Grandmother or not.. you don't do this.

[Cheeseandcrisps]

Hi everyone fully prepared to be told iabu I may be being a bit sensitive at the moment as I'm going through a bit of a hard time.

I have a dd age 2 went through a hell of a lot to have her I'm only just starting to get over pnd but I still have a lot of anxiety and dd and I are very attached to one another.

I dont really ever leave dd with anyone apart from dh unless its at my home and I'm just popping out for a bit of food shopping. I am forever being told this isn't normal and I am trying to work on my anxiety and learn to let go a little bit.

My mil and I have a fairly good relationship but she has never been able to understand my pnd or why I feel so uncomftable leaving dd with anyone. I've always allowed her regular visits but she cries alot saying she should be allowed time on her own with Dd as thats what all her friends get with their dgc. These comments have never been very helpful and if anything it's made me pull away from the idea more. Since dd was born I've found her quite overbearing and anyone that's witnessed her behaviour towards dd have agreed. When I used to live with her she used to send us texts telling us to get home immediately with her granddaughter as she wanted a cuddle.

Last week I decided I can't stand to keep hearing that I am being unfair so i decided that I would arrange with mil to collect dd today and take her out for a couple of hours.. as expected she took my hand off.

Mil came to collect dd late morning and asked what time I would like her returned I requested she bring her back at 2 as there was an event on in a local town I wanted to take her to later that afternoon. I did ask mil if she would like to come but she said it would be too busy for her fair enough i thought.

I didn't want to hound mil while they were out so after about an hour I dropped her a quick text asking if they were having fun she read the message but totally ignored me I left it there and didn't text again but il admit the lack of response was a little upsetting mil knew that this was a big thing for me however pathetic it sounds. I kept myself busy and got on with some much needed housework as 2 o'clock got nearer I started feeling relief that dd would be home but proud that I had got through that time 2 o'clock came and went no sign of mil or dd i didn't want to jump straight on mil people are late but then it got to half past and I started to worry so i checked mils Facebook which told me she was active so i popped her a message asking if everything was okay she saw the message and ignored about 10 minutes later she responded with 5 mins and then finally 20 mins or so later she finally walked in with mil who was full of excuses but not a single apology she said that someone she was with needed the toilet which I think was a shit excuse if you'll pardon the pun.

I dont want to sound dramatic but the first 30 mins I really started to panic thinking something might of happened. By the time mil arrived I was feeling quite angry and upset.

Dd started asking for food straight away so i asked mil what dd had for lunch she told me she gave her marshmallow. Both her knees were cut where she had fallen over.

Mil that asked me if i was still taking dd out for the afternoon I said I wouldn't be as it was too late and atleast a 30 min drive I wanted to be at the place by 3 not leaving to drive there at 3 still no apology.

I can't shake the feeling MIL did it on purpose to try and prove a point that dd is her grandchild and she can do as she pleases she is never usually late for anything and even if her excuse was true it doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet.

I just feel like I took a big step today in allowing mil to take dd and she threw it back in my face. I feel so angry and as if mil has no respect for me at all. I have remained polite to keep the peace but I felt like screaming at her. Mil has sent a few messages today about unrelated stuff and I haven't really been responding she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while.

Thank you anyone who has reached the end I'm glad to get this off my chest.

welshmist you sound like a lovely mil ❤

Your MIL sounds emotionally immature. Crying to get DD on her own and having a tantrum over her name- unbelievable. Who is telling you it is not normal to not leave DD with anyone- is it MIL or DH. She has abused your trust and it will be very difficult for her to regain it.

I disagree that she WBU YorkieDorkie the MIL has no right to expect to have her grandchild just because all her friends do. The OP WNBU even if she didn't leave her daughter at all. it's up to her not the MIL

YADNBU and I would be furious. Well done for getting through the morning. I can't believe she didn't even give your daughter lunch. I would reply to say you were disappointed that she ignored your messages and came back late which meant you had to change your plans. I would say you had taken a big step letting DD go out for that long without you and you were disappointed that she had shown such disregard for your feelings. Next time she asks just say no and only leave DD again when it suits you. She didn't even feed your daughter so she can't even claim her basic needs were met!!

Oh poor you OP! You took a really big step towards getting over your PND and your selfish MIL broke your trust! YANBU

At least now when she next asks you have a cast iron reason to say no that is her fault.

"Sorry, no MIL. I think we can all agree last time didnt work for any of us."

I wouldn't let her take her out again...no way.

Also, when you are looking after someone else's child and they send a message asking how they are, I really think it's important and polite to respond ASAP to reassure the parent that all's well.

As for the marshmallow for lunch...words fail me.

YANBU. I would not let her take her out again. You asked her to br8ng your DD back at 2pm as you were going out and not only was she almost an hour late there was no contact from her to tell this. Very rude and inconsiderate especially as she knew you were anxious. Bringing her back with cut knees and not giving her lunch is also not acceptable.

You did well to overcome your anxieties OP but she certainly messed that up - and only a marshmallow for lunch to boot. She betrayed your trust.

I am getting help with my anxiety I've been seeing a counsiler for that and practicing techniques at home to cope with how I feel sometimes.

