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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should get up early with toddler

226 replies

Babynonamee · 04/06/2018 19:23

I genuinely don't know what is fair.

We have DS1 (18 months) and DS2 (6 weeks)
My DH works full time 8:30-4pm Mon-Fri. I am on maternity leave.

I am up 2-3 times per night feeding the newborn baby (he's pretty good baby to be honest).
Our toddler wakes up between 5am and 6:30 am. And is occasionally up during the night.

Who should get up with the toddler early in the morning? Me who had had a disturbed night sleep every night, or DH who has work all day (he leaves At 8am)?

Also- on the rare occasion toddler wakes during the night, who should be the one to go to him and settle him? (It can take 1-2 hours to settle him)

DH thinks I should as he works. AIBU to think he should? As I am up every night with newborn... Or at least we should take it in turns?

OP posts:

midnightmisssuki · 04/06/2018 19:35

You - sorry. I work full time and my husband works from home so he has done all the night shifts and also wakes up with both children (I have a 4 year old and a 18 month) I cannot have broken sleep as i have meetings first thing in the morning (8am).

ZaphodBeeblerox · 04/06/2018 19:36

YABU to call working 8.30-4 (or even 8-4.30 with commute) a full time job. He should go to bed early and wake up at 5 to do all the morning wake ups. Or let you go to bed early leaving him with formula or expressed milk and do all the feeds till 1 am.

cadburyegg · 04/06/2018 19:37

YANBU

We have a 3yo and baby, luckily 3yo doesn’t get up til 6-7ish but DH gets up in the night with him even when he’s got work the next day.

I bet his job isn’t as hard as yours right now

Tobebythesea · 04/06/2018 19:38

He should get up earlier with the toddler and go to bed earlier. You’ve been up with the baby.

WineGummyBear · 04/06/2018 19:39

I reckon he should do mornings from a certain time, eg 5.30.

Bumpitybumper · 04/06/2018 19:41

Definitely him.

All those posters saying it should be you astound me. Being at home with two children those ages is absolutely relentless and unless your DH is in a line of work that requires absolute concentration then he should be taking the hit with the sleep too. His performance might be compromised slightly but that's what most working parents face when they have a non sleeping toddler. You are on maternity leave not matyr leave.

Also don't get me started on the "I did all the night/early wakings/survived on absolutely no sleep when on maternity leave so you must too" brigade. The fact they chose to put themselves through that and their partners were happy to go along with it is completely irrelevant to what is equitable, sensible and in some cases safe. I would not have been happy to leave my two DC at those ages alone with a nanny that was as sleep deprived as OP would be if she attended to a toddler and newborn in the night so why is this situation suddenly ok because OP is the children's mother? I can understand single parents etc where there is no choice but this isn't the case here.

Original poster

Babynonamee · 04/06/2018 19:41

A complete mix of replies.
I think it would be fair to take it in turns in the morning.
When my newborn is sleeping better (hopefully around 6 months) then I will of course be happy to do early morning toddler wake ups. But right now I'm exhausted from waking every 2-3 hours with newborn)

The day time is hard work. DS1 is nearly 18momths and is a bit of a rascal...I think DH thinks it's easy being home all day...

I do appreciate 2-3 wake ups isn't horrendous. But sometimes he does wake up 4-6 times on bad nights...

I don't feel I can insist he does mornings though.

OP posts:

PiggyPoos · 04/06/2018 19:42

It's not broken sleep it's getting up earlier than usual. If he went to bed at 10 he'd still have 7 hours.

If OP does all the baby and all the toddler every night she will be on her knees in no time.,

blackteasplease · 04/06/2018 19:42

Im astounded anyone has said you. Why on earth should op stagger on absolutely shattered (unlikely she gets day time naps with a toddler as well as a newborn) while he gets his total fill of sleep? Why is his work more valuable than hers?

It's just as dangerous to be utterly sleep deprived in charge of two little ones as in most jobs! More so if he has an office job or similar.

PiggyPoos · 04/06/2018 19:43

Agree Blacktea.

starsuniteonceagain · 04/06/2018 19:43

You the nights and your partner in the morning. Won't kill him to wake up a little earlier on a morning.

