Grandmother or not.. you don't do this.

[Cheeseandcrisps]

Hi everyone fully prepared to be told iabu I may be being a bit sensitive at the moment as I'm going through a bit of a hard time.

I have a dd age 2 went through a hell of a lot to have her I'm only just starting to get over pnd but I still have a lot of anxiety and dd and I are very attached to one another.

I dont really ever leave dd with anyone apart from dh unless its at my home and I'm just popping out for a bit of food shopping. I am forever being told this isn't normal and I am trying to work on my anxiety and learn to let go a little bit.

My mil and I have a fairly good relationship but she has never been able to understand my pnd or why I feel so uncomftable leaving dd with anyone. I've always allowed her regular visits but she cries alot saying she should be allowed time on her own with Dd as thats what all her friends get with their dgc. These comments have never been very helpful and if anything it's made me pull away from the idea more. Since dd was born I've found her quite overbearing and anyone that's witnessed her behaviour towards dd have agreed. When I used to live with her she used to send us texts telling us to get home immediately with her granddaughter as she wanted a cuddle.

Last week I decided I can't stand to keep hearing that I am being unfair so i decided that I would arrange with mil to collect dd today and take her out for a couple of hours.. as expected she took my hand off.

Mil came to collect dd late morning and asked what time I would like her returned I requested she bring her back at 2 as there was an event on in a local town I wanted to take her to later that afternoon. I did ask mil if she would like to come but she said it would be too busy for her fair enough i thought.

I didn't want to hound mil while they were out so after about an hour I dropped her a quick text asking if they were having fun she read the message but totally ignored me I left it there and didn't text again but il admit the lack of response was a little upsetting mil knew that this was a big thing for me however pathetic it sounds. I kept myself busy and got on with some much needed housework as 2 o'clock got nearer I started feeling relief that dd would be home but proud that I had got through that time 2 o'clock came and went no sign of mil or dd i didn't want to jump straight on mil people are late but then it got to half past and I started to worry so i checked mils Facebook which told me she was active so i popped her a message asking if everything was okay she saw the message and ignored about 10 minutes later she responded with 5 mins and then finally 20 mins or so later she finally walked in with mil who was full of excuses but not a single apology she said that someone she was with needed the toilet which I think was a shit excuse if you'll pardon the pun.

I dont want to sound dramatic but the first 30 mins I really started to panic thinking something might of happened. By the time mil arrived I was feeling quite angry and upset.

Dd started asking for food straight away so i asked mil what dd had for lunch she told me she gave her marshmallow. Both her knees were cut where she had fallen over.

Mil that asked me if i was still taking dd out for the afternoon I said I wouldn't be as it was too late and atleast a 30 min drive I wanted to be at the place by 3 not leaving to drive there at 3 still no apology.

I can't shake the feeling MIL did it on purpose to try and prove a point that dd is her grandchild and she can do as she pleases she is never usually late for anything and even if her excuse was true it doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet.

I just feel like I took a big step today in allowing mil to take dd and she threw it back in my face. I feel so angry and as if mil has no respect for me at all. I have remained polite to keep the peace but I felt like screaming at her. Mil has sent a few messages today about unrelated stuff and I haven't really been responding she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while.

Thank you anyone who has reached the end I'm glad to get this off my chest.

YANBU. You took a huge step forward and instead of supporting you, your MIL blew it big time. As PP said don't respond to her texts - let DH tell her why you are so upset with her.

I would cut down contact as well. She sounds batshit and is not helping you deal with your PND. She is probably adding to it. Have you spoken about her to your counsellor? If you haven't maybe you should.

So sorry you lost your mum and that both she and your DD have missed out.

she brought you up ok and you turned out alright didn’t you?

Have a biscuit.

Have all the biscuits...

So sorry this has all happened but very glad to see your DH is totally understanding and on your side, and not everyone will abide your trust like this, I hope it works out well with others over time. Would it be too late to change her name? Or to include it as a middle name?

I agree that your MIL did this on purpose. She would call it 'tough love' I expect, I'd call in unsupportive and unhelpful.

The two cut knees are a non issue. Toddlers scratch their knees (if you let them play and don't hover over them). Presumably she didn't actually cut the baby....

However she ignored a stressed mum, she didn't feed a toddler and came home late. She has showed she can't be trusted and wanted to teach you a lesson... well you learned the lesson and that's that she doesn't get unsupervised visits anymore.

Just to to try and see it from MIL's pov; an hour is not the end of the world, maybe they just lost track of time, maybe DD didn't want/refused lunch and knew she would get away with just eating sweets with MIL whereas she wouldn't with you.
Ask DD if she wants to go out alone with MIL again and at least give her a second chance if DD seems enthusuastic. Perhaps give MIL a packed lunch to take next time so at least you know DD will have lunch.

Take your anxiety out of the picture. Then consider the late return, cut knees and lack of appropriate food. Its a no brainer, she is an idiot. Any cafe could do a child friendly meal, she needed to take better care of her and she didnt. She does not respect you or your feelings and to me that says everything you need to know. Deep breath, keep it polite and tell her how disappointed you are with her level of 'care'. I look after my dogs better than she did your child.

for you OP. I'm sorry to hear you lost your own mother and about your PND and anxiety.

