Who should get up early with toddler

[Babynonamee]

I genuinely don't know what is fair.

We have DS1 (18 months) and DS2 (6 weeks)
My DH works full time 8:30-4pm Mon-Fri. I am on maternity leave.

I am up 2-3 times per night feeding the newborn baby (he's pretty good baby to be honest).
Our toddler wakes up between 5am and 6:30 am. And is occasionally up during the night.

Who should get up with the toddler early in the morning? Me who had had a disturbed night sleep every night, or DH who has work all day (he leaves At 8am)?

Also- on the rare occasion toddler wakes during the night, who should be the one to go to him and settle him? (It can take 1-2 hours to settle him)

DH thinks I should as he works. AIBU to think he should? As I am up every night with newborn... Or at least we should take it in turns?

If you are a full time carer for your children then you both work full time.

So, take it in turns to get up early. We did two days on and two days off to get a chance for a proper rest.

Also, go to bed as early as you can when it’s your turn to be up!

You are not being unreasonable
Maybe he doesn't get up at 5 every morning, but 5am is definitely morning.
If he gets to sleep for 10pm that's 7 hours sleep.
When did you last have 7 hours sleep??

The odd night wake up with toddler I suspect you just need to play it by ear and sort of take turns

We both work full time but odd hours. I do all night wakes (my choice, it just works for us) with our nearly 4 year old (who has only just about started sleeping through ish the last few weeks.
But we both get up early in the mornings depending on our shifts.
Morning for us starts from 5.30.
Sometimes it's a bit later, but Mondays I do drop off at childminders at 8am, OH leaves the house at 6.30. Tues to Friday I leave at 6.30 to start at 7am so OH is up from 5.30-6ish.
OH works every other weekend, again leaving the house at 6.30.

The weekends he is off we try tobalance doing things as a family, with trying to get some rest. He might sleep later one day, but not expect it. I might try sneaking back for a nap after breakfast.
I'm 22 weeks pregnant so that's what I did this weekend!

It's unfair for him to expect having children to have no impact on his day.

The person not working should do the night waking but given he doesn't exactly work full time there's no reason he can't get up in the mornings with the toddler. If his hours were full in it would be different but those are practically school hours.

Why does he get a full nights sleep, and no childcare?
I consider his job is part time? It's seven hours a day, with a lunch break. That's 35 hours a week.
My husband works 40 hours a week and does half the night feeds with our newborn. We both have six hours each from 7-7am on a bad night of near constant screaming,

kmokmo yes I'm breastfeeding. I'm hesitant to give a bottle yet as it damaged my supply with my first baby when I started experimenting with bottles.

I think you should share it.

DD was bottle fed so we shared all night wakings, either taking the early or late shift as it were. Even now we take it in turns to put her to bed, deal with any (luckily rare) night wakings and get up in the morning with her. When DS arrives in October we have already discussed that we will do the same, the person not on baby duty will be on 3yo duty should she wake. We'll share it 50/50. He may be at work every day, but being at home with a newborn and preschooler will be relentless with no opportunity to nap in the day so we will share it all as evenly as possible.

“he makes me feel as though I'm being lazy as I "get to stay home and do fun things all day".”

WTF

Looking after two under two is really hard work, I know that and I only have one!

Clearly he’s never done it by himself. I suggest you let him look after them both all day one Saturday or Sunday. That should change his tune.

He definitely needs to do more, either his share of the night wakings with the newborn, or the early mornings with the toddler. One lie-in each at the weekend.

I would be really pissed off with him actually. Relentless broken sleep is no joke. No amount of napping makes up for sleeping no more than 2-3 hours at a stretch for months on end. And I doubt you can nap during the day anyway!

You do the night, newirn&toddler, he does the morning.

newborn

I think he should do the early, you should do the night.

If he's going to bed at 10 and getting at up 6am, that's 8 hours.

I'm up at 6am anyway for work and to get my kids ready for nursery. You've had disturbed nights and could do with a bit longer to be functioning.

What time does your toddler go to bed?
Is it possible to give him an extra half hour up so sleeps later? Would need to change it gradually.

I’m shocked someone has suggested just that “both of you get a lie in on the weekends”

FFS! OP will be catching up on sleep after being up half the night all week with a newborn then getting up super early with a toddler. Hardly a lie in

No. I don't get to nap during the day (That would be lovely! But no chance)

And yes, if he disagrees, switch for one weekend: Friday and Saturday night he does the night / you do the morning, and Sat he looks after them on his own. I wonder how fun and easy he finds the day after being up all night...

We organised it so I was responsible for anything between 12 and 6, that meant that DH got a solid 6 hours sleep. He looked after the DC in the evenings if they woke, and in the morning until he went to work at around 8. At the weekend we have one lie in each.

He will begrudgingly get up in morning but he makes me feel as though I'm being lazy as I "get to stay home and do fun things all day".

Bullshit, he’s being a dick. Each and every time the baby/toddler is up in the night, wake him, even if he’s not helping. Break his sleep for a week at a time and see how quickly he changes his tune. DP was working 16 hour days when ours were tiny (older DS and two babies with 11 month gap) and he would do his bit in the night if both got up at the same time or I was exhausted. Not because I had to ask, but because he’s not an arsehole and they’re his kids too.

Yes that’s fair enough but a shame you can’t give him a taste of just how hard it is. I’m really struggling having both of them. DD1 is hard work at the best of times and it’s a nightmare trying to remain calm on broken sleep.
I sometimes leave DH with them both in the day to escape for a sleep and I think he finds it harder than he cares to admit!

booellesmum I have tried pushing bed time back later 30 mins each night. But it doesn't seem to make a difference he still wakes up between 5 and 6:30

YABU to call working 8.30-4 (or even 8-4.30 with commute) a full time job.

What do you all consider full-time? Here, it's 40 hours a week, which will be something like 8-4:30, Monday-Friday, assuming a 30 minute unpaid lunch each day.

sodding unicorns wow 16 hour days and he still helped at night! You have a good'un

I just keep putting them back to bed until 7am. Deal with it exactly how you deal with a night waking. It does help if you do it from birth though, my 2nd dc never did early waking as I always treated anything before 7am as a night waking. My first dc used to have me up at 4/5am until I snapped and said enoughs enough when he was around 18months. My 8 week old currently thinks it’s morning at 5am and I just cuddle and put back down when quiet, I don’t speak or look at her. I’ll never be forced to watch Peppa pig at 5am ever again

Also my DD1 has only just grasped the concept of the groclock so it might be a bit early to try it.

I'm still outraged on your behalf. Why should you be functioning on absolutely no sleep when he is getting full nights.

Why can't he some mornings (3 minimum (weekdays)) get up at 5.30/6am
I don't understand.
I do this every weekday and get myself and 2 Pre-School kids out the house by 7.30am.

Split it between you, you're both busy so share it. Don't squabble over who's most tired, just be kind to each other and look for ways you could each get some down time. Let each other have one lie in each at the weekends.

He should. He leaves really late (8am) and only works til 4, and sounds like he gets full nights sleep. Least he can do is get up 90 mins before leaving for work!