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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
rxvitsc · 03/06/2018 18:09

I agree with everyone else - you were all being unreasonable. And weird

Mammalamb · 03/06/2018 18:09

Yabu. But, to be honest so we’re they. You’ve been going out with the guy 18 months, not 18 days. But the reaction is well out of proportion!

gamerwidow · 03/06/2018 18:09

Why you put those poor kids on that position? You were told in no uncertain terms that they weren’t welcome at this eveng but you chose to force the issue and make them feel horribly embarrassed and unwanted. This was all about you not about them.

AnneElliott · 03/06/2018 18:09

They do sound rather dramatic op. Did you miss the meal and drop in afterwards?

AnneElliott · 03/06/2018 18:09

They do sound rather dramatic op. Did you miss the meal and drop in afterwards?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/06/2018 18:09

12:30 and they didn't go to the house till well after the meal finished at 4:30?

I don't think it matters as they weren't invited to the event not just the meal. If the meal was set for 12.30 in my family we would arrive for 12ish, eat the have desert and go into the garden for drinks etc the evening is not over just because the meal has finished.

PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 18:09

I think you just have to give a very sincere apology with absolutely no passing of the blame to anyone but yourself.

NorthEndGal · 03/06/2018 18:10

Of ou wanted the whole lot to meet your partners children, you should have invited them to your house.

You were clearly told no, multiple times by multiple people, and yet it never sunk in. You were so focused on what you wanted (including your partner and his kids into your wider family's lives) that you just ignored what you didn't want to hear.

You need to make apologies to your brother, his fiance, your partner and his girls.
Maybe take some time to learn to listen, truly, to what people are saying.

teaandtoast · 03/06/2018 18:10

Well, I think your brother/brother's gf/mother could have made it a bit clearer that they wanted you there this time but didn't mean to slight your partner & partner's teens.

Personally, I would have stayed away, but I suppose that's the risk you take with surprise announcements.
Would the gf have been equally upset if Great Aunt Dotty had rocked up out of the blue or a friend or a neighbour?

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 03/06/2018 18:10

This is very weird all round, very dramatic of the fiancée to run off crying because they were there. Even weirder of you to arrive during the announcement instead of on time.

Weirder yet still for you to come with your DP and his children having been categorically, repeatedly, told they were unwelcome.

There is obviously a reason that your own family never mind her family deeply dislike your partner for reasons you are deliberately omitting.

YABU

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/06/2018 18:10

I think it was unwise to turn up bringing your partner and his kids along when they had specifically not been invited, but it sounds quite mean to specifically leave them out too. I don’t think you have ruined the ‘engagement’ though- the engagement is about far more than just announcing it to family, just as a marriage is about far more than the wedding. It will go one of several ways I expect:

  1. Your brother may smooth things over and apologies may be offered and accepted from both sides- you for essentially bringing gate-crashers, your brother’s fiancée for having a tantrum
  2. Your brother may realise that a massive tantrum and a demand to exclude his sister from his wedding is a big red flag and call it all off.
  3. You won’t be invited to the wedding and it will all be such a horrific bridezilla-esque performance that you may be glad you aren’t there....
Personally I would write a nice card apologising for gate crashing, offer sincere congratulations and explain that you weren’t intending to be rude but your partner and his girls mean the world to you -as far as you are concerned they are your family too just as your future SIL is and you hope that you can all try and get along.
MapMyMum · 03/06/2018 18:11

I'm really surprised your DP went along, or did you tell dp he and kids were invited?
Yes fiance overreacted but how many times do you need to be told someone isnt invited before not bringing them with you - no matter how long after the original invite time

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 18:11

The SIL was a bit dramatic but think if it from her point of view. She's marrying into a family where her SIL (you) has no regard for boundaries. She probably ran away crying at the thought of a lifetime of having the op muscling in.

I feel very sorry for the teenagers. It was your mistake not theirs. I hope the rest of your family had the decency not to make them feel too awful.

KalindaBlack · 03/06/2018 18:11

Hang on, you turned up after the meal didn't you OP, so you've not done anything wrong as such. They said they couldn't accommodate you all as they hadn't entertained before, so you went after, plus they hadn't met your new partner and her girls before, though some of your family have. You turn up much later in the day when everyone is relaxed, I actually think you did the right thing. It was just unfortunate timing.
The girlfriend sounds like she doesn't like you much, and would over react at any given excuse over you. Try not to giver her any in the future.

GeekyWombat · 03/06/2018 18:11

PS If they don’t invite your DP’s daughters to their wedding DO NOT SAY A WORD.

AfterSchoolWorry · 03/06/2018 18:11

Well, you should have listened. You were determined to push your own agenda from the start. Maybe think over why you are so pushy.

lasttimeround · 03/06/2018 18:12

So you just insisted on bringing people to an event you were told they werent invited to? Whaaat!!! Incredibly rude snd self centred. You'll have to apologise and learn not to behave that badly again.

Ruffian · 03/06/2018 18:12

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RomeoBunny · 03/06/2018 18:12

You're rude as fuck OP. How selfish are you normally? They said don't bring them round ffs.

DitheringBlidiot · 03/06/2018 18:13

Why were you so desperate to bring your partner? I think you’re all being unreasonable tbh.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 18:13

JennyHolzersGhost
Sounds like she’s a bit of a princess but then you sound incredibly self involved so it evens out really.

They have spent weeks planing this out.
They spent several weeks telling the OP that they didn't want the children there.
They even tried to compromise about the OP's partner being there.
This was organised to be a day about the girlfriend and brother. Yet the OP has made it all about her and her wants.

The Girlfriend has a right to be pissed off as this shows her exactly what the OP thinks about her.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/06/2018 18:14

I don't even understand what was so upsetting - they announced their engagement and then some people appeared that they didn't know - so what?

Well obviously the SIL feels like her opinions count for sweet fuck all. If you told someone no and they basically said nah i'll do what the fuck I like you wouldn't be pissed off?

Mrsmadevans · 03/06/2018 18:14

OP you should all have been invited , this girl sounds a right pita. Ywnbu!

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2018 18:14

Well, we've often wondered about the 'other side' on these threads.

And this is it.

It is clear that some people are very thick skinned, persistent and refuse to take No for an answer because that's not what they want to hear.

Here is the result.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 03/06/2018 18:14

You were a complete and utter CF. The fact that you had to be told 'no' repeatedly is embarrassing enough. Your DB and SIL are right, you really are pushy. But then, when you didn't get your own way, in what was very obviously intended to be a big "fuck you" to your brother and SIL, you boycotted the meal and turned up late with partner and kids in tow anyway. Hardly surprising it backfired. Apart from anything else your partner must have been mortified and his DD's must have been baffled by the whole thing!

Your SIL does sound like she overreacted and her DM reading out the texts was a bit OTT but I can see why she's upset with you.
Her reaction makes me wonder whether you have form for this kind of thing to be honest.