Your MIL is definitely the one with issues here. It's not her right to take her DGD out alone. Your MIL is putting her own needs and desire to show off to her friends above yours and your DD's.

Even without any PND, I did not allow my DC to be alone with my inlaws until they were old enough to speak up for themselves and keep themselves safe. My MIL also was not respectful of mine and DH's choices over names and our mode of parenting. She took every opportunity to question our methods I had no confidence that she would not do everything 'wrong' just to prove a point.

Fast forward many years and my DC have a good relationship with my inlaws and my inlaws have mellowed, but I look back at how they were and still feel I made the right decision. Your DD is your DD and you have every right to decide who you will leave her alone with and for how long. Good luck with her starting nursery. It's lovely when they come home and tell you about their experiences.

Your mil is questioning your sanity? You should be questioning hers. If she were a well balanced individual, she wouldn’t be having tantrums because she didn’t like your dds name or because she wants your dd on her own or because your friend will be looking after your dd, not her. And she certainly would have brought your dd back on time, responded to your messages and fed her a satisfactory lunch.

I’m really pleased to see your dh is on the same page. It sounds as if he has your back and that’s the way it should be. I also wouldn’t respond to her and let him deal with the situation. She doesn’t deserve a response. Besides she didn’t respond to you so she can hardly have a tantrum about you doing the same.

She’s done you a favour now though, (probably doesn’t seem like it atm though)
You don’t need an reason for her not to have her, she let you down and increased your anxiety

@marjorie25 what a load of rubbish. OP has clearly addressed her issues in her posts and the fact that she's aware of them means she is actively trying to address them. Partly due to location (no family close by) my children have never really been left with anyone and due to an autistic child we've never ever even had a baby sitter and a night out (20 years). None of my children have had any issues with being with 1 parent for the first 4/5 years of their lives and most will only have been left once or twice due to how difficult even having childcare was. In part this probably didn't help MY anxiety as I could never have even a break for a hairdresser or something but the children are happy and well adjusted. My youngest is wary of strangers but I don't see that as a bad thing.

Goodness, this reminds me of that thread where a relation (mil or aunt I think?) looked after a young child for a short time and managed to deliberately feed him something he was highly allergic to as she thought the mother was being pfb about it all and that the problem didn’t really exist. They ended up in hospital overnight - desperately unwell and, when called on it, the relation had a fit about the parents being rude to her!!

I think dont reply to MIL - your silence will speak volumes. So glad to hear that your dh is supportive - he must take her to task over this. Stupid, stupid woman - if she had kept you updated, given your dd lunch and arrived back on time (you know, like a normal person) then it is entirely possible that you would have felt happy enough to let her try again. As it is, she has totally shut herself in the foot.

Pretty shocking that she tantrummed about your name choice and then you changed it. What a horrid bully she is.

OP I really feel for you. I'm a SAHM. I had terrible anxiety after my DD was born. I actually couldn't leave her (she had medical and feeding issues) apart from really short periods like if I popped to the supermarket for nearly her whole first year. My DM and MIL were both on hand to have her whenever I liked when DH was at work, but I really struggled when the time came that I actually could leave her without issue. I found it nearly impossible.

With counselling, I'm much better (she's 2.5 now). Even now though my DM and MIL tend to babysit here, just because all of DDs stuff is here and they don't see her as some sort of toy to be paraded around for her friends. But now I'm perfectly comfortable to leave them the whole day, and they might or might not take her out themselves, I leave it up to them. I recently left DD overnight too - that was hard, but we were both fine. Difference is neither of them have ever behaved in the way your MIL has and DD is more than well looked after, fed, kept safe (or thoroughly spoiled is probably more like it!).

You will feel better with time, and the right support. Keep going. It's is hard and you absolutely do not need you MIL undermining you like this. What a horrible thing to do.

Please tell her straight. And get your DH on side and get him to do the same. Her behaviour is unacceptable and to be honest other mums I know who don't have anxiety wouldn't be happy at their small child being brought home and hour late with no text to say, not fed etc.

@Cheeseandcrisps

I really hate what my pnd has done to me I used to be so easy going

Don't beat yourself up. I was easy-going, didn't have pnd, but would have been just as anxious in your shoes. When I went back to work (DD was 3 months old, had bronchitis, and it was January) my PiL wanted to childmind so I agreed, provided she wasn't put outside. MiL kept on saying she (baby) needed fresh air. I said No, keep her inside. First day back from work FiL let it slip that DD had been outside all day in her pram. That ended the childminding, I never trusted them alone with her again.

You can't change how you feel about your children, and others nagging don't help. Mine are both adult now, perfectly well balanced, but I got so much pressure when they were growing up because I wouldn't allow them go on school trips abroad. "They'll never be independent. You're mollycoddling them. You're over-protective." You do what you can deal with, and I couldn't deal with them going abroad without me until they were in their late teens. As adults they've gone backpacking in Australia, diving, skydiving, a year abroad on the Erasmus programme, being 'over-protected' hasn't impacted on them negatively at all. They're really secure and self-confident.

