Grandmother or not.. you don't do this.

[Cheeseandcrisps]

Hi everyone fully prepared to be told iabu I may be being a bit sensitive at the moment as I'm going through a bit of a hard time.

I have a dd age 2 went through a hell of a lot to have her I'm only just starting to get over pnd but I still have a lot of anxiety and dd and I are very attached to one another.

I dont really ever leave dd with anyone apart from dh unless its at my home and I'm just popping out for a bit of food shopping. I am forever being told this isn't normal and I am trying to work on my anxiety and learn to let go a little bit.

My mil and I have a fairly good relationship but she has never been able to understand my pnd or why I feel so uncomftable leaving dd with anyone. I've always allowed her regular visits but she cries alot saying she should be allowed time on her own with Dd as thats what all her friends get with their dgc. These comments have never been very helpful and if anything it's made me pull away from the idea more. Since dd was born I've found her quite overbearing and anyone that's witnessed her behaviour towards dd have agreed. When I used to live with her she used to send us texts telling us to get home immediately with her granddaughter as she wanted a cuddle.

Last week I decided I can't stand to keep hearing that I am being unfair so i decided that I would arrange with mil to collect dd today and take her out for a couple of hours.. as expected she took my hand off.

Mil came to collect dd late morning and asked what time I would like her returned I requested she bring her back at 2 as there was an event on in a local town I wanted to take her to later that afternoon. I did ask mil if she would like to come but she said it would be too busy for her fair enough i thought.

I didn't want to hound mil while they were out so after about an hour I dropped her a quick text asking if they were having fun she read the message but totally ignored me I left it there and didn't text again but il admit the lack of response was a little upsetting mil knew that this was a big thing for me however pathetic it sounds. I kept myself busy and got on with some much needed housework as 2 o'clock got nearer I started feeling relief that dd would be home but proud that I had got through that time 2 o'clock came and went no sign of mil or dd i didn't want to jump straight on mil people are late but then it got to half past and I started to worry so i checked mils Facebook which told me she was active so i popped her a message asking if everything was okay she saw the message and ignored about 10 minutes later she responded with 5 mins and then finally 20 mins or so later she finally walked in with mil who was full of excuses but not a single apology she said that someone she was with needed the toilet which I think was a shit excuse if you'll pardon the pun.

I dont want to sound dramatic but the first 30 mins I really started to panic thinking something might of happened. By the time mil arrived I was feeling quite angry and upset.

Dd started asking for food straight away so i asked mil what dd had for lunch she told me she gave her marshmallow. Both her knees were cut where she had fallen over.

Mil that asked me if i was still taking dd out for the afternoon I said I wouldn't be as it was too late and atleast a 30 min drive I wanted to be at the place by 3 not leaving to drive there at 3 still no apology.

I can't shake the feeling MIL did it on purpose to try and prove a point that dd is her grandchild and she can do as she pleases she is never usually late for anything and even if her excuse was true it doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet.

I just feel like I took a big step today in allowing mil to take dd and she threw it back in my face. I feel so angry and as if mil has no respect for me at all. I have remained polite to keep the peace but I felt like screaming at her. Mil has sent a few messages today about unrelated stuff and I haven't really been responding she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while.

Thank you anyone who has reached the end I'm glad to get this off my chest.

Kick it into the long grass. Say "let's review in a few months" last outing wasn't as agreed and it has created a set-back I feel ....late return, no lunch, no communication.

This makes me feel really sad. She completely betrayed your trust and absolutely does not deserve to be given the chance to do this again. I also suffered from anxiety and completely understand how you are feeling but actually you don't need to be parted from your child yet, even if convention insists you 'should'. I used to go for a long bath or a bit of gardening while a trusted friend looked after my DD for an hour or so, and that was enough. Two-years-old is still very young and it'll happen naturally when you're ready. My DD is now grown up and confident (and off abroad for a couple of weeks without me!).

this happened to me too, first time dps mum and dad took ds out (just turned 6 months at this point - they were 2 nearly 3 hours late, uncontactable and had given my baby who had prev only had milk and pureed veg, a bite of ham sandwich and a ready salted crisp.

he was absolutely starving when he got home as I had only sent one bottle and some water as they were only supposed to be 2 hours.

they have not and will not take him out again.

