To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

Wow yabvvvu, they were so clear with you no wonder you’ve lost your invite to the wedding. It’s not all about you.

lots of drama.

You were bang out of order though - both in insisting in an invitation, refusing to go without the others, and then bringing them along anyway.

Those teenagers must have been mortified - I wouldn't want to go near your family again if I were them.

That said, all you can do is apologise profusely. Send a bunch of flowers to the fiancee and say "so so sorry, completely misread the situation, don't know what I was thinking but I won't do it again. This was all my fault. So glad you are marrying my brother he is a lucky man etc. "

Then apologise in similar terms to your brother.

Don't try to justify, don't try to explain, don't make it all about how bad you feel. Just apologise as deeply as you can and learn from the experience.

You need to apologise pronto - champagne, flowers and a card with a grovelling message. I agree it sounds like the girlfriend overreacted, but I can't say I blame her given you had been told repeatedly not to bring two children she'd never met. Have you got form for always wanting your own way, OP?

Bloody hell, OP -;what were you thinking?

I can understand your reaction far more than hers - you felt they were slighting your partner and his dc, you pressed it and should have left it but you wanted to make a point about how important they are to your life.

Her reaction is nuts. She ran away crying?? She won't marry him if you're invited?? That sounds unhinged.

Jeeeez, if she doesn’t marry him then he’s probably had a lucky escape. Talk about an over reaction

Your brother should take note of this event and ask himself, do I want this woman to be my wife.
I can see you on here in a couple of years saying that he is making your brother's life a living hell.
Just by her saying that if you are invited to the wedding she will not marry your brother is a huge red flag and when things settle down, this should be pointed out to your brother.
Being in love is fine, being in control is another thing.
From what you wrote, seems as if she will be wearing the pants, underpants too.

You were selfish and pig headed. I hope you are keeping your vomiting and constant crying to yourself, because otherwise it is just yet another way of making this all about you and making YOU feel better even though the mess is entirely your doing.
Their first response to your trying to expand their invitation to include your DP and his children was very conciliatory and specifically referenced looking forward to meeting them another time. But that wasn’t good enough for you was it?
You do sound ghastly, perhaps you aren’t, but you can’t blame your FSIL for coming to the same conclusion.

Good grief, I'd avoid the lot of you, so much fucking drama🙄

YWVU to go there at all after they've said no numerous times.

You come across as really self absorbed and entitled with no understanding of boundaries.

Your future SIL seems a bit precious for the behaviour at your gate crashing but I can understand why she's upset.

Sounds like you're quite similar but this was her moment and you failed to think of anyone but yourself.

They couldn't have made it clearer that they didn't want the kids there but you forced the situation. The girlfriend's reaction seems OTT but Is suspect it is more your blatant disregard for other people's wishes than actually coming face to face with the girls.

I suspect you have form for this

Yabu. I think you also owe your dp and his girls an apology, if you haven't already. What an awkward situation to be put in.

Am I the only one reading that the lunch was at 12:30 and they didn't go to the house till well after the meal finished at 4:30? So OP didn't crash the lunch at all, she literally popped by to say hello 4 hours later in good faith.

The reactions of your family are VU. Fiance's reaction is frankly embarrassing. Running away crying, really??

YABVU. You were so rude! You do NOT take people to any event when they have expressly not been invited. Even a casual one. You do NOT compound this by turning up late with uninvited guests in tow!

You need to send the GF a large bunch of flowers with a sincere apology. Hopefully, in time, she'll forgive you.

I'm exhausted just reading this.

God, you sound a nightmare OP. Regardless of any engagement, they told you not to bring your partner and his kids to their house on this occasion but you did so anyway. Why??

Vomiting and crying sounds ridiculous. I’m betting you’ve told your family that you’re reacting like this?

You need to listen more carefully to what people say. You were unreasonable. Whole family sounds a bit precious though. Bit of an over reaction but I understand they were annoyed as you did not take account of their wishes.

I feel so sorry for your boyfriend’s kids. It was your responsibility (no-one else’s) to make sure that any introductions to your family were positive interactions. It was absolutely incumbent on you to make sure beforehand that everyone present understood what they mean to you, and that they were looking forward to welcoming them. Teenagers do not easily bounce back from embarrassment and they have been loudly and dramatically rejected.
You owe them a huge apology and I expect your partner is also feeling humiliated and rejected and protective of his children.
Your SiL sounds ghastly but that is hardly the point. You have put everyone in a dreadful position and all you can do is offer heartfelt apologies and start respecting what they say to you in future.
Do NOT say “I’m sorry BUT...” & then try to justify yourself. That is not a proper apology. They need to know that you understand that you were 100% in the wrong, that you know exactly why they are so upset & that you will behave differently in future.
Those poor teenagers!

If you want your DP’s daughters to be introduced to your family organise an event where your family come to you and you host. Don’t gatecrash someone else’s - especially when you must have realised something else was going on. After three requests and three ‘no’s surely you know there’s something you don’t know yet. What if they wanted to tell the family one of them was ill or something?

Big apologies needed. Flowers / champagne / chocolates the full lots. And don’t ever do anything like that again.

The invite wasn't rude at all.

In fact if the SIL has asked on here about her DP's sister inviting her BF and his kids to a family dinner that's exactly what she would be told to respond with.

It makes no difference that they were announcing their engagement. You were told no and went ahead anyway. Selfish.

So you asked the gf twice, were told no by her twice, then asked your brother and were told no by him, went moaning to your mum, who went to your brother, who again told you no, then you turned up en masse anyway

Actually I think it's worse than that, I think she then declined the meal because they were not invited and then turned up unexpectedly and uninvited en masse.

I think most people would be pissed off. It's irrelevant they were getting engaged, the bottom line is you just don't push for people to be invited, repeatedly be told no, then come to their home anyway. The engagement just shows there was a reason for them saying no, which makes it worse for everyone.

Curious though. The sister drove the op home, which indicates she'd stayed and her boyfriend and daughters left in the car. So clearly didn't leave with him but stayed for a bit of a bun fight for good measure.

So did the gf know your brother was about to propose? And they set up a big family event to have an audience?

I dont know. They were rude to not invite your partner and you were rude to turn up with them regardless.

Is there always so much drama?

You were told no enough times to realise that you were to go on your own. But you arrive out of the blue with the people you were told not to bring in tow?

You were terribly rude to circumvent very clear instructions given to you, but it also sounds like the girlfriend was very much overreacting. Though I expect she's just very upset because she can never get that moment back - it's a real one time thing.

She probably needs a grovelling apology from you and then some space and time and I'm sure she will get over it. Your brother will presumably want you at his wedding once he's had time to simmer down so I expect he will reason with her. Give it an apology and time and see if it blows over.

And for god's sake, next time someone says your partners kids etc aren't invited don't take it upon yourself to turn up with them anyway!

The brass neckery (BN) of the OP has made me laugh. No answer to bell? Just go around the back with people who were expressly NOT invited. In an awful way I want OP to come back and do a massive dripfeed of all of the other ways she has overstepped boundaries. I'm sure this is not the first.