Grandmother or not.. you don't do this.

[Cheeseandcrisps]

Hi everyone fully prepared to be told iabu I may be being a bit sensitive at the moment as I'm going through a bit of a hard time.

I have a dd age 2 went through a hell of a lot to have her I'm only just starting to get over pnd but I still have a lot of anxiety and dd and I are very attached to one another.

I dont really ever leave dd with anyone apart from dh unless its at my home and I'm just popping out for a bit of food shopping. I am forever being told this isn't normal and I am trying to work on my anxiety and learn to let go a little bit.

My mil and I have a fairly good relationship but she has never been able to understand my pnd or why I feel so uncomftable leaving dd with anyone. I've always allowed her regular visits but she cries alot saying she should be allowed time on her own with Dd as thats what all her friends get with their dgc. These comments have never been very helpful and if anything it's made me pull away from the idea more. Since dd was born I've found her quite overbearing and anyone that's witnessed her behaviour towards dd have agreed. When I used to live with her she used to send us texts telling us to get home immediately with her granddaughter as she wanted a cuddle.

Last week I decided I can't stand to keep hearing that I am being unfair so i decided that I would arrange with mil to collect dd today and take her out for a couple of hours.. as expected she took my hand off.

Mil came to collect dd late morning and asked what time I would like her returned I requested she bring her back at 2 as there was an event on in a local town I wanted to take her to later that afternoon. I did ask mil if she would like to come but she said it would be too busy for her fair enough i thought.

I didn't want to hound mil while they were out so after about an hour I dropped her a quick text asking if they were having fun she read the message but totally ignored me I left it there and didn't text again but il admit the lack of response was a little upsetting mil knew that this was a big thing for me however pathetic it sounds. I kept myself busy and got on with some much needed housework as 2 o'clock got nearer I started feeling relief that dd would be home but proud that I had got through that time 2 o'clock came and went no sign of mil or dd i didn't want to jump straight on mil people are late but then it got to half past and I started to worry so i checked mils Facebook which told me she was active so i popped her a message asking if everything was okay she saw the message and ignored about 10 minutes later she responded with 5 mins and then finally 20 mins or so later she finally walked in with mil who was full of excuses but not a single apology she said that someone she was with needed the toilet which I think was a shit excuse if you'll pardon the pun.

I dont want to sound dramatic but the first 30 mins I really started to panic thinking something might of happened. By the time mil arrived I was feeling quite angry and upset.

Dd started asking for food straight away so i asked mil what dd had for lunch she told me she gave her marshmallow. Both her knees were cut where she had fallen over.

Mil that asked me if i was still taking dd out for the afternoon I said I wouldn't be as it was too late and atleast a 30 min drive I wanted to be at the place by 3 not leaving to drive there at 3 still no apology.

I can't shake the feeling MIL did it on purpose to try and prove a point that dd is her grandchild and she can do as she pleases she is never usually late for anything and even if her excuse was true it doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet.

I just feel like I took a big step today in allowing mil to take dd and she threw it back in my face. I feel so angry and as if mil has no respect for me at all. I have remained polite to keep the peace but I felt like screaming at her. Mil has sent a few messages today about unrelated stuff and I haven't really been responding she's just messaged asking if everything is okay and I just dont know what to write back or what I will say next time she asks to have dd. At the moment she has broken my trust and I probably wont allow her to take her out again unsupervised for a good while.

Thank you anyone who has reached the end I'm glad to get this off my chest.

She has shown she is untrustworthy and what kind of a grandmother gives her grandchild just marshmallows for lunch? She sounds very odd. Your dc must have been hungry. I would not let her have her again on her own for a year or so. If she asks why tell her your dc needs a proper lunch not marshmallows and she was irresponsible not to feed her properly.

She's done it purposely to stop you taking her out that afternoon, in the hope that she can spend the rest of the day with your DD!

If anyone gave my 2yo a marshmallow they wouldn't be looking after them again. They're dangerous to give to small children.

You changed her name because mil moaned?! No way!

What is her obsession with spending time alone? No, she can come over and see her with you there. Weird. Put your boundaries in place, OP, and get your dh on board.

I don't have any anxiety and I'm more than happy for my MIL to take my toddler DD for a few hours at a time and have been since she was really little.

If my MIL did what yours has done today I would be really cross and would be considering not letting her look after her again.

You aren't overreacting, anyone would be pretty pissed off in this situation regardless of any anxiety.

