Who should get up early with toddler

[Babynonamee]

I genuinely don't know what is fair.

We have DS1 (18 months) and DS2 (6 weeks)
My DH works full time 8:30-4pm Mon-Fri. I am on maternity leave.

I am up 2-3 times per night feeding the newborn baby (he's pretty good baby to be honest).
Our toddler wakes up between 5am and 6:30 am. And is occasionally up during the night.

Who should get up with the toddler early in the morning? Me who had had a disturbed night sleep every night, or DH who has work all day (he leaves At 8am)?

Also- on the rare occasion toddler wakes during the night, who should be the one to go to him and settle him? (It can take 1-2 hours to settle him)

DH thinks I should as he works. AIBU to think he should? As I am up every night with newborn... Or at least we should take it in turns?

You should share the early morning wakings IMO.

Just wanted to remind you though that this phase won't last forever! You'll move on to a new pattern (& problem!) soon.

Split evenly. Never understand the attitude of husbands getting off scot free when they are at work. You are working too, and the potential consequences of you slipping up in your ‘job’ due to tiredness are a lot more severe than the consequences of him making a mistake.
As someone who has been a working mum and SAHM, it’s easier mentally to go to work sleep deprived than to look after an infant or toddler on no sleep.

Like other ppl say, can you arrange a day where you do nothing except breastfeed as needed, and he does everything else? Show him it's not just lazing around all day?

Chewbacca you are so very right. Thank you. In one year's time it should all be a little easier (in the sleep department that is!)

I must be spoilt as baby DS sleeps through but DP gets up with him 6 mornings out of 7!
He says it’s hard work having baby all day long and it’s no hardship for him to get up an hour earlier for work so likes me to have a little ‘me’ time every morning - just to read/browse internet and chill. He enjoys the bonding too!

I'm not sure this thread is good for my health as the more I read the posts that you should be doing all the night wakings and early get ups the angrier I am becoming.

Why should OP be subject to this level of sleep deprivation? The only reasons I can think of are:

• people think working FT is automatically harder than being at home with children these ages. I can tell you from bitter experience that this simply isn't true and honestly trying the find the patience alongside the physical and mental stamina to parent a newborn and toddler effectively is really really hard. I imagine doing some FT jobs sleep deprived is also really really hard too but I honestly think a lot of jobs (not all) are easier to manage on broken sleep.
• OP can catch up on the broken sleep in the day with a toddler and newborn. Hahaha

I'm not sure I can think of any other possible justification other than the above. I think sadly a lot of these types of responses are based on the age old assumption that a non-working person is inferior to a working person. It doesn't matter what the person who hasn't been at work has dealt with in their day, how they are struggling or the fact that the compound impact of sleep deprivation is absolutely horrific, there is still a prevailing wisdom that a working partner must be given priority. This seems particularly cruel when women are often still trying to deal with the aftermath of pregnancy and childbirth, battling to breastfeed and potentially contending with the post birth hormonal rollercoaster that can plummet mothers into PND. This is a clearly a very vulnerable group of people and yet burdening them with terrible levels of sleep deprivation seems totally acceptable because they don't have to go out to work.

If you are doing wake ups then he should get up early. Looking after a baby is hard work! I’m not sure why you are expected by the mumsnet jury to have so little sleep

Bumpity! You said what I was thinking. And I’m saying this as a mother who was rarely up during the night (so I’m not projecting myself into this situation)

wowbutter

Because he is the one going to work to ensure that there is a roof over their heads, bills being paid etc.
Maybe the OP should swap roles with the husband and be the one that brings home the bacon.
Why can't the husband take the weekend shift, whilst the OP have two mornings undisturbed - that seems fair.
Sleep deprivation whilst working is no joke. It's not as if this is his company. Maybe if the husband gets fired for sleeping on the job, we will see the OP back on here asking how will they cope with 2 children and husband not working.

I think the attitude that the person who leaves the house to work does little or nothing in the way of childcare is from generations past.