Sadly my own mum passed away a couple of years ago very suddenly. I have my dad who has watched dd for very short amounts of time and my best friend who i do feel more comftable with so will definately keep doing what I am doing with that as are building up to my best friend watching dd for a weekend either this year or next year so me and dh can have a weekend away for our anniversary. I'm nowhere near that stage though and I feel like mil will get angry if I leave dd with anyone besides her I was hoping to get to a point with mil where I could let dd stay over night. I now feel that will never be the case. I haven't responded to mils message I want to get my point across without being rude as if I come across snappy she starts sending dh texts questioning my mental health (which apart from my separation anxiety with Dd is actually fine despite everything)

She had a tantrum over the name we chose so i had to change it

I just saw this. This woman is bullying you. if you don't want to you don't ever have to leave your child with her again. PND or not you have every right to be with your child of you choose. she is 2 not 12! You must reply strongly and show her that you won't let her control you like this I am so cross for you. Enjoy being with your DD as much as you want and set some boundaries for MIL.

Yanbu. You need support to deal with your PND and anxiety, not tantrums and games playing

No she is a cow.

If my DIL had the anxiety you describe, I would be helping her, suggesting things like letting me take DD out for ten minutes, slowly building it up, taking her out together, splitting up for ten minutes and meeting back again.

Given that you allowed her all that time she should have aimed to get back early. I think this smacks of her putting you in your place by coming back late.

I wouldn't allow her to take DD out again until she has restored your trust. In the meantime, is there anyone else you can trust enough to help you build up to some time apart?

That was a bit spiteful and unkind of your MIL. Also quite a passive agressive action, whihc has backfired because you have every reason to refuse to let her have her again on her own.

She questions your mental health too. Jeeze I would have very little to do with her.

Your DD is with her GM who clearly loves her. You need to stop your constant overthinking and deal with the main issue, which is your anxiety. Its going to create a lot of problems later ie nursery, school, birthday party's. I know its upsetting for you, but scraped knee's etc are nothing to fret about. I think even if your MIl returned on time, you would still fret about something else. Please dont get upset over this, i went through exactly the same with my eldest daughter, and it took a long time to let go and relax. You took a huge step in the right direction, yes she should of returned home and not be late, but look at what you achieved. You are a loving mummy and worrying is normal.

Oh goodness, YANBU. First, well done for overcoming your anxiety enough to have let her have your daughter at all, and once you’ve had a chance to get over this I hope it doesn’t deter you too much from continuing to seek whatever help you need. I wanted to say that I really think most people would have been worried and upset in your circumstances even if they were not taking a big step like you - I can’t help but worry if my mum doesn’t reply to me if she’s got my kids, or if she’s back late with them. So it’s not you - it’s objectively poor behaviour from your MIL and it’s just not good enough, especially given she knows your situation, for you to have been left to worry. If anyone had had my child past the time I’d asked for them to be back, without updating me or replying to my messages, and WITHOUT FEEDING THEM, and not apologising or acknowledging any kind of issue, I’m not sure that I would ever let them have the chance to repeat it. She’s not owed 1:1 time with her granddaughter - she’s had her chance at bringing up children.

Do you actually want to leave DD or is MIL making you feel like you are not normal? I know people who don't leave their children overnight or for long periods. it's not abnormal. Obviously if you want to do it for yourself then keep working on it but with your dad and best friend. It really doesn't sound like MIL is the right person for the job.

What would DH say if his mum did text him about you. Is he supportive of you?

She abused your trust, plain and simple.

You must speak to her about it.

Scraped knees- it’s happens.
Running late- no problem when you keep everyone in the loop.
Marshmallow for lunch- was this the only thing she ate after a a small variety of real food first??

Talk to her.

YANBU
You'd think MIL would be desperate to prove a point by being back bang on time.
^^this.
Also I would focus on the lack of thought for your daughters needs by not providing any proper lunch, because your anxiety in this particular case was obviously actually justified, and it would be a good idea to bear that in mind.

You "had" to change her name over your mil's tantrum??? After reading that bit I am sorry but you only have yourself to blame, you didn't "have" to do anything. You need to stand you for yourself, every single time you let her away with something you effectively tell her it's ok and it's not ok. If you don't stand up to her you only have yourself to blame. What did your dh say?

Be kind to yourselfOP. You are dealing appropriately with your pnd and did your MIL an enormous favour which she flung back in your face.
The ball is in her court to regain your trust.
Talk to DH and decide if he will talk to her or whether you will text her . The suggestions made on here sound good. Don’t try to talk to her because she will have a tantrum and twist your words.
Good luck

YANBU what a big step you took today and well done for getting through it.

Shame on your MIL for throwing it back in your face! To not reply to messages when you are looking after someone else’s DC is not on. If she asks again just say no and explain why. Tbh I’d probably let go the cut knees as she could have fallen over with you but the timekeeping and lunch is inexcusable!

She sounds like a fucking bully. Telling you to get home when your out.
Questioning your mental health to your dh would have me raging.
I hope he has your back.

Thing is, people who do not have anxiety do not understand people who have anxiety. She probably simply thinks you are an over-the -op PFBer.

Did your daughter have a good time?

This would stress me out too! Aren't marshmallows really dangerous for young children?!
I wouldn't mind her being late but she should have been honest with you and kept in contact. I would really worry if my mil went off the grid with my DD like that!
She sounds controlling.