Good grief YANBU.
Your MIL doesn’t understand PND or anxiety. But she doesn’t need to understand them, she needs to respect your requests.

Not replying to texts would worry a lot of parents regardless of anxiety. Marshmallows are obviously not a meal. I have no idea why she thought that was suitable.

I have looked after DGD on my own and am hyper aware of potential risks and feel awful if She does end up falling and grazing her knees. I know it can’t always be helped but you need to feel that whoever is looking after your child, they are doing whatever they can to make sure they’re safe, happy and fed decent meals.

I do not get this thing about GPS having time alone with a GC. I love DGD to bits and whether I’m on my own with her or not, just being around is lovely. She has broken your trust and rightly made you unwilling to leave DD on her own with her.

YANBU I would find that really hard and an abuse of my trust. I have an 8 year old DD and a straightforward birth and no PND. I was quite happy to let family and friends take her and look after her. Last year I had a baby boy, a traumatic birth and PND and PTSD. Ive let my mum who I trust more than anyone, have him for an hour while I had an appointment and that's as much as I can handle. I can only imagine how difficult it was to make that first step and MIL completely overstepped the mark. Whilst I wouldn't write her off having your DD on her own again ever, she needs to know it will take time to build up the trust again

I don't understand why she wasn't back on time - she must've known you would feel this way? Then again, if you changed your daughter's name to please her she clearly feels she can do whatever she likes without consequences.

The bit about 'someone she was with needing the toilet' (which doesn't explain being so late back) makes me think she met up with some of her pals to show off what a wonderful granny she is. Bet she talked about 'my baby' as well. While the others cooed and made a fuss of her, not just the baby.

Just say no. And keep saying it, whatever batshit nonsense she comes out with.

I would be honest "I'm ok thanks, a little annoyed if I am being honest, today was a big deal for me, you knew that. Not only were you late, you didn't reply to my message, you didn't feed dd, you ruined my plans for the afternoon and didn't even apologise. I should have trusted myself and continued to say no, I'll know better next time. You are welcome anytime to see dd but after today do not ask for dd alone again"

This ^ is the perfect response.

YANBU. And I think this isn’t PND talking, it’s just that your MIL is a daft cow.

Sorry everyone dh has just got home from work so we are having a chat I will read all your messages and update you all soon (probably in an hour or so) thank you for all the kind messages as well.

I'd bet she was part of the reason you developed PND.

You tried to trust her, and she let you down very badly.

And as for marshmallows for lunch - the mind boggles! You could point out to your DH that his mother doesn't have much of a clue about feeding a child, so who knows what else she'd be clueless about.

I wouldn't be surprised if some of your anxiety actually stems from MILs behaviour.

At least you now know that there's actually a good reason why you're anxious to let MIL care for DD alone- it's because she doesn't feed her, doesn't explain how she got hurt, and cocks up arrangements you've already made.

Your repeated allusions to your anxiety make it sound as though you think that it's your problem which you need to somehow swallow down. From what you've said, MIL is very very pushy , and poor at meeting your child's needs- I'd say you had strong parenting instincts.

And she made you change your child's name - WTAF?!

Oh love firstly well done on taking the step to let her take DD. That's a really big thing.
Secondly, don't do it again, she had her chance and blew it hugely.
I'd send DH around there with a load of info on PND and say that she is highly unlikely to be welcome in a supervisory role with DD until she's read it.
I'm glad you're having counselling, it will assist you getting your self esteem back.
You are your daughter's advocate, no one should vilify you for it.

I had a child round for a play date recently, it was his first one. His mum was very twitchy and had texted before we even arrived home from school (she was there to say goodbye to him too!)
I was incredibly busy with 4 other children but I texted, I sent photos, a video of him playing. I did this because I wanted to reassure her during what was obviously a stressful time.
He was fine, she was fine, they've both sailed through that 1st time now. Why the fuck a woman couldn't do the same for the mother of her granddaughter is beyond me. She knew what she was doing

Your MIL is vile. I think you should go very, very low contact with her, or even no contact.

She has carried on so much about the name YOU chose for YOUR child that you felt you had no choice to change it? Vile.

She betrayed your trust when you first left your DD with her, not feeding her and not returning when agreed, so the rest of your plans had to be forgotten. Controlling, wanky and VILE.

She messages your DH to question your sanity if she doesn't get her own way? Utterly and totally Vile.

TBH - if your DH is not sticking up for you against her, I think you should leave him. Your MIL is truly awful. How hard would it have been to snap a photo of your DD and send it to you when you were anxious. Or say sorry for running late.