Some people are suggesting you get your husband to talk to his mum as is often the case on MN. I don't think this is a good idea. You and MIL are both adults, it seems immature to want another adult as a go between. You are a grown woman and can speak for yourself. I also wouldn't want to risk my poor relationship with my MIL adversely effecting my DH's relationship with his mum.

When she asks to take your DD out again, say calmly, politely and clearly 'No, because you were so late last time It scared me and threw out my plans for the day'. If she persists just repeat. If she throws a tantrum, let her. You are not responsible for her feelings.

Well done for trying to overcome your worries and allowing your DD to spend time without you. In the end it will be good for both of you.

At least when she asks again you can ask her if she's fucking kidding.

She probably doesn't respect you-you changed your daughter's name for her???

Obvious why she thinks she can walk all over you.

At least you can stop it now.

Giving a hungry toddler lunch (by 3pm!) is incredibly basic care.

Nobody who fails EVEN TO MANAGE THAT should be left in charge of a toddler. How could MIL possibly think that was acceptable?!

And that's even without getting into all her other shitty behaviour.

Your dh sounds great. He needs to tell the mil straight. You sound aware and like you're keen to tackle your anxiety. I think although at the moment it seems like a disaster, I think you'll use this experience to try new challenges that suit you better- leaving her more with tried and trusted people. My mil did stuff like this and I didn't have pnd- felt very gaslighted in all interactions with her. I spent so much time questioning what I was doing wrong with her, but actually a decade later I see she's really insecure and this is at the root of the difficult behaviour. I couldn't have fixed that even if I let my dd stay with her 24/7.

My mum did this and it was awful and I didn’t have anxiety or pnd so I can’t imagine what it was like for you. It is not acceptable. My baby was younger and breast fed and it was a miller light as a meal when she went to a town I’d specifically asked her not to as I needed her back. She ‘got on the wrong bus’ apparently and she was only up the road so why she needed to get on a bus I don’t know lol. Still don’t trust her at all and little one is 8 now haha

@marjorie25 are you the MIL? Have a

Firstly, well done for getting over the hurdle of leaving your dd with someone else. It's massive (even without PND it's a hurdle for everyone) and you should be proud that you did it.

YANBU - your mil is totally out of line and she needs to know what you have said here - maybe show her this thread, or just your own OP.

However, I know that this is a hard conversation to have directly, so perhaps your DH/DP should have a talk with her face-to-face - he can outline how upset you (quite reasonably) felt with how she behaved. He can also explain (if you want him to) how your PND makes you more anxious and that you and dd have a (totally normal) strong attachment bond that makes it very difficult to leave her with someone else.

Do try and have (trustworthy) people look after dd for short periods of time, because that will help you and her in the long run, but start small - perhaps they can play with her in the house and garden while you catch up on sleep or housework. Don't feel you have to allow mil to take her out 1-on-1 for a while no matter how much she cries or says "all my friends get this" (she sounds like a stroppy teen who hasn't got the latest trainers!) - she can have supervised visits (you go out with her or she stays in the house and plays) or remote contact - Skype etc. or no contact at all (this would be much harder to enforce though).
You gave in to her endless nagging and decided to trust her with the most precious thing you have, and she blew it. She returned your child an hour late with no notice or explanation, with no lunch and two injured knees! I don't care whether the child is two months old, two years old or 12 - this is unacceptable. She may have thought that you were being stingy only allowing her a couple of hours, and decided to extend it to what she thought was a reasonable length of time, but that's not her call to make - it's yours.

One last thing - ignore the people telling you that your attachment and anxiety are "not normal" - they're fine. Children don't generally suffer from their parents loving them and being near them most of the time!

You say you get on well with her, invite her for a coffee and a chat, explain how you feel and that you were happy for her to have dd but full contact (not overbearing but checking in) is essential. You both obviously adore dd, you should be thankful that as a grandparent she's so keen to get involved, it's good for a family to have that connection and support - but everyone must be on the same page and at the moment it sounds like that's what's missing.

It sounds like your DH has your back on this, which is really good news.

It's not just mil that has said that me not leaving dd is not normal her sister and bil said it as well but their just as possessive over dd I've also had a few of my own aunts have a moan and say I should be grateful for the help and you never heard of pnd when they had their kids. This was all when dd was a tiny baby she's a loud messy toddler now so their not as interested anymore.

This made me laugh--people can be so selfish. It's all about them wanting to spend time with the cute baby, not what would actually be good for you or DD. Anyway, bollocks to anyone's nonsense if they say it's "abnormal" for you to not be leaving your daughter yet. 2 is very young and there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that for YOUR family, she is too young to be left with others yet.

She fucked up majorly. She’s been begging to have time alone with her for months, you finally caved and she majorly disrespected you by ignoring your wishes and didn’t even feed your DD! I wouldn’t be letting your DD go with her again.

You don't have to let your MIL have your DD just because all her friends get to have their GC to look after, you know. If she wants to do 'competitive grandmothering' she can do it with another child until your DD is old enough for you to feel more comfortable leaving her.