That's a fact.

How is 8.5 hours a day not considered full time work.

This post is becoming insane with some ridiculous views

If this was happening in my house husband would get up with toddler, 5-6.30 isn't that early when he needs to be at work for 8am

@UserV

"Fact" you say. Excellent. Where's your robust peer reviewed evidence that proves such a "fact"? Or is this actually your opinion...

He should. Absolutely every day. Why should you run yourself ragged? You’re breast feeding as well. That’s very tiring. Especially as you don’t get a daytime nap or one night of undisturbed sleep. Most fathers these days absolutely will do this these days.

It’s not the 1950’s anymore, where women are supposed to be superhuman, babies left to scream for hours on end, fed every 4 hours regardless, mother’s encouraged to bottle feed and wean at 6 weeks.

I have a 16 month old and a 7 week old...

Unless he has a job that it is essential that he is fully rested e.g. a surgeon...then without a doubt HE should be getting up with the toddler, and dealing with any night waking from the toddler.

It's 2018...when are men going to realize that their idea that the woman does ALL night time parenting is insane and unfair. You BOTH had a baby, you are BOTH still parents during the night, and therefore it should be tackled equally and as a team. He might work, but so do you.

I really feel for women who's men treat them like this. Dh works full time running his own business and would never dream of acting this way, everything is 50/50. In fact, he regularly does the night feeds as he prefers this over waking early to entertain a toddler.

@Bumpitybumper
Totally agree with this:
“I think sadly a lot of these types of responses are based on the age old assumption that a non-working person is inferior to a working person. It doesn't matter what the person who hasn't been at work has dealt with in their day, how they are struggling or the fact that the compound impact of sleep deprivation is absolutely horrific, there is still a prevailing wisdom that a working partner must be given priority. This seems particularly cruel when women are often still trying to deal with the aftermath of pregnancy and childbirth, battling to breastfeed and potentially contending with the post birth hormonal rollercoaster that can plummet mothers into PND. This is a clearly a very vulnerable group of people and yet burdening them with terrible levels of sleep deprivation seems totally acceptable because they don't have to go out to work.”

PMSL at the people making out 8.30 til 4pm isn't 'full time.' Of course it fucking is! Or do all you people do 60 hour weeks and 4 hour round-trip commutes PMSL???!!!

It would be a different story if it was a WOMAN/MOTHER doing these hours!

Bumpity. Don't talk parp. Almost ALL SAHMs would not switch places with their DH and go out to work. No way!

Mat leave isn't all shits and giggles though is it?!

I probably did more night stuff but husband more inclined to get up an hour or two early, particularly if he knew I'd had broken sleep throughout the night.

Sleep deprivation is no joke and is the one thing putting us off trying for a second kid!

If your husband finds it so difficult to get up a couple of hours early then he needs to get himself to bed a couple of hours early!

@honeyishrunkthekid

How is 8.5 hours a day not considered full time work.

This site is becoming insane with some ridiculous views.

I know. This site is batshit sometimes!

@userV

I work a 60 hour week. No commute though, and a third of it from home, unpaid, as I’m in project work. And I’m STILL doing the toddler get ups, and breastfeeding, and active parenting every second I’m not
working.

If I can do it, her hubs can do it.

And now I’m definitely away. There smell of bullshit is choking me.

He should of course do the toddler!! WTF is wrong with people suggesting otherwise. Working FT does not give you a God given sacrosanct right to undisturbed sleep when you have 2 kids.

Well I’m never showing my DH this!

We have a toddler and a baby. My DH gets up every morning with them, although it’s rately before 6.30 and let’s me have an extra hour in bed before he leaves for work. I do all the night wakings, week days and weekends. Weekends we take one lie in day each.

I would literally be so angry with my DH if he thought that getting up an hour earlier than normal was comparible to getting up through the night. In fact we did have this discussion once we he thought he was getting a hard deal when our toddler was a baby. He very quickly decided that he’d rather get up early than have broken sleep.

Also my DH works later so rarely sees the kids after work, so his hour on a morning is the only time he sees them.

He should be doing all of them during the week. Unquestionably. There is no way you should be doing it. Take it in turns at weekends.