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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

MissVanjie · 03/06/2018 18:14

“Hang on, you turned up after the meal didn't you OP, so you've not done anything wrong as such. They said they couldn't accommodate you all”

The second sentence explains why the first sentence is wrong. ‘Can’t accommodate you all’ = not invited. Not then, not later.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 18:15

I think the issue was that they didn't know the ops partner's children. They didn't want anyone they hadn't met to be at the announcement.

I'm not precious about things like that but other people are. Announcements etc mean a lot to some people so why not respect their wishes and let them have their moment?

itswinetime · 03/06/2018 18:15

I don't want to beat you while your down op and I'm sure you realise rocking up was out of order. But I do think you need to have a bit of a think on things. You recived and invite to a party you asked if you could bring extra people and were told no with a reasonable explanation. You kept on at them. You seemed to take your partners children not being invite as a personal insult to you and them. It was rude and pushy to keep on at them over this. So while yes there may have been some overreaction but they were already upset before you showed up. All you can do now is apologies and give them space there is along time between now and any wedding. Things will calm down as long as you start listening and stop pushing so hard. Hopefully your brother and his fiancé will see that at it will all work out.

BewareOfDragons · 03/06/2018 18:15

I'm going to go the other way on this after reading only the first page:

You have been with this man for 18 MONTHS, so he is your partner and his children are part of your life.

Your Brother and his girlfriend were rude about not including him.

And she's even ruder by saying she won't marry your brother if you're invited to your brother's wedding? What a cow.

Quartz2208 · 03/06/2018 18:15

They did not want to tell you it was a special occasion but the hints were there and really even so did you honestly think their occasion was the time to do it engagement or not

You were incredibly selfish

NotTerfNorCis · 03/06/2018 18:15

The girlfriend sounds like a nutter. Crying? Saying she won't marry your brother if you're at the wedding? He'd be well shot of her.

FlibbertyGiblets · 03/06/2018 18:15

Oh dear, do aplogise, no buts or whataboutery.

Lessons to take away from this:
No means no.
Don't gatecrash events or piggyback your wants on someone else.
Humble pie tastes horrible.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 03/06/2018 18:15

YABU. The girlfriend's reaction was extreme, but maybe you have form for this kind of behaviour and she'd had just about enough of it. I don't know many people who would have turned up with partner's kids in tow after very firmly being told not to on more than one occasion. How embarrassing for everyone concerned. You may not have been malicious, but you were rude, selfish and totally insensitive.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 18:16

They were rude to not invite your partner and you were rude to turn up with them regardless

What? How's it rude not to invite her boyfriend they hardly know and kids they've never met ? That's bonkers.

QueenDoris · 03/06/2018 18:16

Send a text that says

"Sorry but apart from the multiple times you told me that my partner and his kids were not invited it was not clear to me that they weren't invited. I apologies if through some inadvertent communication breakdown my action may have insulted you. In the future I will make sure I will at least pay some attention to your texts before returning my gaze to my navel."

BifsWif · 03/06/2018 18:16

I would be furious with you too. Are you always so pushy and rude?

You were told, several times, that they were not invited. It doesn’t matter if you thought there would be room, or the meal would be finished. You were told no and did it anyway. Honestly, I wouldn’t want you at my wedding either. You obviously would bring whoever the fuck you wanted along with you.

SparklySeashell · 03/06/2018 18:17

YABU, and weird, what were you thinking to go mithering on about it and then just bloody turn up!!

Deshasafraisy · 03/06/2018 18:17

You behaved terribly, but you know that. Now you need to make amends.

Walkaboutwendy · 03/06/2018 18:17

I suspect this isn't an isolated incident and that the OP has form, hence the GFs reaction.

Boulty · 03/06/2018 18:18

ran upstairs in tears because some extra guests arrived.....

wow just wow… is your brother getting engaged to a toddler... does she usually cry at something so small...

However OP you are out of order, how MANY TIMES do you have to be told NO you cannot bring them! Are you really that silly that you ignore and ignore and annoy everyone...apologise

chickenowner · 03/06/2018 18:19

I think that your DBs fiance over-reacted but you were incredibly rude to turn up like that after you were repeatedly asked not to. It was explained to you why you couldn't bring your extended step family and you just ignored all that and did exactly what you wanted.

Do you always behave like this?

You owe your brother and his fiance a huge apology.

RedDogsBeg · 03/06/2018 18:19

Try listening to what people are saying to you, OP, - no means no and not "Well, I'll go round anyway with my DP and his girls and force a meet and greet on everyone there."

As others have said if you want your wider family to meet your DP and his girls then invite them to your house or out for a meal with you.

You need to admit you were totally in the wrong and apologise profusely to your brother and his girlfriend, learn from this and don't do anything like that again.

Sparklingbrook · 03/06/2018 18:19

Maybe OP's partner and the GF have had a thing in the past?

Barbaro · 03/06/2018 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/06/2018 18:20

You have been with this man for 18 MONTHS, so he is your partner and his children are part of your life.

She might have known him 18 months but she only met the children in December and now 6 months later she's expecting them to be included as if they are family. 18 months is such a short amount of time and I am sure they would accept the children if the relationship was to get serious but they have never met the children and he relationship is still quite new between them and the OP so I don't see why they should be a part of all family events.

Ruffian · 03/06/2018 18:20

If you told someone no and they basically said nah i'll do what the fuck I like you wouldn't be pissed off?

I wouldn't dream of excluding a family member's partner from a family occasion, especially if it's going to be an important announcement, and if it was my partner of 18 months being excluded I would want a bloody good reason why not just 'we can't accomodate them'.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 03/06/2018 18:20

I have a feeling that the tears aren't an overreaction because both the OP and her DP have form for ruining family events

foodiefil · 03/06/2018 18:21

You are pushy and demanding. You should send flowers, expensive champagne and a card and say you are sincerely sorry.

And you've embarrassed your partner and possible future step children. This one is entirely on you!

You ruined their moment and nothing can change that but you can try and make amends.

Sammyham · 03/06/2018 18:21

YABVU.

So what if you didn't know it was an engagement party, they didn't have to tell you, they'd already expressed it was a quite affair and explained that they'd like to meet your DP & his DD's but just not on this occasion and you should have left it at that.

Instead you disregarded everyone's wish's and went over all of their heads, if someone did this to you would you not think it showed a complete lack of respect?

I'd write them all cards apologising and give them some time to calm down, while I think you've acted extremely selfishly in time I do think you'll be able to rebuild the relationships if you do a bit of growing.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 18:21

I read it that they entered the garden just as the engagement was announced and "stole their thunder". It was obviously planned as something of an event with a meal and champagne.

In those circumstances I can imagine her being upset. I think she'll probably calm down though.

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