WittyJack · 04/06/2018 19:44

I work and DP gets up with the toddler if she's up early or crying in the night. Weekends we tend to split it - he usually gets up early, but then I take the kids out in the afternoon for a few hours and he has a rest.

afrikat · 04/06/2018 19:45

You take care of baby. He takes care of toddler. Does he ever look after both on his own all day? If not I would arrange for him to do that asap if possible so he knows how hard it is

Steeley113 · 04/06/2018 19:47

If you can, try and treat it like a night waking when he wakes early! No getting out of bed before 7am here I always resettle them, even if it takes me to 6.45! Once that’s ingrained, no one will need to get up early

Bananarama12 · 04/06/2018 19:47

I say he should do toddler nights and mornings until newborn is sleeping better. You both agreed to have these children I assume - therefore he needs to do his fair share.
Yes you're partner works, but so do you.

Original poster

Babynonamee · 04/06/2018 19:48

Toddler rarely wakes up (maybe once a fortnight). Its the early start that's the issue really.

For those asking what his job is. It is semi office based. (Can't really say without being specific) and has a 15 mins drive to work.

He will begrudgingly get up in morning but he makes me feel as though I'm being lazy as I "get to stay home and do fun things all day".

OP posts:

kubex · 04/06/2018 19:48

During the week when your DH is at home, you should be the one who settles the children in the night and gets up early with DS1.

Then during the weekend, you should do 1 day each, so you both have a lay in and time to recharge.

Simple!

KMoKMo · 04/06/2018 19:49

I’m shocked people are saying you too! Where is DS1 all day? Nursery or with you? Do you have any opportunity to sleep in the day?
I have a 4 month old and a 3.5 year old. DH gets up with the 3.5 year old anytime from 5.30, gets her ready and takes her to nursery.
I am still up 3 times in the night with the baby so not getting more than about 3 hours sleep in a row.
DD1 isn’t at nursery every day but I can sleep when she is.
I’d say he needs to accept he goes to bed earlier for the short term until your baby is more settled and you can do a bit more.
You’re a team and his job doesn’t trump yours. And I say that with a husband who has a pressured, demanding and emotionally draining job!

Agent13 · 04/06/2018 19:49

I think he should - you’re dealing with a baby all night. I never understand this idea of the working parent doesn’t have to do any parenting or night time stuff or early mornings. In our house it’s a team effort.

oblada · 04/06/2018 19:50

My husband took over completely the night waking of our other kids when I had a newborn to deal with. And he usually deals with early morning waking if he's around. Maternity leave or not that's besides the point. Maternity leave isn't an extended holiday and you have to look after the kids all day which is not necessarily hard but certainly on par with many office jobs in my view.

iamyourequal · 04/06/2018 19:50

I think you should probably share the early mornings, unless you are getting the opportunity to take a day time nap to make up some sleep.. I think a better solution would be to do all in your power to stop your toddler waking so early. Put him to bed later and later and buy 100% blackout blinds and really thick curtains.

Bananarama12 · 04/06/2018 19:50

Your* oops

KMoKMo · 04/06/2018 19:50

@Babynonamee are you breastfeeding? Can you arrange a day out this weekend and leave him with both of them ‘to do fun things’ all day. See how long he lasts!

RedLemonade · 04/06/2018 19:50

Totally agree with blacktea.

When I was on mat leave I did nights with the baby (every two hours at least and often up for 1-2 hours at a time with her) and DH took on toddlers very occasional wakes. He then got up for the crack of dawn (5/6am) starts with toddler and I got an hour or so of protected sleep. I’d then take over and he’d often do a quick 20 min snooze, shower, and off to work for 9ish.

Sleep deprivation is cruel. No way could I cope with the two of them after no sleep. And DH is a doctor if that makes any odds, as am I. We’re both all too aware of the riskiness of working (and damn right that includes taking care of young children) while exhausted.

Original poster

Babynonamee · 04/06/2018 19:50

steely how do you do that?
Do you think 18months is too young to understand "no getting up before 7am"
I thought about getting a growclock. (Changes colour at the 'acceptable' time they are allowed to get out of bed) but I don't think DS1 will understand that yet?

OP posts:

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