Grandmother or not.. you don't do this.

[Cheeseandcrisps]

Hi everyone fully prepared to be told iabu I may be being a bit sensitive at the moment as I'm going through a bit of a hard time.

I have a dd age 2 went through a hell of a lot to have her I'm only just starting to get over pnd but I still have a lot of anxiety and dd and I are very attached to one another.

I dont really ever leave dd with anyone apart from dh unless its at my home and I'm just popping out for a bit of food shopping. I am forever being told this isn't normal and I am trying to work on my anxiety and learn to let go a little bit.

My mil and I have a fairly good relationship but she has never been able to understand my pnd or why I feel so uncomftable leaving dd with anyone. I've always allowed her regular visits but she cries alot saying she should be allowed time on her own with Dd as thats what all her friends get with their dgc. These comments have never been very helpful and if anything it's made me pull away from the idea more. Since dd was born I've found her quite overbearing and anyone that's witnessed her behaviour towards dd have agreed. When I used to live with her she used to send us texts telling us to get home immediately with her granddaughter as she wanted a cuddle.

Last week I decided I can't stand to keep hearing that I am being unfair so i decided that I would arrange with mil to collect dd today and take her out for a couple of hours.. as expected she took my hand off.

Mil came to collect dd late morning and asked what time I would like her returned I requested she bring her back at 2 as there was an event on in a local town I wanted to take her to later that afternoon. I did ask mil if she would like to come but she said it would be too busy for her fair enough i thought.

I didn't want to hound mil while they were out so after about an hour I dropped her a quick text asking if they were having fun she read the message but totally ignored me I left it there and didn't text again but il admit the lack of response was a little upsetting mil knew that this was a big thing for me however pathetic it sounds. I kept myself busy and got on with some much needed housework as 2 o'clock got nearer I started feeling relief that dd would be home but proud that I had got through that time 2 o'clock came and went no sign of mil or dd i didn't want to jump straight on mil people are late but then it got to half past and I started to worry so i checked mils Facebook which told me she was active so i popped her a message asking if everything was okay she saw the message and ignored about 10 minutes later she responded with 5 mins and then finally 20 mins or so later she finally walked in with mil who was full of excuses but not a single apology she said that someone she was with needed the toilet which I think was a shit excuse if you'll pardon the pun.

I dont want to sound dramatic but the first 30 mins I really started to panic thinking something might of happened. By the time mil arrived I was feeling quite angry and upset.

Dd started asking for food straight away so i asked mil what dd had for lunch she told me she gave her marshmallow. Both her knees were cut where she had fallen over.

Mil that asked me if i was still taking dd out for the afternoon I said I wouldn't be as it was too late and atleast a 30 min drive I wanted to be at the place by 3 not leaving to drive there at 3 still no apology.

I can't shake the feeling MIL did it on purpose to try and prove a point that dd is her grandchild and she can do as she pleases she is never usually late for anything and even if her excuse was true it doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet.

I just feel like I took a big step today in allowing mil to take dd and she threw it back in my face. I feel so angry and as if mil has no respect for me at all. I have remained polite to keep the peace but I felt like screaming at her. Mil has sent a few messages today about unrelated stuff and I haven't really been responding she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while.

Thank you anyone who has reached the end I'm glad to get this off my chest.

As pp said your child is not a toy! I’m really sorry you have this sort of pressure from your mil (and a bit from other relatives as well it seems) to ‘share’ your dd, it’s just not right.
Big alarm bells about mil, she seems to be thinking of her own needs not those of her dil or dgd.
People consider me quite a relaxed parent, dd has been left with trusted other people since she was quite little (had to be like that in some ways due to my ill health)
But if someone returned dd home late, didn’t keep in contact, didn’t feed her and didn’t explain what looks like a significant fall (where did they go for her to scrape both knees like that? Most playgrounds have soft surfaces these days??) they would be out of the picture for caring for her again.
You don’t owe her anything, you don’t owe her a lengthy explanation, she should know what she’s done.
Great that dh is supportive, if she pressurises you again refer her to him to say why she’s not trusted as a babysitter.
Put some distance between you and her, she does not sound helpful for your own recovery from pnd.
Enjoy your dd and only do babysitters etc at your own pace and as you are comfortable!
Although you could find that once you trust the person (dh or best friend or whatever) it is bliss to go and get your hair cut or get a coffee, toddler free for just a little while!!

