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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should get up early with toddler

226 replies

Babynonamee · 04/06/2018 19:23

I genuinely don't know what is fair.

We have DS1 (18 months) and DS2 (6 weeks)
My DH works full time 8:30-4pm Mon-Fri. I am on maternity leave.

I am up 2-3 times per night feeding the newborn baby (he's pretty good baby to be honest).
Our toddler wakes up between 5am and 6:30 am. And is occasionally up during the night.

Who should get up with the toddler early in the morning? Me who had had a disturbed night sleep every night, or DH who has work all day (he leaves At 8am)?

Also- on the rare occasion toddler wakes during the night, who should be the one to go to him and settle him? (It can take 1-2 hours to settle him)

DH thinks I should as he works. AIBU to think he should? As I am up every night with newborn... Or at least we should take it in turns?

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 04/06/2018 20:41

@UserV
Wonderful, as I thought... No evidence whatsoever.

Btw just to let you know, iif you are trying to wind me up by talking your "parp" then you have failed. The posts that actually make me irate are those where posters can't even see how skewed their perception is.

Gennz18 · 04/06/2018 20:41

I've worked FT since DS was 14 months, as has DH. he's now 3.5 and sure as hell hasn't slept perfectly 7-7 over that time. Would have made for an interesting marriage dynamic if both of us claimed we couldn't get up & insisted our office jobs demanded unbroken sleep 🙄

UserV · 04/06/2018 20:43

@thesheepofwallstreet

I work a 60 hour week.

BULLY FOR YOU

PMSL, how predictable!!! I fucking KNEW someone would come on here and make this claim. And you do all the childcare too, breastfeeding and EVERYthing??? Amazing how you manage all this when you work 60 hours a week, (not including travelling time!) Wink

FULL TIME is 35 hours or more a week. Get over it.

www.gov.uk/part-time-worker-rights

If you DO work that many hours, (60 a week) that doesn't make you any better than people who work ONLY 35 hours a week!

I get sick of this 'I work 100 hours a week so I am better than you bollocks!' Hmm

mindutopia · 04/06/2018 20:44

We have a 3 month old and a 5 year old. Since our 2nd was born, I haven’t gotten up once in the night or in the morning with our older one. We each take one. Baby is bf so I do everything at night with him. My dh gets up anytime during the night with our 5 year old and does everything in the morning with her, especially if baby and I are still sleeping. I do the school run but everything up to and including getting her in the car each morning he does. My job is school runs and work day childcare. Me being on mat leave doesn’t excuse him from 50/50 parenting the rest of the time. My dh does bathtime and bedtime and overnights/mornings with our older one while I’m usually with ds. He does this despite working full days plus evenings and weekends (he’s self employed so works 9-5 plus usually 8-10 every night after putting eldest to bed doing admin plus 1-2 weekends a month at events).

UserV · 04/06/2018 20:45

@bumpitybumper

I don't need evidence to prove most SAHMs would never switch places with their DH and go to work instead luv. I fucking KNOW it.

MsDugong · 04/06/2018 20:45

He deals with the toddler and you the baby. He could go to bed earlier to be up earlier. And 1 broken nights sleep once a fortnight is hardly going to kill him.

My babies at that age would cluster feed in the evenings until around 10pm. So I might manage to go to sleep somewhere between 10&10:30pm myself. Then feed again at 1am (on an exceptionally good night). I might get back to sleep by 2am. Feed again at 4am. Back to sleep at 5am....just as toddler wakes for the day! On a more typical night it'd be 12am, 2am, 4am feeds with me maybe snatching an hour between each one.

So other women are genuinely suggesting you only sleep 10:30-1 And 2-4am, a total of 4.5 hours broken sleep, on a very good night. Possibly as little as just a couple of hours on an average to bad night? And you should do this every single night because your husband absolutely has to have 7-8 hours every night to sit at a desk most of the day? Or, if you're lucky, he might get up early a couple of times a week but anything more is asking too much?

Fuck. That. Shit.

It didn't even occur to my husband that I should get up with the
toddler/older child. Not once did that cross his mind (or mine).

qwertyuiopy · 04/06/2018 20:46

I suspect the “they work all day you do the fun things at home” posts are made by the partner that goes out to work, or by their partner who believes they are subservient.

Mammalamb · 04/06/2018 20:46

Wow wow wow.... I cannot believe the attitude to SAHMs on this thread. I’m a WOHM but I strongly believe that a SAHM with a baby and toddler has a harder job than I do (albeit more fulfilling). Why do people think it’s ok for someone to look after a baby and active toddler on so little sleep! Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and is forbidden to be used on prisoners in civilised countries, yet it seems fine for a woman to suffer it as she has the privilege of “not bringing home the bacon”. My father in law commented that this was the attitude when he first qualified as a GP in the 70s; and he thought it stunk then. Horrified that this is still the attitude today!