She is a complete control freak. I'd have nothing to do with her. Any contact can be done only when DH does it. She doesn't get to have your DC on her own again. She used your child to try to punish you and prove a point.

My MIL is similar. She has never had DD's (10+8) on her own and never will.

Tell your DH that she has betrayed your trust, and you are angry at her. That you will not be meeting with her, unless he is there, and keep to it.

MH problems are shit, aren’t they?

I don’t want this to hurt you, but I wonder if rather than helping you, MIL is in fact contributing to your PND?

Had a chat with dh now and explained what I told all of you about what happened today dh completely agrees and said she in bang out of line. He said he just doesn't understand her she never used to be like this before dd came along and he said it looks as though she did it to make a point and he is very sorry that she hurt me like this today.

DH is very supportive back when we lived at mils and I was diagnosed with pnd he was the one that actually said it was probably partly down to his mum and he moved us out the next day he has reminded him mum loads of times to back off to be honest he doesn't have an awful lot of time for her anymore he has said loads of times he finds being around her when dd is around to be hard work and he has put her in her place plenty of times when she has tried to muscle in on special occasions.

He said I don't have to do anything I dont want to do and he will be telling his mum how much she has upset me today and how she's blown it for herself if she says one thing about my mental health then we will be cutting back the visits.

It's not just mil that has said that me not leaving dd is not normal her sister and bil said it as well but their just as possessive over dd I've also had a few of my own aunts have a moan and say I should be grateful for the help and you never heard of pnd when they had their kids. This was all when dd was a tiny baby she's a loud messy toddler now so their not as interested anymore.

I'm just pissed off with myself for feeling sorry for her when she sat getting upset that her friends get to take their dgc out and she always sees photos of then on day trips and holidays she really made me feel like I hated myself for not being "normal"

I think my own mum's death has a huge part to play aswell I used to grieve for her as my mum but now I grieve for her as my dds nanny. I just feel both my mum and dd were robbed. So glad to have my dh, dad and best friend their amazing and so understanding but not in a being walked over kind of way they don't just give me my own way and I wouldn't want them to that's not how I will get better and I know that I need to be challenged if I ever want to beat this and go back to being me. Dd is starting nursery in Sept I spent a lot of time researching nurseries in my local area I went and checked them out and I've spoken to my counsiller about it a lot I think it will really help me and dd.

I still haven't responded to mil I will probably write her tomorrow I just didn't want to respond while I was feeling hot headed as I want to get my point across in a grown up way without being rude. I dont need to be rude or aggressive to let her know what happened was far from okay.

What she did was a classic case of passive aggression. She tried to hurt you by not doing what she clearly should have done - returned on time, given dd a proper meal, answering your messages, etc.. People seem to think that by being hurtful by inaction they are somehow immune from blame or consequences. It's not true.

I'm so glad your dh is on board with this and yes, if you were living with your MIL when your dd was born, I think the causal link for your PND is quite obvious.

marjorie

I don't see any elephants - OP has been quite open about her difficulties - and has talked about steps to deal with them. She is doing a great job, not helped by a selfish and insensitive MIL.

What a nasty post!

"It doesn't take an hour to go to the toilet".
for most people no, but for some of us with medical issues, it can. It is a very rare occasion for me that it doesn't take me that long. So, while it was probably a lie, it wasn't definitely a lie.

Op I don't suffer from pnd or anxiety but my child has never spent a night away from me. Her grandparents don't demand 1 on 1 time alone with her but they still have a wonderful relationship. The only abnormal thing in this dynamic is your mil behaviour, it isn't normal as an adult to sulk and tantrum.

She didn't give her lunch?? I mean i might be able to forgive the lateness if there was a text to say so (i.e. prior to you having to chase her), and the grazed knees are annoying but not the worst thing, but who doesn't give a 2yo lunch? Pnd/anxiety or not, that shows she doesn't know what she's doing and cant be trusted. You need to talk to her and maybe say what your expectations are (e.g she needs a snack at 10am, lunch at 12 etc) and you can't trust her especially since she knew you were taking a big step. It would be a shame for your dd not to have that close bond with her dgm though, so perhaps in a few months time you could try again? Maybe pack her food etc so she won't get caught out?

I am a bit 😞 about her seeing it as her entitlement to enjoy her dgd, rather than wanting to take her out for the child's benefit. Seems a bit selfish. Do whatever is in the interests of dd - mil should be doing this too! Your dd isn't a play thing..