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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandmother or not.. you don't do this.

175 replies

Cheeseandcrisps · 03/06/2018 21:54

Hi everyone fully prepared to be told iabu I may be being a bit sensitive at the moment as I'm going through a bit of a hard time.

I have a dd age 2 went through a hell of a lot to have her I'm only just starting to get over pnd but I still have a lot of anxiety and dd and I are very attached to one another.

I dont really ever leave dd with anyone apart from dh unless its at my home and I'm just popping out for a bit of food shopping. I am forever being told this isn't normal and I am trying to work on my anxiety and learn to let go a little bit.

My mil and I have a fairly good relationship but she has never been able to understand my pnd or why I feel so uncomftable leaving dd with anyone. I've always allowed her regular visits but she cries alot saying she should be allowed time on her own with Dd as thats what all her friends get with their dgc. These comments have never been very helpful and if anything it's made me pull away from the idea more. Since dd was born I've found her quite overbearing and anyone that's witnessed her behaviour towards dd have agreed. When I used to live with her she used to send us texts telling us to get home immediately with her granddaughter as she wanted a cuddle.

Last week I decided I can't stand to keep hearing that I am being unfair so i decided that I would arrange with mil to collect dd today and take her out for a couple of hours.. as expected she took my hand off.

Mil came to collect dd late morning and asked what time I would like her returned I requested she bring her back at 2 as there was an event on in a local town I wanted to take her to later that afternoon. I did ask mil if she would like to come but she said it would be too busy for her fair enough i thought.

I didn't want to hound mil while they were out so after about an hour I dropped her a quick text asking if they were having fun she read the message but totally ignored me I left it there and didn't text again but il admit the lack of response was a little upsetting mil knew that this was a big thing for me however pathetic it sounds. I kept myself busy and got on with some much needed housework as 2 o'clock got nearer I started feeling relief that dd would be home but proud that I had got through that time 2 o'clock came and went no sign of mil or dd i didn't want to jump straight on mil people are late but then it got to half past and I started to worry so i checked mils Facebook which told me she was active so i popped her a message asking if everything was okay she saw the message and ignored about 10 minutes later she responded with 5 mins and then finally 20 mins or so later she finally walked in with mil who was full of excuses but not a single apology she said that someone she was with needed the toilet which I think was a shit excuse if you'll pardon the pun.

I dont want to sound dramatic but the first 30 mins I really started to panic thinking something might of happened. By the time mil arrived I was feeling quite angry and upset.

Dd started asking for food straight away so i asked mil what dd had for lunch she told me she gave her marshmallow. Both her knees were cut where she had fallen over.

Mil that asked me if i was still taking dd out for the afternoon I said I wouldn't be as it was too late and atleast a 30 min drive I wanted to be at the place by 3 not leaving to drive there at 3 still no apology.

I can't shake the feeling MIL did it on purpose to try and prove a point that dd is her grandchild and she can do as she pleases she is never usually late for anything and even if her excuse was true it doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet.

I just feel like I took a big step today in allowing mil to take dd and she threw it back in my face. I feel so angry and as if mil has no respect for me at all. I have remained polite to keep the peace but I felt like screaming at her. Mil has sent a few messages today about unrelated stuff and I haven't really been responding she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while.

Thank you anyone who has reached the end I'm glad to get this off my chest.

OP posts:

Homemenu1 · 03/06/2018 21:58

I’m not surprised you are upset, it’s a really shitty thing for her to have done. Tbh I’d get your dh to have a word with her. It would take me a long time to let her look after dc again

itswinetime · 03/06/2018 22:00

You took a big step forward and tried to do something that your MIL wanted she ignored your message was and was late back YANBU. I would not be letting her have time alone with her granddaughter again and if she asks why I'd be telling her the truth!

Leeds2 · 03/06/2018 22:00

I probably wouldn't let her take her again, until DD is a bit older. She knew you were concerned (whether or not she thought you were being unreasonable is irrelevant ) and chose to ignore it. If she was running late, she could've texted you and let you know.

Cupcakecafe · 03/06/2018 22:03

All she has done is ensure you won't trust her to have your dd again.
Yadnbu.
If she asks, i would say something along the lines of you were really upset as she specifically ignored your request for dd to be back at a certain time, especially as she knows you have struggled with leaving her previously. And if she says anything about having her again make the point that at the moment you won't allow it as you don't trust her to bring your dd back when you request.

YorkieDorkie · 03/06/2018 22:08

You know YWBU not letting MIL take your DD so you took the massive step to overcome your anxiety and trust her.

She blew it. Big style.

SomeKnobend · 03/06/2018 22:08

Next time tell her "no, last time you didn't give her any lunch and brought her back an hour late".

BrioLover · 03/06/2018 22:08

YANBU. Bringing her back late without apology is bad enough but not feeding her a proper lunch whilst out is awful. DH can let her know why you are not ok, and I bloody hope he has enough backbone to deal with the inevitable wailing and whinging from her when she realises she's blown it.

Original poster

Cheeseandcrisps · 03/06/2018 22:09

I really hate what my pnd has done to me I used to be so easy going but now when it comes to people having dd in so uptight and ridged I dont want to feel this way that's why i thought If I bite the bullet and let mil take her I would see that nothing bad would happen and I would start trusting people and be able to enjoy time with dh alone sometimes. I feel right back at square one.