Oh dear, I do understand where you're coming from. I had really bad PND when my eldest was a baby and I was really anxious about leaving him with others, even DH to begin with. Thankfully it became easier with time. It's not easy though when people don't do things as you've asked.

Is there anyone else you could work on leaving your DC with, perhaps from your own family or a childminder? Hopefully that will help build your confidence in learning your DC.

I really don't understand this mentality of people who want to look after their grandchildren but without the parents there. My parents love seeing our kids, and are great with looking after them alone now their older. But when they were babies, the second one needed something my parents handed them straight back. They didn't want anything to do with poo filled nappies or screaming babies!

OP I seriously struggled to let anyone care for my first DS my anxiety about it was through the roof and I didn’t even have PND.
My mum didn’t look after my kids until DS was 10 and ds2 was 6, (only because of logistics and her husband) and within 2 hours she accidentally fed DS2 dairy which he is anaphylactic to.
I was absolutely fucking livid.

Our situations are different of course, I just wanted to show that I totally understand how you feel.

What she did was totally and utterly out of order, she did it deliberately but all she’s done is shot herself in the foot.

Good luck taking DD out again after that, MIL!

Bang out of order and YANBU.

I’m pregnant and are suffering from terrible Pre-natal depression and anxiety so I know how hard it must have been for you to let go and give in to something you perceive as ‘high risk’. And how awful you will feel now in your management of the anxiety . Firstly you MIL needs to be made to understand this again and I think your DP is best placed to do this.

Looking at this particular scenario even if you didn’t have anxiety this would be completely bang out of order, returning your child an hr late without so much as an update in the meantime is disgraceful behaviour, I think any parent would have been climbing the walls after 15 minutes, especially seeing their enquirining message going unanswered. Plus then to have given her only a marshmallow to eat - WTAF!! In this particular context as other people said she is clearly being v passive aggressive and is trying to teach you a lesson - which is disgusting. As others have said I would say something yourself but keep it quite top line, I’d then let your husband have the deeper conversation on why what she did was unacceptable on many levels.

I’d just message her back saying something like ‘honestly not really, I can’t help but be disappointed that you brought DD back an hour late without so much as an explanation or a holding message in that time to let me know you would be late. I know I have anxiety, but ANY parent would have been worried and frightened - anxiety or not.’

Leave it there don’t enter into any further discussions and let your DP pick it up from there ASAP.

Best of luck with the anxiety, I know how horrible it is. Xxx

Morning everyone thank you again for all the messages and advice some really good suggestions and I dont actually feel so nuts after all.

DH quite often has dd on this own he takes her out for days out or has her at home while I go out for various things sometimes so i can socialise with my friends so we have a pretty good balance between us.

I did send dd with some healthy snacks in her bag which hadnt been touched when she got home the snacks were all food dd likes.

I still haven't responded to mil she messaged me again this morning asking how I am and if I'm annoyed with her i feel like it she has to ask she already knows the answer.

We have fairly regular contact wheveer she requests to come over I usually accommodate her I've only a handful of occasions said it's not convenient as dd is unwell or we are out so it's not as though she is kept at arms length.

With regards to dds shame it was out of a choice of 2 the one I really wanted was a tribute to my mum (not her actual name but a name closely related to hers and the meaning was very similar) I think mil felt a little jealous by this and made it clear she thought the name was awful and anyone she knows that has been called that name is horrible I got fed up with listening to it so i went with my 2nd choice my dds name really suits her now so i wouldn't change it but at the time I felt upset. I feel like yesterday and today she is creeping around me I think she knows she has blown it.

Dds name*

I don't think there's any obligation to reply to her, take your time and reply when you want to, or don't at all, or let your DH talk to her. She sounds very hard work.

I don’t think anyone would want this person looking after their child, apart from the fact that she’s totally insensitive and doesn’t respect boundaries.
I would keep her at arm’s length. Your anxiety is justified.

I think you are going to need to batten down the hatches. If you keep her at arms length (which I would undoubtedly do) then you’re likely to get her tantrumming. But if/when she does start tantrumming then you need to treat her like you’d treat a toddler and don’t give in. Otherwise it will only get worse.

I would respond to her or she'll keep pestering you. Something as simple as
'I'm fine thank you, hope you are well. I am annoyed about yesterday but I am still collecting my thoughts about it and I'll discuss it when I'm ready.'

