Grandmother or not.. you don't do this.

[Cheeseandcrisps]

Hi everyone fully prepared to be told iabu I may be being a bit sensitive at the moment as I'm going through a bit of a hard time.

I have a dd age 2 went through a hell of a lot to have her I'm only just starting to get over pnd but I still have a lot of anxiety and dd and I are very attached to one another.

I dont really ever leave dd with anyone apart from dh unless its at my home and I'm just popping out for a bit of food shopping. I am forever being told this isn't normal and I am trying to work on my anxiety and learn to let go a little bit.

My mil and I have a fairly good relationship but she has never been able to understand my pnd or why I feel so uncomftable leaving dd with anyone. I've always allowed her regular visits but she cries alot saying she should be allowed time on her own with Dd as thats what all her friends get with their dgc. These comments have never been very helpful and if anything it's made me pull away from the idea more. Since dd was born I've found her quite overbearing and anyone that's witnessed her behaviour towards dd have agreed. When I used to live with her she used to send us texts telling us to get home immediately with her granddaughter as she wanted a cuddle.

Last week I decided I can't stand to keep hearing that I am being unfair so i decided that I would arrange with mil to collect dd today and take her out for a couple of hours.. as expected she took my hand off.

Mil came to collect dd late morning and asked what time I would like her returned I requested she bring her back at 2 as there was an event on in a local town I wanted to take her to later that afternoon. I did ask mil if she would like to come but she said it would be too busy for her fair enough i thought.

I didn't want to hound mil while they were out so after about an hour I dropped her a quick text asking if they were having fun she read the message but totally ignored me I left it there and didn't text again but il admit the lack of response was a little upsetting mil knew that this was a big thing for me however pathetic it sounds. I kept myself busy and got on with some much needed housework as 2 o'clock got nearer I started feeling relief that dd would be home but proud that I had got through that time 2 o'clock came and went no sign of mil or dd i didn't want to jump straight on mil people are late but then it got to half past and I started to worry so i checked mils Facebook which told me she was active so i popped her a message asking if everything was okay she saw the message and ignored about 10 minutes later she responded with 5 mins and then finally 20 mins or so later she finally walked in with mil who was full of excuses but not a single apology she said that someone she was with needed the toilet which I think was a shit excuse if you'll pardon the pun.

I dont want to sound dramatic but the first 30 mins I really started to panic thinking something might of happened. By the time mil arrived I was feeling quite angry and upset.

Dd started asking for food straight away so i asked mil what dd had for lunch she told me she gave her marshmallow. Both her knees were cut where she had fallen over.

Mil that asked me if i was still taking dd out for the afternoon I said I wouldn't be as it was too late and atleast a 30 min drive I wanted to be at the place by 3 not leaving to drive there at 3 still no apology.

I can't shake the feeling MIL did it on purpose to try and prove a point that dd is her grandchild and she can do as she pleases she is never usually late for anything and even if her excuse was true it doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet.

I just feel like I took a big step today in allowing mil to take dd and she threw it back in my face. I feel so angry and as if mil has no respect for me at all. I have remained polite to keep the peace but I felt like screaming at her. Mil has sent a few messages today about unrelated stuff and I haven't really been responding she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while.

Thank you anyone who has reached the end I'm glad to get this off my chest.

Your MIL had a tantrum and you had to change your DDs name? That is awful, so controlling.
I wouldn't have it out with her if I was you, you need to get your DH to have words with her and make it clear she overstepping and that neither of you will put up with it in future and that she will not be having her GD alone again.

I feel like mil will get angry if I leave dd with anyone besides her

That's her problem not yours! You tried you took a massive step forward and she chose to try and make a stupid point. Let her rage. It's not on you she had a chance she blew it please remember that and don't let her blame your anxiety or anything else. Even without that taking someone's child out for the first time ignoring there message and disrespecting them but coming back late so other plans have to change would be enough for most people to not trust them again

This absolutely not the PND talking here. I am a doting Granny to two granddaughters. I have not been allowed to have them alone, well, the eldest a little while Mum popped to bed, in her house, or popped to the shop, but no more than that. If I was allowed to take my DGSs out, I would make damn sure I returned them at the agreed time. That really is the only reasonable thing to do!