What a rotten thing she did to you and DD.

Raise you eyebrows as high as they can go, put your head on one side and ask her, 'Are you serious?' next time she wants time with DD on her own.

No lunch, cut knees, late back, pathetic excuse? Months of criticism and wheedling and making you feel bad leading up to that? None of that is ok.

I don't get this 'time with grandparents' thing, and the demanding and whining that grandparents seem to do so much of on MN. This isn't a thing where I live, and my Irish mother wouldn't dream of anything like that either.

I did not leave any of my children with anyone as babies or toddlers. I didn't have PND. I preferred it the way I arranged it. Parents have the right to keep their children to themselves. They don't owe others time with them

My DCs are all perfectly well adjusted, thank you very much Marjorie, despite my constant company in their early years. Contrary to your thesis, constant time spent in the care of one particular caring and nurturing individual greatly reinforces a child's feeling of security, whereas being handed around like a toy to people who are not willing to feed you more than a marshmallow (incredibly dangerous for anyone younger than 4 or 5 btw) does the opposite.

OP this is an aside, but your MIL should never have fed your toddler a marshmallow. They are very dangerous choking hazards.

Do not let her have your DD again. She seems to think your child is a toy or a cute accessory or a way to signal some coveted status to her friends.

YANBU at all.

"...she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while."

I think I would say that, you expected her back by a certain time, your MIl was late, she had not given her a proper lunch, not told you she had hurt both her knees and not told you she would be back late. That all sounds not very fair at all of her.

It is not unreasonable not to allow your child out alone with relatives, it is OK to say no to relatives. You have allowed her access to your child, you don't need to allow her access alone, it's no unreasonable to say no to that.

"I feel like mil will get angry if I leave dd with anyone besides her"

To be honest I really would not give a flying %£"* how she felt, angry or not. Do what is right for you and your child.

marjorie25 nasty post.

My kids never went to stay at Grandparents overnight but did socialize normally at nursary, pre school and school. The *OP8 is working on her issues and no one should be forced to leave their kids in the care of people when they don't want to.

Oh wow what a cow!

No PND here but didn't leave my littlest for good lengths of time. In fact my MIL showed early on that she didn't respect or want to follow my wishes son no babysitting for her in the early years. My mum on the other hand would ask me what I wanted and it meant the world in terms of how comfortable I felt with her taking care of my DC.

You deserve time out for yourself and it's ok to do that on your terms. If you're really interested in "loosening the reins" find someone who you think has the same values as you and who will take care of your DC the way you want. Your MIL is just going to have to get used to it.

I'm happy to leave my DC with my MIL now. They're older so being particular about care isn't so important.

My little girl is one and I’ve never left her more than 2 hours with anyone. MIL in particular keeps wanting me to leave her there but as they live 3 hours away and don’t see her regularly I’m not comfortable with it. If she ever did what your MIL has done the first time having her she wouldn’t get the opportunity for a very long time again. Im so glad you have a supportive DH, it makes the world of difference when dealing with difficult ILs

I’m so glad that with exception of a couple of questionable posts you have received unequivocal support here, op.

Damn right she should mention mh - you have diagnosed mh issues that you are working extremely hard to overcome.

I know exactly the type of your mil and agree that having to navigate parenting AND a mil like that is extremely detrimental to mh.

It appears that your DH as the measure of his mother and loves and cares deeply about your well being.

What she did was so wrong and also the fact that she is so manipulative and uses emotional blackmail means that she prioritises her wants over everything else.

May I ask, how often do you see her?

If it’s quite a bit, then l think you should reduce it. I also think you should talk about this in your counselling, as it will help you strengthen your boundaries.

OP your mil sounds horrible and irresponsible. Who knows what her agenda was. Ownership because it's her ds' DD? I have to admit that having read through the thread for a bit I skimmed because I think the woman sounds bloody awful and I wouldn't trust her again. I might have missed what your DH felt. But no, mil blew it.
You take care and you will get there. Don't be rushed

RTFT. She’s talking about her MIL.

(That was for samuel)

She is not the OP's mother. She is the OP's mother in law.