TotHappy · 04/06/2018 20:48

This thread is giving me the rage! What is all this 'bacon' crap, the suggestion that if he falls asleep at work they'll all be homeless? Op isn't a SAHM, she's on maternity! She's almost certainly getting paid - i was until month 9 of my maternity! So, they both have jobs, they're both getting paid but her husband has unilaterally decided that his job is more important OR that hers is more fun so to punish her for that he has to make sure she's wrecked from lack of sleep so can't enjoy it!

This is quite emotive for me because my husband has said a very similar thing about how I get to do fun stuff and have lovely times with DD all day (this was in relation to how much housework I get done, not sleep). No matter that my JOB is to look after her i e. Play with, do activities with, feed, change, settle for nap etc etc. And does the fucker do ANY cleaning or tiding when he's left alone with her all day? Does he hell as like!

Aargh!!!

M5tothesouthwest · 04/06/2018 20:48

I think his job and type of commute is relevant. If it's the type of job where he needs to be very focused and / or has a long drive, then you should get up (sorry).
If he can nap on the train for 1 hr and then sit at a desk, then it would be more reasonable to share the early mornings.

DryIce · 04/06/2018 20:49

This thread is madness! Yes, OP, of course your husband should get up with your toddler (as a bare minimum!). When my baby was tiny my partner would take him every morning between 5 and 6/7am so I could get some sleep. He brought me coffee in bed and still thought I was doing the harder job!

@UserV

Well I, for one, have gone back to work while my husband is home with our baby. Having done it, I know how exhausting and relentless it can be so we share the early mornings and any night time wakings.

BellyDancer124 · 04/06/2018 20:49

This thread is crazy 😂

UserV · 04/06/2018 20:50

LOL at WOW just WOW!!! Grin

Do people say this in real life? It sounds so naff!

Bumpitybumper · 04/06/2018 20:51

@TotHappy
It begs the question if being with the DC is such "fun" why are these fathers not grateful to have the opportunity to get up early and spend more time with their kids? Surely it's a privilege Wink

CantankerousCamel · 04/06/2018 20:53

You do the night he does the mornings from 5.30am til he leaves at 7

He can sleep 11-5.30

You get a top up

Bumpitybumper · 04/06/2018 20:55

@UserV
You seriously need a hobby...

Phineyj · 04/06/2018 20:56

It depends on a lot of things and my suggestion would be agree a division that seems fair to both of you, write it on a whiteboard and stick to it like glue. I'm not joking. Our whiteboard timetable saved a lot of arguments! (DH a very systematic person, which probably helped). You cannot afford to get into the competitive tiredness thing It ends a lot of marriages.

I do find it mad when people suggest the working-for-pay parent needs to be well rested to drive, operate on people (or whatever), ignoring the risks of a sleep deprived not-working-for-pay parent driving, looking after young DC etc.

As an aside, I know several couples where both are doctors and the woman still seems to be the one who has her sleep disrupted more. And one of the women is a surgeon.

tootiredtospeak · 04/06/2018 21:01

Really easy way to get him to change his mind is to say you will do it all in the week whilst he is working but then at the weekend he needs to get up with both to allow you to recharge the batteries. Any money if you do that he will be offering to take turns very soon.

Underworld345 · 04/06/2018 21:01

I think he should be getting up with toddler and going to bed early. You should be allowed that extra hour or two in bed before he goes to work given you’ve been up in the night.

Gottokondo · 04/06/2018 21:02

Can he do the weekends and 1 morning with the toddler during the week? That way he gets wnough sleep to do his job well and it's an almost even split. You get 3 mornings lie in (if baby cooperates)

TotHappy · 04/06/2018 21:02

@BumpityBumper quite so... Think of the larks he could have with her on both days of the weekend... And all the housework I could get done then!

His boss asked if anyone on his team wanted to drop their hours recently... When he related this to me I instantly said that I thought I could up my hours (I work part time from home around DDs naps) so he could have a full day off with her... For some reason he shot it down.

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 04/06/2018 21:05

The bacon argument is not only bullshit, we don't even know if he actually is. OP simply says that her DH works, and that she is on ML at the moment. We have no information about renumeration. She might well be receiving a generous maternity package and be the higher earner of the two.

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 04/06/2018 21:08

Looking after a newborn and a toddler all day is substantially harder than full time office work ime

Doing it on 2-3 night wakings is exhausting. If op does early mornings with the toddler on top of all this she is going to end up getting ill.

Agree with pp: let him do your job (nights and days) for a weekend to see what it's like. For him to sleep all night and all morning while you shoulder the entire burden of parenting is utterly unreasonable.

sherazade · 04/06/2018 21:09

He gets a full night sleep. He should have the toddler for at least 50% of the time .

Metoodear · 04/06/2018 21:11

You during the week him at weekend just so you can recover enough to cover the week again

When you go back to work full time them 50/50