I would say, do not let her take your child again, tell her why, then she knows it is her own stupidity that has caused it. In 6 months or so, hopefully she would have apologised and promised not to do it again about a thousand times, then you might let her take your child out for a little while, with a strict return time and build it up from there!

DGD's*

Thing is, people who do not have anxiety do not understand people who have anxiety.

I have anxiety, my mum doesn't. when she has my (older than this) children she always texts me with updates and sticks to arrangements. She doesnt know how i feel but she listens and sympathises and makes sure she helps not hinders.

MIL is bonkers, and dangerously so.

Her needs clearly come before that of your dd. For that reason alone, she never gets to look after her. End of story, in my book.

Does she really not realise that all she has done is proven to you that your anxieties / worries are true, and not some sort of over-protective nonsense?

Your Mil has shot herself in the foot there. Had she respected your agreement and stuck to it then this may have been the start of something good. You may have felt comfortable and asked her to babysit a couple of hours a week. However she has completely overstepped the mark, and now ruined it for herself as I doubt you will feel comfortable letting your dd go out with her alone for a long while. I would either get your dh to explain to her what a big deal today was for you to let dd go, and how much it's upset you, or just avoid her taking her out again until she's built up your trust x

I can't believe she didn't even respond to the first text you sent, especially as she knows you had PND! I have my dgd quite often, if ever her DM texts, I respond straight away, it's only natural to want to know everything is ok. If I take dgd out, I text to let her know what time we will be back too.

I don't think I would feel comfortable letting your MIL have your dd again, not for quite a while anyway. If MIL has a problem with it, thats her fault isn't it?

Your Mil has shot herself in the foot there. Had she respected your agreement and stuck to it then this may have been the start of something good. You may have felt comfortable and asked her to babysit a couple of hours a week. However she has completely overstepped the mark, and now ruined it for herself as I doubt you will feel comfortable letting your dd go out with her alone for a long while. I would either get your dh to explain to her what a big deal today was for you to let dd go, and how much it's upset you, or just avoid her taking her out again until she's built up your trust x

So sorry you had to go through this. She shounds ridiculous and unreasonable. On the few occassions I've looked after a child and I have known the Mum to be nervous I send texts and pics etc. That makes it so much better and next time it gets easier. And marshmallow for lunch?!

What you say next time she asks is ‘No’.

No explanation, nothing. Simply ‘No’. If she asks why, reply that she knows why.

So what if she questions your MH? She can go swivel.

Carry on leaving DD with your Dad and best friend and building up your trust & confidence.

Ignore your stupid, selfish, idiotic MIL.

💐

Oh and don’t ever do anything like change your child’s name to appease her ever again. You don’t need her permission or approval for anything.

YANBU how difficult is it to message you back or to let you know if they were running late? And a marshmallow for lunch sounds ridiculous. I didn't have PND but I still hated leaving dd with anyone but my dh for a long time. She should be respecting your boundaries and trying to make things easier for you, not making things worse and trying to bully you into doing what she wants.

Your MIL is horrible and I can't believe she didn't feed your DD anything. It's not difficult to source a sandwich or pasta when out and about.

My friend has anxiety and I'm always conscious to do my very best to minimise her anxiety when I have her DC. I always text to say we're home or that everyone is okay (even though I wouldn't expect that myself). I would never be late home with a child without calling or texting to explain the delay.

I wouldn’t text her. I would call her and say that ‘no, I’m not ok. I put all my anxiety to one side so you could have dd for a couple of hours today, something I know you have really wanted to do. You’ve betrayed my trust in several levels. You did t give dd any lunch, you were late back when you knew I had plans, and there was no apology. You have broken the trust and I’m not sure I will be able to do this again for a long time. Maybe write it down so you can list what you want to say and if she tries to interrupt you, keep talking over her and repeat what you need to say.

I wouldn’t leave this to your dh as o doubt he would express strongly enough how much she has broken the trust. But I would let him know that you are not happy and will be talking to his mother.

I don’t have PND. My parents didn’t take DD1 out for the day until she was nearly 3. If they pick her up from nursery they text to say they got her ok and if they are babysitting for the evening they text to let me know she is asleep. They always bring her back slightly before they say they will and if I text them they reply within 15 mins. This is how normal adults behave. Your MIL sucks. Your child is not a toy you are under any obligation to share. I would say no to outings with MIL unless she apologises and you need the childcare to do something you want to do without a child.

