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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 03/06/2018 17:55

Yes, agree that (unfortunately) to your family they are some random guy's kids which would eventually change when you became a step parent I guess. Maybe. You were definitely unreasonable to act like a particularly stubborn bull in a China shop when you knew for a fact they didn't want to entertain partner and family. I would have phoned when they didn't answer the bell, not wandered in with kids in tow.

I don't think her reaction was in proportion though - if she posted on here I think a fair few would have said that if you've been together for 18 months and sibling's spouses were invited then it would have been nice to invite him, at least.

musicinthe00ssucks · 03/06/2018 17:55

You have the most dramatic family ever! First you shouldn't have turned up with your partner and his daughters in tow when you were asked not to. The whole thing sounds bizarre if I'm honest. Why was your brother proposing in front of the entire extended family? If I were you I'd steer well clear; if this is the drama over the proposal imagine the wedding!

Flyme21 · 03/06/2018 17:56

The reaction is over the top but I can understand how it might have been in the heat of the moment. I can't imagine why you decided to do what you did and quite honestly I think you did it because you were pissed off and wanted to make a point. Backfired big time didn't it?

mimibunz · 03/06/2018 17:56

Grovelling is a good idea. Just because it wasn’t malicious doesn’t mean it was right.

FiestaThenSiesta · 03/06/2018 17:57

I don’t blame her - you appear to have no boundaries and so she’s firmly shoving you back after you crossed hers. I wonder if there’s family dynamics here.... areyou the child who always got her way in your family and your brother was always sidelined? Because you appear not to respect your brother’s wishes at all.

If this was a single error in judgement, then you should have no problem mending bridges. From her over reaction, it sounds more like this is the straw that broke the camel’s back

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/06/2018 17:57

Sounds like she’s a bit of a princess but then you sound incredibly self involved so it evens out really.
Accept that you might not be invited to the wedding and if that happens, handle it with grace and maturity. In future play along with her princess-ness, and maybe have a think about your own need to make everything about you you you.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 17:57

You were out of line here. There was no ambiguity. This event was very clearly not about you and uour new boyfriend and his kids. It was not a personal slight. The invite was clearly for a family event and for you only. What possessed you to ignore her and take them anyway?

DuchyDuke · 03/06/2018 17:57

You were told on numerous occasions this was family only. You need to learn how to LISTEN. Send champagne / chocolates and a grovelling apology now.

EduCated · 03/06/2018 17:57

YABU to have turned up en masse despite repeated requests not to.

They sound utterly ridiculous though. Is your family normally so prone to amateur dramatics?

dontticklethetoad · 03/06/2018 17:57

Holy fuckamoly! Drama!

YWVVVU. But then sil to be was a bit dramatic. Bridezilla in the making.

Gizlotsmum · 03/06/2018 17:59

Did you tell them that you wouldn’t be going to the meal? Then turn up unannounced and expect to be welcomed with clearly uninvited guests? It doesn’t matter if it was an unexpected announcement on their behalf you ignored their no and decided you knew better. I am imagine there is a bit of history which made this the last straw. She is wrong to make your brother choose but I can understand her reaction in the moment you completely disrespected her wishes and I wouldn’t want you at my wedding deciding who you should bring against my wishes

BlueJava · 03/06/2018 17:59

So you were rude to take them when you knew they weren't invited. However, if she is this put out at someone turning up she's a drama queen. I think most people in her position would act graciously and go into "more the merrier" mode. Otherwise she is as rude as you are.

It'll blow over with your brother unless she really chews his ear off :) it all sounds a bit hard work for me and I'd avoid bro and gf for a while.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/06/2018 17:59

They were rude about the invite in the first place

See I really don't think the invite was unreasonable, they wanted the OP there, they were even willing to have the partner there, they just did not want the children. That is not unreasonable, sometimes events are not suitable for children.

I think you however were so incredibly self centred that I would not expect an invite to the wedding after all you would be expecting the girls to be invited too no doubt.

Pancakeflipper · 03/06/2018 18:00

I am another stumped at your determination to take your partner and his children when they had said no several times.

Whatever their reason for not accommodating all 4_of you - well it's their reason and their invite. You could have gone I'd you could have declined. Not take all 4 of you when they'd said no more than once.
I'd be pissed off at your inability to comprehend this. I'd try to not be such a drama llama though.

4GreenApples · 03/06/2018 18:00

YABU to bring your DP and his daughters when they weren’t invited, but it sounds like a total overreaction on the part of your brothers fiancée.

I guess the only thing you can do now is send a card profusely apologising for gatecrashing the special party and then hope it blows over once your brother and his fiancée have calmed down.

MissVanjie · 03/06/2018 18:00

So you asked the gf twice, were told no by her twice, then asked your brother and were told no by him, went moaning to your mum, who went to your brother, who again told you no, then you turned up en masse anyway - i’d have lost my shit with you as well tbh

Boundaries, get some

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/06/2018 18:00

You have behaved dreadfully. Given the strength of your brother and his fiancé’s reaction I have to wonder if it isn’t the first time

This ^^

Hopefully it will all have blown over before the wedding, but maybe you could learn from this and resist doing something similar around the ceremony/reception/whatever?

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/06/2018 18:00

Oh and for the record your new partner’s kids are teenagers. Yes if your relationship becomes a permanent fixture (eg marriage) then your family will get to know them. But they really don’t need to be dragged along to your family events. I can only imagine how mortified they must have felt, being hustled out after gatecrashing a bunch of strangers.

angryburd · 03/06/2018 18:01

Why couldn't you just take no for an answer?

SisterMoonshine · 03/06/2018 18:01

Well you know ywbu
If you have your own agenda - introducing SDCs then have your own party.
It's going to take time, and quite a lot of it, from the sounds of hers and her family's reaction, for them to move on. They do sound a bit precious.

hammeringinmyhead · 03/06/2018 18:01

God, yes. If you are invited (JUST YOU), then go on your own and keep your trap shut about partner and kids, for goodness sake.

MaggieFS · 03/06/2018 18:01

In 18 months they haven met DP's kids? Why didn't you sort out a meet up before now? I don't think DB and GF should have excluded them, but if you haven't brought them into the wider family, then why should they have invited the kids along?

All very bizarre that they're not included, that you wanted to take them, that DB and GF were so persistently against and that you did anyway.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/06/2018 18:01

I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own.
The invite was for you alone. Only you. Even when you pushed for DP and his kids to attend you were told only you were invited. You still chose to all go, even a bit later. You obviously make up your own rules and are now having to deal with the consequences.

Flyme21 · 03/06/2018 18:01

"a special moment ruined by strangers" - send the apology.
"I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own." Next time remember this. You're not entitled to an explanation all the time, sometimes you just go along with what you're asked to do.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 03/06/2018 18:02

You need to issue a sincere apology, she's been ott but probably reacting in frustration. There isn't much more you can do than say sorry.

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