And she is a cow.

If my MIL did that with my son she would unequivocally not be having him again.

She had a tantrum over what you chose to name your dd

You needed to put her in her place then. Glad your dh is on your side.

And normal? ide telling her it's not normal for gp to be wankers and disobey a child's mother and MAY be that's why her friends have their gc alot and she hasn't.

Is there a sale on batshit somewhere coz crazys seem to be everywhere atm.

I have not RTFT but the last thing you should give kids is a marshmallow. They are really dangerous. One of the three most common things to choke on. Beef inadequately chewed, grapes and marshmallows.

Op my DD has a MIL similar in the sense of demanding what she should do & if she doesn’t she questions her mental health !! My dgs ( now 16mths) doesn’t have any 1 to 1 time with MIL, I live 150 miles away from DD but I make it a point of going up for a week a month ( went for 4wks when he was born) we have a house in the same town. My DD suffered from PND, has severe anxiety & clinically diagnosed OCD, so the week I am up I have DGS everyday & overnight for a night to let her & her DH get things done, recharge their batteries etc. Up till about 3mths ago she only trusted me to have him away from her & the house, then she let my mum her GM watch him for a few hours at their house but it took a lot for her to do that, but she won’t let her take him anywhere on her own as my mum is in her late 70’s. Your MIL abused your trust & in my opinion forfeits the right to demand anything in the future until you say so. I wouldn’t answer her text let your DH deal with her & put her firmly in her place on behalf of the both of you, that would cut out her normal behaviour of running to him & blaming your mental health, he has to put a stop to that practice too as it’s counterproductive. It will help you a lot when your DD goes to nursery, DGS went when he was 8mths old for 2.5 days a week while DD was going to college to get a qualification she wanted to make it easier to get suitable work during office hours. At first she did text to ask how he was & the nursery would always reply but as the days went on & she saw how happy he was playing there made it easier for her. He is now in a different nursery one day a week since college has finished & she is 5mths pregnant with her 2nd baby, so I am now going up 2wks a month to coincide with her anti natal & councillor apps so I can have my DGS.

Good luck & remember you are a fabulous mum xx

Sorry this happened op. You did so well letting your mil look after dd, and she massively let you down. It's very difficult to trust again when something like this happens. You sound like a great mum.

If she was active on FB I would be checking out her page for photos of her and her DGD. That is what will have been taking her time away from you OP.

It definitely sounds like she is causing all of your anxiety about leaving her as well she sounds awful

I would say she has had her chance and put a stop to it and work towards something like preschool

Fantastic a supportive DH! Let him take over managing the relationship with MIL. You don’t need to be answering a load of irrelevant texts (look up “hoovering” it’s when nasty people are nice to you until you drop your guard again).

Let DH handle it. And massively reduce contact. If she was texting daily before, then reply weekly. If you were seeing her weekly, drop that to monthly. DH makes the arrangements. (And if he isn’t bothered, then neither are you).

As a family you need mental and physical space.

Now you know you weren’t being unfair, and stepping back isn’t about punishing MIL. It’s about creating a safe and protected space for your family.

She sounds like my own mother who became obsessed with my DD. She even took DD for her first hair cut when I specifically asked her not to . I got cross, she whinged to my DGM who told her off, then DM came to me for sympathy because her own mother had told her off!

Your MIL is a narc. Be firm. I'm glad your DH is supportive and sees the issues. It's her, not you.

For the record, my DM still hero worships my DD but she bullies my son. It doesn't get any easier with time.

Easy for me to say, but your first mistake was changing her name because your MIL 'threw a tantrum' Are you properly happy with the name you chose instead? If not, it's not too late to change it back - I know it will take a bit of explaining to your dd, but she will probably get used to it quickly. That would make a very strong statement. Atm your MIL believes she has rights because you gave her that message when you allowed her to dictate your dd's name - the first choice you ever make for her.

Cut knees, accidents happen. No lunch (marshmallow doesn't count), rather rubbish. Getting back late and not contacting you, pretty unforgivable, particularly for a first time when she knows you're not hugely comfortable (and tbh, while I do think it would be important for you to get used to your dd being with different trusted people, I am wondering whether a part of your reluctance related specifically to MIL, and with good reason).