I would be telling her she will not ever be seeing my daughter again except at birthdays and occasionally Christmas. If she can't accept your wishes, demeaned your illness and bullies you into changing your own child's name, sod her. She made her bed, lie in it. If she wants to act like a child that has tantrums and bullies people, treat her like one. Consider her grounded.

I'm assuming that dd is your first child and that MIL feels that your attitude about letter her have time alone is somehow an insult to her many years of motherhood and ability to care for your child.

She is being completely unreasonable. I also had PND and had a very hard time letting my parents and MIL watch my kids. Children are different and have their quirks and habits. By not apologizing for being late, giving your child such a crap lunch, letting you know that everything was okay, etc. it was her way of saying "See? Everything was just fine and you were being cruel and selfish to deny my time alone with my GC".

Send her the text poster Giraffey1 suggested. She needs a massive attitude adjustment. She should have been far more respectful of your feelings and limits.

Pushy cow she is.

YANBU Op, she broke your trust. I wouldn’t let her take her out again BUT I do think that your daughter spending a few hours away from you occasionally will benefit both you and her. Is there another family member you can trust to stick to agreed times that you could try this again with? Well done on taking the step, I’m just sorry your MIL let you down

YANBU at all. I don't have anxiety, but I wouldn't leave either of my children with someone who didn't bring them back when they said they would (without good reason) and who thinks that marshmallows are a suitable lunch.

I too suffer with anxiety and I have a 2 year old. I don't leave her and she's the youngest of several. Rarely (if I have a drs appt or something and I have to) I do. I hate it. And I always text, but equally if it is my mum or MIL they will text me a photo or text to say she's fine or playing or whatever. My husband is less tolerant of anxiety but I just have to believe that he loves her so much he wouldn't let anything happen (he does lol) this lady has blown it and I would not let it happen again. I would also ask what she had for lunch as she said a marshmallow (which are not suitable for 2 yr olds if we are going to go the full anxiety route).
I feel for you as it's not easy to do this and you don't have to. Preschool was good for me as from age 3 I would leave them a couple of hours and know they were safe and in one place.
Do what is right for you.

YADNBU!!

I have PND and anxiety so I understand where you're coming from, my mum and sister (the only people to watch my DD for us so far) text me updates and pictures so no reason your MIL couldn't do this!

You shouldn't have changed the name to appease her.

You need to speak to her, tell her that what she did isn't ok and that she might be your daughter's GM but you are her MOTHER.

Suggested message:

"No, things are not ok. It was a really big step for me to allow you to take DD out today, and I expected you to a) reply to messages and b) stick to the plans and timings we agreed, since you are usually diligent and punctual. When you didn't reply to my message and then didn't let me know that you would be late back, I found it very very difficult. I was also unhappy about the fact that DD didn't have any lunch. Overall, this whole experience means that I am not comfortable letting you take her out on her own again for now. Since I'm her mother and primary caregiver, I expect you to listen to and respect my opinion on this, although I expect you won't like it. I'll talk to you in the week. Cheeseandcrisps xxx"

I've tried to spell out your expectations, explain how they weren't met and show that your decision to withhold sole care is based on these. I threw in a bit of flannel about punctuality to confuse her animosity a bit, and preempted the inevitable angry backlash. Hopefully that's all bases covered....

That's just not on!!!
I'm a grandmother and have had DGD on my own since an early age. I always get her back on time, feed her the freshest food I can find, and I'm very aware of my daughter in law's preferences for her child. Your mother in law blew it, big time, and I wouldn't blame you if you never let her take your baby out again!

I'm a grandmother now myself, but your MIL doesn't deserve the title.

You don't have to have ongoing anxiety to stop to imagine the worst when your child doesn't come home on time, my dd's father did that one me one time and I still hate him for it.

Stop catering to this woman's whims, you can leave your child with anyone you trust but not with her.

Your MIL is a complete an utter arse and probably a contributory factor to your PND.

Your DH needs to deal with her, if he won’t he too is an arse.

She’s your DD and you’re not obliged to leave her with anyone you don’t want to. I’m glad you’ve got a good mate to help you with all this.