If she continues pestering then you are free to ignore her as you've stated you aren't ready yet.

I would hold back from seeing her on your own a while and just do it with your partner present.

Ball back into her court. Tell her that of course she has annoyed you with her performance yesterday, but don't give specifics. Either she knows what she did wrong, in which case she shouldn't have done it in the first place and at the least should have apologised profusely, or she doesn't, in which case she is most certainly not fit to have DD again. If you have to go through your list of grievances point by point and explain why each one of them has pissed you off, she isn't going to win Granny of the Year any time soon!

Just seen Handsfull13's suggested text - send that! It's polite, to the point and, most importantly, reserves control of the situation to you. I think control could be something you need to start clawing back.

@haffiana Thing is, people who do not have anxiety do not understand people who have anxiety.

This! same as people who've never had migraines think its just a headache.

YANBU OP, not at all, she sounds dreadful. I have a MIL who repeatedly shows us that she will not listen to or respect our wishes so she wont be taking our DD unsupervised until DD is much older.

Only part of read thread but even without the the pnd it's courtesy to simply keep you updated esp if you had plans to go out later.
It's just rude.

Yes I agree op it's also a power thing. What's wrong with these women.

It's so disrespectful.

You need support to deal with your PND and anxiety, not tantrums and games playing

This

I'm so sorry you're still struggling - that's a long time to be suffering.

And you and DH sound lovely, a great team

You're doing so well and working so hard AND doing all the right things. MIL is either a PA bitch or really doesn't get it. I didn't have PND but know what it feels like to have irrational anxiety and hate yourself - please be very kind to yourself OP X

So she's asking if you're annoyed with her-apart from anything else she didn't feed a young child FFS!

Has she even apologised?

Be prepared.... she’s totally going to “drop in” claiming to be worried about your mental health because you’re not answering. Do not let her make you feel like the crazy one in this situation!!! What she did was controlling and nasty.

I didn't have pnd or any mental health issues and there's no way I would let someone have my dd if they were going to bring her back mid afternoon without having fed her.
No way.

She took your daughter put for that length of time and gave her a marshmallow? No wonder she had cut knees she probably fell due to low blood sugar. What an idiot. That alone would make me say, "No sorry, I let you take her out over lunch time and you didn't feed her. I can't trust you to look after her."
You took a big step letting her go and she fucked up.
Wouldn't be happening again if it were me.
Also if you have another child don't let her dictate what the child will be called.

YANBU, your MIL sounds horrendous and doesn't seem to have best interests of either DD or you in mind. Just don't let her have her again. She's lost the opportunity.

Op, as others have suggested, keep MIL at arms length! I had a similar experience with my “D”M. First time I left dd with her, same age as yours, I was desperate for help as I was needed at work and had no other choice! I came home and M flew out of the door saying “I need to get back, got a train to catch” and as I stood in the hallway with my coat still on, dd proceeded to vomit blue sick...BLUE SICK! Mother had only fed her crappy biscuits and Ribena all fucking day! I will also point out she wanted me to PAY her to look after dd!!! Seriously!? Every time M looks after her, dd gets sick or injured. She is now 11 and M has only looked after her alone 3 times. I just said “no more”, my anxiety couldn’t take it.

My MIL is amazing, dh is amazing. You will have sound people around you, people who genuinely want to take care of you and dd. You do not need tokenism and competitive grand parenting. Good luck op

i dont think you are being unreasonable at all. Well done first for taking a big step which you were not obliged to take and im terribly sorry for you that your trust was abused in this way.

i let my mum and sisters baby sit for me, but i still message to ask if my kids are ok and if they have eaten and it is never taken in the wrong way, infact my family offer such informaiton up as part of being responsible care givers.

if i was in your position i would not allow the grandparent to have my child by herself again, marshmallows for lunch. are you kidding me? seriously irresponsible woman in my opinion.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to just going to pull back a bit shame because when its just me and her we get on fantastically i won't say or do anything to damage dhs or dd relationship with mil but I will be making myself clear no more babysitting I will also be telling me how upset and worried I was yesterday I'm fully prepared for her to kick off. I have an appointment with my counsiller on Friday so will chat to her about what's gone on be good to talk to someone freely irl without having to watch what I'm saying my dad is absolutely disgusted about the situation and has always found her to be competitive when its not a competition they both have very separate relationships with Dd.