Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should get up early with toddler

226 replies

Babynonamee · 04/06/2018 19:23

I genuinely don't know what is fair.

We have DS1 (18 months) and DS2 (6 weeks)
My DH works full time 8:30-4pm Mon-Fri. I am on maternity leave.

I am up 2-3 times per night feeding the newborn baby (he's pretty good baby to be honest).
Our toddler wakes up between 5am and 6:30 am. And is occasionally up during the night.

Who should get up with the toddler early in the morning? Me who had had a disturbed night sleep every night, or DH who has work all day (he leaves At 8am)?

Also- on the rare occasion toddler wakes during the night, who should be the one to go to him and settle him? (It can take 1-2 hours to settle him)

DH thinks I should as he works. AIBU to think he should? As I am up every night with newborn... Or at least we should take it in turns?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 06/06/2018 19:55

Lazy bugger

Definitely time for some expressed milk and a day out OP. He can stay home doing ‘fun thongs’ with his children.

In the short term however the toddler is his responsibility

Footballmumofthefuture · 06/06/2018 20:20

Him!

OneStepSideways · 06/06/2018 20:23

As he has to be out the house by 8:30, I'd say you should be doing early mornings during the week then taking turns at weekends, so you both get one lie in. Or could you compromise and he gets up with toddler, has breakfast with him, gets him dressed then hands him to you at 7am so he still has time to shower etc ready for work?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 06/06/2018 20:32

Haven't rtft but your dh should absolutely be doing the mornings! He can choose when he can sleep at night whereas your sleep is dictated by the baby!
Why should he necessarily get a lie on at the weekend? Do you get to not feed the baby at the weekend?

Jiggy16 · 06/06/2018 20:37

This annoys me, yes he leaves the house to go to work but u work too!! All day! With no individual breaks or a chance to zone out! Def tho k he should be helping out more with toddler, uve a baby all day and alll night to look after!

TotHappy · 07/06/2018 09:02

@OneStepSideways an hour and a half to get ready?! Surely between 5.30 and 8.30 he has plenty of time to eat breakfast, shower, shave and dress even with the toddler. I'm going to work this morning. I got up with baby, cooked us both breakfast, we're eating it and when i want a shower I'll put Hey Duggee on, scoot upstairs and leave the door open. What's so hard?!

He doesn't need to hand baby back to mum until 8.29, although bringing her a,cup of yea at 8.25 would be kind.

HariboBrenshnio · 07/06/2018 09:07

I think he should.

When my second was born, the eldest was 2 and an early riser/occasional night waker. I did baby, DH did toddler. It's a fair split. Yes he's working but most would agree that unless it's a very high stress job, being at home with 2 under 2 is harder. You have to be on the ball constantly and why should your job be 24 hours but he gets the work day break? My DH thankfully has always seen it as extra time with the kids because he misses them all day.

HariboBrenshnio · 07/06/2018 09:09

If he thinks you are at home having fun all day - book a weekend away or at least go out for a full day at the weekend. When I went back to work I worked Saturdays and DH got a good taste of what my week usually looked like.

qwertyuiopy · 07/06/2018 09:11

“He’s working” 🤬

We’re all fucking working! I don’t know any SAHM who just dossed on the sofa all day while her offspring taught and fended for themselves.

Sommelierrrr · 07/06/2018 09:14

I think he should.

And i think he should listen to you when you say youre exhausted with a new born baby.

Is he lazy and selfish in other respects op?

SweetCheeks1980 · 07/06/2018 09:17

You should because he has work.

C4Envelope · 07/06/2018 09:18

I think he should, 8-4 isn't exactly a long day. My resentment at having to do night wakings and early morning alongside 12hr shifts, 1hour commute added in, in a high stress job may be leaking out here... your up all day with the kids too anyway but he has the benefit of a full night sleep? No. Just no.

QueenOlives · 07/06/2018 09:24

Christ. You've got a 6wk old it's still the 4th trimester. You must still be recovering. He's a dick head thinking you should do it all.

08.30 to 4 is close to part time in my world.
Tell him to fricking get with the programme.

Go out for a day one weekend alone. He will get the idea pretty quick.

qwertyuiopy · 07/06/2018 09:26

SweetCheeks1980 You poor subservient soul.

CantankerousCamel · 07/06/2018 09:39

Husband does 8-5 every day and still gets up between 5.30-7am with infant... I don’t even have a toddler

Kilicat · 07/06/2018 09:40

We’ve got a 2 year old and five month baby. Dh does the toddler (night wakings and early mornings although he quite often sleeps until at least 6:30) and I deal with the baby. The baby often goes back to sleep for an hour in the morning and dh looks after the toddler so I can have a lie in at the weekends. He’s not had a lie in since the baby was born but hopefully the baby will start sleeping better so we can start sharing the weekend mornings! He’s never compliained and actively encourages this as he knows how tired I am.

danci · 07/06/2018 09:45

Not read the entire thread, but do you have black out blinds in the toddlers room to stop early wakings?

MrsElijahMikaelson · 07/06/2018 09:53

Do alternative mornings each.

My DP gets up with our DS at 6/7am when he was work 10am-8pm.

His children too.

Viola82 · 07/06/2018 09:55

He should. You do your bit

OneStepSideways · 07/06/2018 10:01

He doesn't need to hand baby back to mum until 8.29, although bringing her a,cup of yea at 8.25 would be kind

I think it's a bit harsh to deny him some alone time in the morning before work. My DH needs to 'get in the zone' before work (high pressured job that requires focus) so that little bit of time in the morning is the only chance he has to mentally prepare for the day ahead, as well as shower, shave, look through his timetable for the day, sometimes do a bit of prep for his first meeting.

Sleep deprivation is really awful (I've been there with the hourly waking baby) but it's temporary. Can you adjust their nap schedule/bedtime a bit so they both nap at the same time and you get a couple of hours sleep?

qwertyuiopy · 07/06/2018 10:08

He can “get in the zone” on the way to work ffs. Why does the one with the highest pressure job not get to get in the zone?

We use fitbits. I regularly have THREE times the amount of activity as DH in a day. And my job involves keeping another person alive.

Original poster
Babynonamee · 07/06/2018 11:24

I am still here! I've been reading all your comments. Very interesting how the thread shifted.

We do have black out blinds yes (two on my toddlers window!)

The suggestion about adjusting my DS1s nap time to get him to sleep later into the morning is a good one. I have done some research and I think he is getting too much nap time during the day (he has two 2 hour naps. Sometimes more... Shock) so I am going to try and shorten those. Although it's so tempting to leave him seeing as I get such little sleep at night time)

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/06/2018 11:44

Sleep deprivation is no joke. Sleep is essential

littlepeas · 07/06/2018 11:46

Definitely your dh, absolutely definitely. I’m really shocked by some of the attitudes on here! 5am - 6.30am isn’t even that early - he can easily still have a full 7/8 hours sleep if he goes to bed at a reasonable time.

littlepeas · 07/06/2018 11:49

Would suggest that those doing night wakings AND early mornings by choice are either martyrs or have been brainwashed by misogynists! Any man who thinks their partner should do all of the above without help is lazy and probably not very nice.