MIL and FIL (not even that old, 60s, but a generation behind with their old fashioned thinking) were shocked that DH shared the care for his son lol!

Your DH should get up with him at 5:30 or 6.

He can go to bed at 10 and still get a decent night's sleep; you can't.

God I'm not showing this thread to my dh!

I'm due in 13 days and I have suggested and he has agreed that he will get up with ds1 and wake me at 7 since I'll be up in the night with new dd.

530-6 isn't that early if he has to leave at 8!
And you need to entertain your toddler all day.

The only thing that would make me reconsider is if his job is highly skilled (brain surgery or something) or driving all day I suppose. But even then he could share - maybe every other day?

You in the week. Your husband at weekends.

Completely agree with Bumpity! If you're getting up 2/3/4 times a night with a baby then getting up to start the day at 5pm you'd be dying! When my baby would wake up several times a night for an hour + then he'd wake up at 3:30 FOR THE DAY it was torture. We made a rule: anything after 5am was DH problem. This way we made it through, we were both working at the time plus it was only an hour before he normally gets up anyway

I got up with the baby and DH did early morning with toddler. Even now he gets up with them. He’s our the house 730-7 every day so I do bath and bed and everything in between

You’re on maternity leave to be maternal full time. He brings home the bacon, that’s his job. Put the toddler to bed later after wearing him/her out during the day.

On what fucking planet is going out to work harder than being at home with a baby and a toddler. You have broken nights, he gets up in the morning. Having a kid involves being tired and he should suck it up.

I got up with both and was knackered constantly but DH worked long hours in a challenging job as well as sitting professional exams at the time. If your DH is working 8-4 with no work outside of that then he should get up!

So many people with antiquated views on here! “The husband will get sacked” because he only has seven hours sleep. Good lord lol!

This thread is utter bobbins, for the most part.

This bs about “he can’t do his job tired, what if he falls asleep on the job?”

What if this poor woman is breastfeeding, and so utterly fucked from sleep deprivation, she falls asleep on the baby?

You get up during week and he gets up during weekend.
He gets up with toddler on rare occasion he wakes.

Actually I think it depends on how your u and him deal with the lack of sleep.

We’ve always done 50/50with the dcs even when in ML because I KNOW I dint deal with the lack of sleep well. I need lots of sleep at the best of time (9~10hours is what works for me) and a year of sleeping less (about 8 hours) had sent over the edge before having children.

What we also have done is for me to go to bed early and DH done the ‘late shift’ as he can cope with late nights when I can’t (but can fall asleep at 8.30pm when I’m tired when he can’t).

In effect working with our strengths and weaknesses to find a system that worked for both of us.
I would say though that, even if you do get up during the week with both dcs, then he should do the same on Friday and Saturday nights (no work so no reasons not to do it)

I think he should get up with the toddler! You are doing a lot of night feeds and then dealing with a toddler and baby all day every day. A slightly early start shouldn’t affect your DHs job! He can get to bed early if it’s really an issue. If your DH is anything like mine then he’ll get up, stick the telly on for toddler and then doze on the sofa! I think you’re doing enough OP.

I would say he is responsible for toddler depending on when he wakes and whether you've been up or not with baby.

Surely DH would need to be up about 6.30am anyway so getting up a little early shouldn't be to much of a hardship. In theory you have a chance to nap during the day (:o :o :o) and he doesn't and he's also the only earner so can't risk losing his job by falling asleep, though you could argue that in terms of consequences, the risk to your DC of you falling asleep are greater.

Weekends you each have a turn each. If he isn't getting up until 7ish and leaving the through the night and early rises to you, then it's fair that he allows you to get to bed early and deals with settling both DC and any wakings until midnight/1ish which still gives him around 7 hours sleep.

I think he should. You are dealing with the baby. He deals with the toddler. You get to have them both all day while he goes to work. I have a 15 month and almost 3 yr old and work part time. My work days, even though I do a mentally stressful job, are restful in comparison to my home days.