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 03/06/2018 22:10

She flunked it.
So fuck her and her demands in future.

JohnnyKarate · 03/06/2018 22:12

Fuck that. What a dick. Sorry she betrayed your trust OP that was a huge step you'd taken! Hopefully you will be able to take it again one day with someone who deserves it.

TheHobbitMum · 03/06/2018 22:16

She fucked up big time! After finally having the alone time she wanted with DGD she couldn't just keep to arrangements made and made your anxieties worse. Next time she asks tell her very clearly why it's a no and make sure she knows it's her doing, you gave her a chance and she blew it

Original poster

Cheeseandcrisps · 03/06/2018 22:17

In every other aspect I get on with her well but when it comes to dd we clash she has always thought she has some weird right over there. She had a tantrum over the name we chose so i had to change it but other then that we used to be great friends.

OP posts:

Cuffuffle · 03/06/2018 22:17

You need to be honest with your MIL. Tell her she was out of line and how worried you were. Explain you expected more from her given she knows about your anxiety. Tell her firmly that it won't be happening again.

I do think you need to work on your anxiety though. Maybe try and encourage your DH to do an activity just the two of them.

Giraffey1 · 03/06/2018 22:17

Dear MIL. No, everything is not ok. You know I have been suffering from PND and anxiety. You know how hard it was for me to get to the point of letting you spend some time with my dd. You know we agreed a time to get her home. You knew I had plans for the afternoon. In spite of all of this, you not only ignored the agreed time, you didn’t bother to text me to tell me everything was ok,. And even worse, you’ve not bothered even to apologise! Please don’t ask me again about having dd, you’ve shown you can’t be trusted, and also that you are very unkind.

Or get your H to have a word

GetOrfMyBin · 03/06/2018 22:17

YANBU.

I know how you feel as I can be the same with regards to anxiety and the DC. Well done for trying to get round that and for letting mil take DD out - that must have been hard for you, but you did it. As for mil she blew it big style. Not feeding DD and being late when she knew that this was a big step for you. With regards to the cuts on DD’s knees had mil at least made an attempt to clean those up?

I would not be letting mil have DD again in a hurry. Chat to DH and explain. I would let him do the talking to mil to tell her how unreasonable she’s been.

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2018 22:19

Sounds deliberate. I'd fuck her off in future.

NewSense · 03/06/2018 22:20

Oh gosh, I feel your pain. I'm very much the same. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable leaving my kids, and I really only do it because I know I need to, for their sake and my own.

I think your MIL has shown she doesn't respect your wishes, so I'd have no problem saying no to her requests in future. Tricky as that might be (and I'd probably get DH to do it!).

For your own sake though (and I'm saying this to myself too) - don't let this put you off letting others look after your daughter for short periods. Do you have a sibling or your own mum or good friend etc, who would understand your anxiety and be good "practise" run people for you? People who know to reply and to get her home on time?

But yeah, I'd be stopping MIL 1 on 1 time for quite a while.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/06/2018 22:20

I think yanbu and I agree it sounds like it was done on purpose, I would be honest "I'm ok thanks, a little annoyed if I am being honest, today was a big deal for me, you knew that. Not only were you late, you didn't reply to my message, you didn't feed dd, you ruined my plans for the afternoon and didn't even apologise. I should have trusted myself and continued to say no, I'll know better next time. You are welcome anytime to see dd but after today do not ask for dd alone again"

Aeroflotgirl · 03/06/2018 22:21

What she did was treat you with total disrespect, she really blew her chances of having dd again in a long while. It takes seconds to tap out a short text of reassurance, and a text that you will be a little late. Especially knowing that you are anxious about her having dd. Not giving her anything to eat for lunch, is crap and lacks care. I woukd wait until she's older, before allowing her to take dd.

welshmist · 03/06/2018 22:21

My DIL had an awful time with pregnancy 7 weeks in scibu following birth, then home with lots of instructions. She is very anxious months later, this week was the first time she left me with baby because she needed to nip to the shop. I felt very privileged that she finally felt able to trust me to be home alone. I am sorry your MIL overstepped the boundaries so badly.

steppemum · 03/06/2018 22:22

this
but I would add, you didn't give her lunch and she had 2 cut knees.

I cannot trust you with her.

NewYearNewMe18 · 03/06/2018 22:23

What does your DH say about his mother taking his child out ?

RedTulip86 · 03/06/2018 22:25

What planet is your MIL on? Marshmallow for lunch?

YANBU OP.

livingdownsouth · 03/06/2018 22:25

Well done for overcoming your worries and letting your MIL take your DD out. It was incredibly insensitive of her not to reply to your text, never mind bringing your DD back late. You'd think MIL would be desperate to prove a point by being back bang on time. The fact she chose to betray your trust so blatantly so is unlikely to be allowed to take her DGD out again is her problem. Not yours.

for you

Naughty1205 · 03/06/2018 22:25

Yanbu. That was mean of your mil. PND is awful, and the anxiety that comes with it. I think it would help if your dh spoke to her. I'm the same with my 2 dcs, we don't have family nearby though, so basically don't leave them at all. Don't let people put pressure on you to leave your child with anyone else. They will be just as fine without it.

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